You all seem like a really great community...And I'm going to ask for some opinions/advice. This is going to be long-winded, so bear with me. If you make it to the end, you get a cookie! If you don't, you can skip to the bottom. There's a handy little TL;DR for ya.
I have a choice to make.
My SO has been committed to me since the day he first said "I love you." In fact, he kind of in a round-about way asked me to marry him, too. It was pretty crazy. We most definitely had a whirlwind romance, and declared out mutual love after barely a week of messaging, never even hearing the others voice. It took me a long time to be committed, much longer than him. Granted, not long by most standards...but longer by my own. I think it would have been easier if he had been my first love, but as it was, I didn't trust as easily, and our language and cultural differences added an extra dimension of complexity. But all that is neither here nor there. The fact is, that although we're not officially engaged, I have been committed to him since we met in person last month.
In my religion (and his, too, as we are of the same faith), we only date to find a marriage mate. So, from the very beginning we've gone in to this as marriage being the end-goal. Neither of us were looking for love currently, and neither of us were in a great place in our life to begin what we have (And we still aren't, really.) But sadly, falling in love very often just happens when it isn't particularly convenient, lol.
Not that you've gotten a little back-story, here's the main part.
When we started dating, it was very clear that there were going to be wedding bells in the future, barring any major catastrophes, or glaring, awful, dealing-breaking character flaws. My mother began to panic. My last relationship, my first love, ended slowly and painfully over the course of 3 years. When it was finally over, my mother was extremely relieved that she wouldn't be losing her daughter anytime soon. And then this happened. Not only was I in a serious relationship again, he lived out of state AND wasn't a US citizen. Well, she staged an intervention. When calling Lakshman and begging him to leave me alone didn't work, she made me promise to wait until I was 21 to get married. To give me a few more years to grow up.
Now people, I know this is a perfectly fine thing. People getting married in their teens makes me nervous. But being in love, I was highly skeptical. But my best friend was on her side, and she knows me better than just about anyone, so I agreed. I made the choice without consulting Lakshman, and that was that.
Oh, man. Why did I do that?
After I agreed, she did several crazy things, like call Lakshman up in the middle of the night and demanded that he agree to do such-and-such before we got married. He didn't take to kindly to this...and the conversation went very, very badly, and ended with all plans of him meeting my mother being canceled. (Granted, I canceled them. But things were baaad, guys.)
When we met last month, not only was it clear we would not be waiting until I was 21, but that waiting would be excruciatingly painful, and possibly spiritually dangerous. (Let me explain: we're waiting for everything sexual until marriage. As soon as we got around each other, we both realized how very very much attracted we were to one another, and it became difficult to keep our hands off of each other. We kiss, we hold hands, but our desire to go so much farther is extremely, extremely strong. In order to stay faithful to what we believe to be morally right, we have to keep it in our pants until the vows have been said.) Once she was around us both, my best friend, who is also our chaperone, actually said before either one of us said anything, that she thought we shouldn't wait, and that 21 just wasn't going to happen, and might not even be the best choice. Her twin sister got married to an older man when she was 19, 5 years ago, and they are the most happily married couple you'll ever see. She saw us together, saw how much we loved one another, and guessed that I would be married by May. (When I'll be getting engaged! LOL!) While I don't quite believe that, Lakshman and I made the choice (together!) to get married next fall, when I would be just shy of 20. It felt right. I could commit to that.
I told my father, as he is level-headed and can look at things and accept them without letting his emotions run wild. He respected my decision, the only thing he asked was that I be able to financially support myself by the time I married. I wanted to hug the man and never let go. What did I do to deserve such an awesome dad?
Well, then one day, out of the blue, my mother asks me point-blank if I'm still waiting for 21. And I don't lie. I tell her no. I stayed completely calm as she worked herself up to a frenzy, and just quietly repeated the same things over and over again. And she sobbed and sobbed, I heard her talking to my father, saying she was going to call Lakshman and tell him to leave me alone, and she sobbed some more as my father got stern with her over the phone, and calmed her down. Oh my goodness, the crying. Crying crying and more crying.
She finally calmed down, but every time I'd come back into the room it would be obvious she'd been crying even more. We're moving to California in three months, (but they're coming back to Kansas in two years) and she said things like 'we might as well just sell the farm and house, there will be no point in coming home...' I have a lot of empathy for her. I was her only child for 16 years, and she loves me so very desperately, but hearing her say things that that also made me mad, because I have a little sister whom she loves-but obviously doesn't love as much as me. I'm just glad she's still too young to tell. But I know in the future she'll always be compared to me. ulgh.
She begged me once again to wait. If not for any other reason, that to just do it for her. She begged me to at least think about it again.
When I was 7-8, my family moved to Colorado. My mother was away from everyone she knew, and fell into a deep depression. She couldn't get out of bed. I was depressed, too. Even though I adored Colorado, and the place we lived, I couldn't shake the blanket of sadness that she engulfed me in. I wouldn't get up in the mornings, because there was no one there. I was all alone, with my mother in her room. I'm terrified of putting my father and my little sister through that. I know what it's like to be a victim of someone else's depression. I have depression myself, and it's a absolute demon.
I'm kinda convinced that my getting married next year will send her over the edge. She's not the most...sane woman in the world. And this really could break her.
I talked to my dad about it. He suggested that I promise her that I'd put off making a decision either way until we finish moving to California, and get settled there. My dad and I are terrified about this move, that THIS alone will break her. We're so scared that we're going to lose her again. And this stress of when I'm getting married back in the picture...it's just adding to a mounting awfulness. So I agreed. And honestly, too. I'm honestly considering it, either way. Sure, we're horny. But if our love is true, it will survive a couple of years apart. I told her that I would put off making a final choice.
And there's where I stand. An emotionally unstable woman making me promise not to get married until I reach an arbitrary age, and me, in love and wanting to be married a year from now. Blaaarg. Advice? Opinions? Sympathy? lol.
TL;DR: emotionally unstable mom is asking me to wait till I'm 21 to get married, because she can't handle the thought of losing me before then. My boyfriend/fiance and I want to get married this time next year. If I do what I want, and what feels right, my mom might end up in a mental institution, and my family in upheaval.
I have a choice to make.
My SO has been committed to me since the day he first said "I love you." In fact, he kind of in a round-about way asked me to marry him, too. It was pretty crazy. We most definitely had a whirlwind romance, and declared out mutual love after barely a week of messaging, never even hearing the others voice. It took me a long time to be committed, much longer than him. Granted, not long by most standards...but longer by my own. I think it would have been easier if he had been my first love, but as it was, I didn't trust as easily, and our language and cultural differences added an extra dimension of complexity. But all that is neither here nor there. The fact is, that although we're not officially engaged, I have been committed to him since we met in person last month.
In my religion (and his, too, as we are of the same faith), we only date to find a marriage mate. So, from the very beginning we've gone in to this as marriage being the end-goal. Neither of us were looking for love currently, and neither of us were in a great place in our life to begin what we have (And we still aren't, really.) But sadly, falling in love very often just happens when it isn't particularly convenient, lol.
Not that you've gotten a little back-story, here's the main part.
When we started dating, it was very clear that there were going to be wedding bells in the future, barring any major catastrophes, or glaring, awful, dealing-breaking character flaws. My mother began to panic. My last relationship, my first love, ended slowly and painfully over the course of 3 years. When it was finally over, my mother was extremely relieved that she wouldn't be losing her daughter anytime soon. And then this happened. Not only was I in a serious relationship again, he lived out of state AND wasn't a US citizen. Well, she staged an intervention. When calling Lakshman and begging him to leave me alone didn't work, she made me promise to wait until I was 21 to get married. To give me a few more years to grow up.
Now people, I know this is a perfectly fine thing. People getting married in their teens makes me nervous. But being in love, I was highly skeptical. But my best friend was on her side, and she knows me better than just about anyone, so I agreed. I made the choice without consulting Lakshman, and that was that.
Oh, man. Why did I do that?
After I agreed, she did several crazy things, like call Lakshman up in the middle of the night and demanded that he agree to do such-and-such before we got married. He didn't take to kindly to this...and the conversation went very, very badly, and ended with all plans of him meeting my mother being canceled. (Granted, I canceled them. But things were baaad, guys.)
When we met last month, not only was it clear we would not be waiting until I was 21, but that waiting would be excruciatingly painful, and possibly spiritually dangerous. (Let me explain: we're waiting for everything sexual until marriage. As soon as we got around each other, we both realized how very very much attracted we were to one another, and it became difficult to keep our hands off of each other. We kiss, we hold hands, but our desire to go so much farther is extremely, extremely strong. In order to stay faithful to what we believe to be morally right, we have to keep it in our pants until the vows have been said.) Once she was around us both, my best friend, who is also our chaperone, actually said before either one of us said anything, that she thought we shouldn't wait, and that 21 just wasn't going to happen, and might not even be the best choice. Her twin sister got married to an older man when she was 19, 5 years ago, and they are the most happily married couple you'll ever see. She saw us together, saw how much we loved one another, and guessed that I would be married by May. (When I'll be getting engaged! LOL!) While I don't quite believe that, Lakshman and I made the choice (together!) to get married next fall, when I would be just shy of 20. It felt right. I could commit to that.
I told my father, as he is level-headed and can look at things and accept them without letting his emotions run wild. He respected my decision, the only thing he asked was that I be able to financially support myself by the time I married. I wanted to hug the man and never let go. What did I do to deserve such an awesome dad?
Well, then one day, out of the blue, my mother asks me point-blank if I'm still waiting for 21. And I don't lie. I tell her no. I stayed completely calm as she worked herself up to a frenzy, and just quietly repeated the same things over and over again. And she sobbed and sobbed, I heard her talking to my father, saying she was going to call Lakshman and tell him to leave me alone, and she sobbed some more as my father got stern with her over the phone, and calmed her down. Oh my goodness, the crying. Crying crying and more crying.
She finally calmed down, but every time I'd come back into the room it would be obvious she'd been crying even more. We're moving to California in three months, (but they're coming back to Kansas in two years) and she said things like 'we might as well just sell the farm and house, there will be no point in coming home...' I have a lot of empathy for her. I was her only child for 16 years, and she loves me so very desperately, but hearing her say things that that also made me mad, because I have a little sister whom she loves-but obviously doesn't love as much as me. I'm just glad she's still too young to tell. But I know in the future she'll always be compared to me. ulgh.
She begged me once again to wait. If not for any other reason, that to just do it for her. She begged me to at least think about it again.
When I was 7-8, my family moved to Colorado. My mother was away from everyone she knew, and fell into a deep depression. She couldn't get out of bed. I was depressed, too. Even though I adored Colorado, and the place we lived, I couldn't shake the blanket of sadness that she engulfed me in. I wouldn't get up in the mornings, because there was no one there. I was all alone, with my mother in her room. I'm terrified of putting my father and my little sister through that. I know what it's like to be a victim of someone else's depression. I have depression myself, and it's a absolute demon.
I'm kinda convinced that my getting married next year will send her over the edge. She's not the most...sane woman in the world. And this really could break her. I talked to my dad about it. He suggested that I promise her that I'd put off making a decision either way until we finish moving to California, and get settled there. My dad and I are terrified about this move, that THIS alone will break her. We're so scared that we're going to lose her again. And this stress of when I'm getting married back in the picture...it's just adding to a mounting awfulness. So I agreed. And honestly, too. I'm honestly considering it, either way. Sure, we're horny. But if our love is true, it will survive a couple of years apart. I told her that I would put off making a final choice.
And there's where I stand. An emotionally unstable woman making me promise not to get married until I reach an arbitrary age, and me, in love and wanting to be married a year from now. Blaaarg. Advice? Opinions? Sympathy? lol.
TL;DR: emotionally unstable mom is asking me to wait till I'm 21 to get married, because she can't handle the thought of losing me before then. My boyfriend/fiance and I want to get married this time next year. If I do what I want, and what feels right, my mom might end up in a mental institution, and my family in upheaval.
lol. We really aren't in any danger, come to think of it. We're always chaperoned. (And thank goodness for that!) Hmm. I don't really know why I put that in there at all...anyways. 
I simply feel that if you're in love, then what is the point of rushing something good? I don't think sex should be that point/reason.
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