Does it really matter that much?

[TristenLove]

I totally think it would depend on their history. Say, the person your seeing has already had 2 unsuccessful marriages and has decided they don't want to go through that again, especially the disappointement from their family. Obviously if anyone told me they didn't want to marry me, no matter what the reason, I'd be hurt. I would have to try and understand their stance before deciding whether or not to break things off.

[Love Duck]

I can understand how marriage might not matter to some people. If you're already committed to the person in your heart, a piece of paper or a ceremony may just seem superfluous. On the other side of things, there are some people I know who are absolutely horrified by the idea of being with the same person, and that person only, for the rest of their life.

As for me, yes, marriage is important to a point. I'm not all "OMG GOTTA GET MARRIED ASAP" but I would like to eventually. It's romantic, it has many legal benefits, and it's part of the culture too. It's a way of saying to the world "yes, we love each other and we are sticking together through thick and thin."

[LostInLove]

I can understand how marriage might not matter to some people. If you're already committed to the person in your heart, a piece of paper or a ceremony may just seem superfluous. On the other side of things, there are some people I know who are absolutely horrified by the idea of being with the same person, and that person only, for the rest of their life.

I totally agree with this. It's not necessarily a deal breaker for me, but if he said he didn't ever want to get married I would need to know why.

I'm not dead set on being a wife, but I think I've robbed a few people of their maternal instincts. The one thing I absolutely completely have to do in my life is be a mother. Every time I hold a child in my arms, I know that this is what I want. Not right now of course, when I'm emotionally and financially ready. I want to have a family. And to me, another big part of that is having someone to spend the rest of my life with. Someone to grow old with and cherish and is going to help you get through the days when the kids decide they hate you. :P

So to me, marriage is not an absolute necessity, but the commitment it represents is. If he doesn't want to get married, he's going to need to do something to show me that he is COMMITTED to doing everything we can to make it work. And as several people have pointed out sometimes eveything isn't enough, but I want us to try first. I don't want to stay with someone if they don't want to be involved in this kind of relationship. THAT'S what would be the deal breaker. But I would take it pretty hard if my SO said he wasn't interested in getting married, only because it's something that I would like. I don't need a big fancy ceremony or anything like that, just saying our vows, exchanging rings and signing the papers in front of a Justice of Peace or whatever would be enough for me.

I haven't asked him about marriage, but I have asked him about kids and he's cool on that front. The rest we can work out if/when the time comes.

[CanadianGirl]

If Eric didn't want to get hitched in the future (but still saw me in it, of course), I wouldn't think any different. Marriage isn't a huge deal. I wasn't one of those girls that dreamt about her wedding and the dress. I just want the security of a committed relationship.

There's still reasons I would want to get married. One is to legitimize our relationship to my family. It's complicated, but getting married would show them that we're in it for the long haul and not just fooling around. It would save me a lot of grief. Also, there's a few legal benefits to marriage that are important when you are looking to commit your life to being with one person and caring for them.

At the end of the day, the marriage certificate is to prove to the rest of the world that you are serious.

He's already brought up the idea of marriage (and kids!), so I know we're both on the same page

[Mizpah]

Marriage has always been important to Aaron and me. I suppose that is largely from our religious upbringing, but also because instinctively I knew that it would be so much more than anything I had ever experienced. Dating him, and living with him, were wonderful experiences but there truly is nothing like marriage. When someone pledges all that they are and all that they have to you it creates a new kind of relationship. You are partners through, and witnesses to, each others' life. You are saying (although the high divorce rate shows that only a few are actually saying this) "You are the end of life as I know it, the beginning of life as it should be, and all that I will ever want and need." You are a team, and a family, and that is recognized in much bigger way. I have known couples who have lived together for years without marriage coming on the scene. It works for them, their belief system, and they have made it a valid life choice. There is something to be said for choosing to be with someone every day, but again, it is simply impossible to describe just how incredible awesome marriage really is until you have experienced it.

If Aaron had told me he would never marry me, or never wanted marriage, as much as I love him I would have had to reconsider the relationship. If he and I had stuck to our original plan of waiting 2-4 years to end the distance (instead of three months) and marry (instead of after ten months) I would have waited. He is worth it. Due to my beliefs, I never wanted to live with someone before marriage, and I especially did not want to end up like a couple of my friends who are totally in love, but have been living together without marriage for nine years, not from a mutual agreement but because the guy simply didn't think it was that important. The girl was heartbroken about it until he finally propose this year. Aaron promised he wouldn't procrastinate on me, that we wouldn't be like that, and he kept his promise when he proposed two months after I moved to NC to be with him. It really is a case-by-case thing, this marriage business, but I truly think it is something everyone should experience with the right person.

[jennyblueyz]

In order for us to actually spend the rest of our lives together, we need to get married, because he is from Ireland and can't live in the States unless he is married to a US citizen. We've talked about marriage since about our first anniversary. We are now at 3 1/2 years of dating long distance. I think he will be proposing sometime in the next few months while he is here. I can't wait to be married to him and waking up to him every day. I can't wait to have kids with him. I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with him!!!

[hxcbreakdance]

I would be bummed if he never wanted to marry but I would stay with him if that was what he wanted. Marriage is very important to me but I would not leave him because we didn't get married.

[Casey]

I wouldn't put a time limit on it. Adam and I just celebrated our five year anniversary and no ring, which a lot of people think it weird, but seriously we are 20 and 21. I think at this stage if Adam told me marriage wasn't on the cards at all, I would be seriously reconsidering our relationship, and asking why he felt that. If I found out that he is just one of those people that never wanted to get married, then this would obviously be something we would have to discuss, because there are plenty of people out there who never get married but have very loving long term relationships. It may be a deal breaker, but I wouldn't know unless that was the situation.
But I think because I'm so young, marriage isn't really a deal breaker for me - maybe my biological clock isn't loudly ticking yet or something. We wanna get married in a couple of years (Sept 2013) but it wouldn't be a deal breaker if he didn't wanna get married til Sept 2023 really. I would like to be married for some years before children, so we can enjoy just being married. Plus our puppy is our baby anyway

[Tabitha]

I would never break up with Eric because of something like not getting married. Neither of us want to get married anyway until we're out of school, settled in our careers, and financially stable. The time for marriage will come if and when we're ready. Until then, we're perfectly content just being together. We will be taking a huge step by moving to Atlanta together this spring. That's all we want at this point.

[London-FortCollins]

Havn't read everyones responses - apologies.

I always knew I wanted to get married. Luckily, so did my SO

However if he didnt want to, we'd have a discussion about it, work out the reasons why I did, why he didnt and find out if it was a deal breaker, not a big issue, or if there was a middle ground or compromise.

I know deep down I'd be sad, and would always want to be joined to him in so many ways other than just that we had chosen to be together. But at the same time BEING with my SO is the most important thing.

I have a friend who had been with his girlfriend for something like 9 or 10 years. She had a major "life plan" with dates and schedules and was always harrasing him about marriage.

Last Summer she split up with him. Saying she was "fed up of waiting and 'ran out of love'" He was devasted. Especially as he told me he had been planning on proposing soon. But that didnt make a difference when he told her that - she said it was too late.

Overal I think he's better off without her. I feel telling someone you "ran out of love" is possibly one of the worst things you could say to break up with someone.

[Engel]

as i am a brazilian, and someday i would run out of visas to stay in germany, we would marry, or we would break up in the end.



we will marry.

[littlethinktank]

That’s a really interesting question.

If my SO would say he’d never want to marry me I’d inquire why. Is it because he does not approve of marriage or is it because he eschews the commitment that comes with it. Is he afraid to commit to our relationship or is he opposed to the “institution” of marriage in general?

For me personally, marriage isn’t that important (yet). I am only in my twenties but I’ve already seem my fair share of weddings and divorces… I think that has somewhat disillusioned me. Marriage is not a guarantee for undying love.

I think what matters to me is the commitment. If I’d decide to marry I would like my SO understand it as a symbol for my commitment. To me it means that I can imagine being happy with this person for the rest if my life, that I am willing to share my life, to compromise and that I am willing to put work and effort into our relationship and not just throw everything away and leave when it gets difficult.

Do I believe you can only achieve such a commitment by being married? Definitely not. Right now I am not ready to marry and don’t consider it necessary. I feel that my SO and I have developed a very strong bond between the two of us and have a mature relationship. That’s enough for now. We’ll see what the future holds. Maybe I change my opinion once I get older.

[rhomy]

Well, I honestly don't find marriage to be such an important thing.
I guess you don't need a "signed paper" in order to proof your feelings or make them more valuable.
Though it is a way to emphasize them.
In my case, my SO is divorced and really had a miserable time. But that it's not about marriage itself, it's about the ppl within it.
Before we started our relationship, we've talked about that and he mentioned he wasn't really sure of wanting to get married again but well... if things continue as good as they are so far... I'll have to move to the U.S and get married to become a citizen...

I've never wanted to get married, not even in CDR but with him (citizen stuff aside) I would love to. It just feels like the right thing to do.
If he says he doesn't want to get married someday, that would break my heart but still wouldn't leave him. Because he always find ways of showing me his love. And that's the most important thing for me.

And if he says he wants to (someday, far from today coz we are still a new couple) I would cry a Yes! inmediately

[CanadianGirl]

I don't actually find an official marriage all too important. I'm fine with the idea of just being with him for the rest of our lives, the rings and ceremony don't really matter. We're both pretty non-religious, so that part of marriage isn't really a factor. I'm the kind of person who takes a very, very long time to make a decision, but when that decision is made, there is no changing it. Ever. So, honestly, I'm "married" to my SO in my heart and a wedding on top of that seems redundant, but it would be a pretty cute memory.

It would also make my family take us seriously. With my family being very traditional, South Asian and our relationship being so unconventional (LDR, interracial etc.), getting married would get them to ease up. If we never get married, I have a feeling my mother would be attempting to find me a "suitable" husband. Also, marriage would help the visa along. And on top of all that, my SO is a family guy and I know he's quite intent on proposing to me when the time is right. It's kind of heart-wrenchingly sweet, so when I'm not opposed to marriage and certainly want to be with him forever, how could I possibly say no?

[Malaga]

I used to think marriage is just a piece of paper and doesn't make a difference, but the older I get the more I see it does make a difference, at least for me. If it really doesn't matter, then why would you rather not do it than go ahead with it?

For me it's the same as saying I love you. You can be in a long-term relationship with someone who treats you great and everything, but if they never actually told you they loved you, most people would feel like something is missing. You know it's just words, you know that they act committed and care deeply and that's what matters. But if they can't bring themselves to say it, then it's obviously an issue.

Some couples never want to get married and that's OK if it works for them, I don't think they love each other less or anything.

But for me, relationships either evolve or they decline. Making it official in the eyes of the law and ourselves, our families and everyone else, for me that's the natural progression of being in a committed relationship. If we can't reach that point for whatever reason, then it's obviously going to decline.

I also wouldn't feel comfortable starting a family with someone who can't make the decision to officially acknowledge their feelings and intentions. There's plenty of big and difficult decisions that have to be made when you live together and raise children, and we need reassurance from each other before we get into it.