Wedding Talk Scares me

[lucybelle]

My SO and I were chatting last night and I told him that I really wanted to travel somewhere in the USA with him when he gets here. He told me he wanted to go to Las Vegas and I thought that sounded like lots of fun. Then he says "We could get married by Elvis". Of course I figured this was a joke and went with it "sure I'll dress up as Cher."

Well later that evening we were on Skype and he tells me that he really does want to marry me. WOAH. I am NOT ready for marriage. The only reason I would consider marriage with him is like a convenience marriage, for him to get a visa. I truly love my SO but I feel like I'm too young to get married! (I'm 23, he's 29) I told him the idea of marriage scares me, and he assures me he doesn't want to get married for a while.

I don't know... I feel like I've already gotten cold feet for something that hasn't even happened yet! I remember telling my friend that he was "the love of my life". She tells me "Oh, well that's kind of a shame that you found him so young." And I can't get that out of my head!

I feel like most people on here are all gung-ho about getting married. I feel strange because I'm certainly NOT in that category.

[Silviar]

It's ok and normal to not be ready for marriage. Sometimes we're just not ready, and you may feel you haven't progressed in your relationship to the point where it's evolved to the point of marriage. I mean, you've only been together for 6.5 months according to your tick chart.

I'm going to be the blunt person and talk about the elephant in the post:

I don't know... I feel like I've already gotten cold feet for something that hasn't even happened yet! I remember telling my friend that he was "the love of my life". She tells me "Oh, well that's kind of a shame that you found him so young." And I can't get that out of my head!

First, I think your friend has a nut loose. Who the hell thinks it's a shame to find someone you want to be with forever, regardless of age? That's not the 'real issue' here. When you're ready to be with a person and you find the right person, you know. The fact that it's in your head is important and something you need to resolve within yourself. The post infers (and if I'm wrong, please feel free to correct me), that you're thinking you're missing out by being with someone now and forever. If you still think this and feel like your relationship is making you hold out on life, then you may need to re-examine your relationship wants and needs. If you don't want to be in an exclusive, long-term relationship, that's ok. I want to emphasize that - it's ok to not want to get married, it's ok to want to date around, and it's ok to want a different relationship than an exclusive, long-term relationship.

However, if that need of yours in relationships is different from your SO's, then you need to discuss and do what's best for you. I'm not advocating breaking up, I think you're confused and the comment is digging at you for some personal reason, and you're going to have to figure out why before you can address the how.

I know many, many people who wait for marriage, and who don't even want an exclusive relationship. You're on a board here though where many people do want to get married because the long-term types tend to stick to LDR's, so I think it feels skewed. Don't be afraid to not want to get married; it's perfectly fine to wait.

[willieboy]

It's weird. There are a lot of people these days who believe that if you haven't had sex with lots and lots of partners, you've missed out on the experience of shopping around. Seems to me you don't miss out on much except heartbreak, worry, and antibiotics. If you've found the one, you've found the one, regardless of how long or aggressively you've shopped.

[lucybelle]

The post infers (and if I'm wrong, please feel free to correct me), that you're thinking you're missing out by being with someone now and forever. If you still think this and feel like your relationship is making you hold out on life, then you may need to re-examine your relationship wants and needs. If you don't want to be in an exclusive, long-term relationship, that's ok. I want to emphasize that - it's ok to not want to get married, it's ok to want to date around, and it's ok to want a different relationship than an exclusive, long-term relationship.

Yeah I think I'm going off some weird, old perception of marriage that I have. When I think of marriage, I think about "settling down" which is something I'm totally not ready to do. I want to go vagabonding around the world for a few years. I think I need to get over that connection. My SO is very excited about going traveling with me, and living around the world. That's one of the reasons I love him so much. We were actually previously in an open relationship up until a few weeks ago. It just didn't work out for us because we didn't want to be with other people. I think I'm finally at a point where I am ready for a "long term monogamous relationship", and I need to disconnect that idea with the idea of being a fuddy-duddy... haha

Seems to me you don't miss out on much except heartbreak, worry, and antibiotics.

Hehehe that made me laugh!

[willieboy]

Marriage talk SHOULD scare you. It's a big step, and believe me, if you make a mistake, divorce is really, really painful. You're young. Take your time.

[Silviar]

Marriage talk SHOULD scare you. It's a big step, and believe me, if you make a mistake, divorce is really, really painful. You're young. Take your time.

Seconded. Enjoy running around the world together - those experiences will teach you a lot about if your love is the type you want to verify on legal documents or not.

[Darth_Taco]

You're not alone :P. I want nothing to do with marriage at the moment unless it's necessary (I need to be on his health insurance, my dual citizenship comes back and bites me in the ass, we need to piss someone off, ect). Enrique brought it up a while back, and I stopped him right there. No marriage @_@! Dammit, we're 20 and have only been together less than 2 1/2 years, I don't wanna think about getting married yet ;_;! For the love of God, we barely agreed like 2 weeks ago this was a serious relationship! D: (Yes, that came after I moved 300 miles for him xD) So we came up with a deal, no marriage talk till we're at least 25. On May 23, 2015 (my 25th birthday) we would've been together just a few months short of 7 years. If we do it right, we would've been together 10 years before actually getting married @_@ (we'd be 28).

Of course, a lot of this comes from the fact that we don't know when the hell California is legalizing gay marriage again. I'm not getting married to him as a woman, dammit! D:< I wanna be a man on my wedding day assuming I go through with it ;_;!

[Čternity]

I'm iffy about marrying again. I love the institution but am just balking whenever we discuss it. I think at the back of my irrational thoughts are if we don't get married we can't break up which of course is nonsense. You should definitely take your time and consider what you want.

[Silviar]

I'm iffy about marrying again. I love the institution but am just balking whenever we discuss it. I think at the back of my irrational thoughts are if we don't get married we can't break up which of course is nonsense. You should definitely take your time and consider what you want.

Quick question for ya E - Do you find it irritating, as I do, that essentially being US/Oz leans towards needing marriage in order to be together? I mean, technically you can apply for the de facto visa, but you'd have to live together for 12 months first, and what a complete pain in the arse that is to negotiate money-wise! >.<