Getting married young

[vicky1234]

I have a plan and i just want some opinions on whether or not it sounds well thought out. I've been dating my boyfriend for almost 2 years now. 7 months ago he left for the Navy and we've been in a LDR since then. I don't think i need to go into how hard it can be considering everyone on this site already knows. Anyway, we came up with a plan that next year when i turn 18 we'd go to a courthouse and get married and then later on when we're both much older and financially ready and he's out of the Navy we'll have a real wedding. Anyway i think it's a good idea to go through with this because then we can be together finally. I'm not worried about living with him because before he left for the Navy we've had sleepovers and spent every single day together and even now we Skype all day and night whenever we get the chance so we know each others daily routines. I've wanted to go away to college but i know my parents cant afford for me to dorm so if we're married we can get financial support from the Navy to live together and i can go to a college where ever he's stationed. I read that one post about getting married at 19 and everyone said that you can change a lot after that and you're still figuring out who you are which is definitely true and i understand that. I believe that no matter how much i change though, my feelings for him wont. And i don't have to worry about being too dependent on him and then one day, god forbid, if something happens to him or we get divorced i wont know what to do with myself because he'll be going on a ship for 6-9 months at a time while we're married which will give me plenty of time to learn what to do with myself when he's not around. We almost never fight and when we do it's just silly little fights and then we both apologize for it right after. We respect each other, we don't curse at each other or say hurtful things and we've talked dozens of times about what we want to do with our futures and about all different types of situations that could happen with kids or if a relative got sick and we're on the same page with everything. Anyway i've had this idea for a while and i've gotten mixed opinions from different people. The main one that has stuck with me is my grandpas which was to consider what my mind was thinking along with how my heart is feeling and both are telling me this is a good idea so any opinions would be much appreciated just so that i could get some more perspective, thanks!


p.s. If we did get married it wouldn't be for a year and nothing is set in stone so if a year from now we seem unhappier or things are just different in a not-so-good kind of way then we obviously wont go through with getting married and we both agreed with this. We'd only do it if we felt exactly the same as we do now or better.

[lucybelle]

18 is too young to get married.

[Mellow]

I also think it might be a bit too young... You are about the same age as I am and I've noticed that a lot of people change lots within this period of time. Discovering yourself once more, you might get other interest.
If things are going fine like this for you guys, doesn't seem that weird to wait a little longer, just to be safe?
What would be the exact difference for you... Married and unmarried?

On the other hand.... You'd be allowed to marry if you reach that age... so why not make use of it?

I hope you give it a lot of thought, to make sure this is what you guys truly want and that this is the best for your relationship. Write down the pro's and con's - be honest to yourself.

Goodluck!

[Jess!]

I believe you're too young but well, I am too. The thing is.. before actually getting maried 2 people have to discuss what does it mean for them to be married and really consider it. What does it means as an individual and as a couple.
When I was 17/18 my idea of the person I wanted to be, and my goals in life, were the total oposite of what they are now. At 17 I don't even know if I could have falled for my SO.

Do you feel mature enough to take this step?
Do you realize that mariage should be taken seriously and it's a "forever" commitment?
How do you see your life in 5 years? how do you see your relationship in 5 years?

I really believe that when we are LDR the urge to be together can hide other things that we discover naturally about the other person and the relationship when we are CD. You literally cannot know now if you guys will last forever. No one can! We truly believe that but things change sometimes, so be prepared for the best case and the worst case scenario...

I don't want to be negative, but I do feel that 3/4 years ago I was a totally different person and while I thought I was an adult and a mature young woman, I now see I was not that mature...

[aniay]

I believe that no matter how much i change though, my feelings for him wont.

Then why do you need to get married right now?

I got married being 19. I felt so adult, so clever... and so wise. Right now when being 30 I learn that taking drastic steps needs time.

Valuable things are worth waiting for. If you don't get married and he is THE ONE you will grow up (because you have a bit of growing up to do) to know he is faithfull, patient and loves you enough that he waited with the decision till you two really grown up.

Even though I could have moved to England already, go with the impulse... I am waiting for when I finish school to be with my SO, I know he is worth waiting for and we are still learning each other and I will not rush into marrying him the next day I'll get here even though I want to be his wife VERY MUCH.

Can't you be with him without wedding? What will getting married change? What if one of you changes mind?

[Moon]

You're 16, in two years you'll feel very differently about a lot of things, and you'll have matured a bit more. Two years is a long time in the life of a teenager, stop worrying about getting married and just enjoy the relationship you have now.

18 is definitely too young.

[Malaga]

So your only chance of going to college is if you get married?

I agree 18 is too young. Well, everything has already been said in the other thread. You've tried to convince us your plan is sound, but maybe you were also trying to convince yourself. Why else would you need our validation?
Anyway, it's good you're not planning to do it for another year, it gives you time to think about it all. Things change quickly for you at this time of your life, so who knows who you'll be in a year's time.

In the end, whatever you decide to do, I wish you good luck xx

[vicky1234]

Well i'm turning 17 in less than a month so it's really just 1 year away. Thanks so much for the comments though, i just like to get other peoples perspectives because there are a lot of different ways to look at this. My mom married my dad when she was pretty young and it ended badly but also my aunt uncle got married at 17 when he was in the navy and their the most functional relationship i've seen in my family. The point is, you can get married at 17 or 32 and either way it could turn out the best decision you've ever made or the worst. It really just depends on the people and their goals in life separately and also together. But yea i'm not necessarily thinking about doing this because i need to marry him as soon as possible but only because it'll make things easier between us. I don't view marriage as anything different than what we are now besides the fact that i'll have his last name and we'll be living together. But i really do appreciate everyone commenting it gave me more to consider. And as for the mature thing, i spoke to my mom about getting married next year and she said that i've always seemed to make good decisions and she trusts that i know what i'm doing for myself. Like i and many of you have said though, i have a year and who knows maybe in my senior year of high school i'll change a lot and not want to go through with getting married at all or maybe i'll feel exactly the same. Only time will tell. Thank you everyone!

[lucybelle]

You think marriage will make things easier?? It doesn't necessarily make things harder but it certainly doesn't get easier.

I will never be okay with young marriages, I think they are a mistake. But the thing I don't understand is why young people ask others about it? There's a young couple here that just got married and they never asked our opinion. I feel like if you need validation from strangers then something is wrong. When I got married I didn't ask anyone if I was too young or it was too soon or anything. I just did it because it was right for us. The moment you have to ask other people is the moment it's a bad idea.

And you mention living together as if that's as easy as 1, 2, 3. Boy are you wrong.

[digitalfever]

To me, the maturity to make such a decision comes with age but can be enhanced by experience. Some 17 year olds have been through more and have seen more than any 30-something woman that has been sheltered and molly coddled. That said, to make a mature decision about anything you need to think things through, consider ALL your options (even the ones that don’t seem obvious,) and ask honest questions of yourself and your partner. Listen to yourself, take the information that you need and make the decision based on what’s best for you.

[LadyDaemon]

but also my aunt uncle got married at 17 when he was in the navy and their the most functional relationship i've seen in my family.

It looks functional from the outside. I doubt you know every little detail about their marriage and about some of the struggles they may have been through getting married that young and maintaining it (not saying they have for certain had struggle,just saying it's possible). There are people who are married and have been married for years that look like their relationship is great and functional from the outside,but if you were a fly on the wall and actually saw what might be really going on,that may not be the case.

The point is, you can get married at 17 or 32 and either way it could turn out the best decision you've ever made or the worst. It really just depends on the people and their goals in life separately and also together.

While this may be true to an extent,it's not just about these things alone and these are not the only things to consider. There's a whole lot more to it.

But yea i'm not necessarily thinking about doing this because i need to marry him as soon as possible but only because it'll make things easier between us.

Marriage doesn't make anything easier. As Lucybelle said,it's doesn't make it harder but it also definitely doesn't make it easier. All this means is you share a last name and you share almost EVERYTHING jointly.

I've wanted to go away to college but i know my parents cant afford for me to dorm so if we're married we can get financial support from the Navy to live together and i can go to a college where ever he's stationed.

I'm sorry and not trying to be rude but this is NOT EVER a reason to get married. This makes it look like you're doing it mostly for his military benefits and that in my opinion is wrong. If you can't afford college there are options out there like grants,loans,scholarships,and setting up a college savings fund for yourself. My parents are below poverty level and I still went to college. I even had to commute back and forth until I could afford to move into a dorm. So do that if you have to. I also did work study to earn a little money to put in my pocket. Also,you don't need to use this as a means of supporting yourself. You need to be financially independent yourself apart from him so you have your own money AND so in case something happens you have a means of supporting yourself.

But the thing I don't understand is why young people ask others about it? There's a young couple here that just got married and they never asked our opinion. I feel like if you need validation from strangers then something is wrong. When I got married I didn't ask anyone if I was too young or it was too soon or anything. I just did it because it was right for us. The moment you have to ask other people is the moment it's a bad idea.

Oh and THIS and...

And you mention living together as if that's as easy as 1, 2, 3. Boy are you wrong.

THIS.

[Tooki]

Why do you NEED to get married?

[Dziubka]

I've thought for a long time whether I should answer to this thread and whether it wouldn't make me a bit of a hypocrite.

Here's why: My boyfriend and I are getting married in October. We were planning to get married in about two years, after he finishes his master's degree. The reason we're getting married now, is so that he can be eligable for financial assistance in my country.
We're planning on having a religious ceremony and big wedding party after we finish our degrees.
Essentially a very similar situation to yours.

And I don't want to sound like a hypocrite and say that I think getting married young for financial reasons is a bad idea, when we're doing the same thing.
However... we've both been 18 a few years ago (more than we like to admit )

I'm still going say that I think getting married at barely 18 is a bad idea.
I was in a really happy relationship when I was 18. We actually fought less than I do with my current boyfriend. We had a lot of similar views and we were very compatible. I was sure there was no reason we'd ever break up. And we wouldn't have, if I hadn't grown up and changed. What I'm trying to say is, no matter how perfect your relationship is now, you're going to change quite a lot in the next few years.

Apart from the growing up-thing, I think you should have lived together before getting married, at least for some time. Having sleepovers, or even long-ish visits or skyping is not the same as actually living together. We had several 4-5weeks visits and countless (long-)weekend visits before we moved in together and we were still surprised about some things, when we finally moved in together. Not all of them were bad and we didn't break up over any of them (obviously), but some were definitely not easy.
If there's no way around it because of visas or whatever, then that's how it is, but it's not ideal imho.

What I would suggest is:
Try to get a loan for a semester or two, live together during that time and see how it works out. Then, if you still want to go through with it and it would help you financially, go for it.

[Dwessie]

To me, the maturity to make such a decision comes with age but can be enhanced by experience. Some 17 year olds have been through more and have seen more than any 30-something woman that has been sheltered and molly coddled. That said, to make a mature decision about anything you need to think things through, consider ALL your options (even the ones that don’t seem obvious,) and ask honest questions of yourself and your partner. Listen to yourself, take the information that you need and make the decision based on what’s best for you.

This. I've seen some young marriages go AWESOMELY because of this.