Planning a wedding... long distance--in college!

[Sylphie]

My boyfriend and I are college freshmen; I moved away to attend college in Louisiana on a full ride, and he had to stay where he could afford to attend, our local college in Savannah, Georgia. We've been dating for seven and a half months now and, of course, have been looking for a way to close the difference. So there begins the complicated bits. The honors program at my school requires that we attend at least one student-led seminar per week; I don't mind, because there are plenty of interesting ones and we can pick which we'd like to attend. Recently I went to attend one that I thought was going to be a Taurus seminar, basically just a discussion seminar. As it turned out, it was a seminar given by a sophomore about being married in college.

That got me thinking, obviously: my boyfriend and I were already planning on getting married, but we were planning to do it after college--you know, so we could get the whole experience of getting married. And so our parents wouldn't murder us. But as it turns out, getting married would solve the financial problems that have been keeping him from being able to move to be with me: I'm currently not receiving any financial aid, just relying on my scholarship and the job that it included. He's receiving some, but the school he currently attends is far from generous with it. Basically, we've done the math, and getting married would let us close the distance. To top it off, I've looked around at our options... and we could have a wedding. A real, actual wedding, because we always wanted a small, intimate one anyways and as it turns out we know a ton of people we could call in favors from, from his aunt who is a florist to a mutual friend who does cakes to my mother, a cosmetologist who does wedding styling at least once a month.

We're sure; that's not the problem. We know that we want to do this. But we've got some things to work out still, particularly two important things. First, he hasn't proposed yet--I know exactly when he's going to, but he's adamant that he won't do it until he sees me in person. So I'll be getting my proposal and ring in December, but that only leaves five months for planning. And telling everyone, because I don't feel like I can officially do much of anything until then. And to top it off, because we're doing the planning long-distance, I have to do most of it by myself, or get help from my bridesmaids, who are causing problems too!

Any advice for a very frazzled, overwhelmed bride-to-be? I'd love to know how anyone here has handled a similar situation!

[lucybelle]

Well since you didn't ask for advice on the actually getting married part, I won't comment on that...

BUT! I'm actually getting married in a few months. My SO has yet to propose but he knows he has to eventually. I told him as long as he does it, I'm cool with it. Even if it's after we're married. I'm not sure why you have to wait to be officially proposed to to plan the wedding and to be "engaged" and to tell people.

I guess I'm technically planning the wedding long distance, but it is just going to be a super quick ceremony and then we'll be going skiing. So nothing fancy. Although I don't get to see my shoes, petticoat or my novio's wedding ring until the day before the wedding! (hope they all fit!) There have been plenty of people to plan their wedding from a distance, so it is possible!

[kittyo9]

I'm not sure why you have to wait to be officially proposed to to plan the wedding and to be "engaged" and to tell people.

^ This!

There's no reason you have to wait until you get engaged to start planning. You don't have to start contacting people yet, but at the very least you can get all of the "picking" out of the way. Picking a dress, picking a venue, picking a color scheme... and so on. You can finalize everything when you're ready to start telling people. Some people have everything planned out by the time they reach high school...

[lyonsgirl]

Some people have everything planned out by the time they reach high school...

lol, that face makes me think you're guilty of this, kittyo9? haha! nothing wrong with it. (i'm totes guilty of planning my wedding now.... even though we're not engaged. )

i do urge you though, OP, to really think about it. first, CONGRATULATIONS!!! on the full ride! that's AWESOME and i know those are really hard to get!

second: there's nothing wrong with a long engagement. you still have all of college to go through (i urge you strongly to finish your education. you do, after all, have a free ride.) and your dreams for the future/your career may change over time. (his might too!) just thoughts. had i married the guy i was with when i started college... well. there would probably be a crater that used to be southwest PA by now, rofl.

[13000km]

I'm in my Junior year in university, my fiance is in his senior year, and we are planning a wedding...in Singapore. The wedding is in December, 5 months from when he proposed. I'd say this is a very similar situation.

I do get asked quite a bit why not wait until you're both out of school? Well, when we're both graduated we plan to pick up and move to another country. Getting married before graduation gives us to years to adjust to being one unit before we are faced with another giant change in our lives. But that's just one of the many reasons.

As for the planning part, even before the proposal, if you have talked about it with your SO a lot then it should be okay to go ahead and tell your close family and friends, especially those who you wish will help you in the planning process. My fiance asked my parents for permission and spoke to his parents about proposing before he did it, so we had the advantage of discussing what we wanted for a wedding with both families. Make a list of places you would like to visit and enquire about, a list of stores you want to look for dresses in, think about the style of shoes, etc. Discuss what kind of a wedding you want with your SO to make sure that both of you are on the same page. I think all those things you mentioned: planning before the proposal, planning from a distance, and having a short engagement period are all very doable. (:

[Zephii]

I planned the bulk of my wedding from Canada, and got married here in Oz. The internet makes everything easier. For the last part of the planning, Obi and I were long distance (visa issues) and although it may have been more fun to have him there, it wasn't significantly more difficult to do it with him still overseas. He was still able to do things like booking the chair hire and dealing with the reception venue. For a lot of weddings the guy has little to no involvement, it's not at all strange for the bride to do it with the help of bridesmaids, family or even alone. So don't worry too much about it.

If the venue you are going to use is hired rather than at someone's house, I would suggest you make your reservation before you are engaged, especially if it's a popular venue or in a city. They book up pretty far in advance, as you might imagine.

[floridaellen]

Please be very careful with this. My best friend got married freshman year of college (now she's going through a divorce but that's not the point I'm trying to make). They planned their wedding in three months. She ended up being so busy while planning that her grades dropped and she had to drop a class. Because she dropped that class, she ended up losing all of her scholarships. She had to drop out and work full time in order to save up the money to return next semester.

I fully believe you can plan a wedding while in college - my mom did it when she was young and from what I hear her wedding was very fancy haha! It's all about time management. But please do not sacrifice your academics. At this point of your life, academics should come first.

[Sylphie]

Thanks for all of the comments! It's reassuring to know that it's perfectly possible to plan a wedding the way we are and still do it well without totally losing my head over it. I guess really my concern is everyone's reactions--I've told my close friends, and most have been supportive. One, who has a pretty strong background in cake decoration and has done formal ones before, is actually going to be my maid of honor and bake our wedding cake for us, which is perfect since she set he and I up in the first place. Our parents, though, are another story. He's always had a nightmare of a relationship with his, and honestly doesn't even want them at the wedding (or in our life at all afterwards), and though my parents know that I've always been very unconventional and that I know myself best, there's pretty much no way they'll acquiesce peacefully without some serious conversation. I guess I'll have to get over it and talk to them about it soon so we're all on the same page about everything, because I really do want them to be there.

As far as waiting until we're out of college... that was our original plan, and we do still plan to keep our wedding tiny and as simple as can be (we're on a pretty shoestring budget, so) and do a nice vow renewal once we're out of college. However, as it stands currently, having done the math, getting married would let us close the distance by next school year, whereas a nice long engagement would mean waiting either until we did get married later in college or until after college to close it. I know it'll be tricky for a while to get used to balancing school, a husband, and the little work-study job I've got, but I know myself and my strengths well enough to know I can do it, and given that, I want to. So as much as we both know it's a risk, it's one we want to take.