A long engagement?

[sewbama]

So I moved about a week ago after a year CD with my sweetie. We talked about being engaged last night. We've been talking about getting married for a long time, but in the past few months it's been a lot more serious. A lot more logistically how/when are we going to do this instead of we'll do it one day.

Thing is, we just started distance that we KNOW will last at least nine months. I started a PhD program about 200 miles from his PhD program. And I do NOT want to get married while we are at a distance. There is potential for him to be here more than there next year (when he starts doing more independent research than classes), but that's even a year away. He'll have a masters in nine months, and could just get a job here instead of continuing with school.

So we know we want to get married, but we know we don't want to get married while we're LD. So we don't want to start planning until we know when we will be CD again (which will likely be a pretty sudden thing -- a job offer or his adviser letting him do meetings from here) and can afford it (two grad students here.. not really loaded). So would it be weird to get engaged, and not even start planning a wedding for at least a year? Do you think people (family, etc) would have weird reactions if there isn't a wedding in the works?

(I think of engagement more as intent to marry than plan a wedding... Just FYI)

[Courtney:)]

My boyfriend decided he wants to propose to me in December because he has the same mind set as you, an intent to marry rather than plan a wedding. If this is what he ends up doing (meaning he doesn't chicken out :P), we will be engaged for 5 years. 5. Sounds crazy, but he wants me to know how serious he is about me. We both have too much going on in our lives for the next few years that a wedding is definitely not an idea for the moment.

I don't think people would have weird reactions. Every couple is different and is in a different situation. If they knew everything you just posted here - it would make so much sense to them that it wouldn't matter. And the longer your engagement, the more time you have to think about what you two want! You don't have to worry about the stress that comes with a short engagement!

[sewbama]

Thanks, Courtney. Yea, five years seems long, but it's a possibility for us, too. It just feels weird still introducing him as my boyfriend. And he seems to want something that says we're more committed than just boyfriend/girlfriend.

Also, I really want to make my own wedding dress. Like a fancy one. So a long engagement might be necessary.

[Kiyama]

Friends of mine have been engaged for six years and just recently he proposed a second time and they're officially getting married next year she still has the same engagement ring though. I think you should do whatever you feel like. If it feels right to you, I'd say go for it!

[mllebamako]

I don't think it's weird, but we've been engaged for 2 years so that's probably why You know, circumstances are different and especially when you are in a LDR and have all these crazy logistics to work around, things can take long. We got engaged with the intention of marrying about 1.5 years later. Now plans have changed a bit again, so it'll be another 3-4 months before we actually marry. But it doesn't bother me, I feel married anyway.

Like others said, do what feels right. I'm sure some people will think it's weird (in the beginning, I got asked so much about wedding plans that I got kind of annoyed...so expect that). But you gotta do what works for you!

[EnglishMan]

A cousin of mine got engaged 10 years ago, and wedding talks have ONLY just started. A long engagement is perfectly fine, its a commitment to dedication to the long term plan of marriage. If I knew me and my girlfriend couldn't get married for an extended period of time, then being engaged for the wait would reassure me in a sense, and put me in the mindset that despite the wait, marriage was always the plan and we had put that into action by getting engaged.

If you want to get engaged you should, dont worry about how long it would then take to get married.

[lyonsgirl]

I feel like it's becoming more commonplace to have longer engagements. At least, among the crowd who gets engaged while still in school. (Since apparently the average age people get married is now higher.) But, like the others have said, do what feels right to you. Sure, people who don't know you that well may think you're a little crazy, but we're all a little crazy.

[notyourexgirlfriend]

Take my advice with a grain of salt but being someone who has been married twice without a really long engagement, take your time. If you both love each other and have the full intention a long engagement won't hurt a bit.

[princessmeg1328]

I don't think there's anything wrong with a long engagement. My sister was engaged for like 6 years before they finally got married. My fiance and I were originally going to be engaged for about a year and a half, but circumstances changed*. It happens all time. Like others have said, you have to do what's right for you. What's right for you isn't going to be what's right for everybody. Don't worry about them. The ones who matter won't care how long you'll be engaged. They'll just care that you're happy.

*We are still getting married.