"Two" Weddings

[lyonsgirl]

So I've noticed more and more people (both on LFAD and not) are essentially planning on having two weddings. They'll get married at the courthouse and then some time later, they'll have the "traditional" wedding with the white dress and walking down the aisle and wedding party and reception.

I'm struggling to understand the draw to this. I mean, I understand that you want to be married and celebrate with family. But... why have two ceremonies? The second one isn't real, since you're already married... why not just have the JP marry you, then have a party with your friends and family? Or, just wait until you can have the "traditional" wedding?

Or am I missing something? I hope I don't sound rude in asking this, but I just don't get it. A friend of mine from high school did this, and I didn't understand it then either. Is it a religious thing, because if you're not married in a church it "doesn't count" or something?

[Tooki]

If there is an international element, then I can understand the need to have two ceremonies. The first ceremony is often necessary to satisfy the marriage criteria to get a visa.

Perhaps they also do ceremonies in case that its impossible to get both sides of the family together.

[Dziubka]

There's probably as many reasons to do that as there are reasons to get married in the first place.

In my country, you can't get married in the church if you're not legally (=courthouse) married first. You can do both on the same day obviously and go to the courthouse in the morning and then to church, but you'd still sort of have two weddings - just on the same day.

Maybe the most common reason, especially for long distance couples, is that they need marriage for immigration (financial reasons, etc), but can't afford to have the party yet or don't want to plan from a distance. Why is the 2nd wedding "not real"? If you're religious and haven't married in the church, then it'll still be the first time you're making that promise in front of God. I'm not especially religious but getting into a legal contract (=courthouse wedding) is something different to sacramental marriage. If only because... you can get out of the legal contract marriage, but (at least in Catholicsm) you can't get out of sacramental marriage.
Even if you're not religious and the 2nd wedding is "only" worldly party, then it's still a party where you celebrate your relationship, make vows to each other or whatever.

[lucybelle]

I was one planning on two (or even three!) different weddings. This first one, then one big party in CR and again in the USA. (I'm actually content with the one we had so I don't know if we'll do any of the other ones, but anyways...)

I remember my sister saying she thinks those "second" weddings are a sham and weird because you're not really getting married. I told her "screw you". I wanted a second wedding to have the big dress, the fancy flowers, the wedding parties, my grandparents to ooh and aah. We needed to get married to get the visa started, but that doesn't mean we both don't want to celebrate with EVERYONE we love who has supported us. Right now that type of party just isn't feasible. So we put it on hold until it is. Then everyone who couldn't make it to the "courthouse" can make it to the big party and eat cake and be merry. Because that's what it's all about

[ThePiedPiper]

I agree with Dziubka.

When my ex and I were considering our options for immigration, the fact of the matter was that it would have been easiest/most viable to do it by way of a fiance visa, and while I should ultimately hope that we could afford the traditional wedding ceremony and the visa, if he had immigrated any time I'd still been in school or when I'd recently graduated, we wouldn't have been able to afford both. Immigration fees come to well over a grand, and you still have to factor in the cost of travel and actually obtaining the documents that you need to apply in the first place. It isn't an easy, or cheap, process. For when it happens nationally, again, it could be the same type of issue: moving is expensive. If you have the money to pay for a traditional ceremony, legal wedding and move all at the same time, then great, but not everyone does, and not everyone wants to wait until they have that money to get married. This isn't to mention the practical benefits of marrying.

I don't see how the second ceremony isn't real, however. To me, marriage isn't about a piece of paper. It's not about going in, getting something signed and being recognised, legally, as being married, though I understand for some people, that's all that marriage is. I see it as only one part of marriage. To me, the traditional ceremony is more of a spiritual ceremony (and not even speaking purely religiously when I use the term "spiritual," here) and it's about celebrating the union between two people. I hesitate to see how that isn't "real."

[kittyo9]

I think the two major reasons for having two weddings like that are 1) international issues, where marriage is often the only feasible way to actually close the distance, and 2) money. Weddings can get really, really expensive, and some people really want to have that dream wedding but have no way of affording such a thing when they get legally married (often for tax or title reasons). The ceremony can also have an entire meaning on its own, as some people might like to be married in a church under their respective god(s). This is separate from a legal marriage, which marries you under the law.

My SO and I have considered multiple weddings primarily because we are international and it is ridiculously expensive to make either of our families travel. We would rather have two small ceremonies and only have to worry about flying ourselves out than forcing my SO's relatively poor family to buy plane tickets and go through extensive and expensive visa processes just to come here to see us wed. So, basically, we'd get married in the states (legally, with my family) so that we can just travel with spouse visas (what a pain in the ass everything else is >:/ ) and sometime later have a wedding (possibly more formal) with his family.

[lademoiselle]

I'm all for the idea. Not because of international or financial issues, but because I see the courthouse part as something personal to you and your SO alone, and the church part as something to be shared with your loved ones. (I'm not sure how my SO feels about this, it's not something which we've spoken about before). If I were to marry him I wouldn't want anyone to know when the legal ceremony was taking place... and to be perfectly honest, I'm not sure I'd even have a traditional ceremony if the decision was all mine I do realise I have a number of hang-ups surrounding the idea of wedding ceremonies though, so my view on this matter probably isn't the most balanced!

[lyonsgirl]

I'm a member of theknot, and every time a bride-to-be mentions they're getting married at the courthouse and then having the "traditional" ceremony at a later date (I'm talking strictly US brides here and most of them aren't LD) the forum goes all up in a fit about how there's "no point" to the 2nd ceremony or whatever because it's "not real" since you're already legally married. Just wanted LFAD's opinion, since the members of LFAD seem to have more than just air puffs for brains...

It's great to see the responses so far though! A lot of these things (okay, all of the international stuff) I never would have thought of because I'm not in that situation. (I hope you ladies/Tooki don't think I'm against the two weddings idea, though! I think I may have let some of the "knotties" get to my head. )

[Tooki]

All good . My GF will probably be forced into the two weddings situation.

[mllebamako]

We've already had 2 (and a 1/2?) weddings and will probably have another one in a year or so. The international thing played a big part in this, as well as religion, and the private-ceremony thing that lademoiselle talked about.

We did the religious ceremony was the first one we did. This was something that was important to my SO and his family but not so much to me. It was like an engagement party, showing our level of commitment. But it did also mean that we were married in God's eyes but not legally. Two years later, we had a private courthouse wedding- just us, our daughter, and 2 witnesses. We had really wanted this to be private since neither of our immediate families could be there (they live in different countries) and we didn't just want his extended family there (who we are not very close to, but they do live in the same city). But we were also glad that this really important moment was just shared by us. And the 1/2 was the small BBQ we had with friends that night.
So the final one, will probably be when we move to the States in a year or so, as a way to include our families. It'll be more like a welcome back to America party but I'm debating on whether or not I'll wear my wedding dress (I had already bought one in the USA when our plans were different) that I never got to wear.

Sorry, that was a really long explanation! But I am a big fan of having 2 weddings!

[ChibiFelicia]

Im also a member on theknot (well was). I understand why they see it as a sham but they aren't in the same situation as I am. My husband and I got married in the courthouse at the end of august, it was with his best friend and his parents. It was lovely. and we need that certificate to start our visa process. I know we could've gone the fiancee visa route but knowing that i wouldn't be able to work, travel etc we decided against it (it aso costs more than the spousal visa).

We'll be having a wedding in HK with all my family (most of my family - including my parents have moved back to hong kong) this december then another one in the US when I finally arrive in the US. That one will be with all his friends and family. It's all going to cost alot so we're saving for that and the move.

[leonsfangirl]

While i can understand why people want to have two or more weddings so everyone can join in the celebration but it's not for me. I'm getting married in Canada and my parents can't afford to join me. I'm not planning on having another wedding when my SO finally makes it over to us in the UK but i would like to have a party to celebrate the end of the distance and the start of our lives together but no ceremony.

The thing i don't get is the second wedding after youve been married for 10/20 years to renew your vows but thats another thread.

[lyonsgirl]

The thing i don't get is the second wedding after youve been married for 10/20 years to renew your vows but thats another thread.

While I understand having a vow renewal ceremony to include say, kids, but making it basically a 2nd wedding? I don't get that either. That said, I don't plan on having a vow renewal ceremony.

[blankita719]

I've actually considered this for myself, without the need for it since we're both in the States and immigration isn't an issue. For me the idea was a compromise. The SO does not want a big wedding. His dream day is Justice of the Peace and then to go home and watch television. My dream day is a little bigger than that I thought about doing a simple ceremony with just us for him, and then doing a bigger reception at a later date for family, so not exactly two weddings, but a celebration later on where I can wear a real wedding dress and have the traditional dances and such, but the marriage itself be a private moment with the two of us alone. I guess it's not actually 2 weddings, but a celebration.

My best friend did have two weddings. She got married at the courthouse because she was planning a destination wedding in Mexico, and when they looked into the cost of legally getting married there, it didn't make sense. They only celebrate the day of their destination wedding as their anniversary. If you're doing it for that reason, I think it makes sense as well.

[Kiyama]

In Germany it's pretty common to have two weddings. We need to get married at a courthouse to make it legal but of course most people also want the blessing of the church so what choice do they have? Usually they are just a week or so apart but I know of people who had them within a time span of a whole year!
My SO and I are applying for a K1 visa so we need to get married in the US. I don't know if any of my family and friends can be there so I am considering a second wedding in Germany to celebrate with my beloved ones (or at least have a big party and renew the vows, I don't know )