Question to everyone who's ever been married

[CaptainKaz]

After my SO proposed to me, we decided to plan a secret elopement. As in, we're just going to get hitched in New York city hall without telling our families beforehand. Obviously, it'll help keep down costs, which is important to me because I'm very money conscious (translation: I'm a skinflint), and I don't want to start our married life in debt. The first year of marriage is tough enough as it is, money will be tight anyway until I'm eligible to work, and so I don't want to create a problem to argue about if I can avoid it.

It's also in a large part because, as we're an international couple, either his side or my side would have to fly to another country in order to go to the wedding. That's not something I'm prepared to ask of either sets of family and friends. Plus, that's opening up a Pandora's box of stress that I'm really just not ready for.

We're not telling anyone because, while my family would very much be of the opinion "It's your choice, as long as it makes you happy", we're fairly certain his family would do their best to convince us to have a big traditional celebration. As in, non-stop psychological warfare. Nonetheless, despite the secrecy of it, I don't think it's going to come as a surprise to anyone - they all understand that we're at the point now where we're getting ready to close the distance.

It's important to note, also, that I intend this wedding to be the only wedding I have - as in, it's not a quick fix one now to close the distance, with the view to plan a big shindig later on. This is it.

The problem I have is this. I was at lunch last week at an exhibition I was attending for work, and a woman in the group I was sat with brought up that she was getting married. I nonchalantly brought up the idea of elopement (as a hypothetical), expecting perhaps a round of, 'Oh!Whataromanticthingtodo's or at least acceptance of the idea, but I was only met with hostility. It did surprise me, honestly, and the two comments that stuck out most to me were: it's a very selfish idea, and I would regret it afterwards.

I've been thinking about this a few days now, and it's thrown me for a bit of a loop. I don't think that I would regret not having a big wedding, but I'm not psychic. I don't know how I'm going to feel after I'm a married woman. My SO and I are planning on having a photographer and have drawn up a list of lovely, romantic things to do in the city to make the day memorable. We have also talked about using some of the money we have saved, that we would have otherwise used to pay for a wedding, on jetting off on a long, romantic honeymoon the day after we get hitched.

So, for people who have done it already: will I regret not having a big wedding day, with the bouquet/garter toss, and the cake, and the speeches and the awful drunken dancing? And is it selfish to not have a big wedding that includes all of our family and friends?

Edit: I also wanted to add: this was always what I wanted, and I really like the idea of eloping. My SO is probably 50/50 - when he proposed, it was with the intention of having a big wedding, but we talked it through, and as I was so passionate about this idea, this is what we decided to go with.

[Moon]

I've been married twice There's no telling if you'll regret it later, you might and you might not, there's no way to know for sure, you just have to go with what feels right. It's the start of YOUR marriage.

My first wedding was the big, traditional shindig. My second was a small, simple, family wedding on a beach. The second was better...less stress, easier, cheaper, less stuffy. I don't know if you're being selfish necessarily, it depends on the situation, like if he's an only child and it would break his mom's heart not to be there. If he has siblings, his mom will get over it, do what you want, otherwise it would be a better start to your married life to include them and avoid hard feelings that could last a long time.

Really, just consider the situation of your families, and decide what will be the best choice overall and how it will affect you down the road, then do what your instinct tells you. Not every girl dreams of the poofy dress, princess-for-a-day, ridiculous cake kind of day for her wedding, there's nothing wrong with that!

[Hollandia]

I was married before. I think it depends on each person. You and your SO. Will it hurt somebody else, like his Mom or yours? Would you care if it did? One thing that I believe is that if you elope and then throw a party afterwards, you forfeit the gifts. If you did not want them at your wedding then you should not expect any gifts. I think that is somewhat rude when people do that. I know many do, but I hate it.

How about a Destination wedding instead? Where are you eloping too? Just let the ones that count the most where it is and it will be up to them to get there. Tell them not to expect much of a reception and at least they were invited to be a part of your special day.

One more thing... when you have kids and they grow up, how will you feel about being able to see them walk down the aisle or not???

[CaptainKaz]

It's honestly the family thing that worries me the most. Regretting not wearing a pretty dress and walking down an aisle, I think I could get over if I did regret it easily enough. My SO has brothers and sisters, who are all married, and all had big weddings. His mum and I get on really well (now anyway, wasn't the case when we started dating), but he is a bit of a mummy's boy (ALL his brothers are, drives me nuts). I also have a sneaking suspicion that he's the favourite, and this would be the last wedding she would get. This is where it gets really complicated.

Firstly, I don't think I should disregard my happiness just to appease his mother - I do think, as we're both adults, it should be our choice how we do it. But equally - I don't want to piss her off! I don't want her to feel like I was this demon woman who came along and denied her the wedding of her youngest child. Plus, I want to maintain a good relationship with all of his family. This has been a big issue for us, because I am not at all family orientated, whereas he is. I've worked really hard to compromise on this and become a much more family friendly and fluffy individual, and I don't want to undo all my hard work now in one foul blow. I made a big effort to befriend his mum, and I want to stay that way.

Also, as weddings in NYC are OFF THE CHART expensive, and his parents are rich, I just know they would want to contribute to the wedding fund. They would have to, as we can't afford it on our own with the amount of people he would have to invite. This makes me uncomfortable, because I just don't like being given money like that anyway, but also, it would mean they would get a say in what the wedding was like. Needless to say, we have vastly different tastes. So having a big wedding raises its own issues.

Moon - if you got married again, how would you do it after your experience with the others? Would you take his parents into consideration before you decided how?

[CaptainKaz]

How about a Destination wedding instead? Where are you eloping too? Just let the ones that count the most where it is and it will be up to them to get there. Tell them not to expect much of a reception and at least they were invited to be a part of your special day.

One more thing... when you have kids and they grow up, how will you feel about being able to see them walk down the aisle or not???

Well, I've decided I personally don't want to have kids - for health reasons, among others - but honestly, it's just not something that would bother me. Which is why I was surprised that anyone thought the idea was selfish.

The problem with a destination wedding is, there's no convenient 'middle ground' for my SO and me. Flying anywhere would mean everyone would have to pay for expensive flights. I just don't want to burden my family with that, who aren't as well off as his.

I definitely do not expect gifts and would never ask for them. I just want everyone to be happy for us.

[Verojoon]

I know you don't plan on telling anyone before hand, but why not discuss it hypothetically with your family? You said they were the ones that would be more open to you doing your own thing... So you could discuss it saying to them, that when you and your SO get married you were planning on eloping for exactly the reasons you mentioned in your posts, but you wondered how the family would think about it or if they can think of other solutions.

Also I noticed you are in London, so if you end up doing a family wedding for your family's sake could you do it somewhere in Europe (that your family could get to by train) and his family is more well-off so they might welcome a trip to Europe? You could still do it extremely low-key and elopement style, sending your family a notice saying: "We're eloping! You can join us if you want!" with some information on the location... And let them know that you will not be having an official reception and telling guests to not bring gifts...

Anyways, there are some options you can throw around, but in the end, it is your marriage that is important... the wedding is just the party to make it official... and it is YOUR party, so you should feel free to do it as you wish... If anyone's feelings get hurt, I would hope it could be worked out by talking about it...

Good Luck making a decision and congratulations on your engagement btw!

[lucybelle]

I've never been married, but I will be in a bit and I can relate to your situation.

My SO and I were originally going to elope under the pretense of ''let's all go skiing in CO!'' to at least get some of my family there. We were just going to show up and be like ''well we're going to get married while we're here!'' But I couldn't convince my dad to come under that facade, and I KNOW he would have been disappointed and felt left out not being there. So we ''came out''. Sort of. None of my friends know (except for LFAD), none of my SO's friends know, nor do our extended families. It's a sort of secret. My immediate family (mom, dad, their spouses, sister, brother) know and so does his. And that's it. We told everyone that this is basically just to sign the papers and we plan on having a party in Costa Rica (with my SO's family) and one in the USA once we move back.

My mom tried numerous times to get me to invite more people or do something else. She says ''but what in a couple years when you're back in the USA you don't want to do the party?'' Well that will mean that I was content with our little thing and don't need a big party to go with it! And honestly, the more I think about it, the more I don't really want the big wedding party. We'll have a nice little thing in Colorado, go skiing, we plan on a nice dinner one evening, we'll drink and go to bars and eat hot wings. What more would I want?

This was rambly.. my point is (as ANYONE planning a wedding or elopement would say) don't let other people influence what YOU want to do. It's your day about you and your SO.

(I will also add that we're not even ''officially'' engaged. So when we marry it'll be a shocker to everyone. And good. Because I don't want them telling me what to do!)

[Hollandia]

Sounds like you made up your mind.

If that is what you both want then that is what you do. You cannot expect everybody to feel as you do. Some might feel otherwise. That all being said, people do it all the time. Will you regret it? Only time will tell.

[Moon]

Moon - if you got married again, how would you do it after your experience with the others? Would you take his parents into consideration before you decided how?

Personally, if I didn't have anyone else to consider - Vegas, baby! Seriously, I'd take off and elope, no doubt. I don't think I'll marry again, but if I did and it was Raine, I'd have to take them into consideration. He's an only child of divorced parents, and I think it would devastate his mom if we eloped. The funny thing is, I'm the family oriented one, not him, but maybe that's why I'd worry about his mom so much. My family wouldn't be happy about it, but whatever, how many of my weddings do they wanna endure anyway?? I'm big on keeping the peace though, so for me, even if I'd just rather get hitched, then hit the strip, I'd probably ask everyone about it first. It's hard when it's international though, both sets of our parents are in their 70's, so who knows how we'd handle it. FYI though, it is STRESSFUL trying to keep everyone happy!!

[Hollandia]

I agree with Moon that all weddings are stressful. Some like open bars and are offended by cash bars. Some don't want any bar and are offended if you have one. Some want to be allowed to bring their child. Some want you to not invite their children to give them a night out. There can be fights over what church and which place the reception should be at too. The seating charts can be loads of fun.

I don't regret the big wedding I had, but I ended up with every family member and friend putting their two cents in. I had my Maid of Honor and future sister in law at each other's throats over the bridal shower. I would totally do Vegas if I can next time. I will also do a huge wedding if that is what my SO wants. It really is only ONE DAY and the most important thing is the marriage.

[CaptainKaz]

Thank you everyone for your responses.

Moon - I originally wanted Vegas, too! I've never been there and I always thought, if we're going to elope, we should ELOPE, and Vegas is the original, after all. This plan was soon trashed when I discovered Vegas is hot as balls. I am not a sun worshipper; I burn within seconds. But yeah, the whole thing about eloping was that I wanted to have fun. Getting married is always a measured risk, there's no telling if it will work out for forever - I understand it's a serious step, but I still wanted to ENJOY myself so that I had a good memory of the day whatever happened. Start as I meant to go on. Worrying about favours and centrepieces would honestly just piss me off. Plus, the thought of walking down an aisle and then saying my vows in front of 150+ people makes me want to vomit in terror.

Hollandia - I have technically made up my mind, as I do and always did want to elope, no muss and no fuss. However, I am prepared to change my mind if it makes my life easier after the wedding though. I really am concerned with keeping the peace with his family. Concerned enough that I'd have a big wedding if it came down to it. But at the same time, everything you listed just makes me want to bury my head in the sand. I don't want to babysit a bridal party or worry about who doesn't want to sit next to who. I just know for certain that however we do it, I want to be married to this man.

Lucybelle - Congrats! I know, I know, I know I shouldn't let this eat at me. I was certain I wanted to elope up until last week. I just never, ever thought there would be a negative reaction to us getting hitched in secret - I always assumed everyone would be happy for us. How did your SO's parents react to the news? Do you both have siblings?

Verojoon - Thank you! I am very excited. If I brought up marriage hypothetically to my family, they'd be on me in a second. They know me too well, it'd be really out of character for me to talk about weddings without some sort of intention, and one of the bastards would wheedle it out of me eventually. That said, I really do want to spill the beans - I'm practically bursting at the seams to to tell my sister. I held back because I didn't think it was fair that I told people, and my SO didn't get to. And if he told people, they would ALL know sooner or later. I would consider doing a low key wedding in England or Europe, but my SO has so many people that he would 'have to' invite - his extended family is HUGE and all really close, and he has a lot of friends who are like family, too. It'd piss his mum off I think just as much as an elopement to tell them that only immediate family was invited.

So this all raises the question - should we then, if we definitely are going to have an elopement, just bite the bullet and tell our respective families? We could then maybe appease them with engagement parties on either side of the Atlantic. And in which case, how on EARTH do I stick to my guns when I have his wonderful - yet ever so passive aggressive - mother laying it on thick every time I see her about how important it is we have a "proper" wedding?

Again, I just wanted to say thank you everyone for the advice. I know this seems simple - just get on with it and do the wedding our way - but I am seriously freaking out about this. I just can't bear the thought of having to rebuild the relationship with his mother again.

[Hollandia]

Yes, this is why I listed them. I wanted you to hear it from one that went through it. I still had a blast that day. You just have to take the good with bad or not at all.

[Zephii]

I don't think you'd regret not having the big wedding day. With all the expense and fuss and people being asshats... *Shudder*
We didn't have a big wedding, it was only 35 odd people, but that was more than stressful enough. Sometimes I wish I'd eloped. Though it was fun to dress up and the drunken dancing was the best... you can't really have an awesome party/celebration with just two people IMO
The things that sold me on the wedding idea was that if we didn't do it, the two sides of our family would never meet - and I needed them to meet and know that there are important people in both our lives on both sides of the ocean - to help them be a little less selfish about which country you're in. (Particularly I got sick of being told I have no one, thus I should live in Canada. The wedding was a very strong reminder that I in fact have a lot of people who love me and miss me when I'm not here.) I also feel that marriage isn't about love as much as it is about taking two lives, two families and joining them as one. Marriage is about family for me.
And the other thing was religion. I needed the ceremony for religious reasons, and what was the harm in letting people witness it? If money was a huge concern, we'd have changed they type of reception we had, not the ceremony, because the reception is where the money goes.

But yeah, I don't think I'd have been damaged for life if I didn't have a wedding, because it wasn't something I'd had my heart set on. I was happy living in sin lol.

I do, however, think that eloping is selfish. I don't think, from time to time, that it's wrong to be selfish. But, it is what it is Weddings might tell the love story of the couple, but they are very much not about the couple at all. (Or at least ones where the couple plan and pay for it themselves - it might be different for bride that have parents willing to pay haha)

People don't feel put out by being asked to come to a wedding, they feel honoured (generally) I don't get why that is, but in my experience it's been the case.

[lucybelle]

Lucybelle - Congrats! I know, I know, I know I shouldn't let this eat at me. I was certain I wanted to elope up until last week. I just never, ever thought there would be a negative reaction to us getting hitched in secret - I always assumed everyone would be happy for us. How did your SO's parents react to the news? Do you both have siblings?

Funny story-- when my SO told his mom we're getting married he happened to do it on ''el dia de la virgen'' which is some holy day here. His mom yells ''ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE'' and then gives thanks to the virgen for letting her son get married. So I think she was so elated her bachelor for life son was actually getting hitched she didn't care where or how. jaja

Anyways, yes my SO has a sister. She was going to try to make it to the wedding, but I doubt she will in the end. His parents would never be given visas to the USA. My SO's mom requested a video of the wedding, and we're hoping to get them live on Skype as well.

Like I said, we plan on having a little party here in CR definitely to include his family. And we'll probably have one back in the USA so my grandparents can come and ooh and aah and feel special and take pictures and stuff. But for now, our wedding day is for us. We're doing it exactly the way we want to. We're inviting only the people we want there. It'll be small, romantic, fun and perfect. (hopefully)

[D.4C]

it's different for everyone...if you are both happy doing it that way...then i say go for it...and take the honeymoon...and you could always have a little reception with each side of the family when you do decide to tell them...it is more practical...and a big expensive wedding doesn't mean anything is gonna last longer...so..i say if you are both happy...go for it...