US-Japan First LDR

[Xandra92]

Hi, this is my first forum post so please hang in there. I could really use some advice...

My boyfriend of almost 4 years left 2 days ago to teach English in Japan for a year and I am having a really, really hard time. We have always been a couple that has our own independence, so it's not an issue of having nothing to do...more that our lives just feel so, so separate right now. We've lived together for 2 years, and having the apartment to myself is painful. A lot of his stuff is still there, which is great. It helps a lot with reassuring me that this is temporary. But while he's over there, communication is already so hard. The apartment he's in for the next 2 weeks doesn't have wifi, and neither of us can afford an international phone plan. We've already decided that at least once every couple days he will go to a cafe so we can skype, and then when he moves again it will be easier. But we're going from 2 people who lived together and always had a constant stream of communication going, even if the texts were spread out over hours because we were busy, to 2 people who aren't even awake and sleeping at the same time. I'm having a lot of difficulty with this. Does anyone have any insight into when it will get easier? It feels like I'm always just one step away from crying right now. But this is something we both want. We are both committed. We both have an end date. But I'm barely sleeping, and when I do wake up in the middle of the night, I roll over and grab my phone in the hopes that he's online. The loneliness is overpowering. I'll see him in 6 months when I go out to visit, so that's my goal right now. Just to get through 6 months. But when will it stop hurting so much?

[differentcountries]

Hi,

my advice is to not think that you will get through 6 months. That is way too long to wrap your mind around, you have to break it up. Think that you will make it through the next two days or so until he can find a cafe to Skype with you. If that goes well, you can make it to the next few days and so on, until he gets a better wifi situation.

Maybe get a long pillow, a heating blanket or something that feels tactile in bed for you (I have something in my bed called a hotel pillow). If you have trouble falling asleep, perhaps watch a movie or listen to music to calm down.

[Sparkling72]

Hi and welcome!

I think it's not that it gets easier, as much as the fact that you just get used to the pain... it's always there. SO is deployed, and his time difference is 10 hrs ahead of me and sometimes he gets communication cut off completely for weeks at a time. We came up with a schedule on which 2 days a week he would call me and at what time he'd call. At least that gives me something to look forward to, a schedule of communication works for us and helps get through the in between.

[Xandra92]

Thank you for your reply. I appreciate it. :-) From what I understand, it really is just an adjustment period and not a quick-fix problem.

[Sparkling72]

Something else... I read you check your phone when you wake up in the night... I used to do the same thing.... but I stopped b/c I was making myself crazy! And you're going to make yourself crazy too LOL. when you feel the urge to cry, don't fight it either... just let it out and you will feel much better and you will start to cry far less frequently. At least that helps me. I'm down to 1-2 outbursts a week. Once he has wifi... you will find it much easier to set a schedule for skyping Hang in there... you can do this!

[Xandra92]

I really, really need to work on that...last night I caught him online at 1am my time, 4pm his time and proceeded to stay up chatting for an hour. At that point, I was wide awake and got up to do the cleaning I neglected while we were packing his stuff and getting him ready to go. Needless to say, I was useless at work today. There were no tears, thankfully. First day without any... What's your secret to leaving the phone alone? Family situations require me to have it on at all times (ready to respond when something goes wrong). We also live in the day and age where our phones are practically attached. How does one get to the point where they're okay not checking their phone, even if that could be the only opportunity to talk that day?

Sorry for all the questions...I'm at a loss with how to do all of this.

[Honour]

What I used to do was put my phone on silent then proceed to "hide" it somewhere. I mean, I knew where it was, but if I made an effort to "hide" it, I'd be less likely to go looking for it and less likely to keep looking at it in the hope of a message from my SO. My SO and I rarely text each other, we used to leave messages all the time for each other in the morning, evening etc. but now we only really do our "communicating" through Skype calls unless we're unable to for whatever reason.

[Xandra92]

I tried that, and it worked a little bit. Although, when I woke up at 3:30am and realized there was no way I was getting back to sleep, I finally went and got it and checked. Of course, finding him online. But 6 hours of leaving it in another room was a good start. I'll try for more tonight.

Thank you for the suggestions. And thank you for the assistance.

[jarrybotter]

Man I feel for you It must be extremely tough to start an LDR after living together for that long and having all those memories in your house. I dont think it ever stops hurting, like the others said, you just have to find a way to get used to it.

On the other hand, 6 months isnt a long time if you're both busy. My partner and I are currently both so flooded with work / uni that the weeks are literally flying by and its actually quite easy at the moment because the days are passing in a blur. It seems like only a week ago that it was 6 months until I see him again, now its only 3 months and Im so excited!! I reccommend you both completely throw yourselves into your work, get more hobbies, learn a language, anything to keep your focus off the fact that he's not there. Then in those moments when youre together on the phone / text, start planning your trip! Japan is an incredible country and there is so much to see and do - so rifle through guidebooks, look through TripAdvisor and plan it! That feeling of lonliness can turn into feelings of excitement, imagining you both going to an onsen together or walking an ancient road. Get planning!

[Taki]

Ok first of all, BIG VIRTUAL HUG!

What works for me, is just accepting the total shittiness of the shitty situation at hand. As great as "think positive" advice is , it can be overwhelming too that they kind of coerce you to look on the bright side (if any). That helps, but only to a certain degree. And then you start feeling frustrated as to WHY you don't feel better etc. Don't. Just make peace with the fact that your situation is indeed, shitty and that you are indeed, back to square one. Accept it and move forward accordingly. Be sad, mope around, give your ownself time, space and acceptance to feel all these negative emotions too as they are a natural part of life. You don't HAVE to feel happy. It's ok to feel down in the dumps and still go about your life.

So for example, My bf and I won't be seeing each other for 8-9 months. Plus, being on opposite ends of the day (11.5 hour time difference..sigh) makes communication really REALLY hard. Yeah it sucks. There is no positive side to that particular angle. But I genuinely care about this guy and as a whole the relationship is good, so it's ok that one particular angle really REALLY sucks.

[Xandra92]

Thank you for this. It does suck and it's nice to hear that someone else isn't flying through their time apart and feeling positive about it. Because the only positive side I've been able to find is that I have someone I care about. Other than that? You're right. It sucks.

I've started letting myself just feel awful about it. I was feeling too much like a failure for not "adjusting". Then, I realized I really don't care if I adjust. If I have to fake it, it's not really adjusting. If I spend a year feeling unhappy, as long as I'm still able to function and maintain the other aspects of my life, then so be it.

I wish you guys luck! I understand the communication difficulty... :-(