Cold feet?

[Kiyama]

Hello lfad,

When it comes to getting married, how do you handle cold feet? Is this a normal thing or a reason to question the relationship?
My SO and I had a rough patch a while ago but mainly because of the whole comittment thing.
I truly love this guy. He makes me happy and we have a lot in common. We share the same attitudes, we have similar interests and agree on how to spend our free time together. We love to hang out with each other, both at home and somewhere out and enjoy spending time with friends.
My last relationship was aweful. I lived with my ex for one year and already after a week of moving in with each other, I knew it was a mistake. I already knew the relationship wouldn't last after a few months because we disagreed on how we wanted to spend our lives together.
With my SO it is different. We haven't lived with each other for a long time, just a couple of months here and there but I know it works out. I now know the signs and we are good in living with each other.

So why am I posting here? Maybe because of our past problems that have left me somehow burnt. Maybe because marriage is a big thing that shouldn't be done easily. You see I have a pragmatic attitude towards it. I don't necessarily need to be married to someone. If you are in love, you are in love and you can be with this person without a ring. That's what I learned from my parents as well. They got married after a decade of being together and they had a tiny wedding with just their best man and maid of honor with them and a mini reception with close family afterwards. But they are my role models for a happy marriage because they belong together and they know it, have always known it, no matter what hardship they went through.
Maybe I'm idealising it but that's what it seems like to me.

My SO and I have recently filed for a K1 visa. It's exciting but I have to admit, I am a little anxious about it. So is he. We want to be together and I can't imagine the thought of not ever seeing him again or talking to him. It almost breaks my heart to think that way. At the same time I don't want to rush things. But if he doesn't get a job in Europe in the near future, this is our only option really because otherwise I'll be tied down at some place in Germany and we are facing years of long distance, which neither of us wants. We want to be together. Argh!
What are your opinions? Sorry if this is confusing but that's what it's like in my head

[lucybelle]

I was nervous about getting married because so many couples I know have gotten divorced (including my parents). I was just so sure that one day our marriage would end in divorce. Not for lack of trying, but just because people are so dynamic and we could very easily grow apart. I still have that fear, but it doesn't bother me as much as before.

Cold feet on the actual day or the days leading up to it? Not at all. We were so busy and excited that I barely had time to think. Then after we got married I was a little upset because I was like "why don't I feel different?" I mean I knew the relationship wouldn't change, but I thought at least I'd be a little more excited or something. I wasn't. It was just like any other normal day.

[summerkid]

This could be my naivity speaking, but I don't see what the big deal is either. This is the man you love and makes you happy and you see yourself spending your life with.

I hear this argument quite often when it comes to marriage "it's just a piece of paper".. but what they mean with it is "why bother to get married? we love eachother, we don't need a piece of paper to prove it"... and in a sense I agree with that. But i think it works both ways. It is just a piece of paper, so in a case like yours, where it is practically the most viable option, why let yourself get stuck in place over a piece of paper? There are pre-nups which you can use to protect both of you and maybe that would ease your minds about the what if scenario. And there is divorce, that is a risk.. true. Which, I know, sounds terrible. But a break up is a break up. Whether you call it a divorce or you call it Jennifer, it will still be just as horrible.
A marriage is the practical option for my SO and I for example, and I've turned this around in my head because I am generally not at all for getting married. But, if it's a strategic decision so to say, if it's a "beaurocratic" process we have to go through to be able to be together and it makes sense, then I will approach it like that. Again, maybe I am being naive.. I don't know. The perspective scares me, but I am trying to look at it from all angles.

The uprooting part for me seems the scariest. But, I don't know.. I still think you only have one life, and it's worth risking and going for what makes you happy. I can't bear the thought of spending the next 5 years LD.. so however scary the perspective of urpooting to a different continent and having things go south, the scarier part is not trying to have those years together....

Either way, lots of luck and happiness to you both

[MattDavies86]

I'm not married but intend on being one day so I can only speculate, but I figure cold feet or nervousness is to be expected, it's a big commitment, like me I'm sure you only want to get married once in your life, you have to be sure and your thinking is this the right person, the right time, only you can tell that, but from what i know about you and your relationship I think you know the answer to your own question I would be the same as you, but if I was considering marrying a girl I would be damn sure before I did it, infact I have never wanted to marry any of my previous girlfriends, we never thought of it, talked about it or even crossed my mind, but this time I'm already thinking about it lol. Anyway, here for you as always

[Zephii]

There are a lot of couples that get cold feet. Mainly because of the thought of divorce. But I will tell you this, they only fear divorce because they make it an option.

If divorce isn't an option then the fear turns to "What if things change and I'm stuck with a person that makes me miserable?". Hmm, yes, that's so much better than a fear of divorce

[Malaga]

I get cold feet all the time just thinking about it. For me it's not about doubting that he's the right person for me or that we might grow apart in the future. It's about not being sure I have what it takes yet. If it were just about love, it would be a breeze. But I know I need to get my life ready before we can do this properly. Yet I'm not sure if I'm going the right way about it.

[dragonlady]

hihi i don't think that she means that, more that some people are not willing to make the effort any more
in the "old days" you just worked true the knots life gave you and today more people say "it is to hard i want to divorce you" and stuff
if you know what i mean..

[Kiyama]

Ups I completely forgot about my own thread
Thanks for your input. Makes me feel a lot better. At the end of the day there are no guarantees and sometimes you have to take the risk.

If divorce isn't an option then the fear turns to "What if things change and I'm stuck with a person that makes me miserable?". Hmm, yes, that's so much better than a fear of divorce

I think that's my SO's fear even though I have managed to comfort him that I _would_ get a divorce if there was no other way. What's comforting me now?

[MattDavies86]

Divorce is an option, always, but I never want to think of it as an option, more of a last resort to be honest, try everything to make it work, give it time, have a holiday, talk about it, move, change your lifestyles, anything before that

[Moon]

There are a lot of couples that get cold feet. Mainly because of the thought of divorce. But I will tell you this, they only fear divorce because they make it an option.

An option I'm damn glad is there.

[digitalfever]

I don't see divorce as a bad thing. I think it's a great option for people when they'be tried their hardest and shit just isn't working out.

I believe that a divorce is very much and should be a present option. I have friends that once they were married their husbands became abusive, serial cheaters or weren't interested in making a marriage work. Love is a strong and beautiful thing but I'm a believe that love isn't enough in a relationship. You need commitment, trust, communication, friendship, loyalty, tenacity, strength and patience just to name a few things to make it.

I'd say cold feet are normal and as a former brides maid I'd say that unless your gut is saying "run!" Your simply coming to terms with a commitment.