Big wedding Vs. Intimate wedding ????

[BraveTangledPrincess]

My SO and I have been discussing marriage. We are LDS (mormon) and have decided that we will get sealed (the actual ceremony) in HIS state, and will have a ring ceremony & reception in my state. Seeing as though we don't make a whole lot of money, and we will most likely have to pay for it all. Part of me wants a big wedding, with lots of DIY and such, but part of me just wants to have the sealing, then a private dinner there, and a private dinner here. I plan on bringing my mom with me up there for the sealing, so that's 2 2-way tickets for that.

Part of my feelings behind it all is that, I understand that money is nothing to play with and it doesn't come easily. I have sacrificed a lot in my life because I couldn't afford it or I had more important things to spend my money on. I want a "big" celebration because it's not something that happens often, and that I feel I have sacrificed and been jipped out of a lot of things in my life. On the other hand, planning everything, setting a budget on a small paycheck, dealing with everything, sometimes I wonder if it's worth it. I will already get to spend the rest of my life with the person I love. And it's be better to put the money into things like, our place, a honeymoon, and what not.

*EDIT* I DO have ways go get alot of things for cheap/free from people I know. I know:
-Several photographers
-An aspiring videographer
-Several seamstresses
-An aspiring event planner
-Friends who love to bake
-A hair stylist
And so much more...

What do you think? Have any of you been in this spot? What did you do and how did you decide?

Thanks

[lucybelle]

Our wedding was small, 13 people including us. It was great and I loved it. Then a year later my SO and I had a party in his country with about 35 people. Which was also a lot of fun. I guess everyone's definition of "small" vs "big" is different, but I considered our 35 person party "big". I'm glad we did both.

[Malaga]

I think how people feel about weddings is how I feel about honeymoon. Ideally I want to go on a once-in-a-lifetime trip. Like a cruise to see the polar lights! Wow. I would not regret spending money on that.
But a wedding party, forget it. It's cool if that's what rocks your boat, do what makes you happy. Money is only money at the end of the day, you earn it, spend it, earn it again, spend it again.

[nicole]

We had 50 people at ours, which was the right size for me, and we paid for most of our wedding. We did some DIYS but definitely splurged in some areas. The most expensive part is feeding everybody and if you're supplying alcohol.

There are tonnes and tonnes of ways to have a bigger wedding and keep it cheap. A day wedding with a cake and punch reception cuts out an expensive evening event. A potluck reception in the park or some friends of mine did a BBQ Garden Party after theirs which was a lot of fun.

Pinterest has lots of ideas and examples of weddings at different price points- it can definitely be done if you want it!

[differentcountries]

Make sure everybody you know able and willing to do stuff for free. At least offer to pay them.

I see how you want a big wedding to be like the band aid for things you never had. Thing is, it can work like that ; it you are at least 30. Most younger folks have cheep weddings or their parents pay.

Me and my husband made most of the food for our wedding reception. We rented a place and payed for cake, my flowers and our rings, plus we stayed in a hotel for our wedding night. We brought our own music, decorated affordably and I bought a 2nd hand dress, and did my own makeup and hair. We had the actual wedding with 7 wetness first (dinner at a restaurant) and then the reception in another city. The rings were single most expensive thing. We had around 35 people at the reception. When my parents married they had a small wedding with just close family.

[piratemama]

There are many different opinions on this, all depending on the people involved. You have to factor in family, too. My first wedding was a huge affair, and it ended in divorce. Everyone argued and problem after problem came up concerning the wedding. I was stressed the whole time and never enjoyed it. I found myself doing things for other people, not myself. If I had it to do over, I'd have handled it all completely differently. When my SO and I marry, I would like to run off and get married just the two of us, except for the minister and witnesses. It would be nice to have a big party later, though.

From all I've heard from other couples, however, most women want a big wedding at least once. Women tend to regret it, when they have never experienced that.

Go with what your heart desires. If you really want it, you can work out the money and details. Don't do anything (or not do anything) that you would always regret.

[lyonsgirl]

Whatever you do: get written and signed contracts from EVERYONE. If your friend decides at the last minute they don't want to bake/take pictures/whatever, or, heaven forbid, something happens to your friend/your friend's family, you will be SOL.

Sometimes friends/family are cool with helping out. But sometimes they're not. Do NOT pressure them into doing things for you for free, it will only put a strain on your relationship.


ETA: piratemama, I'm sorry your first marriage ended in divorce. I just can't believe, though, that your wedding day was the cause for your divorce. I've tried to keep my mouth shut about this but this is probably the third or fourth time you have said it. Maybe it's just me, but that's how I interpreted your posts (that the wedding day caused the divorce). Not all "big weddings" result in the marriage ending.

[snow]

As much as I would like to have a bigger wedding, it will be a "small" wedding with the usual 25 people with whom we hang out in America every time I am around. My family will not be able to come and that's really fine. We plan on having a bigger party and invite all our common online friends / my family to for our anniversary.
We also plan on having our honeymoon in Europe to meet my family and european online friends - one of these friends offered to pay for a hotel and treat us to some stuff when we visit Scotland, so YAY!

I agree with lyonsgirl about the signed contract - people might say they will help out and then suddenly "forget" and you are missing out on something important you have been counting on. I've seen it happen on the wedding day of a friend and on my big sister's wedding day.

[Moon]

Every girl wants a big wedding, but the problem comes when you marry young, and have to pay for it yourself. I've been married twice, the first was the typical 125 person, bigger wedding, with all the trimmings. It was pretty nice. My second one was immediate family, probably about 15 people, on the beach with a small reception afterward. It was pretty nice, too.

The point is both are good, both have their advantages and disadvantages. The big one is incredibly stressful, the smaller one is much less stress, but you miss out on inviting everyone you want there. The thing is though, don't let a big wedding ruin you financially, you will need that money, more than you know. It might not be what you dreamed of, but that isn't important, the marriage is.

You can compromise though, and have something in between. I assume that being Mormon, it'll be alcohol free, which is a huge savings. Have it on a Friday, it's cheaper to book a venue by a lot. You could do lunch, which is much less than dinner, or you could have an appetizer affair. You have plenty of options to cut costs, you could even have a big barbeque in a park. Try to look outside of the wedding you've dreamed of and find something a little different, that won't leave you broke, and at a Motel6 for your honeymoon Good luck.

[TaraMarie]

I had the big first wedding too.m expensive dress, expensive reception, 100 people.....and then the after party after the reception! Next time around I may elope. Easier....cheaper.....it's all about us anyway! I don't regret the first. I want my daughters to have that experience as well....

[piratemama]

Whatever you do: get written and signed contracts from EVERYONE. If your friend decides at the last minute they don't want to bake/take pictures/whatever, or, heaven forbid, something happens to your friend/your friend's family, you will be SOL.

Sometimes friends/family are cool with helping out. But sometimes they're not. Do NOT pressure them into doing things for you for free, it will only put a strain on your relationship.


ETA: piratemama, I'm sorry your first marriage ended in divorce. I just can't believe, though, that your wedding day was the cause for your divorce. I've tried to keep my mouth shut about this but this is probably the third or fourth time you have said it. Maybe it's just me, but that's how I interpreted your posts (that the wedding day caused the divorce). Not all "big weddings" result in the marriage ending.

No, no, I don't mean my wedding day was the cause of my divorce. I meant that it was a shame to waste all that money and effort on something that failed in the end. I guess this is another example of how hard it is to accurately express your thoughts in the written word. I know my wedding had nothing to do with the divorce. I just hate that I went to all the pain and effort to give in to family and friends to make a wedding that would please all of them. I agree that all big weddings don't end in divorce. I just felt it was all wasted. Now, the memories of all that don't do any good. I would rather a person do whatever makes her happy for her wedding, so she wouldn't have any regrets.

I would have thought by now that you would know me better than that kind of ignorant thought, Lyonsgirl. As anyone else would know, I know divorce is caused by an accumulation of heartache. In my cause, a terrible, rare, and misunderstood disease was the final straw that broke the camel's back. All that went with it, including his family, added to the much hurt and mistrust over the years. The divorce would have most certainly happened no matter what kind of wedding we had.

[Heavenly_Love12]

I'm in this spot right now. My SO and I just got engaged and are huge believers that one should not break the bank to have a wedding and reception. I'd rather have the money to make a down payment on a house sooner than spending it on something that lasts a day; the marriage is what is important and lasts a lifetime. That being said, we want to have a wedding ceremony and reception but will be doing so on a much smaller budget than the average American wedding. I read that the average cost of a wedding and reception in the U.S. is more than 20K! That's ridiculous and even if I had that money, I wouldn't spend it on a wedding/reception.

We both have a good amount of family but I know that many of mine will either be unable to attend or choose not to for one reason or another. I would love to only invite 70-75 people so we could have 50 or so attend but with family, long time family friends, actual friends, and if he wants to invite any co-workers, we can go well over that number. I don't know if we will be paying for everything ourselves but even if our families pitch in, I have a set budget in mind (PM me if you'd like me to go into further discussion).

Ways we are planning to save money:
-getting married at the chapel on a military base (we won't have to pay an officiant fee or to use the chapel)
-having the reception on base or at a local park
-getting married on a non-Saturday
-not having a formal dinner (we're thinking about having wine, beer, and heavy appetizers)
-making our own invitations and asking people to RSVP via phone or to an email account specifically for that purpose
-DIYing decorations via the Dollar Tree, Hobby Lobby, etc.
-having a small cake to cut and sheet cake in the back to serve
-forgoing a lot of the "extras" (favors, special cake cutting utensils, lots of flowers, etc.)

One of my cousins is a caterer and I have a few friends who are photographers. I think a nice wedding can be done for less, you just have to be creative, willing to bend, and do your research.

[lyonsgirl]

I would have thought by now that you would know me better than that kind of ignorant thought, Lyonsgirl. As anyone else would know, I know divorce is caused by an accumulation of heartache. In my cause, a terrible, rare, and misunderstood disease was the final straw that broke the camel's back. All that went with it, including his family, added to the much heart and mistrust over the years. The divorce would have most certainly happened no matter what kind of wedding we had.

I'm not sure why you think I know you that well. We have barely interacted. Not trying to be rude about it, just clarifying that point. I suppose I can't say why divorce happens, and again, I'm sorry you had to go through that. This is not the place to argue about why some marriages end, though.

[CynicalQuixotic]

I'm not sure why you think I know you that well. We have barely interacted. Not trying to be rude about it, just clarifying that point. I suppose I can't say why divorce happens, and again, I'm sorry you had to go through that. This is not the place to argue about why some marriages end, though.

Honestly, I think it was pretty clear even from piratemama's first post that she doesn't think that big weddings *cause* divorce. I think she was just sharing her own experience, which is pretty much the only thing anyone (at least, anyone who has ever been married) could do on this thread.

[ErinKristine]

Is there a guideline as to how much time is between the sealing and the ring ceremony? Could the two of you have the sealing with family and friends then have the nice dinner you would like then have a ring ceremony 6 months to a year after that? That way you two could save some money for the ring ceremony, tickets, etc in that time rather than paying expenses for the sealing and ring ceremony all at once.

My husband and I just had a civil ceremony with only two witnesses then we went to a nice lunch. In October we're having a formal ceremony and reception to include family and friends. If it is something you really want to do then go for it, things can be done within a reasonable budget. There are people I know who did not do anything big and wish they had. All I wanted was something small, which is what I got, however, my husband wants the large formal ceremony so I am doing that too so he gets what he wants.

So far we are under budget, a coworker gave me her old wedding dress and am I only making some alterations to it. The photographer and caterer are family friends and are giving us reasonable prices. Our families are making the decorations. The ceremony and reception are going to be in our church. My understanding is that is an not an option for LDS couples because a ring ceremony can not be on temple grounds, however if you are allowed to have the ring ceremony at the reception room of another church, many churches charge very little for renting the space for a few hours especially if you know someone who is a member of that church. Community centers also tend to charge less than "wedding facilities."

All in all, if the big celebration is something you want and are excited for then go for it. It sounds like you will be able to get some good deals and get everything within reasonable prices.