Were planning to get married but he cheated on me....advice?

[lent]

Hi everyone,

I�ve lived with my bf for a year, then 1 year apart but in the same continent ( so we could visit each other every 2 weeks) and now a bit less than a year where he�s in the US and I�m in the UK. I love him dearly and he always he does so, he�s been the man of my dreams and he says I�m his woman too. A few months ago we were planning to tell our parents over these holidays that we were planning to get married soon, which is when I�m done with my PhD (in about 1.5year).

Last month I moved to another town for an internship and I�ve been tired and stressed so couldn�t stay up late for our usual intimate talks etc. In the meantime I could sense his disappointment in my not being available to stay up and I also felt I was being distant and sad by that. Also, he had made plans of going on holiday with friends and parties etc so he was keeping busy too. So I told him that I felt we were not talking much and he was keeping things from me which made me feel I couldn�t trust him. Next day, he admitted he was unfaithful to me 2 weeks agoand that it was a mistake because not only he caused me and our relationship such pain but he also ruined a great friendship.

What I could get over was that 1) he kept it for so long from me and only said it after I gave him a hook 2) he had assured me that the girl he f*** was his only best friend and that there was nothing going on 3) he still has the nerve to tell me he loves me and that he hasn�t changed at all in all this and that he still has dreams about us!

I am so devastated.... I know he suffers a lot more than I do when lacking affection and sex and that he�s very impulsive, but we were doing so well until this happened. He had told me in the past that he was afraid of this LDR, but I thought he meant that he was afraid I�d cheat on him when I�m fact it was him he was afraid about.

I know it sounds like I�m making excuses and I probably sound pathetic for it but I�m about to meet him in 5 days and I don�t know I�ll handle myself. I keep on telling him hurtful things and can�t keep a daily conversation without reminding him how broken I feel. After a week of the news, I still don�t sleep well, feel like there�s a weight on my chest, I have palpitations and when I�m not thinking about other things the thought of him having sex with that woman keeps coming to my mind.

I want to see past this, give him a second chance. In fact I told him that I can�t go on with this relationship if he doesn�t come back to same continent at least.

Have you had a similar experience? What did you do? Have you ever forgiven/ understood a cheater and worked around this?

[erwin1973]

Cheating is never a mistake (unless you're drugged). It's a choice. And cheating would for me be the only thing I would brake up for. No matter how much I love my lady, if I find out she's been cheating on me, it's over. That is my point of view about it.

Considering how you feel, and you're taking 'revenge' on him by telling him mean things, I think you already made up your mind, right? I would brake up, but again, that is my opinion. I don't think I could forgive that easily, but it would definately be the end of my relationship.

[Harlequin]

That would be the end of the relationship for me as well. There's no coming back from that, and I've seen marriages where one partner cheated and they're still somehow trying to make it work. It's not pretty. Like others have said, cheating isn't a mistake. No one put a gun to his head and told him to bang another woman, and he knew exactly what he was doing.
Whatever you decide to do, just remember it is much easier and cheaper to walk away from a boyfriend than it is to walk away from a marriage. Unless you know 100% that you can accept what happened and trust him completely again, then just walk away. It's not worth it. I'm really sorry this is happening to you. No one deserves to be cheated on.

[TJ-LJ]

He made the choice to cheat, no excuse. And you shouldn't make excuses for him either. If he loved you, he wouldn't have disrespected you and the relationship. Do not marry this man, and cancel meeting him. He'll only grovel and come out with more excuses and try to gain your trust, when that trust should already be irreparably broken. No reason to explain himself, the explanation is all in his actions. You do not want to marry a man who has already shown that he cannot control himself. I've never been involved with a cheater personally, but I've had people close to me who has firsthand experience. Some even went back to the relationship, despite the cheating, and the cheating eventually happened again. You'll constantly be mistrusting him anyway, assuming he's doing it, even when he may not be at that time, and that in itself will destroy the relationship if his further cheating doesn't beforehand. Ultimately it is your choice, hope you choose what's best for you. Good luck.

[epiphanylove712]

I would absolutely end the relationship if my partner cheated on me. There's no point to the relationship anymore--the trust is broken. There's nowhere to go. Agreed with all other posters that say cancel the meeting and marriage. You need time to heal and to recoup. Cheating is never ever a mistake, it is a choice. Point blank. I wish you the best in the future, as well as healing. You deserve better.

[TaraMarie]

I agree that cheating is a choice. However, I disagree with all the previous comments. Only YOU know your heart and his. YOU know if you can live with betrayal. It's hard to get past. But it's definitely doable. Everyone makes mistakes in life. Some make bigger mistakes than others. It's all about what you choose to accept, what you choose to ignore, and what YOU choose to overcome.