Drawing the line - Your partner sharing the love letter that you wrote with somebody

[flangepoint]

Hey everybody,

My gf and me have been apart for 3 months now. In the past month, she has been super busy. We've hardly had the time to sit down and talk, hardly whatsapp. This led to anger outbursts from my side. She accepted that she has not been able to give me time and she promised to make up for it. I agreed. She said she wants one more chance, so I gave it to her.

Now after a week, the situation is still the same, she has busy work hours, she doesn't text that often. So I decided to boost things a l'il bit. I wrote her a wonderful love letter. Hand made cotton paper from a Italian museum from 1797, calligraphy with paper made hearts and wonderful content.

I was romantic, appreciative a bit humorous and practical at the same time. She was blown away. She appreciated me a lot. But after one day, she said she couldnt help but share this love letter with one of her co-workers who is a guy. She speaks quite often with this guy. She says he is the only one that get along, he is intelligent, he is cute. BUt she ha no interest in him as he is shorter than her. But they have good understanding. She trusts him a lot.

The fact that she should share the love letter that I wrote to her is not sitting quite well with me. I have this sinking feeling in my stomach when I think about this. In her talks, she mentioned that she is sorry that she shared it, that she should not have, but she says he was too excited and had to share it with somebody.

Why could she not make a video for me saying how much she liked it than to share her feeling with this guy. Is my anger reasonable ? I think that this letter I wrote is something intimate and special that only we should share.

At times she also mentions that a few people think that my girlfriend and this co-worker are a couple. She tells this to me laughingly. 2 questions here.
1. How should I feel about this. ( Currently, I've been ignoring this, but if this continues that way it has been, it is annoying me more by the day)
2. How should I talk to her about my feelings. I think, if I give importance to this co-worker conversation she brings up (for now I just laugh it off), then I might reveal that I'm a bit vulnerable and don't like her saying that he is cute, he's fair, he's sweet and protective. If I don't talk however, she might feel that it is alright to talk this in front of me and I actually do not mind which in turn might encourage her closeness with this co-worker.

[Ella85]

I can't completely answer your question because one thing is bothering me about this scenario and I'm sorry if it comes across as abrupt. But it seems like you have jealousy and trust issues. She is allowed to have friends. I don't really have many guy friends (at least not where I live). But if I speak to a guy my SO doesn't get jealous of it. I'm allowed to have friends and talk to other people.
I think perhaps it would of been nice if she'd of asked and I'd not personally want to share the content of something so personal. But at the same time, she wanted to share something with her friend that she was so happy about. You need to look at the positive in that. There are some people that will give you some good advice on this site and I'm sure they will be along soon. But the way I feel is that perhaps you've over reacted a little, but not entirely. Just something to think about.

[flangepoint]

Thank you Ella I think so too. Definitely she has the right to have all sorts of friends. I'm not against that. I encourage her go out with guys for drinks when I know she'll be safe without me. She takes all her decisions herself and I respect them. You see, when I say this specific co-worker, the case is sensitive. In the scarce time we both get to talk, she at times wants to talk about this guy, which makes me uneasy. So little time we get & that is what her priority is ? Seriously ? Example: when she mentioned about she having shared this love letter I wrote to her, I was taking a flight outside the country and leaving the country for 1 year. We hadnt spoken for 3 days. She did not even ask me how I feel, what time is my connecting flight, what time did I land etc... I feel left out even when I'm doing the most in the relationship.

Its been 6 months I'm in this relationship, I regularly send her cards, letter, cakes, give her small compliments. Its not a right thing to sat but I'm sad she hasnt even asked for my address, let alone sending a postcard or a gift. Not once in 6 months. Am I still over reacting. (Btw, I dressed up Santa Claus last christmas & surprised her at the airport she loved it but then everything seems to go down the black hole of no return)

I've not expressed any reactions or comments to my gf yet. I just want to lay my thoughts and opinions on the table and have a discsussion so that all the over reaction settles down before I talk to her.

But again, sharing our first love letter without even asking how comfortable I would be hurts me. I can understand her desire of sharing her happiness. But she should also understand and anticipate how I might feel about a guy I barely know reading a love letter I wrote only for her. I'm not angry, I'm a bit disappointed. Help me reason that out. I want to make myself accept it. I 'm not able to find the right reasons. That's why I'm here. (Or maybe, it's wrong that she shared it.. dunno which one).

Love your POI Ella... cheers. Thanks for writing back.

[hmrambling]

1. How should I feel about this. ( Currently, I've been ignoring this, but if this continues that way it has been, it is annoying me more by the day)

As a stranger on the internet, I'm not going to tell you how you should feel. Stick with your feelings. They often come from your gut. Your intuition is often a pretty good guide. Also remember that feelings are not facts. What that means is that I remind myself not not make rash, hasty decisions based on my feelings.

2. How should I talk to her about my feelings. I think, if I give importance to this co-worker conversation she brings up (for now I just laugh it off), then I might reveal that I'm a bit vulnerable and don't like her saying that he is cute, he's fair, he's sweet and protective. If I don't talk however, she might feel that it is alright to talk this in front of me and I actually do not mind which in turn might encourage her closeness with this co-worker.

First, look at where your feelings are coming from. Are they coming from an insecure place? If yes, then that might be something you need to start working on for yourself. If you don't resolve it, then that insecurity will resurface again.

After you've looked at where your feelings are coming from, sort out how you want to talk about it.

I like this format:

So, it is very important for us to learn to communicate about how another person's behavior is affecting us - without making blaming "you" type of statements. There is a simple formula to help us do this. It is:

When you . . . . .

I feel . . . . .

I want . . . .

Since I am powerless over you, I will take this action to protect myself if you behave in this way.

The fourth part of this formula is setting the boundary. I will get to that in a moment. The first three parts of the formula are a very important part of taking responsibility for our self - an important step in learning to define ourselves as separate in a healthy way.

Source for this format: https://joy2meu.com/Personal_Boundaries.htm

[snow_girl]

I bet of she shared it with some girlfriends you wouldn't be so uppity over it, why is he giving you this feeling? I would be more upset if she purposely didn't show him, but she did.

If I got an awesome letter like that I would show everyone

[sasad]

I kind if get where you are with that.
You have been in constant contact and doing stuff special for her. She says she will try harder, yet she hasn't reciprocated at all. That hurts your feelings. A lot.
Now, she is sharing something that was from YOUR heart with another man. A man she said she is not interested in because he is to short. ( At least that is what you heard : )) a man she is constantly talking about to you instead of asking about you.

I think I would be disappointed and a little hurt in the same scenario ( spelled out like it is, and there are always two sides) If I wrote my SO a letter and he showed his girl"friend" instead of talking to ME about it, it would bother me. If Adam kept talking about that same girl and what they did etc,. instead of asking me stuff, I would be hurt. Six months and she hasn't even asked for your address???

You do need to have a talk. If you let this all build up it WILL damage your relationship more. You said you are 6 months vested in. Now is the time to start setting up boundaries and being able to express how you feel without (important!) being accusatory. It appears you have other issues with the way she communicates, and this is just becoming the icing on the cake. Feelings are feelings. They are not right or wrong.. they just are.
I agree with HR.. trust your gut. Talk to her. Again.

[BFG]

I'd be stoked if my SO shared my letters and parcels with other people. I love her and i'm proud of it - tell the world.

Shelve the jealousy and revel in how good it is that she loves you too. Hakuna matata.

[Harlequin]

If one of my friends were to show me some sort of crazy awesome love letter their s/o wrote them, I would marvel at the craftsmanship and most likely not care at all about the content unless specifically asked to appreciate it. So there's a chance he didn't even READ the letter, and was instead just like "Wow! This is an amazing, lovingly-crafted letter you received and it's obvious he loves you very much." without actually reading what you said. Overall, though, I would be flattered that she was so taken by the letter, she wanted to show it off to people. That's definitely a compliment.

I'm also going to go out on a limb and say that if she made a bigger effort to send stuff your way and generally be more invested in you, you probably wouldn't care so much about the fact she showed him the letter to begin with. Really, it's a non-issue that's coming about because there are bigger issues it touches. She doesn't seem to make as great an effort with you as she does this guy, which would understandably hurt. She might not even be making that great an effort, but because they work together and therefore spend a lot of time together, it comes across that way. Again, that would definitely touch a sore spot. I would talk to her about how sharing something so personal makes you uncomfortable (IF it genuinely makes you uncomfortable and isn't stemming from other issues), but I would make sure I talked about the bigger issues first and foremost. After 6 months, she should have at least sent you a letter or something. It's important you get that stuff sorted, because you're on two very different pages, and she probably doesn't even realize it's an issue.

Sitting on an issue is only going to make it worse, and you're going to end up resenting her for small things that you can't really explain (like the letter). Talk to her about what's really bothering you, and hopefully you can figure out a solution.

[lucybelle]

In this day and age I'm surprised that letter isn't posted on in four different social media sites with its own hashtag.

[Eleanor]

While I see a lot of people saying you should be overjoyed with the sharing, I think I understand where you're coming from. This is another person she's been sharing her trust with and seems to have a pretty deep connection with. If it were just some coworker passing by, it wouldn't have been as big a deal. But this person knows her opinions, her wants, her needs, is "protective", things like that - this can mean that, worse case scenario, if they picked out something negative about the letter, it could put doubts in her head. At least, personally, that would be my concern with a person.

My boyfriend has a very close friend. Opposing snow_girl's comment, his close friend is a guy. And I'm in a similar situation where I go all-out for my SO with little return, although he and I have an understanding about that. However, when it comes to romantic letters and very carefully crafted items, I would not want him sharing it with his close friend. Not only would I feel a little embarrassed because, people have to remember, it's very personal, but also if his friend were to say something about it the slightest bit off, I just wouldn't know what to do. There are certain people who's opinion's you can't just brush off.

As for the friend in general, while she is allowed to have friends and you can't stop her from her choices, you should definitely talk to her about your insecurities. Showing vulnerability shouldn't be an issue because this is something that she should help you through. You don't just "have issues" - let's be honest, everyone has "issues" - and your feelings of insecurity are allowed to be noted. However, if she insists that they are just friends, then you are also allowed to ask if she can refrain from bringing him up in conversation so much because it makes you miss her; you want to be that trusted friend and you want to be the sweet and protective one, of course. Jealousy is an understandable emotion, you just have to learn to talk through it, control it, and keep it from being a negative emotion.

When it comes to the gift ideas, some people just aren't creative at all. You could suggest starting to write letters to each other or at least sending pictures and that way she gets into the habit of sending you things. Encourage her to join a site like this to be more influenced by other's creativity - that's what I had to do wit my SO. He joined LFAD and he's been bringing up topics to send me an do together and it's helped a lot. A tip would be to help her with her time-management so that you could help her with finding time to send you tings and write you letters, rather that just asking her and expecting her to find time on her own. That's where the anger comes in, I've found - asking them for something and expecting them to do it themselves because they're "supposed to". If you know she's busy and that she's not as creative, then you need to take the step in helping her. If you want her to make time for you, you've got to try to make room for that time yourself by alleviating any additional stress she may have.

Dealing with little creativity and jealousy is definitely difficult but it's not always "Someone's fault" like I've seen a lot of people try to point out. Rather than basically accepting that you're a fun-drainer by ruining a friendship and being selfish (I'm being over exaggeration), you need to learn that when you feel these emotions of anger and wounded pride, they can be controlled. You have to force yourself to look in the mirror and say "I'm hurt. I feel this. However, it is not her fault and she is not my enemy. The situation is the enemy and we can work through TOGETHER." Assess the situation on your own at first, not looking at her as a part of the situation. This is your relationship and it's important. The anger and jealousy are just road bumps that you can over come. You can either try to look away and step over the hill or you can ask to be a part of the situation, maybe talk to her friend and get to know him yourself - you might even become friends!