He broke off our engagement & wanted me back as his girlfriend after 3 yrs.

[Liz7]

Hi everyone. I found this website of FB and seriously need advice from men and women that are in the same type of relationship as I am. My SO and I had been together for a bit over 3 yrs now. We both are single parents, he has two (12 & 7 yr old) and I have one (3 yr old). He divorced his ex wife after she cheated on him while he was out on one of his deployments, after 9 yrs. We re both military and met in Va. I got orders to NYC and he stayed in Va. He's left on a 9 mth deployment. Which was extremely difficult for me but he ended up flying me out to Dubai and it did us great and was needed. The deployment made me feel very depressed and lonely which in turn I would take out on him bc I would blame him for not being here. The distance and frustration, stress caused arguments. He did all he could to comfort me and call me the boat. I kept staying up late hours making care packages for him. Neatless to see he came back and I waited for him faithfully on the pier. I made many trips to Va (7hrs) while he was away to spend time with his kids while they lived with his mother. I wanted to show that I loved eventho he wasn't there. We planned a trip to Paris and he proposed to me! It was the happiest day of my life! Paris was perfect. It was my first engagement, my first ring! We were so in love. I was so in love. This was May 2014. I/we had to step back in reality and part ways again. All we wanted was to be a regular engaged couple. The distance started getting to us and we started arguing constantly about pettiness. Once in a while it would be of importance. We spoke about the wedding and talked about dates. October 28, 2014 he broke off the engagment bc he said he was fed up with arguments. And my entire world came crushing down on me. Our plans, out goals, our hard work, my dreams, my heart, everything was broken. I held on bc come April 2015, I would transfer to va. I knew if I held on, no matter what, we would get there. Struggling. But we would get there. A month later we started seeing eachother again. And he wanted me back. He said I made him happy, he was happy. He just couldn't keep going bc of the arguments. But he had broken his own heart. I returned my engagment ring in December. After a few weeks of talking, He asked me to take him back. We spent x Mas and new yrs together, then all of january me son and I stayed in his house. He fell back in love with me and asked me to move in again. He wants to keep all the plans and goals as before. The break up brought my ALOT of insecurity with him bc I feel as if he can get up and leave anytime. He left me at the most high test level of commitment in our relationship. It hasn't been hard moving on for me. I'm hurt. I'm down about being a fiancé to a gf. But I still love him. Being unsure, just 9 days ago I said yes, let's do it. Let's move in! He was elated! But forgot that he will be gone 4 out of 5 months that I would move in. His boat will be doing work ups and it's constantly be home then back out. Sooo, I need advice. I don't know if this is the right move. Move into his house in April, take care of three kids, a big house, drive 50 minutes to work with my son and back killing myself to get home to the kids. and wait for him alone. I would be going from a single mom of 1 to 3. And no man around. Or should I move into my own apartment. See I feel as if I moved in, I would take on the position of a wife/stepmom. When I am a simple girlfriend now. As a fiancé or wife, I would do it with my eyes closed. I But he broke that. I feel as if it's caused me to fall out of love with him. He's been trying. He's been getting his house repaired and has a room for my son. I don't know what to do. Move in as a gf and take on the wife/stepmom role or look for my own place and wait to see how things pan out.

[Petals]

I'm sorry you are hurting ((hugs)).



If you guys argue a lot I think he made the right decision to call of the engagement, because the issues that are present prior to marriage are likely to be present after marriage (I learned this the hard way).It means that these issues need to be resolved before that level of committment is taken. Forget about marriage as the end goal and examine the health of the relationship. Are you both compatible enough to be longterm partners?


I know distance relationship is difficult, but it is a part of your lives based on the career path you both chose. This means that you have to learn to just deal with it! It's unfair to blame him for being away. He has no control over where he's deployed. He asked you to move in and once again you start thinking about being a single mom, because he's not there. Again, it sounds like you are blaming him for not being there which is not his fault so ultimately you will be fighting over this again.

I understand that you are distressed over being downgraded from a fiancé to a girlfriend, but that should not be the focus if you are seeking a healthy relationship and ultimately marriage. Work on the issues that exists in the relationship and make sure that it is healthy enough to deal with the major issues that will arise once your lives are merged.

You have kids to consider. All this upheaval in the relationship is surely affecting them so think hard about whether it is worth moving in with him when your relationship is not stable. Your decision to move or not should be based on whether you are suitable life partners in critical areas - communication, how you deal with finances, child-rearing skills etc. Don't let the passion you feel during sex, trick you into thinking that you are good for each other. Try to take the goggles off and look at cold hard reality.

All the best!

[differentcountries]

Seriously, why doesn't he give you the engagement ring back? I completely understand you. I would never go back from being a fiance or a wife to just a gf to someone, especially not if we had broken it off for just a few months - AND I took care of his house and kids! While the most important thing is your compatability and ways of approaching the relationship (he is actually not away to upset you, although for sure LD relationships feels like that for many of us sometimes), still the symbols matter. Knowing you are in it for the long haul can make a big difference in getting motivated to work on yourself and the relationship. Take the discussion of where you now stand.

[Hollandia]

You want a life together or you don't. He would need to have taken you completely back before you move in. I would not. You have kids, you are not playing house. No backsies for grown-ups. If you will be sharing a life, then it is really time to Sh#t or get off the pot. You can't un-pull that trigger. Tell him you love him and understand why he did what he did, but you want "the full tomato" and if he loves you enough, then he should enough to make you his wife. If not, move out. You are not helping the matter by giving him his cake and letting him eat it too.

Try to watch your bickering, vent to your pals instead of him for leaving toilet seat up, dirty dishes out or what ever other pettiness it is. Most men hate that with a passion. If you feel it coming, then step back and leave room and breath. If not, this way kill the love at some point. Use us if it helps, it did for me. Be flexible about wedding dates. It's one day, one party and in scope, not a big deal about details. The rest of your life together is. We just got married in Gibraltar on Tuesday, I went into it with no major expectations and had amazing day with his parents, brother and GF just strolling from cafe to cafe and talking to each other and other groups at other tables. If you love each other and get married in a broom closet with hardly anyone, it really won't matter, unless you make it matter. The wedding is not important, the marriage is, best of luck to you and yours.