Are we crazy? :/

[thisisme]

My SO always talks to me about getting married, and when we're together (in person) he talks about it even more. I love the idea and stuff and I really want to, too. But are we crazy to want to be engaged at this age? (mid-teens) :/

[Zephii]

To want to be engaged? Not at all.
To actually do it? Yes.

There's no such thing as being too young to know real love or any of that shit, but marriage is a lot more than just love. It's a binding legal insitution. It's a big leap, even more so if you're religious. It's expensive and stressful and serious. It's about knowing exactly what you want - and that someone else can provide that - every day for the rest of your life, and that's a tough call to make. You know yourself better once you stop developing though, which is why waiting is not a bad idea.

I'm still in love with the boy I loved at 17 years old, however, we're both very different people now than we were that many years ago - we're just lucky we grew together rather than apart.

YMMV

[blankita719]

At the risk of being flamed away by other young members of this site, a little, yes. Please, please, please trust me when I tell you that the things you want out of life right now are not at all the same as what you want out of life by the time you reach your twenties or thirties.

I understand that the thought of loving each other forever seems romantic and exciting, but real life is hard, and it takes a lot of work for a marriage (or even a long term relationship) to succeed. You have to be able to grow together and at your age, you likely have not learned the life skills to manage this. I don't want to say it never works out when a couple gets together at such a young age but I really can only think of one example and that would be my grandparents. But that was a very different time and they have a very different mindset about relationships than most people now.

I hope this does not come off as mean or condescending in any way, I just want you to hear from some one who was engaged at a younger age (22) and I've seen in action what happens when you grow apart as you grow older.

[LadyMarchHare]

I agree with Zephii, there's nothing wrong with aspiring towards an eventual engagement and marriage, but actually going through with it right now is not the greatest idea. You guys are young and still have growing up to do as well as individual futures to decide along with your future as a couple. Go through that together, see where life takes you, and if you feel it's still right then you can pursue it. Just because you're engaged doesn't mean you have to get married right away. My cousin proposed to his fiance after she graduated high school and they've been engaged the entire 7 years she went through Pharmacy school. Even now that she's graduated they still haven't settled a date, but they have plans for other things in their life that go before getting married.

[Mizpah]

There's nothing wrong with being committed, but when you're still discovering and developing, it is a little fool-hardy to take that commitment to the next level. I got engaged for the first time when I was eighteen. Big mistake. My parents married when they were seventeen and eighteen. While they are still married, and happy together. They weren't always, and stunted each other's maturity as well as limiting each other educationally. Neither of them went to college because they were too busy with the responsibilities that come with marriage and adult life. They wish they had waited to marry, but don't regret marrying each other. So dream away, make your relationship a stronghold, and aspire toward that goal. However, do not set anything in stone now. Enjoy being in love, dating, and being a couple And if the urge gets really strong, commitment/promise rings!

[LadyMarchHare]

At the risk of being flamed away by other young members of this site, a little, yes. Please, please, please trust me when I tell you that the things you want out of life right now are not at all the same as what you want out of life by the time you reach your twenties or thirties.

I understand that the thought of loving each other forever seems romantic and exciting, but real life is hard, and it takes a lot of work for a marriage (or even a long term relationship) to succeed. You have to be able to grow together and at your age, you likely have not learned the life skills to manage this. I don't want to say it never works out when a couple gets together at such a young age but I really can only think of one example and that would be my grandparents. But that was a very different time and they have a very different mindset about relationships than most people now.

I hope this does not come off as mean or condescending in any way, I just want you to hear from some one who was engaged at a younger age (22) and I've seen in action what happens when you grow apart as you grow older.

Not arguing as you have made valid points, but I do want to point out that stupidity/ignorance regarding love and marriage can occur when older, it's not reserved for those in their teens or twenties. (I'd give an example but, well, it's not nice to call your own mother stupid for the sake of making a point) Statistically speaking those who get married young have a higher chance for divorce or marital problems in general, but statistics don't really cover everybody no matter how many people you interview for the stats. I think what matters more is that both parties involved know the gravity of marriage and the reality of everything it entails beyond the Hollywood "Happily Ever After No Matter What".

[Brandie]

Not at all! My boyfriend and I are 19 and we talk about getting married ALL THE TIME, we talk about our future, our future kids, our future house together, everything! I don't think there is an age where it's inappropriate to talk about marriage, but I do think there is an age that maybe may not be the best time to get married, of course I would hope that you wouldn't actually get engaged being a mid-teenager, but to talk about it, I think that's really sweet!

[blankita719]

Not arguing as you have made valid points, but I do want to point out that stupidity/ignorance regarding love and marriage can occur when older, it's not reserved for those in their teens or twenties. (I'd give an example but, well, it's not nice to call your own mother stupid for the sake of making a point) Statistically speaking those who get married young have a higher chance for divorce or marital problems in general, but statistics don't really cover everybody no matter how many people you interview for the stats. I think what matters more is that both parties involved know the gravity of marriage and the reality of everything it entails beyond the Hollywood "Happily Ever After No Matter What".

I actually edited out some of what I was going to say, because I agree with you...My ex is an excellent example of that and he is 37 years old. Really my point was just that when you are younger, you have different ideas of what the future holds. And that might be generalizing but I personally don't known many, if any at all, people who haven't changed as they got older. Growing together is something they don't teach you in school - it comes from experience.

[Mizpah]

I actually edited out some of what I was going to say, because I agree with you...My ex is an excellent example of that and he is 37 years old. Really my point was just that when you are younger, you have different ideas of what the future holds. And that might be generalizing but I personally don't known many, if any at all, people who haven't changed as they got older. Growing together is something they don't teach you in school - it comes from experience.

I agree with this, and the rest is kind of a response to this and LMH. I am not saying that love is reserved for older people, but I do think that marriage should be reserved for those who have given themselves time to grow and develop as individuals before becoming one with another person. A part of being young is that you THINK you have it all figured out, and while your love might be real, it might not be the love you would choose when older and more settled-in-self. I was always a more-mature-than-my-peers sort, and so I kind of got haughty because of that. I thought I was so ready for love, marriage, and all that came with it. I wasn't really in love with my ex, our relationship wasn't what I thought it was, and while I might have been ready for commitment I wasn't ready for marriage...especially not with my now-ex. I was twenty when I married Aaron, still young, but much older and more experienced me and thus a much more independent and settled-in-self person. It took three years for me to realize that, and to give myself the time to grow and develop (for me that meant ending my worsening relationship). And at the end of my journey of self-discovery (or more a crossroads, and the journey I took down my choice path, because the journey and changes have been coming all my life, and will continue to) I met my real true love, my husband. That was my personal experience, so the OP (and those in her situation) might be with the right person, but this is more about an issue of the right time.

[LadyMarchHare]

I agree with this, and the rest is kind of a response to this and LMH. I am not saying that love is reserved for older people, but I do think that marriage should be reserved for those who have given themselves time to grow and develop as individuals before becoming one with another person. A part of being young is that you THINK you have it all figured out, and while your love might be real, it might not be the love you would choose when older and more settled-in-self. I was always a more-mature-than-my-peers sort, and so I kind of got haughty because of that. I thought I was so ready for love, marriage, and all that came with it. I wasn't really in love with my ex, our relationship wasn't what I thought it was, and while I might have been ready for commitment I wasn't ready for marriage...especially not with my now-ex. I was twenty when I married Aaron, still young, but much older and more experienced me and thus a much more independent and settled-in-self person. It took three years for me to realize that, and to give myself the time to grow and develop (for me that meant ending my worsening relationship). And at the end of my journey of self-discovery (or more a crossroads, and the journey I took down my choice path, because the journey and changes have been coming all my life, and will continue to) I met my real true love, my husband. That was my personal experience, so the OP (and those in her situation) might be with the right person, but this is more about an issue of the right time.

Oh no doubt, I don't think anyone's contesting thisisme to being with the wrong guy, but I think we can all agree that as of right now actual action towards engagement or marriage is not the road to take. There's still tons of room for personal development and so on that to clamp everything now might be more harm than good. Everybody changes all the time, change is the only constant in life. Lord knows what I wanted last year is not what I want now. Who's to say what I want now will be the same as what I want next year, or even just six months from now? Your youth is the time to explore and grow, not hunker down and get ready to grow old and be a soccer mom or anything.

blankita: I agree with that as well. I'm 21, I still have growing to do even if I sometimes think I can handle the big bad world of reality sometimes. But, you learn from mistakes and you keep on going. Just sometimes it's better if said mistake is not an expensive and nasty divorce.

[Mizpah]

Oh no doubt, I don't think anyone's contesting thisisme to being with the wrong guy, but I think we can all agree that as of right now actual action towards engagement or marriage is not the road to take. There's still tons of room for personal development and so on that to clamp everything now might be more harm than good. Everybody changes all the time, change is the only constant in life. Lord knows what I wanted last year is not what I want now. Who's to say what I want now will be the same as what I want next year, or even just six months from now? Your youth is the time to explore and grow, not hunker down and get ready to grow old and be a soccer mom or anything.

blankita: I agree with that as well. I'm 21, I still have growing to do even if I sometimes think I can handle the big bad world of reality sometimes. But, you learn from mistakes and you keep on going. Just sometimes it's better if said mistake is not an expensive and nasty divorce.

Agreed. I also came to realize I WANTED love, marriage, and family. I just didn't want them, nor did I find them, with my ex. He was wrong for me in every way, treated me worse and worse, and quite possibly is truly insane. That aside, I was blinded by what I wanted, and needed. I wanted all of that, and I know that really I would have been using him if I hadn't ended it as an escape from a bad home situation that was at its worst when we were together. So really, I would have been using him to create what I lacked at home, and needed. That wouldn't have satisfied either of us. I wouldn't have realized this, grown, or come to find real love and and family if I hadn't given myself that chance to change and develop.

[amartnotkmart]

Not at all! My boyfriend and I are 19 and we talk about getting married ALL THE TIME, we talk about our future, our future kids, our future house together, everything! I don't think there is an age where it's inappropriate to talk about marriage, but I do think there is an age that maybe may not be the best time to get married, of course I would hope that you wouldn't actually get engaged being a mid-teenager, but to talk about it, I think that's really sweet!

Wow, you took almost exactly what I was going to say. XD
My advice would be to wait for both of you to have college degrees before tying the knot. That's my plan, at least. Baby steps, start with a promise ring.

[thisisme]

Wow, you took almost exactly what I was going to say. XD
My advice would be to wait for both of you to have college degrees before tying the knot. That's my plan, at least. Baby steps, start with a promise ring.

It's been hinted haha and with the big 1 year anniversary coming up I won't be surprised if a promise ring appears!

Thanks to everyone for the advice I really appreciate it
The situation being that he would like to be engaged in a few years, after we've had time to live together and then even later get married. Not right away of course, I personally would like to wait until I'm into my twenties (but this is coming from the girl who doesn't want kids til my early thirties haha)
Thank you for the advice it means a lot to hear about people's experiences.

[Mizpah]

It's been hinted haha and with the big 1 year anniversary coming up I won't be surprised if a promise ring appears!

Thanks to everyone for the advice I really appreciate it
The situation being that he would like to be engaged in a few years, after we've had time to live together and then even later get married. Not right away of course, I personally would like to wait until I'm into my twenties (but this is coming from the girl who doesn't want kids til my early thirties haha)
Thank you for the advice it means a lot to hear about people's experiences.

That's wise of you both I'm glad you're not rushing into anything, and that you were able to take away something from our posts.

[ThatChrisHahn]

I know where you're coming from with being young. I'm 18 and I've been with my girl since I was 14. And we've been completely and utterly in love the whole way. But we always talk about how we can't wait to get married and to be honest? We would if everyone would be okay with it. But like the reasons people state here, most people aren't okay with it. So we met half way.

We did an unofficial engagement. I told her I was going to ask her to marry me and we both agreed that to us, we would act and feel like we were engaged, but we wouldn't broadcast it to the world. I did the whole getting down on one knee when we were alone one night and we even have rings ($10 rings, but still rings) So it's a way for us to know we really and truly love each other and want to spend our lives together without having people saying you're being crazy. And if something terrible happens and it ends up not working out, there's no need to go through a divorce. This is just my two cents on the subject, but it works for us.