How long should you wait before you propose to someone?

[TheSteelAngel]

I don't know if there's already a thread like this but I want everyone's opinion on this. See I have this friend who's boyfriend proposed to her after knowing her for 5 months, which I think is crazy. If or when my boyfriend proposes to me I want us to be dating for at least a year first. That's my bare minimum amount of time while my maximum is 5 years. What does everyone else think? How much time do you think should pass before you propose to or get proposed by someone?

[Redheart14]

Depends on the age of the couple I think and if they've been long distance for a while too. If your friend is your age I'd say yes that's probably a bit too early, but each to their own I guess. I'd say 1-2 years dating would be ok. I'd want to live with my SO first to see if we could live together first, but most LD couples don't get that luxury.

[Hollandia]

I am going to be cynical and say 2 years. I married my first husband way too young and way too soon. It was around 9 months. He seemed like Prince Charming but turned out to be an abusive ass. He showed his true colors right after my daughter was born and a few years later cheated on me and deserted us both. People put on their best sides of themselves and sometimes it takes a while for them to be who they really are. Marry too soon and you can get locked with a person that is nothing like the one you met and fell for.

[TheSteelAngel]

Depends on the age of the couple I think and if they've been long distance for a while too. If your friend is your age I'd say yes that's probably a bit too early, but each to their own I guess. I'd say 1-2 years dating would be ok. I'd want to live with my SO first to see if we could live together first, but most LD couples don't get that luxury.

My friend is my age and she and her boyfriend are not LD. They live together due to a situation at her home. They plan to get married right after her now fiance graduates from college 3 years from now. They really haven't been together long and I really worry about her but eh. We'll see what happens.

[crazycarrie06]

I don't think there are hard and fast rules. I think every situation is different. I used to think it needed to be at least a year, but if my SO proposed today I'd gladly marry him - and we've only been officially together since September - but we've been friends for 5 years and I know him as well as I know myself and have very few doubts about a life with him.

[TheSteelAngel]

I am going to be cynical and say 2 years. I married my first husband way too young and way too soon. It was around 9 months. He seemed like Prince Charming but turned out to be an abusive ass. He showed his true colors right after my daughter was born and a few years later cheated on me and deserted us both. People put on their best sides of themselves and sometimes it takes a while for them to be who they really are. Marry too soon and you can get locked with a person that is nothing like the one you met and fell for.

This here I totally agree with.

[TheSteelAngel]

I don't think there are hard and fast rules. I think every situation is different. I used to think it needed to be at least a year, but if my SO proposed today I'd gladly marry him - and we've only been officially together since September - but we've been friends for 5 years and I know him as well as I know myself and have very few doubts about a life with him.

I think that would be a lot more acceptable though since you've known him for 5 years. My friend's know this guy for 5 months. That's a big difference than knowing someone for 5 years.

[crazycarrie06]

I think that would be a lot more acceptable though since you've known him for 5 years. My friend's know this guy for 5 months. That's a big difference than knowing someone for 5 years.

True, and I'm also a little older too - I think the point someone made about age being a big factor is important. Not to say I'm all wise and such - but I definitely have a *much* better idea of what I want out of my life now than I did at 21/22. A good friend of mine just got married, they were together something like 6 months - but they're both older (she's in her 30s and he's late 30s) and both able to articulate very clearly what their expectations were and found that they were both compatible romantically and lifestyle wise. So, they kind of just knew. I don't think you can do that as well in your early 20s.

[Miasmata]

It really does depend on the individual couple, but I would say you shouldn't get married before you've lived together for some time and figured out how to move ahead with your life. Things like money, careers and family planning are all at least going to come up at some point, and if you both aren't 100% sure that you got these things in the clear, I don't think marriage is a good idea. Marriage isn't just full of romance, but also of responsibility, and if you aren't absolutely sure about each other and your plans at this point, it's better to give things more time.

[differentcountries]

My SO asked about marriage and us growing old together before I had known him two weeks, which was sweet - for that stage anyway. We both agree though that living together and talking concretely about the future has given us information about how we function as a couple and made us certain that we realistically might have a future together.

[MissingMyDutchLove]

True, and I'm also a little older too - I think the point someone made about age being a big factor is important. Not to say I'm all wise and such - but I definitely have a *much* better idea of what I want out of my life now than I did at 21/22. A good friend of mine just got married, they were together something like 6 months - but they're both older (she's in her 30s and he's late 30s) and both able to articulate very clearly what their expectations were and found that they were both compatible romantically and lifestyle wise. So, they kind of just knew. I don't think you can do that as well in your early 20s.

I honestly think it depends on the person as far as age goes. I think that being in love before really helps too. In my case, I wouldn't say I'm necessarily ready for marriage right now, but I do know that my boyfriend is the love of my life. Yes, I admit that I did briefly think that my ex was "the one", but that was more of a "I love being in love" than a "I love this man and I would do anything to be able to spend the rest of my life with him" kind of love. In my opinion, that experience alone made me more cautious when picking a new relationship and being LD made us move much more quickly as far as the whole "is this realistic? Do I actually love him or the idea of him? Are we really that compatible?" part goes. We were CD before we became LD so we were able to determine those questions as far as where we were in our relationship at that point. If we couldn't see a future together, then we wouldn't still be together today. So back to your statement about age: I agree to a certain standpoint. I certainly know a lot more now about myself and relationships and what I want than when I was 18, but I feel like when you know, you know. I may not be ready for marriage right now, but I would also marry him tomorrow without a second thought in my mind.

[TaraMarie]

I knew I was going to marry my husband the day I saw him. And I hadn't even spoken to him yet. I was 19, he was 40. It lasted 30 years. I don't think there is a "rule" about it.

[R&R]

I knew I was going to marry my husband the day I saw him. And I hadn't even spoken to him yet. I was 19, he was 40. It lasted 30 years. I don't think there is a "rule" about it.

I agree with this. Two of my teachers in high school got married after knowing each other two weeks. They have been married over 30 years and are still very much in love. I also have friends who had been a couple over 10 years and had two kids. They decided to get married and less than two years later were divorced. It depends on the couple.

[TheSteelAngel]

I agree with this. Two of my teachers in high school got married after knowing each other two weeks. They have been married over 30 years and are still very much in love. I also have friends who had been a couple over 10 years and had two kids. They decided to get married and less than two years later were divorced. It depends on the couple.

Yeah I guess it really does in the end. I knew a couple who were childhood friends and got engaged after dating for 6 months but called it off after a few months of being engaged. Same thing happened with my older brother. Thought he loved his girlfriend, proposed to her, then he cut it off after a few months.

So I have a new question. What do you all think of really long engagements? Like being engaged for many years for example.

[differentcountries]

It depends of the reason for the long engagement. My grandfather had a long engagement to my grandmother, a lot of which was LDR, because he was earning money to provide for her and their future kids. That is a reason that makes sense to me - he was actually making money to pay for their wedding and for furniture in their first house. I know also some international couples have a longer engagement because they must save up for the move or to pay strangely expensive visa fees (shame on you, Australia).

In my country, people often do the common law marriage thing and have long engagements that they use to buy a house, move in, have 1-2 kids - and THEN get married. I don't understand this at all. If you know you are going to marry why not just do it the first uppertunity you have? People say that marriage is so expensive, while at least here if you marry at the courthouse or in your local church all you need to pay for is prints and stamps for the application for your right to marry certificate in the mail (to basically prove you are not already married, and you register as planning to marry within 3 months time). Anything beyond that, you choose what you want to include and what price range you want it in. Wedding parties are getting increasingly more elaborate and expensive, setting a bad example for young people wishing to tie the knot.