I want to get engaged before we close the distance... he doesn't...

[rsvpnj]

More specifically... he said that he would like us to be living together before we get engaged...

Its not like I don't understand his feelings... but at the same time...I have my own....We met in August of 2002. We dated casually for several years before becoming exclusive August 17, 2008... exactly 6 years after the day we met. We are planning to close the distance the summer after next... June 2012.... thats 14 months away... and I can only assume that he's not going to propose on the day I move in...

I'm trying to figure out how I feel about this... I am going to turn 30 in August... 1 day after our anniversary actually. I'll be almost 31 when we move in together. I want a long engagement ..and I know it sounds a bit sophomoric but I don't want to be a 35 year old bride... my BF is 40 years old... 10 years older than me... plus I want to have a long engagement because I don't want us to have any debt after we get married...

We know that we're in this for forever...we talk about the future together.. our home, our lives, raising the kids, growing old, as if its a given... that's why I don't understand why he wants to wait so long...

In the past 7 months or so.. 14 couples in his/my/our circle of friends have become engaged... now I'm not trying to say that this is the reason that I want to get engaged because its not... I love him and I know that I want to spend the rest of my life with him...

I guess my question is... how do I talk to him about this without making it seem like I'm giving him an ultimatum? Has anyone ever had to have a similar conversation? If he insists on waiting, I'll wait... I'm going to be with him forever anyway... Part of the reason I would like to get engaged before we close the distance is because I am changing everything I know to be with him... because I want to, of course. He can't move here, I must move there. I am taking my kids with me 3,000 miles across the country away from all of our family and friends. I guess I just want to feel like there's some sort of promise that goes along with the sacrifices I am making for "us". Perhaps that sounds selfish but its how I feel...

I would love to get some feedback on this!!

Thanks in advance!!!

[Brandie]

I understand that you want to get engaged before closing the distance, I haven't experienced this personally, but I would just bring up the topic with him, and just tell him everything you told us. That you don't want to be a 35 year old bride, and that you love each other so why wait. Just get across to him that it's an idea that you would really like, and then all you can do is hope that he understands, and hopefully you will be getting engaged soon

[blankita719]

Oh man - do I feel you on this one!
My SO is 9 years older than I am, and I'm 32. I've never been married, and even when I was engaged to my ex, didn't really feel the need to rush into anything with him (thank god!).
But here I am, and he feels the same way as yours. We've been friends for 14 years, did long distance years ago and got back together last summer, and he says his rules are that we should be together for at least 2 years and living in the same place. Now because of the length of time we've known each other he says he is willing to waive the two years but we can't close the distance for another 2 and a half years at this point anyway so I'll still be waiting. And I understand his feelings, given that he's been engaged before and it ended very badly. We've talked about it a lot, because I want to be married now of course and he wants to wait until we're in the same place. I guess at some point, I've realized that I can talk until I am blue in the face, but part of the reason I love him so much is the fact that when he says something he means it, so I can't be upset over this (too much anyway). It's difficult sometimes, to see others getting engaged and married and having babies and thinking how badly I want to be in that position because I'm ready for it now. I've just been open with him about my feelings. He appreciates it, and reassures me that it will happen, I just need to be patient, so I am trying. But I know it's hard.

[BabyGund]

Uhmm....just going by what you've said here...you've been dating 9 years and there's no wedding ring in sight?! OK, I re-read and this August, you've been "exclusive" for 3 years....and there's STILL no ring in sight?!

Sounds like he's exclusive but not committed. Maybe I'm the wrong person to ask....but, I'd start dating other people.

[Moon]

Normally, I'd say wait, but in your case, I think enough time has passed for him to make a decision, and you're more than old enough to be sure that this is what you want. I don't think it's selfish at all to ask for this after moving your life across the country to be with him, it's the least he can do, really. If he's got this much of an issue with it, it might be time to have a serious conversation about his commitment problems, because I think that's really what it comes down to. What if you do this, and he doesn't ultimately propose? What will you do then?

Being a 35 year old bride isn't the end of the world, you know, unless you're hoping for a few more children. You aren't exactly over the hill yet

[Zephii]

Personally, despite how long you've been together, I can see why he wants to wait. I know neither Obi or I would have wanted to get engaged while we were still LD, because there's subtile shifts in the dynamic of your realitionship after you get engaged, and (now I've been there anyway) I think we'd have been missing out if we'd been LD.
That aside, you get engaged to get married. You can't get married at this point, unless you want to start your married life off long distance, and like was discussed in Ryan's thread, you can't do a heck of a lot of wedding planning more than a year before the wedding date anyway. I guess what I'm trying to say is waiting doesn't hurt anything. There's no reason you can't start saving money for your wedding before you're engaged. Having savings never hurt anyone.

But, that doesn't answer your question Tangent right there, sorry.

I think every time I've had to start a potentially awkward conversation with Obi I've started with a varient of "So, I was thinking about..." and diving right in. Wait til you have his full attention, and then just tell him what's on your mind. Every little bit of it. If you can't open up completely, be yourself and splurt out what's on your mind you wouldn't want to get hitched to him anyway, right? So just jump on in! Good luck

[Mizpah]

Potentially awkward conversations are hard to prepare for, and I had to have a similar one with Aaron when it became clear we were closing the distance. For background, he and I are Protestant so the whole living together before marriage was not really in our plan or beliefs, but my home life became dangerous again so three months after we started dating we closed the distance. We already knew we wanted to end the distance that summer and get engaged, but so much for best-laid plans...Anywho, I was confident in him and our relationship, but again and again I had seen one negative aspect of cohabitation one partner usually got complacent while the other wanted marriage. Two of my very good friends have been living together for almost a decade, and are madly in love, but he's the complacent one while she badly wanted engagement/marriage. She was really depressed when I got engaged for the first time, and some of our mutual friends did as well. I did not want that for us. I knew it could come out wrong, so I simply told him that I loved and trusted him, but I wanted him to know how I felt about cohabitation and marriage. I shared my friends' experience (they got engaged after we did ) and told him that I did not want him to think that I was trying to rush or pressure him in any way because I did not mind waiting. Fortunately, he did not take it the wrong way and understood/agreed completely.

So my advice to you would be to start off telling him that you have been thinking about all of this (what you posted: engagement, cohabitation, moving your life and children, age and time, etc) and that you don't want to pressure him, but you really need him to show his commitment since you are showing yours in the ultimate way. If he reacts negatively or refuses, I would seriously reconsider the move because of the length of time you have been together, it would smack of commitment-phobia, and would not be a stable situation for you and your children. I wish you the best

[lucybelle]

I completely understand why you would want to be engaged, but I can also see why he would want to wait. If you've never lived together before it can be an awkward step, especially involving children. My mom moved in with her boyfriend before they were "engaged". By the time she moved in with him my siblings and I were all off to college. Yet she was still scared about "uprooting" us from our old house. For financial reasons, they decided not to get married until after we all graduated from college. They're still not "engaged", just planning a wedding sometime next year.

alright... I guess what I'm trying to say is it's okay to trust in him that a proposal and wedding will happen. Maybe you can make a compromise and say that you want him to propose within the first year of living together?

[rsvpnj]

Thanks everyone!!! You all have posted valid points and I will consider them all before I speak with him... Wish me luck ;-)

[Zephii]

Good luck!!

[Deleted Account]

i read an article about that in March's issue of cosmopolitan... it had to do with men fearing to get engaged and stuff... but since that is not my issue i didnt really pay too much attention.. so i cant remember it exactly. But maybe u should read it and try to see if it could possibly be whats holding him from getting engaged. I'll see if i can find the article on the web for you..


This was not the one i read but its related to your issue maybe it can help.
https://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-lov...ultimatum-0908

well i guess they dont have it available but the article was called "why men in love are dragging their feet"

[rsvpnj]

Thanks! I'll look for the article...

Good luck!!

[rsvpnj]

I tried to look up that article online and I can't find it ... I saw a photo of the cover and I know that I received that issue in the mail and now I can't find it

i read an article about that in March's issue of cosmopolitan... it had to do with men fearing to get engaged and stuff... but since that is not my issue i didnt really pay too much attention.. so i cant remember it exactly. But maybe u should read it and try to see if it could possibly be whats holding him from getting engaged. I'll see if i can find the article on the web for you..


This was not the one i read but its related to your issue maybe it can help.
https://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-lov...ultimatum-0908

well i guess they dont have it available but the article was called "why men in love are dragging their feet"

[rsvpnj]

I found the article and it raised some really good points that I am definitely going to bring up in discussion with him next week when we're together... thanks!!!

i read an article about that in March's issue of cosmopolitan... it had to do with men fearing to get engaged and stuff... but since that is not my issue i didnt really pay too much attention.. so i cant remember it exactly. But maybe u should read it and try to see if it could possibly be whats holding him from getting engaged. I'll see if i can find the article on the web for you..


This was not the one i read but its related to your issue maybe it can help.
https://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-lov...ultimatum-0908

well i guess they dont have it available but the article was called "why men in love are dragging their feet"