Overbearing Family and Wedding Plans

[books]

My SO and I have been talking marriage for awhile and we just recently started to discuss our proposed timeline. We are now looking at April/May of next year to get married and close the distance. Originally, I told him I wanted a very, very small wedding- meaning just me & him and his immediate family. To get married in his country (Nicaragua), you need just two witnesses and a lawyer- I just wanted to gather at his family's house and sign the book and be done (I've never dreamed of a big wedding). My SO said this was fine and that he would just like to have a big party after that all of his friends and family could attend.

I was really fine with getting married without my family present. My mother has been unsupportive of my relationship with my SO from the start and has openly expressed her disapproval about the fact I want to move to be with him. I'm also not close with my family, with the exception of my younger brother, and actually don't speak to my mom's husband (my stepfather) at all. It almost seemed like a no-brainer that I wouldn't go out of my way to invite my family because I really didn't see the point in them being there (sounds bad, but that's actually how it is).

During a recent visit with my SO, my SO's aunt was asking me about the wedding plans. I told her I just wanted something really small and my family wouldn't even be there. She said it looks pretty bad that my mom won't even be there, as if I'm denying her this great day. I started to think that maybe I should plan something with my family and still keep it small. There is a really nice beach town in my SO's country and lots of people go there to get married. I figured I'd mention this to my Mom and see what she says.

So, today I talked to her and told her my SO have been discussing our marriage plans. I mentioned to her the idea of a very small beach wedding and she immediately rattled of all of the things I HAVE to do. Here's just a small list:

• Make my little sister the maid of honor (I don't want a maid of honor)
• Have a bilingual English/Spanish wedding because she won't understand otherwise (I was planning on saying my vows in Spanish because that is the language my SO and I communicate in)
• Have my stepfather give me away (WTF?! I don't even speak to him and if I had it my way, he would definitely not even be there)
• Invite several other family members I barely talk to (including my estranged brother)
• Stay in the hotel for a week after the wedding so my mom can have "family time" with me

All this just led to me feeling like I was right all along...it's better off not to even invite my family b/c it will just lead to lots of stress. Plus my Mom is such an overbearing person I'm sure she will embarrass me in front of my SO's family with all of her demands. She said she can't understand why I want to go against tradition- the no maid of honor thing led to at least a 15 minute back and forth alone! I thought this day was supposed to be about what my SO and I want

[Moon]

Keep in mind that "No" IS a complete sentence. I know it's your mom and everything, but stand firm and tell her exactly what you will be doing. It'll probably cause some added friction and stress, but have your wedding your way, especially since it sounds like you're paying for it. Way too often weddings become about everyone else, and not the bride and groom. Do what you want, your family will get over it in time, and you'll have the wedding you want, and those memories will be good ones.

[Dziubka]

Moon put it very well, it's ok to just say "No".

Your mother is unsupportive of your relationship, but has a lot of demands about how the wedding should be anyway. Eeeh... no?

It might look bad that you want to get married without any of your family there, especially if your SOs family is closer or more traditional. But it isn't up to them to judge you for it. If you feel you might be happier without any of your family present, then you should do that.
I guess it would be nice, if you asked your mum if she wants to come down and attend the wedding (also so she can get to know your SOs country and family), especially seeing as it seems that weddings are a big deal to her. But you shouldn't have to change your wedding ceremony for her. It's your wedding and it's happening the way you want it to, you're already making a step towards her by inviting her in the first place. If she demands you change the ceremony for her, because she doesn't like how you want it, then she can stay at home.

The wedding is supposed to be about you and your SO and you should do everything the way you want, not to please someone else.

[lucybelle]

Maybe you could invite a really close friend instead? Just so that there's someone from your side.

And of course your SO's family is going to find it "weird" that your family won't be there. They're nicas! That's how Latin Americans think. I remember once I was telling a guy how I wasn't sure if I wanted kids or not, and he tells me I have to have kids because my mom suffered to have me and now I need to suffer for her... jaja So yeah, that's just the mentality.

Also, make sure to look into the price of getting married there. My mom and her husband were thinking of getting a lawyer wedding down here and it was over $500!!!! Just for the paper! So they did it in the states for $60. It was because they're gringos. So make sure to check.

[books]

Thanks for the feedback everyone. I told my SO about the conversation with my Mom and asked him if his family would look at it negatively if my family wasn't at the wedding...he said that no, he'd just tell them it was because of the distance and they'd understand (which is a lie obviously, it's NOT because of the distance). So, of course, they will judge. It's hard for me to open up to them about my family situation which has been less than ideal.

I also feel that my Mom demanding she attend my wedding not because she's even remotely happy for me and my SO- it's because my older brother got married a few years ago and he didn't invite her (my parents split when I was really young and he grew up with my father). So, now she feels she has to attend one of her kid's weddings. Also, the issue with her husband is really huge for me. I've never been close with him, but a few years ago we got in a fight and he said something very hurtful to me. I have not spoken to him since (this was in 2009). Whenever I visit my Mom (once a year) I say hi to him and nothing more. It's safe to say this is a person I will probably never forgive, even though I know in my heart I should be working towards this, it is very, very difficult. So, when my Mom and I were discussing the wedding over the phone...I said "so my immediate family can come. This means you and my three younger siblings." She absolutely FLIPPED OUT. She said he is her husband and will be there, no doubt about it...and not only that, he WILL be walking me down the aisle because he is the closest I've had to a father in my life (which isn't saying much). I just got quiet because I was so blown away by how insensitive and pushy she can be.

Is this why couples end up eloping?

lucybelle- I'm not sure exactly how much the lawyer charges, but my SO would arrange it all, so no gringo prices. The residency application is a little costly (you have to leave a plane ticket deposit which most likely just goes into somebody's pocket), so I'm working out my budget now.

[lucybelle]

lucybelle- I'm not sure exactly how much the lawyer charges, but my SO would arrange it all, so no gringo prices. The residency application is a little costly (you have to leave a plane ticket deposit which most likely just goes into somebody's pocket), so I'm working out my budget now.

Yeah the price was one of my friend's lawyers, so they weren't ripping us off. It wasn't a "gringo price". It's more expensive because they have to file paperwork with the US embassy etc etc. Many more steps than what they do with citizens. Plus it takes like 3 months for everything to go through. I'm sure you'll find out how things work up there, though I'd think it'd be similar

Glad you got to talk to your SO about it! Leave those negative nelly's out of YOUR SPECIAL DAY!

[Andrea1978]

Just tell her no

It's you and your fiancee's day not hers.

She can either accept it and come or don't.

[Dziubka]

I'm in a similar situation when it comes to the families.
My boyfriend's family is completely different from mine. I'm very close to my mum, but as much as we love and can rely on each other, we're also aware that we both have our own lives and that's ok. I don't involve my mum in everything I do and vice versa. His family will never understand that. His grandparents probably think my family hates me, because I spent Christmas at my boyfriend's, not with my family.
I was sort of insecure about that, but really... whatever. We can't help the kind of family we have. Having a complicated family situation doesn't make you a bad person.

I also have no contact with my father (I google him sometimes, because he has been on the news a bit recently, but we haven't spoken in 3+yrs). My boyfriend's grandma knew about this and still asked me about him. I don't like discussing him with anyone, let alone someone who's just asking so they can find more reasons to make me look bad.
But even my boyfriend, who knows about the situation, was shocked when I told him that I'm NOT going to invite my father to our wedding.

Do you need someone to walk you down the aisle? In Poland the groom and bride walk down the aisle together, followed by the witnesses.
Maybe you could do something like that? Pass it off to your family as ancient Nicaraguan tradition? Or ask your brother to do it?
I think it's a terrible tradition. *If* someone's giving me away, then it would be myself, I've been on my own for a few years now. It's such a patriachist view that the father gives away his daughter to her groom. But if I absolutely needed someone I'd ask my brother...

[books]

Do you need someone to walk you down the aisle? In Poland the groom and bride walk down the aisle together, followed by the witnesses.
Maybe you could do something like that? Pass it off to your family as ancient Nicaraguan tradition? Or ask your brother to do it?
I think it's a terrible tradition. *If* someone's giving me away, then it would be myself, I've been on my own for a few years now. It's such a patriachist view that the father gives away his daughter to her groom. But if I absolutely needed someone I'd ask my brother...

This is exactly how I feel about it. I mean, I understand the whole premise behind it and I'm sure there are many females who are close with their fathers are all for it. I'm not. When my Mom pushed this on me I said "why do I need someone to give me away when I have been on my own since I was 17??"...she just said "oh please it's a tradition and stop being so negative". She also pushed having my little sister as the maid of honor. Her exact words "and your sister will be your maid of honor, she'll be thrilled". Funny thing is my sister really couldn't care less about my relationship (she's 14 and wrapped up in her own little world, so I'm not faulting her for this). I also googled the point of having a maid of honor because frankly I didn't understand it and it says she's the one responsible for throwing the bachelorette party, helping with the guests, calming the bride down..random things. And I'm sure it's a great support person for someone who's into it. I'm not.

Thank you so much for your comments on the family situation. This is exactly the issue- the insecurity I have about not being close to my family. I guess all of this is just bringing it out in the open now since marriage=unification of families.

[books]

Yeah the price was one of my friend's lawyers, so they weren't ripping us off. It wasn't a "gringo price". It's more expensive because they have to file paperwork with the US embassy etc etc. Many more steps than what they do with citizens. Plus it takes like 3 months for everything to go through. I'm sure you'll find out how things work up there, though I'd think it'd be similar

oh ok, makes sense then. I've seen this described online as "legal paperwork" and wasn't sure what it entailed. Luckily I'm not opposed to doing some running around for at least the prep documents, ie. translations, singleness document, authentications...my years of living in Italy prepared me well for dealing with bureaucracy