Trouble Moving on

[Maple1]

Hello!

My boyfriend has gone to Europe to study, and we have already been long distance for a year. He is in his second year now and back in Europe now. When we talk, he will naturally tell me how his week has been and what him and his friends have done. However, he mentions the names of two of his female friends (A and B) and I start getting upset and almost angry. The last year for us, has been rough due to some of his decisions with these two individuals.

When he started his first year, A immediately upon meeting him told him her whole sex life, naturally I told him, I appreciated him being honest however, for now it is not appropriate as I am adjusting to being long distance now. She knew he was in a ldr, and I wish as a woman she would respected what I would be going through. (Quickly realized I couldn't expect this from anyone). My boyfriend continued to tell me I was jealous, insecure and I immediately broke down over the disrespect. I explained to him how I found him and A's conversation largely inappropriate and that I was only asking for him to adjust instead of being slapped in the face with things like this.

In October, A had a Halloween party and there was a photo posted with herself and my boyfriend. It was a photo of him and her standing with her leg up on him. He said they took photos like this with the rest of the group but they didn't, I got him to tell me the truth when he came back to home for Winter Break. After this incident I did like A as an individual nor a friend to my boyfriend as she herself was going through a rough time and used my boyfriend as a punching bag. I was upset for him neglecting the relationship and disrespecting me so badly. Especially after everything I have done for him.

We talked for hours and mended our issues on the Winter break, but in February they had gone to a ski trip, and I had thought nothing of it. After our talk on the Winter break things were okay.

He had come back for the Summer and we were great and the bump on the road we had seemed history. During the summer another photo surface oh him, A and their other friend B, all together. This time, A and B were in lace bras and he was shirtless and they took a photo together. I felt betrayed, lied to, and as if I am completely nothing.

I went over to his house and immediately approached him about how I felt and how he could have possible let this happen. He said they were all drunk, that they had kept forcing him to do the photo, so to shut them up he did. He acknowledge this was wrong, and I told him how much I was against all this and to explain to me why I should go through another year being apart if this is what will be done when I am not there. He felt terrible, we spoke about it for hours, he understood fully how his actions have impacted me this whole year being apart and truly how I am tired of it. He messaged A and B immediately after I left to say I knew about the photo, that I have lost all respect for all three of them, and that all of this needs to stop otherwise there no friendship will exist after. This was the first sign of effort I got from him. We mended things for the rest of summer and all was good. Before he left I had told him, he needs to work with me to make me feel at ease with A and B and for there to be more respect towards the relationship and me. A nor B have ever approached me woman to woman to apologize nor better anything. Maybe I am wrong in expecting this.

I do believe everything he says, he is truly a good person, but naturally does make mistakes, he himself has said he acted this year like it was first year uni (we are both doing our masters now), and he truly did realize he has been acting terribly.

All has been good since, however, whenever he mentions A and B's names, I get a rush of anger through my body and I am finding it so hard to be civil to not say a comment, and to be a bigger person. How to I go about dealing with this, how to I myself learn to become better and be at peace, for myself?

Thank you <3

[lizzybear33]

Hey,

I'm new to long distance myself. But I am sensing that you feel uneasy in your gut and my experience always my gut was right. Regardless of what someone does or allows other women to do in their presence such as take a photo in a bra. He has to take your feelings into account when conducting himself if he is part of a partnership. And if what hes doing is bothering you he should stop it or change it if he wants to make it work. I think the photos are an issue because it causes our minds to wander and we think more into it. Like what was he doing that night where were they etc. Regardless of how any man ever acts towards you, we as women must stay true to ourselves. I mean that dont get upset and think too much into it or allow people to cause you to react when angry. Because majority of the time we dont mean what we say at the time. Have patience and think before reacting to these things hes doing that piss you off. But ultimately if your not happy more than you are happy then dont stay. We only live once love.

I hope some of that helped. Xx

[Redheart14]

It’s hard, but you need to try let it go if you want things to work. I had similar issues before so pm me if you want to talk. You can’t control how other people react but you can control how you react. Getting mad with distance will only create unnecessary issues and could drive you two apart. He’s telling you about them, so that’s a positive! He could have hidden the fact they are around so that’s good he’s communicating seeing a ldr is all about communication. I guess just give him the opportunity to show he’s committed to you. If he’s making sure they know nothing will happen with them then that’s the most important thing. On the flip side, if this bothers you so much you’ll have to decide if you want to keep this relationship going as he will be with these people until his degree is finished. If you don’t think you can do this, that’s ok but still, a conversation you might need to have.

[ShamrockLDR]

Taking photos in underwear could be harmless but I think there’s an undertone there and I would trust your gut if I was you. If you’re young, I think it’s better to have a relationship too with people you are around.