When you find out engagement wasn't on his mind at all.

[miss_jaclynrae]

Soooooo, I hate to be miss negative as I try to stay positive, but I got my hopes up too much.


I recently found out due to some expensive dental work needed, a trip in the summer of 2014 won't be possible, and I was really heartbroken about it.
The mister was pretty pushy about it not being a big deal since he will be coming home then anyways, and was completely in the dark and thinking I was crazy for being so upset about not being able to go.
Well, the main reason I was so hurt was because I got it in my head that joining him in Paris in the summer would have been perfect timing and place to be proposed to.
I know I know, getting way too ahead of myself.
The fact is though, that we would have been together for over a year and a half, and I will have just turned 24... It just seemed like a good time since I know we are crazy about each other.

So, due to him being confused, and me being upset, I told him why I was upset. I was short and blunt. Here is exactly how the conversation went.
Me: "The main reason my heart was so set on summer was because *my best friend and my aunt brought up the possibility of an engagement. I don't want to talk about it because I told them I doubted it but of course it planted a little seed. So stop talking about summer, I get it ok. Seriously, I didn't want to tell you that was why I was butthurt because I was embarrassed that I even thought it was a possibility. So can you drop it now? I'm seriously OK with not going during the summer. I'm bummed about another 5 months apart... but ill get over it."
Him: "Ok I'm sorry I didn't know you had that in your head... I won't bring it up again."

Ugh. so that was that.
I am ok, but I am seriously a little hurt that it wasn't on his mind at all... I am still truly upset, but I know I shouldn't be since he honestly had no idea I had been thinking of an engagement. IDK, I just don't know how to just move on from this. Does this mean we should talk about it? Should I just let it go? Am I being a completely crazy lady for being hurt by this?

[Zephii]

It doesn't mean engagement isn't on his mind at all, and on the bright side at least now he realizes you're thinking about it and are keen. That's a positive thing. Don't let it bother you so much. You have your whole lives to get married in, there's no rush to be engaged.

[MadMolly]

You should talk to him about his timeframes of when he expects to be engaged etc. The exact moment of a proposal should be a surprise but the general timeframe is best to plan I think!

[Zapookie]

Yeah I think you two need to talk about engagement and your future, considering you are an international couple, marriage may be one of your options for closing the distance. Don't feel hurt. When my SO and I were at our 1.5 year mark, we had just closed the distance and were no where near ready. Almost at 3 years now, and we are still planning our engagement. It's not something to be hurt over, trust me. He will do it in due time if you leave him on his own, but if you talk about it, you may be able to come to an agreement.

Of course, like previously mentioned, you don't want to know all the details, but a general time frame of when it will happen would be something you guys should talk about.

[lyonsgirl]

Have you two talked about the idea of getting married at all? Not necessarily to each other, yet, but, at all. Like, "do I want to be married? Does he want to be married?" Start there, then move to very generic, "you could possibly see this relationship moving beyond just dating" type conversation.

Honestly, when you set yourself a "timeline" like that and don't tell anyone else, it's asking for trouble. I say this from experience. In high school I said to myself, "I will graduate high school at 18. I'll get engaged during my senior year of college at at either 21 or 22, and then we'd get married a year later. That way we could each be "established" in our careers and starting to figure ourselves out."

None of that happened, except for graduating high school at 18. When I graduated college, I actually remembered what I had "promised" myself and thought two things: 1) why didn't life ever work out the way I wanted it to? And 2) I was NOT ready to be married. (And according to my "plan", I would have been married at the age when I did graduate college.)

My point here is that you two should talk about this. Not just yet, since it sounds like you are still rather upset about it. (And reasonably so) but in a month or so, mention it again. Stay calm and reasonable, otherwise the talk won't go very well. (Been there, done that...)

And, most importantly, enjoy being together. There's no rush to be married. There really isn't.

[miss_jaclynrae]

Just a little bit of information.
We are only temporary LD due to him studying abroad for the year. We had already lived together for 9 months when he left.
As for talking about marriage? YES. Haha, we have talked about it all. Kids, where we want to settle down, what we want our lifestyle to be like, heck we are already discussing buying a home possibly when he gets back.
He knows how I feel about it all, and we really have discussed it, not just cutesy, but sit down and lay out what we want out of life. We are going to get married, that I don't doubt, heck, we already know where we want to get married, he even knows what type of ring I want. We always talk about the future, we are pretty excited about it.
I honestly am in no rush to get married (again), it was more of the idea that we could have this awesome proposal story where we are in one of the most romantic places in the world and he popped the question.

I just built up a fairy tale in my head. Only this fairy tale was actually quite realistic. I hate being all emotional. A huge part of me is mostly hurt because he has always been a romantic sort of guy, and I figured that idea had gone through his head already. He is stressed out being over there though, so I could see it not... I just WISH it had been, and my feelers are sorta hurt that it wasn't.

It really wasn't about time frame as it was about timing. I just sort of figured that at over a year and a half together, it wouldn't be so extreme to get engaged then, as it would with me going this winter, when we have just passed our 1 year mark.

[SJ22]

I was suddenly wondering, have you thought about how this moment was for him?
I can imagine it was a little awkward for him as well, I can understand his response.

[kittyo9]

My SO and I hadn't even met by the time we'd been together for 1.5 years, haha. I would consider 1.5 years fairly early in a long-term relationship, although everyone is different.

I still think it's important to have an open conversation about what you had in mind. As mentioned, it doesn't mean your SO doesn't have engagement on the mind... he might just have felt that it wasn't the right time. Or, maybe your SO doesn't feel like he's ready to get engaged, and that's something you guys need to discuss.

[miss_jaclynrae]

I was suddenly wondering, have you thought about how this moment was for him?
I can imagine it was a little awkward for him as well, I can understand his response.

OMG totally! Haha I was so embarassed and awkward! I am not MAD. I could never be mad at him for something like this. My heart just sank a little. lol

My SO and I hadn't even met by the time we'd been together for 1.5 years, haha. I would consider 1.5 years fairly early in a long-term relationship, although everyone is different.

I still think it's important to have an open conversation about what you had in mind. As mentioned, it doesn't mean your SO doesn't have engagement on the mind... he might just have felt that it wasn't the right time. Or, maybe your SO doesn't feel like he's ready to get engaged, and that's something you guys need to discuss.

The thing is, I don't want to talk about it. I know we will get married, I know it won't be a long wait, as we have talked in terms of being married when he graduates, which is only 2 years or so away.
It really isn't that big of a deal, I have come to the decision to just let it lie. I am just going to have to get over it. I want him to propose when HE wants to. I want him to do it because he wants nothing more than to be married to me, not because I sort of pressured him into a time frame.

Thanks though ladies.

[lyonsgirl]

So, I totally understand you imagining how he'll propose. I did that when we were at that phase.

But, your imaginings, quite reasonable as they are, will not be as good as the actual proposal. I had all these ideas in my head of how he could ask me. When he final did, it was more perfect than I could have pictured. (Especially because he was asking me to marry him!) anyway, my point is, go ahead and imagine proposals. Just, don't let yourself build it up so much that when it does happen, you're still just as bubbly and thrilled about it as though you hadn't come up with 58 other ideas for him. (I had about that many, lol).

When he proposes, it will be perfect, no matter where he does it. And, your story will be just as romantic if he proposes in Paris or at a gas station in the rain in the middle of nowhere. I promise.

[differentcountries]

It really wasn't about time frame as it was about timing. I just sort of figured that at over a year and a half together, it wouldn't be so extreme to get engaged then, as it would with me going this winter, when we have just passed our 1 year mark.

I don't really think that getting engaged at any time is "extreme". My parents got engaged soon after getting together (the 2nd time) and got married half a year after that. They both wanted children and to start their life together. I think what you need to consider is; He is away from the life you had together, doing new stuff all the time, working and perhaps looking forward for you to come visit (and bring something easy into his life). You are in your old life together, thinking a little bit like he is on an extended holiday and then Paris becomes the capital of lovers. I am not saying it is silly to think about it, just that in his mind frame, the sidewalks where he lives and works, alone, without you, probably does not give him romantic vibes... I would think that if he were to propose, he would rather do it somewhere the two of you had lived/gone/never been before. Also, since the two of you are so openly discussing marriage on a very detailed level, it might not occur to him that he is meant to come up with this surprise proposal to you. To me, it seems that you are using engagement a bit to cover up your own loneliness and frustration over him being away... Consider the fact that he might be doing the exact opposite; taking his mind off what he knows he can't have at the time, namely you as his wife. Take your focus off time. Try to think like him, become his mind. And try to be more open about the way you are thinking (not so many hints), so that it will become easier for him to "read" your mind and perhaps delightfully surprise you like you dream of.

[Malaga]

I don't know the details of your relationship (ie, if you have a date for closing the distance yet and what happens after that - in terms of jobs, living arrangements etc), but from my experience people are often reluctant to propose until they have their shit together. I mean, until they're settled with a steady job and a permanent place to live. If he's still unsure about how life is going to look like once he gets moves back, it might be the reason why it hadn't even crossed his mind yet.

You seem highly strung on getting engaged, but that way you're setting yourself for disappointment. And the way you're irritated with him for not reading your mind could easily cause unnecessary tension between you two. He hadn't done anything wrong at all. I understand it's easy to get influenced when other people chime in with their opinion (I get hints and questions every day about getting engaged) but only you two can decide when is the right time, not your aunt or best friend. You can't take their lead over your SO's. I think you'd find it much easier to handle this wait if you tried to work with him on when is the right time to get engaged instead of expecting him to surprise you (yet ironically, at the exact time and place you set in your mind).

[miss_jaclynrae]

I don't know the details of your relationship (ie, if you have a date for closing the distance yet and what happens after that - in terms of jobs, living arrangements etc), but from my experience people are often reluctant to propose until they have their shit together. I mean, until they're settled with a steady job and a permanent place to live. If he's still unsure about how life is going to look like once he gets moves back, it might be the reason why it hadn't even crossed his mind yet.

You seem highly strung on getting engaged, but that way you're setting yourself for disappointment. And the way you're irritated with him for not reading your mind could easily cause unnecessary tension between you two. He hadn't done anything wrong at all. I understand it's easy to get influenced when other people chime in with their opinion (I get hints and questions every day about getting engaged) but only you two can decide when is the right time, not your aunt or best friend. You can't take their lead over your SO's. I think you'd find it much easier to handle this wait if you tried to work with him on when is the right time to get engaged instead of expecting him to surprise you (yet ironically, at the exact time and place you set in your mind).

Maybe you should have read a bit more.

[Lucky]

I understand how you feel, when you are so in love, even more so when it's a thought that doesn't sound like a complete fantasy... being that you have lived together for 9 months already and had the talk already.... it made perfect sense. On the bright side, maybe he did think about it and didn't want to depress you any more by saying, "yes, that was the plan but I guess now it's not!" you still have 2 years after all, I am sure he will find another opportunity and it will be wonderful.

It reminds me of us when we were talking about marriage and had already made up our minds about each other, there was the chance to meet in January for a few days in Italy... it's only my number #1 dream destination that I would never go to single because I consider it that romantic, perfect right? we would then spend a few months apart again and then he would move to my hometown so we can be together. But then he realized it was not worth it to delay quitting his job, so if we didn't go to Italy and I waited a bit longer, I could have him for good and start our life together.

So I guess you could say we ended up being practical and getting engaged online, we even chose the ring together. A week or so after he got here in february, he took me out to dinner and I was so hungry I wasn't expecting it at all, desert time came and then I saw it in his eyes... and I freaked out, in fact I don't think I made out much of what he said, I just focused on breathing, I think he said something about spending our lives together and he loved me, there was probably a question, I might have nodded lol

Not the most impressive engagement story compared to spending a few days in Rome but hey, I got my guy