Engagement Vent - long, sorry :/

[jaimie14]

I had a dream about us getting engaged last night... which makes me want it that much more! We've talked about timelines for our relationship... We want to get married June 2014 (After he grads from USAFA) ... but when we wanna get engaged is fuzzy. I def need AT LEAST a year to plan a wedding, possibly more since I'll be doing it almost completely without him (he'll be half way across the country) and since I'll be doing it WHILE at school and working... So that puts us getting engaged June 2013 at the latest, but I'd prefer a little sooner... maybe a lot sooner It's frustrating because he says to me all the time "I already feel like you're my fiance/wife, we just can't yet"

He doesn't wanna get engaged toooo soon, which I understand. He wants me to meet his grandparents first, and he doesn't feel like dealing with everyone (his parents, my parents, etc) saying "Oh don't you think that's kind of soon" etc.. I was figuring a year/year an a half (Basically between August and Decemberish I guess)... He says thats a good amount of time but something he can't get through his head, YOU DON"T HAVE TO PLAN A WEDDING IMMEDIATELY.

Turns out he's afraid of Wedding Planning stress... I know it can be stressful but as long as I remain organized, it won't lbe toooo bad, PLUS YOU DONT HAVE TO START PLANNING THE MINUTE YOU GET ENGAGED!!!!!


I just want the formal engagement to shout to the wolrd "I'm Taken"... and also so I don't have to deal with people saying "If you guys get married" but rather "When"... He and I already KNOW we're getting married. It's already written... It's happening, its just the sharing it with the family and making it all formal that we're having difficulty with and its driving me crazy!

Engagement vent over

PS. We've even looked at rings and stuff already... And he said the other dady when we had this convo "There's a Jared up the street if that makes you feel any better"... No, what would make me feel better would be if you've BEEN there......

And Just to clarify I DO NOT WANT TO RUSH HIM! So he doesn't know about me being frustrated, but I DO want it soonish... And I guess I should calm down some.. He did tell me part of why he doesn't like talking about it is because he wants it to be a surprise...

Maybe He'll do it on our 1 year, when I fly out there... but that'd be too cliche... So would my birthday and Christmas... He doesn't like to do cliche' he wants to do unique....


SOrryy this was SOOO freakin long, I just had to get it all out!

[Moon]

I just want the formal engagement to shout to the wolrd "I'm Taken"... and also so I don't have to deal with people saying "If you guys get married" but rather "When"... He and I already KNOW we're getting married. It's already written... It's happening, its just the sharing it with the family and making it all formal that we're having difficulty with and its driving me crazy!

Seriously? This seems like an absolutely horrible reason to get engaged. You're only 18, relax. Everyone will say "Oh, its too soon" because it probably is, what's the rush? Why are you pressuring him into this? If you're so sure you'll marry anyway, there's no need to get engaged immediately, wait until you're BOTH ready and until you're financially stable enough for such a venture. Live together first, then see if you want to take the next step, you say you don't want to rush him, but that's exactly what you're doing.

[BabyGund]

Uhmm....does he even have money to purchase an engagement ring for you? And I know a ring is not necessary or mandatory but really?

I remember being like this when I was 18, dating a much older man who promised me the world and then some. I wanted to be engaged/married in the worse way. So I've BTDT. You're taken. You know it, he knows it. How about a promise ring? That seems totally appropriate.

If the plan is wedding in June 2014, then you don't need to be engaged until the earliest maybe June 2012. That's still over a year away.

He's not afraid of wedding planning stress. He's afraid of being roped in and pressured to do something he's not ready to do yet. Cool your jets and stop pressuring him. The pressure will make him run and turn tail quicker than anything else.

[acroush]

How about a promise ring? That seems totally appropriate.

I like this idea. I had a promise ring from my boyfriend when I was 18 too and it made me feel like we had something special and we had a future together... but this boyfriend didn't work out. We grew apart because we were so young... We had talked about marriage and kids and everything... but I was 18.

You need to go to college and experiance your life before you get married. I am not saying you won't be with your boy at the end but don't rush through your life because you won't be able to get that back. You can be married forever... you can't be 18 forever.

[Tara_Lynn]

Isn't it always so frustrating to hear that you are still young? Look back on it in a few years and you will understand that there is some sense in what everyone is telling you. I am 24 and will be graduating grad school in May. My love and I have talked about marriage before. It's loosely in the plans in the next 2 years or so. I have been in three weddings in the past year, and all my friends are engaged or married it seems. We cannot live together until we are married. So it's easy to say that I want a ring. I want one badly. However, I know that right now, there are a million reasons we shouldn't be engaged yet.

Besides, I know that he loves me. I know we have a great life together. And I know that no ring or Facebook relationship status will make our relationship stronger ( we actually didn't even put our relationship on FB until after a year...who's business was it anyways? I just got tired of having to put his name in the search box...). Last, but not least....we are broke! And when I joked with my man about all the bets he's made my friends lose over when he will ask me to marry him, he looked at me and said "All in good time. And besides, what worse way/bad luck to start a marriage than by my having to borrow money to buy your ring?" valid point, sir.

I guess what I am trying to say through all this rambling is that having a ring to prove to everyone that your love is real even if it is far away isn't the best reason to press for one. Make plans. Grow more and more in love. But you have all the time in the world for a ring because once it is there it will hopefully never go away. So chill and enjoy being young and in love! And take all that extra time to pick out the perfect ring.

[lucybelle]

The age thing is bothering me too. I'm only 24, my SO is 30, and we both think we're still too young to get married. Everyone has different perspectives on marriage, but I don't see the rush really. Of course I day dream about it, and think about when my SO will propose. But that doesn't mean it's realistic to happen right now. When I think back to how I was when I was 18 I was a completely different person. Sure there's always stories of couples who have made it. My SO's parents got married at 18 and they're still together. But, just think it through. No need to rush. Your life is ahead of you.

[Dziubka]

I agree with Moon.
I'm sort of in a similar situation. We're planning our wedding for January 2014. But there's really no need for us to be engaged now. If you two already know that you're going to get married, there's no need to rush into things. So what if other people say "if"? Or if not everyone immediately sees you're taken? A wedding/engagement should really be about you two and not about other people.
There's still years until the wedding and for you to be engaged. If you want to loosely start planning you can do it anyway, without an official engagement.
We're in fact looking at a possible venue this Sunday with my boyfriend's mum and we've looked into rings and dresses before and discussed how we'll fly/drive in my family.
We discuss it a lot actually. Our wedding and our future children are probably among the things we talk about most and we're really looking forward to being a family, but at the same time there's no need to rush into things that we're not ready for.

[Zephii]

You haven't been together a year yet. Chillax man.

Engagement isn't the simple romantic thing tv makes it out to be. It's serious. And you need to know exactly why you are doing it, just as you need to know why you are getting married. And, "I love him" is not the right answer to that question. There needs to be a lot more than love to make a good marriage. I know you didn't want to hear that, but I hope you'll take it to heart anyway.

[jaimie14]

You haven't been together a year yet. Chillax man.

Engagement isn't the simple romantic thing tv makes it out to be. It's serious. And you need to know exactly why you are doing it, just as you need to know why you are getting married. And, "I love him" is not the right answer to that question. There needs to be a lot more than love to make a good marriage. I know you didn't want to hear that, but I hope you'll take it to heart anyway.

I'm sorry.. what is the right answer?? Because we're compatible? Because he's the most important thing in my life? To me that all falls under "Love"


I understand many of your points and they are valid. But this was just a rant. Something to just get out that was brought into my head by a stupid dream I had. I don't want to pressure or rush him. I know it will happen in due time. And I know its about us, not the rest of the world. But guess what? Those people you deal with everyday (parents etc) do matter. And when you can't have certain privelliges bc you're not married/engaged in your families' eyes, it is very frustrating. So that does have some influence.

As for how long we've been together, that doesn't mean anything. Honestly. It doesn't. Every relationship is different and the only people who can understand it are the 2 people involved. I know couples who have been together for 3 months before engagement/marriage and are STILL together, I also know a couple who was together 7 years before getting married, and 3 years after their wedding, are getting divorced... So age and longevity of relationship, in my opinion, don't have much to do with when the time is right.


Why am I too young to consider marriage? Back in the day this was prime age for marriage, just because women are more independent these days doesn't mean love should suffer, yet it definitely does. I feel as if I am being judged. I know you just mean most of this as constructive type criticism, and I appreciate that, but also, remember, what is right for you might not be what is right for someone else.

See, to me an engagement is just a formal promise ring... To me, its just reinforcing our plans. Just because we're engaged does not mean we have to gt married in a year or even two... or even start planning right away.

Also, I don't appreciate being told I'm pressuring him because we've only had one conversation about a timeline... we talk about being engaged alll the time, but not like when or anything. I am not pressuring him at all. I've kept this all to myself until this morning when I typed it out, so YOU can cool YOUR jets, thank you.

[Zephii]

Why am I too young to consider marriage?

Maybe because the chemicals in your brain that help define who you are aren't even finished developing yet? Thank you science

[Silviar]

I understand many of your points and they are valid. But this was just a rant. Something to just get out that was brought into my head by a stupid dream I had. I don't want to pressure or rush him. I know it will happen in due time. And I know its about us, not the rest of the world. But guess what? Those people you deal with everyday (parents etc) do matter. And when you can't have certain privelliges bc you're not married/engaged in your families' eyes, it is very frustrating. So that does have some influence.

According to you, the engagement is important because it will provide you with certain privileges. The problem is that getting engaged won't change people's minds. People think what they want to think, and unfortunately a ring is not going to make that magically change. A lot of things can happen between getting engaged and married (NOT saying it will, just that it can and does), and unfortunately, telling people you're going to get married doesn't guarantee change.

As for how long we've been together, that doesn't mean anything. Honestly. It doesn't. Every relationship is different and the only people who can understand it are the 2 people involved. I know couples who have been together for 3 months before engagement/marriage and are STILL together, I also know a couple who was together 7 years before getting married, and 3 years after their wedding, are getting divorced... So age and longevity of relationship, in my opinion, don't have much to do with when the time is right.


Why am I too young to consider marriage? Back in the day this was prime age for marriage, just because women are more independent these days doesn't mean love should suffer, yet it definitely does. I feel as if I am being judged. I know you just mean most of this as constructive type criticism, and I appreciate that, but also, remember, what is right for you might not be what is right for someone else.

If you recognize these are valid points, then why are you getting bent out of shape about them? By doing so it only reinforces the concerns about emotional maturity touched on in this thread.

See, to me an engagement is just a formal promise ring... To me, its just reinforcing our plans. Just because we're engaged does not mean we have to gt married in a year or even two... or even start planning right away.

Also, I don't appreciate being told I'm pressuring him because we've only had one conversation about a timeline... we talk about being engaged alll the time, but not like when or anything. I am not pressuring him at all. I've kept this all to myself until this morning when I typed it out, so YOU can cool YOUR jets, thank you.

Maybe the ring isn't the end all be all, but the focus in your rant has been about getting a ring and being engaged, to show you're taken. A ring will never show the commitment, love, strength, or seriousness of a relationship to some people - it is just a piece of jewelry - a beautiful priced lump of metal occasionally adorned with minerals. It's pretty easy to shout you're taken with your actions, words, life...

I realize that there's a lot of frustration how people in your life are treating your relationship, but perhaps instead of getting upset with people saying "If" rather than "when" you get engaged, you should be happy they acknowledge the seriousness of your relationship enough to mention that they can see it happening.

The poster above weren't in any way personally attacking in their comments, nor were they rude, so I suggest that if this is a topic that continues to cause you to react rather than respond to people's thoughts and suggestions - if you cannot take them as the care and concern for you as they were meant to be - then perhaps you should spend some time letting your anger out elsewhere in private.

[jaimie14]

Maybe because the chemicals in your brain that help define who you are aren't even finished developing yet? Thank you science

I know who I am... I know what I want... everyone develops at a different rate.

[jaimie14]

According to you, the engagement is important because it will provide you with certain privileges. The problem is that getting engaged won't change people's minds. People think what they want to think, and unfortunately a ring is not going to make that magically change. A lot of things can happen between getting engaged and married (NOT saying it will, just that it can and does), and unfortunately, telling people you're going to get married doesn't guarantee change.




If you recognize these are valid points, then why are you getting bent out of shape about them? By doing so it only reinforces the concerns about emotional maturity touched on in this thread.



Maybe the ring isn't the end all be all, but the focus in your rant has been about getting a ring and being engaged, to show you're taken. A ring will never show the commitment, love, strength, or seriousness of a relationship to some people - it is just a piece of jewelry - a beautiful priced lump of metal occasionally adorned with minerals. It's pretty easy to shout you're taken with your actions, words, life...

I realize that there's a lot of frustration how people in your life are treating your relationship, but perhaps instead of getting upset with people saying "If" rather than "when" you get engaged, you should be happy they acknowledge the seriousness of your relationship enough to mention that they can see it happening.

The poster above weren't in any way personally attacking in their comments, nor were they rude, so I suggest that if this is a topic that continues to cause you to react rather than respond to people's thoughts and suggestions - if you cannot take them as the care and concern for you as they were meant to be - then perhaps you should spend some time letting your anger out elsewhere in private.

You're correct. I overreacted and I apologize. I just felt as if I was being told my POV was undeiably wrong... I was wrong in feelng that way. I just want to be sure to point out that everyone's relationship is differnt... it's not cookie cutter.

And while I see that I came off as seeing engagement only as a way to shout it out to the world, I see it and and know it is much more than that...

But having a formal engagement definitely does make a difference in how people would treat our relationship... I've had my mom be like "Well when you're engaged..." or whatever. Trust me, I in no way want to rush my love into anything. He has his dreams and carreer he's persuing, and I will not let anything get in his way. To do so would be extremely selfish of me.

[lucybelle]

Why am I too young to consider marriage? Back in the day this was prime age for marriage,

Yeah back in the day they used to blood-let to cure the common cold...

The world changes, you have to change with it.

[jaimie14]

Yeah back in the day they used to blood-let to cure the common cold...

The world changes, you have to change with it.

harsh much? im pretty sure medical advances and one *thinking* about marriage is impossible to be compared.

there's a difference in advances in healthcare and social norms. now by saying this, im not arguing that bc back in the day slavery was ok it is now... but i guess i feel like if there are shows glorifying teen pregnancy... well, then considering an engagement isn't absolutely horrible