In a long distance relation - need advice!

[keera.01]

Hi everyone,

This is my first post, I hope I can get some valuable advice!

So I have been in a long distance relationship for just over 1.5 years now. I am a student and my husband works in another country. I live in Canada and he lives somewhere in Asia. So my problem is that my husband doesn't call me often. Last year he kept doing it, he would call me once in a few days and I would get frustrated and get angry with him about it. I was the one who kept initiating most of the calls, and when I chose not to initiate then days would go by where we wouldn't speak because he just wouldn't bother to call me. I am a student so I have a lot of other stress to deal with too.

Anyways, we kept getting into arguments over the phone and couldn't have a single decent conversation. He kept telling me that when I fought with him it repelled him from me. so in order to avoid fights he avoided calling me. Things weren't getting any better so I decided that it was crucial we meet. So I went to visit him in December. I spent $2300 on my ticket and I am only a student. He works, gets paid a lot but didn't offer to pay or anything. My visit went really well. We had a great time, didn't argue or anything. I was only there for 3 weeks because university started and I had to come back. Things have been better ever since I came back. I try my best not to fight with him. In fact we didn't get in a fight until very recently (so like over 3 months). He seems okay too. I changed my behaviour. But the thing is, he continuously does this; i tell him that I don't like it that he doesn't call me. He knows that I absolutely despise it when he doesn't call me but he keeps doing it.

I know people might say well why don't you call him? I did. I did it all the time. As I said, I used to be the one to call him all the time last year. Ever since I came back from my visit I put my ego aside and I was the one who would ask him to skype with me once a week. He NEVER asks me to skype. He didn't do it all of last year. This year I did it initially but i got tired of being the one to do it so I stopped. Actually, I stopped because of the fight we had recently. When I said why he doesn't ask me to skype he said he doesn't enjoy it. That hurt so i stopped asking. now it's probably been maybe over a month or so since we haven't skyped.

I am going to see him again this summer. remember that I am a student and he works (is a doctor). anyways during our recent fight I made it clear to him again that I don't like it that he doesn't call me and it really bothers me. he said he would call more often but here we are again; we haven't spoken in almost a week. see the thing is, after we spoke last week he didn't call me for a few days - every time he disappears and then appears out of nowhere I don't feel like speaking to him. so when he called on monday i didn't pick up. the next morning i messaged him to call me and he didn't respond or anything and then calls me 24 hours later.

It really really really (can't stress enough) bothers me when he doesn't call me. it makes no difference even though i tell him that it bothers me. how can we maintain a relationship like this?

my friends think that i do too much for him. i am too soft with him. with them, their husbands take care or most of their expenses even though they work themselves too. but i am a student, he is a doctor. i am the one who goes to see him, i also don't want to be the one to be calling all the time. it seems like a one sided relationship? i have reduced how much i do for him and how much i let him get away with; it made a difference in my own mental health. i feel better now. when i don't do so much then i don't expect much.

but am i doing too much? should i go to see him this summer? it seems like me going to see him is actually counterproductive. he thinks i SHOULD do these things because i am getting him used to it.

I am not sure, any advice on how to handle it?

I know, long post

[TaraMarie]

Wow. I am also married and living long distance. A different situation than you, as my husband technically lives with me on weekends and works "away" during the week, however....there isn't a snowball's chance in hell that I would allow that to continue. How long have you been married? How long have you been together? Have you EVER been close distance? What is the game plan for living together? Time frame?

[keera.01]

Wow. I am also married and living long distance. A different situation than you, as my husband technically lives with me on weekends and works "away" during the week, however....there isn't a snowball's chance in hell that I would allow that to continue. How long have you been married? How long have you been together? Have you EVER been close distance? What is the game plan for living together? Time frame?

we've been married for 1.5 years. been together for almost 4 years. yeah we lived together for some time but i had to come back for school eventually. he will come to live with me eventually, once i am close to being done university then he will come. that could take another 2 to 3 years

[Chris516]

Hi everyone,

This is my first post, I hope I can get some valuable advice!

So I have been in a long distance relationship for just over 1.5 years now. I am a student and my husband works in another country. I live in Canada and he lives somewhere in Asia. So my problem is that my husband doesn't call me often. Last year he kept doing it, he would call me once in a few days and I would get frustrated and get angry with him about it. I was the one who kept initiating most of the calls, and when I chose not to initiate then days would go by where we wouldn't speak because he just wouldn't bother to call me. I am a student so I have a lot of other stress to deal with too.

Somewhere in Asia.......You don't know?(Tokyo, Shanghai/Beijing, Bangkok, Seoul, Kuala Lampur, Ho Chi Minh City, Taiwan)

Anyways, we kept getting into arguments over the phone and couldn't have a single decent conversation. He kept telling me that when I fought with him it repelled him from me. so in order to avoid fights he avoided calling me. Things weren't getting any better so I decided that it was crucial we meet. So I went to visit him in December. I spent $2300 on my ticket and I am only a student. He works, gets paid a lot but didn't offer to pay or anything. My visit went really well. We had a great time, didn't argue or anything. I was only there for 3 weeks because university started and I had to come back. Things have been better ever since I came back. I try my best not to fight with him. In fact we didn't get in a fight until very recently (so like over 3 months). He seems okay too. I changed my behaviour. But the thing is, he continuously does this; i tell him that I don't like it that he doesn't call me. He knows that I absolutely despise it when he doesn't call me but he keeps doing it.

There is your answer as to why he is not calling. He is avoiding calling, to avoid constant arguing. Also, What are the arguments' about, other than how often you two talk on the phone?

I know people might say well why don't you call him? I did. I did it all the time. As I said, I used to be the one to call him all the time last year. Ever since I came back from my visit I put my ego aside and I was the one who would ask him to skype with me once a week. He NEVER asks me to skype. He didn't do it all of last year. This year I did it initially but i got tired of being the one to do it so I stopped. Actually, I stopped because of the fight we had recently. When I said why he doesn't ask me to skype he said he doesn't enjoy it. That hurt so i stopped asking. now it's probably been maybe over a month or so since we haven't skyped.

Hmmm......You both need to work on communicating, outright. Not just him, you too.

I am going to see him again this summer. remember that I am a student and he works (is a doctor). anyways during our recent fight I made it clear to him again that I don't like it that he doesn't call me and it really bothers me. he said he would call more often but here we are again; we haven't spoken in almost a week. see the thing is, after we spoke last week he didn't call me for a few days - every time he disappears and then appears out of nowhere I don't feel like speaking to him. so when he called on Monday I didn't pick up. The next morning I messaged him to call me and he didn't respond or anything and then calls me 24 hours later.

You really are pushing it.

It really really really (can't stress enough) bothers me when he doesn't call me. it makes no difference even though I tell him that it bothers me. how can we maintain a relationship like this?

Is he an EdD(education), JD(law), MD(medicine), PhD(philosophy), or PsYD(psychiatry)?

my friends think that i do too much for him. i am too soft with him. with them, their husbands take care or most of their expenses even though they work themselves too. but i am a student, he is a doctor. i am the one who goes to see him, i also don't want to be the one to be calling all the time. it seems like a one sided relationship? i have reduced how much i do for him and how much i let him get away with; it made a difference in my own mental health. i feel better now. when i don't do so much then i don't expect much.

Your friends are........WRONG!!!! It is a one-sided marriage because you are trying to force him to communicate. His lack of communication doesn't make things any better.
but am i doing too much? should i go to see him this summer? it seems like me going to see him is actually counterproductive. he thinks i SHOULD do these things because i am getting him used to it.

I am not sure, any advice on how to handle it?

I know, long post [/QUOTE]

It only matters that you both need to work on your communication. You should still go see him.

Why is he working in Asia, instead of Canada?

[Rezie]

I'm sure the word somewhere was to protect anonymity and give an indication of distance.

Anyways, if my calculations are correct you got married around the same time as you became long distance. Why did you get married? Why can't he try to relocate there already? Usually doctors are wanted work force everywhere and you already are married? Is there a visa problem or does he want to gain work experience in Asia first?

When it comes to finance, it is very personal with every couple how trips are paid. If it bothers you that you have to pay for expensive visits, talk to him about it. It's not automatic that husband has to provide or that the one making more has to provide. It's up to the couple.

I guess he doesn't want to call because you fight. But his way of not handling is not Ok either. Did you make an agreement when you went long distance? If you got married then you are set to be together instead of 'how it works out?' Like a lot of couples. If you dont message or call at all then does he message or call at all? Would saying calmly that it bothers you that he doesn't call you and it is causing a strain on the relationship and telling him that you won't call unless he initiates it?

[keera.01]

I'm sure the word somewhere was to protect anonymity and give an indication of distance.

Anyways, if my calculations are correct you got married around the same time as you became long distance. Why did you get married? Why can't he try to relocate there already? Usually doctors are wanted work force everywhere and you already are married? Is there a visa problem or does he want to gain work experience in Asia first?

When it comes to finance, it is very personal with every couple how trips are paid. If it bothers you that you have to pay for expensive visits, talk to him about it. It's not automatic that husband has to provide or that the one making more has to provide. It's up to the couple.

I guess he doesn't want to call because you fight. But his way of not handling is not Ok either. Did you make an agreement when you went long distance? If you got married then you are set to be together instead of 'how it works out?' Like a lot of couples. If you dont message or call at all then does he message or call at all? Would saying calmly that it bothers you that he doesn't call you and it is causing a strain on the relationship and telling him that you won't call unless he initiates it?

Yeah 6 months after we got married. he will relocate once i am closer being done. it's not easy getting a medical license in canada. i am already studying and if he comes then we will both be struggling financially.

you're right. I have never really brought it up that i would like for him to help me financially. i will do it when i am see him this summer. frankly speaking it's hard to have proper discussions over the phone. and as i mentioned he doesn't like going on skype.

that fighting part was last year BEFORE i went to see him this december. I realized my mistake and i changed my behaviour. i only expect that he changes himself in terms of calling. i've said it calmly that it bothers me a lot. he has responded saying that he understands and he would call more often. he would then call frequently for a week and then we are back at square 1 where we sometimes don't speak for up to a week. i have told him that it is causing a strain on the relationship. it doesn't make a difference.

[keera.01]

Somewhere in Asia.......You don't know?(Tokyo, Shanghai/Beijing, Bangkok, Seoul, Kuala Lampur, Ho Chi Minh City, Taiwan)

does it matter? we are on 2 different continents thousands of miles apart.

There is your answer as to why he is not calling. He is avoiding calling, to avoid constant arguing. Also, What are the arguments' about, other than how often you two talk on the phone?

As i said, i used to fight with him LAST year BEFORE i went to visit him in december. things have changed. i hardly fight with him now.

Hmmm......You both need to work on communicating, outright. Not just him, you too.

I am aware of that. we can't communicate if there are no calls ........ thats the problem

You really are pushing it.

How am I pushing it? by being bothered by the fact that he doesn't call me frequently? or just not wanting to speak AFTER he calls days later? it seems like you're suggesting that it's okay for him to not want to talk thus not call but it's not okay for me to want to talk more frequently? if you're referring to the fact that i didn't pick up it's because i was mad. if i had spoken to him at that moment then i might have argued with him. so i avoided the fight and tried to speak after i was calm.

Is he an EdD(education), JD(law), MD(medicine), PhD(philosophy), or PsYD(psychiatry)?

MD. PsYD is psychology by the way. psychiatry falls under MD :P

Your friends are........WRONG!!!! It is a one-sided marriage because you are trying to force him to communicate. His lack of communication doesn't make things any better.

I don't try to force him anymore. i try to let him handle it on his own terms. to some extent it changed his attitude but the calling part just doesn't seem to go away ... also, my friends are wrong to some extent because i know my relationship better. but they're also right to some extent. i do too much for him.

but am i doing too much? should i go to see him this summer? it seems like me going to see him is actually counterproductive. he thinks i SHOULD do these things because i am getting him used to it.

I am not sure, any advice on how to handle it?

I know, long post [/QUOTE]

It only matters that you both need to work on your communication. You should still go see him.

Why is he working in Asia, instead of Canada?[/QUOTE]

i answered this question in the post below.

[Rezie]

I'm sorry to sound doubtfull and you propably have looked into this. But are you certain that getting the medical license is difficult? I'm in the medical field and work with a lot of foreigners. I can't speak for Canada but in a lot of places there is a shortage of doctors and if you have a foreign medical degree you take an exam/assesment so you can work. Since if it is a long and unsure process there and if you start when you are about to graduate it might take additional time. Also doctors usually get some work fairly easily and even crappy doctor pay is more than average pay. I just want to make sure you have searched for the facts.

[keera.01]

I'm sorry to sound doubtfull and you propably have looked into this. But are you certain that getting the medical license is difficult? I'm in the medical field and work with a lot of foreigners. I can't speak for Canada but in a lot of places there is a shortage of doctors and if you have a foreign medical degree you take an exam/assesment so you can work. Since if it is a long and unsure process there and if you start when you are about to graduate it might take additional time. Also doctors usually get some work fairly easily and even crappy doctor pay is more than average pay. I just want to make sure you have searched for the facts.

I can assure you that getting a residency position for IMGs in Canada is pretty difficult.

[Sparkling72]

so, he is your husband, but does not support you financially? Did the 2 of you get married in Canada?

If he is a doctor working in Asia... I'm going to go out on a limb here and guess if he is a medical doctor, that he is crazy busy, probably equally as exhausted and chances are at the end of the day, he might not be getting a whole lot of sleep either. Not taking his side, just looking at the other side of the coin.

My advice... Set a call schedule. If daily is too much calling, then what about 2-3 x a week - whatever works for both of you. Let's pretend you both agree on Wednesdays around 7pm and Sundays 9am. You call him say on Wednesdays, he calls you on Sundays, you both are making an effort and not putting pressure on the situation. Another thing too... he says he doesn't like to skype (which to me is crazy) but if that is something important to you, then his calls can be by phone only, but yours you want to do via skype. Maybe he needs some naughty motivation to skype? LOL (if that's not your thing, I apologize, but you're married so I went there lol) Anyway, then next time you talk to him, instead of relaying your unhappiness.. tell him you came up with a compromise and see if that goes over.

Just my 2 cents worth

[keera.01]

so, he is your husband, but does not support you financially? Did the 2 of you get married in Canada?

If he is a doctor working in Asia... I'm going to go out on a limb here and guess if he is a medical doctor, that he is crazy busy, probably equally as exhausted and chances are at the end of the day, he might not be getting a whole lot of sleep either. Not taking his side, just looking at the other side of the coin.

My advice... Set a call schedule. If daily is too much calling, then what about 2-3 x a week - whatever works for both of you. Let's pretend you both agree on Wednesdays around 7pm and Sundays 9am. You call him say on Wednesdays, he calls you on Sundays, you both are making an effort and not putting pressure on the situation. Another thing too... he says he doesn't like to skype (which to me is crazy) but if that is something important to you, then his calls can be by phone only, but yours you want to do via skype. Maybe he needs some naughty motivation to skype? LOL (if that's not your thing, I apologize, but you're married so I went there lol) Anyway, then next time you talk to him, instead of relaying your unhappiness.. tell him you came up with a compromise and see if that goes over.

Just my 2 cents worth

he doesn't support me financially. to be honest i don't need him to send me money regularly or anything. the only thing is i would like it if he can take care of my travel expenses. as i said, i am a student and $5000 a year burns a big hole in my wallet. since he works i think he could do that for me. for the rest of the year he gets to spend his money on his family anyways.

yeah he works in Asia. Actually his work hours are not that bad. I wouldn't put pressure on him if he were exhausted. i am a pretty understanding person. if he is going to be busy or going on field work for a few days i would like for him to tell me before he goes then i wouldn't be bothered until he is able to call me. but because of the lack of calls (and communication) he doesn't even tell me when/if he is going on field work or anything else for that matter.

I tried setting a call schedule. this one time i told him that if he everyday is too much then we can talk every other day. we can take turns calling. i would call once and then him and then me.. and so on. but it didnt work out. i called when it was my turn but he eventually stopped sticking to the schedule. and the fact that he doesn't want to skype is crazy to me too. i personally think that it's important to talk everyday, even if it is for 5 minutes or less. skype once a week is also important. but obviously he doesn't share the same sentiments as me.

naughty motivation sounds like a good idea LOL. i should bring this up :P but the thing is .. i have said it so many times that he should call me more frequently now i feel like those words don't hold value anymore. i feel like a fool even saying it now