Getting married at 19?

[princessmaria]

There's something that has been gnawing on my mind for a few days. The feeling is coupled with anticipation and well, a bit of fear if I must admit. Recently I was talking to my SO and since I'm planning to spend several months with him starting in December, he told me that "If I fly you down here this winter, you should be prepared to marry me".

Now, my SO has actually already proposed to me a year ago. It was more like a "I definitely want to marry you one day" ring and less like a "We're getting married really soon" ring for me. I was completely thrilled, and I love my ring.

It occurred to me earlier that I am still so young! I've heard so many horror stories about marriage ruining relationships and I'm worried that it may happen to us if I do marry him in the winter. I love him to death. He is my absolute best friend. Even if we weren't in a relationship we would still be best friends just because of how much fun and laughter is involved with our interaction. He makes me so happy and he is the only man I've ever imagined myself marrying or having children with. Still, it terrifies me.

He seems so sure about his choice to marry me. I asked him if he was serious and he told me that he was 100% positive and he'd never find another girl that affects him in the ways that I do, so he doesn't even want to bother looking. I believe him when he says that and I guess that's what scares me the most. What if when we marry he changes his mind? What if he begins to feel trapped and changes all of a sudden?

I guess I'm afraid our relationship will change from its carefree, joking, good nature and turn serious all of a sudden and that it would ruin us.

I'm 19 and he is 21. We've known each other going on three years. I want to do it, I really do, but I'm terrified of the consequences.

Are any of you here married, or have gotten married at a young age? Did it change the dynamic of your relationship in anyway? How are things working out for you? Advice, experiences, and opinions are much appreciated.

[Louise_B]

Hi Sweetie,

Personally i think its natural for anyone to get scared when they know something may be happening, even if it could be the one thing they have always wanted. Look at a woman being pregnant, They get terrorfied there not going to be a good mum, Or the fact they have someone else to look after other than themselves. Or even a 30 year old engaged couple who have been together 10 years are about to get married. im pretty sure they get scared too. Its just the way of life.

Im guessing you would be super excited to get married to your SO but at the same time the fear is making you back off from it? People may quote me different but i think its natural. How do i know? Because i had the EXACT same conversation with my manager in work the other night when i was missing my SO.

because my manager is engaged to his boyfriend i asked him if he was worried that 'this is all life has for him now getting married and thats it' and he said No, hes really happy and yeah hes scared but his finace is all that he wants in life nothing else!

And for myself. My SO has hinted numerous of times the last few months how i should prepare for December (he will be viisiting me then) and i often ask him why and he tells me not to worry. However, hes asked me a bunch of questions about where we would get married whats my ring size (personally i think hes going to pop the question over christmas but who knows)And yes i am a little scared. Ill be 22 by then and justin will be 24!!

But hey stay possitive, like you said his the ONLY ONE for you! keep reminding yourself off that

[dizzyupthemeg]

I was 22 when I got married. I was separated at 24 and officially divorced by 25. Marriage is HARD, and it put a lot of pressure on us both. I thought I was emotionally ready for it at 22, but I was so wrong. My ex husband and I definitely had our shit together. We both have good jobs, we both knew where we thought we wanted life to go, we both agreed on everything at that time, but in the end we both changed way too much to make a marriage work. Even though we were stable, it all proved to be too much. The divorce ended up being devastating for us both, and while I don't regret that time in my life, I would change a lot about it.

My advice is if you can wait, wait. You have your whole life ahead of you as a couple and there isn't much of a need to rush into these things. I'm not saying marriage can't work at a young age. There are several people that can prove that theory wrong, but the truth of the matter is at 19 and 21 you both have a lot of changing and growing to do.

[lyonsgirl]

Though I may not be married yet, IMO, people put way too much pressure on marriage. I am by no means saying that marriage is easy. Please, don't think I am. But, IMO, marriage should not change the fundamentals of your relationship. Yes, I realize things will change. But relationships change over time, married or not.

That being said, I think you should wait. As you said, you're 19. Personally, I changed a lot during my college years. I was definitely not the same person that graduated with a college degree as I was when I got my high school diploma. I am extremely glad I did not marry my high school boyfriend. Heck, I'm even glad that the guy I thought I was going to marry in college broke up with me. I'm off track, though.

Like meg said, you'll change, he'll change, it's a (sometimes unfortunate) fact of life. What's the rush to get married in a few months? Why not give it another year (or two)?

[princessmaria]

I was under the impression that we would be waiting a few more years anyway. We could be closing the distance in December and it would make me much more comfortable if we spent at least a year CD before we got married, but then again I'd still only be 20 years old so it's less of how much time we should wait and more of should I get married young at all? What is an appropriate age to get married? I guess there isn't one, really, and everyone is different. Some people do end up with their highschool sweethearts for the rest of their life, some people do not.

It's just very scary because it feels so official and serious. I don't want it to change us. I don't want him to stop being my best friend and suddenly become, dun dun dun!! My husband.

And it scares me mostly because while he does act way older than he is, I know that deep down he's still a guy. He's making this decision but I'm not sure if he fully grasp what it means, although he tells me that he does. Maybe just out of my own insecurities it's hard for me to believe he actually wants to spend the rest of his life with me and that eventually he won't grow tired or bore of me and regret our marriage. I love him, and I'd be ecstatic to know that getting married wouldn't change the dynamic of our relationship and to know that he wouldn't regret it in the future, but unfortunately you can't know these things before you actually tie the knot.

I don't know... there's just so many fears and uncertainties I didn't realize I felt until he mentioned getting married next year. I feel like I'm ruining it by overthinking. I just want to be happy and enjoy it, but I can't help being frightened of what might happen to us.

[Mellow]

Married or not married, anything could happen within a relationship. Yes, marriage might put a lot of pressure on it, but on the other hand, it doesn't have to be this way. Who knows, maybe it'll all be alright and nothing will change about your relationship - besides legal status. I understand that this might be a bit strange and scary too. It is a big step afterall, and indeed a year is quite soon. I don't think you are overthinking it. It is good to give it enough thought, to make sure you want this the full 100%
I think it is very important to be able to talk with your partner about this. How does he feel about it? How serious was he when he mentioned that you should be prepared for marriage? Maybe he didn't mean it as in getting married right away, but like after awhile of living together. If he truly loves you, I am sure that he'd understand your feelings and most importantly, respect them.

[Captivated]

From an "older" person's perspective: I didn't get married until I was 30 and I'm so glad I waited. For me, as others have said as well, I changed A LOT during my 20s. But I also had a chance to know myself and be in a relationship with myself. I grew a lot over those years, had a chance to see the world, to hang out with friends, to live life free and clear as a young person only can. Now I'm not saying once you get married you stop living lol But now it's different. Now we get to start adventures together - we're more financially stable (after years of making careers). So when I see young people contemplating marriage it just makes me sad. Though I know everyone is different and not everyone takes the same paths in life. But if only everyone could appreciate their youth and have fun with friends when they had the chance instead of worrying about marriage.

Maybe being scared is a good thing? You know what you'll ultimately do and I wish you lots of luck!

[lucybelle]

19 is too young. So is 20.

[Louise_B]

19 is too young. So is 20.

so could 25-30 be too young. Its up to the person and how they feel etc.

My exs parents got married at 19. 35 years later they are still very much in love and happy, Its beautiful to see

[LadyDaemon]

Well,I know by the time I'm married I'll be 23. I've seen it work between the young and I've seen it fail. I've seen it work at 30 and 50 and fail at 30 and 50. My parents are in their mid to late 40s and they are getting divorced. I think it depends on the couple honestly and their outlook on it. Marriage takes a lot of work,but that doesn't mean it has to become a chore. I think that's what's wrong with a lot of people these days with their marriages. They do it under the assumption that everything is always going to be sunshine and daises and they're so in love and that's all they need,then they do it and think,"Wtf did I just do?" and then they treat it like a chore. I look at it as I'm marrying this man who I love more then life itself and I go into it with realistic expectations,really the only thing that's changing for the most part is our status and my last name. Outside of that,we're still the same people in the same relationship we've always been in. Sure,we're going to have our issues along the way I'm sure as does any couple,but it's how we deal with it that counts. Being married or not married isn't going to change that in my mind.

[snow]

I think it depends on how much time you have spent with your SO in one visit - have you been with him for a longer time before?
From my experience visiting someone for a couple of days is much different than being with that person for several weeks or even months. A shorter visit allows both of you to just concentrate on yourselves, enjoy each others company and push things that don't need to be done immediately as far away as possible, but once you're together for a longer time there's times where you're busy or he's busy, when you have to get things done in a certain time and have to make sacrifices - it shows you a different side of your SO.

So I think if you haven't already, you totally should live with your SO for an extended period and see how things are going between you two.

Both of us haven't been married so far, so there is nothing I can tell you about this (and by the time we will be married I'll be 25 and he'll be 33 which is quite different to 19 or 20 :P)

[elina]

Does you being so scared of it all not tell you that you're perhaps not ready? Well, who am I to say you're not when I don't even know you, but the way you talk about it sounds like you should give it a year or two. You don't have to get married until YOU are ready, no matter how much he'd want to.

ETA: Personally I couldn't marry someone without living with them first. No matter how well you get along from a distance, it's always different living together and there is a chance it might not work that well. You've got your whole life ahead of you, so why rush

[princessmaria]

Thanks guys. I'm going to spend a lot more time thinking about it and then when I visit my SO, I'm going to sit down and have a talk with him to make sure we're seeing eye to eye. If he is really serious about this, I want to be sure of that before I make such a drastic decision to marry him. I really just don't want this to be an impulsive, we're so in love decision and more of a rational, realistic decision. We have spent a lot of time together IRL, so I know how we work in person. We have our disagreements like any couple and handle situations pretty maturely, I feel. We both have also changed a lot in the years of us knowing each other, but the changes have been cohesive. We've grown together, in other words, and I think that's a big deal. Things like that and our strong friendship make me less worried about our future, but I've just heard so many horror stories about marriages going wrong that it scares me. I'm going to try to keep an open mind and make the mature decision.

[digitalfever]

I think the right time to get married has a lot to do with what you want for your life and if marriage is your “end goal.” I have friends that got married at 18 and 19 and have been together ever since and I also have friends that got divorced. Many of them are very family-oriented and want a family and put marriage and building a family before education, career and money. It’s what they’ve chosen to do. I also have friends that probably won’t get married until they are in their late 20’s because they’ve delayed the process due to education, career and money.

It all has to do with what you want in your life and how you choose to live it. I just think you have to consider the sacrifices that come with marriage and the ones that come with delaying marriage and decide if what you want now is what you'll want 5, 10, or even 15 years down the road.

[princessmaria]

I think the right time to get married has a lot to do with what you want for your life and if marriage is your “end goal.” I have friends that got married at 18 and 19 and have been together ever since and I also have friends that got divorced. Many of them are very family-oriented and want a family and put marriage and building a family before education, career and money. It’s what they’ve chosen to do. I also have friends that probably won’t get married until they are in their late 20’s because they’ve delayed the process due to education, career and money.

It all has to do with what you want in your life and how you choose to live it. I just think you have to consider the sacrifices that come with marriage and the ones that come with delaying marriage and decide if what you want now is what you'll want 5, 10, or even 15 years down the road.

That's a really good point. I've always wanted to get married and start a family. I wouldn't say I put it above having a career first, but it's definitely something my heart strongly desires..