Is it cold feet, or is it wrong?

[FarAway]

My SO and I are talking about getting married, and I keep bouncing between elation and fear. I have no idea how to tell if I should go through with it or not, and all the things I can think of... not to mention, all of the things that most relationship websites advise... are not available to me because it's a long-distance relationship. Neither of us have much money (flights cost over US$1,000 right now!), and I don't get much vacation time, so as a result, we can only see each other for about 3-4 weeks a year at best (we've been together about 1.5 years).

I know cold feet is a common problem, but I can't tell if it's that or a genuine issue. I have been married once before, and I have a feeling that this might play a part, that I'm afraid to say "yes" because this relationship may go the same way my last one did. On the other hand, I'm also afraid to say "no" because I know that the longer we're apart physically, the bigger the strain will be on our relationship and finances, to the point where it might be fiscally impossible for him to move here. Also, he really wants to get married, and the more I discuss my fears with him, the more paranoid he gets. He thinks he's going to lose me.
I've tried looking up advise, as I mentioned, but it seems to all be geared towards people who see each other every day, and it's things like "could you see them being the father/mother of your children?" (don't want kids) or "take a break from wedding planning to see if the stress from that is the cause" (which doesn't apply to us).

I keep reading that I should explore the root of my fears, but I don't know how to do that. I feel like if maybe I knew what questions to ask myself, that this might at least get the ball rolling to help me figure out what it is I truly want. Does anyone have any suggestions?

[lucybelle]

Well it does sound pretty early to get married, but that always depends on the couple. Also, people who get married for a 2nd time are almost always more hesitant to get married that people getting married for the first time. I think your fears are normal, but stop telling your SO about it. Just say you're not ready, don't give specific examples "when we get married you'll start hating me!" which will definitely push him away. Talk about how you would like to settle down with him, but you don't want to move too quickly.

If you really want to "get to the root" go see a relationship therapist.

[BlueCat]

The first thing that I notice from your post is that if you only get to see each other for 3-4 weeks a year, and you've only been together for 1.5years, then you can't have actually spent a great deal of time together in person. Perhaps you're questioning just how well you know each other. With my SO, I remember that fairly early on in our relationship, I felt like I could want to marry him, but if he had asked, I probably would have freaked out as well as it all would have been a bit quick for me. It's likely that you have no doubts in your relationship and feelings for your SO, but you just feel like it's a bit rushed. You can be together for longer periods of time without getting married. If you can manage to save up some money for a longer visit, you could get a tourist visa and stay in the U.S for up to 6 months. I've done that twice and although you can't work (you need to have enough money saved), it really helped my SO and I get to know each other better and grow closer.

If you bring it up with your SO, and just mention that you don't want to rush anything, especially since being married before, it may hurt him a little, but I'm sure he would have to understand. By pushing you into marriage, he's just as likely to push you away.

Hope you can work things out.

[FarAway]

If you can manage to save up some money for a longer visit, you could get a tourist visa and stay in the U.S for up to 6 months. I've done that twice and although you can't work (you need to have enough money saved), it really helped my SO and I get to know each other better and grow closer.

Unfortunately, neither of us can afford to take even one week off unpaid, much less several months. :\

But thanks for your kind words!

[Jazi]

Well it does sound pretty early to get married, but that always depends on the couple. Also, people who get married for a 2nd time are almost always more hesitant to get married that people getting married for the first time.

this is pretty true, my mum was in a relationship for 10 years before they got married, they even had kids too! if you've been married and then divorced you have broken the vow and the meaning is gone, it just becomes a reminder of the horrible experience of ending a marriage (from what I've heard.. I've never personally experienced it).

it probably is just too early. There are also other ways to temporarily/permanently end the distance that doesn't require marriage.. Although marriage is the easiest way. You could look into what your options are with immigration and work towards the best option.

as an example; if your SO is from England there is a thing called an "ancestor visa" to get into the UK on a permanent basis, You have to have at least one grand parent related to you by blood who was born in the UK and holds UK citizenship. There are loads of other visa options, if marriage isn't on the cards then I'm sure you can come up with a solution.

[efish1042]

Don't give in to pressure, just explain to him that you would rather wait things out a bit more. Discuss it with your family, too. Family usually has better insight into situations like these. You shouldn't agree to marriage until you're sure it's something you're comfortable with.

[Katelyn313]

this is pretty true, my mum was in a relationship for 10 years before they got married, they even had kids too! if you've been married and then divorced you have broken the vow and the meaning is gone, it just becomes a reminder of the horrible experience of ending a marriage (from what I've heard.. I've never personally experienced it).
.

I would just like to say here, (no ill feelings intended, just clarification), that all marriages don't end for the same reasons and saying the meaning is gone from the idea marriage if you've done it before and it didn't work isn't always the case. The meaning may be gone from that marriage, but there's nothing saying there can't be new meaning with this one. Breaking a vow, maybe... but in my situation, my ex is the one that broke the vow when he started abusing me. There was nothing I could do to fix it, that is a deal breaker. That being said, getting married to my current SO has so much meaning. It is nothing like the last time. But yes, some days, I worry about the possibility of going through all of that hurt again.

OP, you have every right to be nervous about being married a second time, it's a huge decision. Especially if it seems like you'll be moving there (am I correct in assuming that?). But you are not the same person you were when you married the first time (I'm certainly not... that experience has changed me) and your current SO is not the same person your ex is.

I'm a list maker, so I would write up a pro and con list of getting married to kind of see everything going along with it. You have to look at every aspect because this is a huge decision. Someone suggested talking to a relationship therapist and that's a very good idea, but you could even try to see a therapist on your own, for just you. I talked to one after my marriage ended. I needed to reassure myself that I was not a failure and I had a right to be happy. I am not and I do. I needed to make sure I was the best ME I could be, before I tried to be an US with somebody. Maybe talking out some of your concerns with a neutral party would help. They might be able to help take some of the emotion out of it and help you see things a bit more logically. (That's ALWAYS my problem. I always have too much emotion and not enough logic )

Hope that helps, feel free to PM me if you need anything. I don't know much about the international part, but I can try to help with the should I do this again, part.

Good Luck!!