Feeling left out?

[Idkwhat]

Hello everyone.First of all, im with my gf for 7 months and weve been apart since july when she went to work at her birthplace which is a tourist place during summer and is 150 km away from me.
Everything was going fine till the 20th day or so.At the beginning she was sweet and she was telling me things like "i compare everyone to you and noone is like you, i sleep with ur hoodie to feel u close to me" and other cuddly stuff which i like a lot, but the last month she changed.She became a lot less caring, she only texts me things like i miss u i love u but we rarely talk, she always goes out with her friends after work (she works 7 days a week 10-11 hour shifts, 15:00-00:00/01:00) for like 2-3 hours and when she returns home she is tired and collapses to bed.I couldnt take it anymore so i burst out on her, and i told her that she basically has time and energy for everyone and everything but to talk with me and that she changed a lot since she left.She was nothing like that when she was here with me.Ok i admit, i was a bit pressuring about this matter and something else we kinda discussed, if she is gonna leave the next summer aswell. I know this was my fault cause im an overthinker, but i had a lot on my plate and i burst out on her like i said, i apologized to her and she told me that whining is turning her off and i should stop pressuring her because she feels the need to go out and see her friends cause she is too stressed from work and stuff, so she needs to blow some steam.BUT, we only talk like 10-20 mins before she leaves for work and like 5 mins till she reaches home where she tells me usually "i will go out for a walk, or for a beer" so we will talk later.Then she goes home after 1-2 hours and she is dead asleep.This thing is starting to get under my skin and i feel like she isnt trying one bit for our relationship to work.She is gonna come back in October but i cant keep going like this, i feel so alone on this situation, she gives me zero motivation to continue. I visited her twice and now idk if im gonna do it again because she doesnt seem so excited when i tell her that im gonna visit.The problem is i can only see her for some hours and i have to go back again because i got no place to stay.
She also told me that she has a "defense mechanism" to avoid getting hurt or sad when she thinks about me and thats why she is kinda colder right now that we are apart.Idk guys, i think i maybe should just back off and stop giving a damn about the situation and rarely talk to her to see if she misses me and tries to contact me.Although i am not that kind of man.

NOTE: I never text her or call her first and i made that clear to her, because she has a more pressured program and i dont wanna put more pressure to her, so i let her do the calling and stuff whenever she is available. She also told me to start doing things to fill my day so i occupy my mind and to be less sad cuz i miss her..she also tells me things like "i am so pressured from working every day" and that she is a wreck every day.Even though i respect that, i still think that u can always make time for the people u love, idk just my opinion.SHe also told me that when she works she puts work above all else and she prioritizes her focus to the job and she lets the job fulfill her.

I am in a bad state and mood for the past 2-3 weeks because of that situation mainly and idk what to do, a little help would be appreciated here, thanks!

[Redheart14]

Only you can decide what you feel is ok in a relationship. Long distance relationships rely heavily on communication and if it’s only one sided then it’s not going to work. Seems like she’s distracting herself from the distance by keeping herself busy. But to not want to communicate at all with someone you’re in a relationship with isn’t right.

[Idkwhat]

Only you can decide what you feel is ok in a relationship. Long distance relationships rely heavily on communication and if it’s only one sided then it’s not going to work. Seems like she’s distracting herself from the distance by keeping herself busy. But to not want to communicate at all with someone you’re in a relationship with isn’t right.

Seems like thats the case yeah, but i cant do the same unfortunately due to lack of friends cuz theyre all occuppied with work atm so im stuck.i dont think she doesnt want to communicate, if that was her intentions she wouldnt even call me without me asking for it IMO. I am trying to break the code here and figure out what to do, what should my plan of action be, give her the cold shoulder and become much more unavailable or what.
Heck, ive never even bothered with relationships, let alone distant ones. This is the first girl im taking seriously in my dating life and look what it turned out to be

[Redheart14]

Game playing such as cold shoulder isn’t a good idea. You need to try plan out a time in advance to talk this out. I you ate both open and communicate your feelings hopefully you can sort it out.

[Idkwhat]

The thing is, whenever i speak about such matters, she nags and she will tell me that it puts pressure on her.

[Idkwhat]

So, after almost 1 month and some not good conversations between me and her and some mood swings of her, she told me today that she no longer feels like she did in the beginning. I planned on visiting her in 2 days but now she discouraged me truly. She told me that she loves me but that's all, she feels nothing more, no desire for sex, no butterflies, not longing to see me and such.I asked her if there was someone else on her mind or something like that and she told me that this isnt the case at all. She told me to go over there and talk about it, not through phone but i dont feel like going anymore. She isn't that far, 150 km from me, so this isnt the problem, the problem is that i dont know if something is gonna change. She is supposed to return in 1 month.

[Smiler335]

So, after almost 1 month and some not good conversations between me and her and some mood swings of her, she told me today that she no longer feels like she did in the beginning. I planned on visiting her in 2 days but now she discouraged me truly. She told me that she loves me but that's all, she feels nothing more, no desire for sex, no butterflies, not longing to see me and such.I asked her if there was someone else on her mind or something like that and she told me that this isnt the case at all. She told me to go over there and talk about it, not through phone but i dont feel like going anymore. She isn't that far, 150 km from me, so this isnt the problem, the problem is that i dont know if something is gonna change. She is supposed to return in 1 month.

Personally I would go. For me I have to l compartmentalise and not think about my partner all the time because it drives me crazy otherwise, I even made a big mistake at work due to not being focused. The problem with doing this is that eventually you feel like you're losing feelings for that person and sometimes you even go the other way and think about what you don't like about them. Maybe she's doing the same, she can't think about you all the time because it drives her crazy so she's trying to block you out of her mind a bit and that's lead her to feel like she doesn't have desire for you any more.

If you go, don't do what I've done in the past and just focus on issues, get it talked about briefly, get over it and then show her why she fell in love with you in the first place. Once she's back I imagine things will be different.

[Idkwhat]

Personally I would go. For me I have to l compartmentalise and not think about my partner all the time because it drives me crazy otherwise, I even made a big mistake at work due to not being focused. The problem with doing this is that eventually you feel like you're losing feelings for that person and sometimes you even go the other way and think about what you don't like about them. Maybe she's doing the same, she can't think about you all the time because it drives her crazy so she's trying to block you out of her mind a bit and that's lead her to feel like she doesn't have desire for you any more.

If you go, don't do what I've done in the past and just focus on issues, get it talked about briefly, get over it and then show her why she fell in love with you in the first place. Once she's back I imagine things will be different.

That's exactly what she told me 1.5 month ago, that in order for her not to get sad and down she becomes more distant and cold but thats no way to treat a LDR in the first place.Today she asked me what time ill go tomorrow and i asked her if she really wants me to go, and she said "of course i do baby, no matter how i feel i still want you to come". I told her im not sure because those things need to get dealt with in HER head alone and that me going there might not help at all. She told me to go so we can sort this out face to face together and she wants to give it a shot.

Inside, i dont rly know if i wanna hug her or smth when i see her, i feel very cold right now.I also thought about telling her to stop communicating with me for the whole month until she comes back, so she gets her much needed freedom that she constantly says that she is missing because of our relationship (LOL). I dont even phone her or text her first, and she goes out with friends etc, every night and i never say a thing. I really dont understand her.

[Smiler335]

That's exactly what she told me 1.5 month ago, that in order for her not to get sad and down she becomes more distant and cold but thats no way to treat a LDR in the first place.Today she asked me what time ill go tomorrow and i asked her if she really wants me to go, and she said "of course i do baby, no matter how i feel i still want you to come". I told her im not sure because those things need to get dealt with in HER head alone and that me going there might not help at all. She told me to go so we can sort this out face to face together and she wants to give it a shot.

Inside, i dont rly know if i wanna hug her or smth when i see her, i feel very cold right now.I also thought about telling her to stop communicating with me for the whole month until she comes back, so she gets her much needed freedom that she constantly says that she is missing because of our relationship (LOL). I dont even phone her or text her first, and she goes out with friends etc, every night and i never say a thing. I really dont understand her.

I've had this conversation and got accused of playing the victim, in all honesty there was some truth to it when I really thought about it.

I don't think you can tell her how she should handle it, we're all different and what works for one person doesn't work for someone else. Also I wouldn't be surprised if she wants to enjoy herself while she's away and make the most of it but feels guilty for doing that. Sorry to the ladies in advance but women are very complicated creatures and saying she misses her freedom is probably more likely that she feels guilty for going out and enjoying herself without you but she doesn't want to feel guilty hence the lack of communication.

It's hard and you have to cope in whatever way you can, you keep mentioning her going out with friends, that's a very hard one with thoughts of people looking at her, flirting with her etc etc but you can't wind yourself up over it, you can't control it. You could ask her to never go out with friends but I wouldn't want to be on the receiving end of her reply lol.

What are you really worried about with going? Being rejected? Investing more time in something you don't want to pursue? Worries of arguments? Worries of upsetting her? Or something different?
I've been in all those places and all those things are far worse in your head than they are in reality. Worst case scenario you break up after a huge fight but what's the likelihood of that realistically? It's pretty minimal. It does happen but usually only when people react rather than reply. More likely is you get there, you feel a little resentment that she has been lacking in communication, she apologises, you both move on and you have a great time together. You may even have the nagging feeling of her not communicating the whole time you're there but you can't let that ruin your time together.
You're not apart for much longer, don't throw it away because of what's going on in YOUR head and HER head. You can't put it all on her.


Don't get me wrong, I'm in the same boat at the moment so I'm not saying this from the point of view of someone who has gone through it all and lived happily ever after. What I can say for sure is that I've had every feeling under the sun and it's always worse when you're apart than when you're together, LDR will always make you feel lonely at some point and I also know that many many people have gone through the same and come out the other side.

You sound very wound up about it all but honestly there's not much you can do so you may as well go and enjoy your time together. I'm currently in the situation where my GF is hopefully coming here next Saturday, I've thought the same as you, do I really want to see her but all I have to do is look at a picture of her/us to realise what I really want. It makes me smile every time.

It's not easy but the good times are more than worth it.

[Idkwhat]

You are true in many parts, but i dont worry about her cheating on me. I can't control that, nor the part that other guys hit on her even if we live together 24/7 she can still cheat on me if she wants to.I told her that i trust her completely and that she will make the correct choice every time. What worries me and discourages me is the fact that it's the 2nd time she said that thing to me, that she lost all her excitement and enthusiasm towards me and she only loves me but she isnt missing me. Idk how can you love someone but not miss him, i guess that's not love.Its like she is trying to make ME break up with her. For me, a relationship with someone you love and want isn't talking 10 minutes through the phone and going out with friends for 3 hours (like she does). You have to listen to your partner and try to meet his needs. She has never asked me what im feeling, do i feel okay in this relationship? Do i feel lonely or wronged? She only projects the problems of her own and then she says that im pressuring her when i tell her to speak more often and that she cannot express herself much more than she already is.Also, she can't find a balance.

I really want to go over there and forget about all that and be good with each other, but she already made me think otherwise. She gets upset and irritated over the tiniest things that we chat, i am already biased that we will break up so i cant enjoy it rly

[Smiler335]

You are true in many parts, but i dont worry about her cheating on me. I can't control that, nor the part that other guys hit on her even if we live together 24/7 she can still cheat on me if she wants to.I told her that i trust her completely and that she will make the correct choice every time. What worries me and discourages me is the fact that it's the 2nd time she said that thing to me, that she lost all her excitement and enthusiasm towards me and she only loves me but she isnt missing me. Idk how can you love someone but not miss him, i guess that's not love.Its like she is trying to make ME break up with her. For me, a relationship with someone you love and want isn't talking 10 minutes through the phone and going out with friends for 3 hours (like she does). You have to listen to your partner and try to meet his needs. She has never asked me what im feeling, do i feel okay in this relationship? Do i feel lonely or wronged? She only projects the problems of her own and then she says that im pressuring her when i tell her to speak more often and that she cannot express herself much more than she already is.Also, she can't find a balance.

I really want to go over there and forget about all that and be good with each other, but she already made me think otherwise. She gets upset and irritated over the tiniest things that we chat, i am already biased that we will break up so i cant enjoy it rly

I'm not sure if not missing someone means you don't love them. If you've got a lot going on and you're keeping yourself busy, having fun etc then she probably doesn't miss you as much as if she was home alone with your pictures everywhere.

The only thing I can really say is you know anyone who's been married for 10+ years? 90% of them would joke that they would love a few weeks away from their SO.... some may even enjoy the time away. I hear it all the time from people when I say I haven't seen my GF for 6 weeks.... "give it a few a few years and you'll be missing those 6 weeks lol" when they say that it doesn't mean they don't love their Husbands or wives any more, it's just that you can't keep the initial excitement forever.
There's also nothing wrong with her enjoying your time apart, you may even take it as an opportunity to find something for you to get engrossed in so you don't miss her so much.

Finally, she's not going to be attracted to you if you're constantly telling her she's being bad to you and she won't want to be the source of all your happiness, no one person can do that. Neediness is a major turn off.
I'm not saying you're being needy etc, don't take that wrong.

Honestly the choice is yours but the way you're talking I'm not sure if you really want to make this work? It sounds more like you're asking people to agree that she's doing you wrong. She hasn't told you that she wants to break up? If she hasn't then she still wants you, she just doesn't feel that 'honey moon's excitement any more and that's ok too. She may well feel it on her way home after she's done with having work at the front of her thoughts all the time.

I hope it works out for you, I really do, all I'm trying to say is it sounds like you're convincing yourself that you're going to split up and it's all her fault.

[Junglebook]

I think everything already said by smiler but I just want to say; maybe the problem is much bigger in your head then it really is.
I had a problem going on with my bf. I asked him to talk about it but he was stubborn.
I could feel that he was pissed and I just didn’t understand why.
At the moment we talked about the issue it showed that the problem in is head was so much bigger then it actually was and it was such a relief to clear the air.

I hope you guys work it out. Not missing someone doesn’t mean you don’t love them.
I lived on the other side of the world for 4 months and I didnt miss my parents or sisters at all.
There was just so much to do there, so I just didn’t have the time.
Give her the freedom that she needs, it’s probably just her way of dealing with the distance.
And maybe you guys have to make some agreements like; you guys call each other 2 times a week to have a long phone call.
The other days you do text each other but it’s fine if she doesn’t have that much time.
Good luck for the both of you!

[Idkwhat]

So i went there, she was distant, not wanting to initiate sex at all, i sensed it and i talked about all that. She told me she lost all her sexual feelings since august for no reason and we might not be compatible as a couple, but more as friends. There was 1 whole day that she didnt think or care about me, we didnt talk at all. And she said that this was when she realized that she isnt feeling all those things she felt before. She tried to fight it but could not.
Also, she told me some BS excuses. I made some joke about us living together and she said that this rattled her (back in july) because of some abusive relationship her sister had with a guy and she felt pressured or idk. I find those excuses lame, the real reason is that her whole thing was just excitement and nothing else, so we broke up and she felt relieved instantly, started smiling again and even initiated sex with me. I told her it was one last time for the goodbyes, then i thanked her for the good times as she did, she asked me not to forget about her and that she will still send me messages to know if im good because she loves me 2 much as a person.

Anyway, i am relieved myself because now i know what i have to do, move on and stop trying to fix things that are beyond my power. That way i made myself insecure because of things i couldnt control and i thought i was doing wrong.

Bottom line is: If someone doesnt put you high on his/her priority list and doesnt feel the need to talk to you after a long day, its not really a real thing.

[Redheart14]

At least you got closure and can now move on

[Idkwhat]

Yeap, i am just saying those things for others to watch out