Can it work with differences about kids?

[Tjej]

Hey guys,

I'm new and I'm not sure if this is really the right place to be putting this, and I suppose it's not even really long-distance specific...but I need some advice.

I'm desperately in love with my SO, and the truly wonderful thing is that he's just as in love with me. After coming through a series of relationships where I was always just a little "more into it" than my guy was, and sort of getting accustomed to that and thinking it was natural, it's amazing to be with someone who makes it so abundantly clear, all the time, that I mean the world to him. He wants to spend the rest of his life with me, and I think that sounds absolutely perfect, too! We have so many dreams together already...and our first goal is of course to be together.

So anyway, at this point I know that he loves me, I know that at some point he wants to move in together, and I know that he wants to marry me (though I'm pretty certain that that's a few years down the road, if we make it that far- which I'm certain we can! ). But I know that there are other issues involved when you become that serious...and so I began to ask questions about it. On most things we agree perfectly...but today we got to the kids issue. He said that kids can be adorable, but babies crying is the worst sound he knows and it gives him an explosive headache,and so he said he definitely doesn't want them now. I asked if he wanted kids later, and he said maybe, but that there were just so many downsides that he didn't know if he could stand it. He said that my hormones would be awful for 9 months and I'd be (even more :P) impossible, we'd then hear screaming around the clock, and the diapers would be unbearable.

I answered that of course kids are hard work, but that they can also be wonderful and the true showing of how much you love each other....the point where two really DO "become one". He responded that the risk of all that work is that it takes so much effort that it's impossible to keep the love between the couple, and he didn't think the risk would ever be worth it for us. I said that I didn't think that risk was even worth mentioning because it was so small, and used my parents as an example. They're still head over heels for each other, three adored kids later.

Then he said that the thing was that I'd have to give so much attention to the kid that it would take my attention away from him, and same with him. He wouldn't give the kid as much attention as he felt he should because he'd want to give it all to me. He said that a kid would require our FULL attention, which meant we wouldn't have any for each other. I told him that it didn't have to be that way- a couple becomes a family, and the whole is greater than its parts- it all just gets BETTER, not worse. He said that that could be true, but he also had such a really special feeling with just us. I told him that he wouldn't have to lose that- a child becomes part of it. I said that it wouldn't mean anyone got less attention or love, because that's the amazing thing about love- it has no limit. Love never has to stop growing, whether it's for one person or if you learn to love tons of people. I said that love can be infinite, and that loving is a skill.

He replied that he liked my way of thinking, so there is hope for him yet. But then he went on to say that, as it is now, he's just not skilled enough then to love anyone else but me. And from there it got kind of onto other subjects through that whole train of thought, weird connections thing.

I'm sorry this message is so incredibly wrong, but I guess it culminates in this: What should I do? I know that this whole thing is years down the road, so it doesn't matter at this instant...but at the same time, what's the point of continuing it if I know that it won't work? Because I want kids at some point, I know that I do. But I've also never felt this way and I really do think he may be, to use a cliche, "the one". He's certain that I'm the one. But I don't want to give up children, and I also wouldn't want him to just "give in" to having kids and not really want them...any recommendations on how to soothe these impending-father fears?

Thank you all so much for any advice!

[Obsydian]

The only thing I can think of, and my boy brings this up to me quite a bit, is that further down the road, I mean much further, we will stop being as obsessed with each other as we are now. The love will still be there of course, but otherwise the gushing is done. Perhaps that's true of all couples, and that would be around the best time for children as all attention won't be focused on each other constantly.
Also, perhaps you'll get lucky. Not all babies cry constantly, I know I was a quiet baby.

[archangel]

There is nothing wrong with thinking and dreaming ahead with your SO. Just the reality is... there is going to be bumps in your path. Me and my SO have hit them, and yeah... they suck plain and simple. But once your past them your relationship becomes a lot stronger. Not to scare you at all... i'm just saying. I've seen your introduction post and saying that you want to see meet each other so soon is a wonderful goal, but do your parents know? Telling them is always the difficult part (same goes with friends).
Try stepping back a bit and talking about other things you and your SO are more comfortable with. You can work you way back to this gradually, and you never know he might be more comfortable talking about it then rather than now.

good luck!

[PatricksGirl]

Me and my SO kiiiiinda have a similar problem. I've always wanted a large family, he's always wanted one child (a daughter). It gets me down every time we talk about it. But the thing is...we're both young. Opinions change. It sounds like he hasn't ruled it out completely, and if he knows how passionate you are about the subject, and the fact that it is a couple of years down the road before you're ready, his opinion has a pretty good chance of changing. Does he come from a divorced family?

[Rhiavaan]

Trust me, after you've been together awhile, things will settle down. You'll have you time, he'll have his time. Children are a huge step, lots of talking, if he's young can scare him. Give him a few years and he may come around. ^_^

[MadMolly]

How old are both of you? I would not worry about it for the time being as guys tend to get clucky around their 30s or so, regardless of what they think of babies earlier in life. I know that I definitely do not want kids - but I cannot say what 30-year-old me is going to be thinking so I won't disregard the idea completely.

[Zephii]

I think Obsydian has a good point. Tell him that there will be a time where the desperate gushy love will settle a little - the end of the honeymoon phase.

But other than that, I think he sounds like he's really young, and that his opinion will likely change. When Obi and I first started having sex the thing he was most terrified of was me falling pregnant. Being a father - expecially of a bastard - was the worst fate ever in his opinion. And he was very firm on that we'd start having babies when we're thirty. Just the other day, he snuggled into me and told me he's not afraid to have children with me, and agreed we could start next year (We're 23 now). It's a big difference. But, the difference is, we are much more secure in this relationship now. The commitment is there, we've lived together every day for near 10 months and we know we can deal with each other at our worst. He's also seen how I am around children, and seen that I have just as much love for him.

All you can really do is be honest. If not having children is a deal breaker for you, tell him that. But at the moment, I get the feeling he's just scared that it's too soon to even think about, and that if he agrees to "one day" you might turn that into "tomorrow".

Peace, Love and Carrots!

[Tjej]

Thank you all for the replies, they're good points. Yes we are rather young, so I can understand why he would be scared of it at this point, but not why he would rule it out entirely. @Archangel, yes our parents know about it, and his approve wholeheartedly while mine are iffy, but we are both old enough that their opinions don't really have to make a difference anyway. :P

Another key factor in it, I think, is that we come from such different backgrounds. My parents are ridiculously in love and after twenty years still have some of that "teenage giddiness" when they see each other. I grew up with my cousins too and the house was always brimming with love and childish laughter. He's an only child who firmly believes that he's the only reason his parents are still together. His parents became disenchanted with each other a long time ago. So I can see why he just wouldn't see any of the advantages of having children- he's never seen the happiness that I've seen from it- but how can I try to show him the possibilities of happiness but not make him feel pressured about it?

[Silviar]

Let me tell you something I've learned not just from people in my own life, but a piece of advice Dear Prudence actually has given a few times - there are a LOT of parents, including herself, who start out not really wanting kids and doubting, and they turn into great parents.

Now, if he makes it clear he doesn't like children, never wants children because he doesn't like them and wants to be childfree, then you have a totally different conversation that needs to happen, but that's not what's going on from what I read above.

[MTK]

You are madly in love with this guy, right? Then give him some time and it is not the end of the world if you disagree it won't be the end of the world. As people have metioned before me there will be bumps in the road and there is stuff that you are bound to disagree about, the beauty of a really good relationshipis to work out the kinks and figure out something that does work for both people.

I kid feel "meh" about people saying that your love will "die down" a bit when you exit the honeymoon phase. I think it depends on the people in the relationship. Kudos to your parents for havin that "teenage giddiness" after 20 years. Awww =)

[annamorgan]

Every relationship has its ups and downs along the way: that's LIFE! I think you should enjoy eachother's company for several years before deciding to raise a family. Maybe over time your SO will realize that he wants to raise a beautiful family with the one he loves Bringing a child into this world is a wonderful thing, especially doing it with the one you love. Worrying about the little things like crying, diapers, etc is petty; think of the BIG PICTURE :]

[Mio]

Talk it thru a lot. This is a deal breaker for some.

[paulawriteslove]

You're not thinking the wrong way. Not wanting to have kids could be a big issue. I don't know what I would do if my boyfriend didn't want to have kids. Your SO may change his mind in the future though

[JoMarie]

I think that right now we fantasize all about what we want with our SOs. Unfortunately no matter how far down the road you plan, there will be things that change because life isn't something you can plan out. There will be bumps in the road that will make you want something else, and him also. I say if you love him give him time, and then talk about it again.

[Tanja]

It sounds like he's just worried that having kids will ruin your relationship - which is good in a way cause it means he loves you and doesn't want to lose you. If I were you I'd just wait a while before bringing it up again because if you're both still young it's just a matter of time before he might turn around.

Andy's thoughts on the subject are a bit similar: some days he feels like having lots of kids with me and some days he doesn't want any. He knows I want them but neither of us know when yet since it's gonna take a few years probably before he even lives here and I think that time will be good for us cause we want to enjoy each other as much as we can before having kids cause they really are hard work and take lots of your together-time away from you. They are worth it though, there's nothing more amazing than seeing the face of your own flesh and blood for the first time ♥