He was thinking about popping the question until.....

[emforever]

Apparently he was thinking about asking me to marry him until we got in a HUGE fight. We almost broke up for good and we did in fact take a "break" for a week. The root of our fight is him not listening like I feel he should and also he is now thinking of getting a PHD instead of just a master's, which means an extra 1.5-2 years apart. It seems like every time things start to get really serious, things start to fall apart. :/ I hope this doesn't keep happening! Has something like this happened to anyone else? Has something else come up in your relationship to keep you from getting engaged?

I'd also love any feedback on my situation, but I really would love to hear other's stories!

[Mara]

I'm pretty sure we were on the brink of getting engaged in February, but then we had some pretty huge fights. We've been doing good lately, but we got into a little tiff today so I don't know. I'm glad he hasn't asked me yet though because I do believe you should ask at a point that both people and the relationship has stabilized. My SO is thinking about furthering his education [which will mean more time apart] so I know how you feel. I've been very supportive though as I imagine you have been because nothing lasts forever.

[Tanja]

I don't know anything about you or your relationship so I can't give any specific advice... But I do think that you shouldn't get engaged until you're both happy and the relationship is stable and has been for a while.

Big steps like engagement or moving in can cause a lot of friction and tension even though they both should be happy events. In that case I suggest you wait a bit longer until you're both ready to commit because right now it seems like maybe you aren't quite there yet.

Also you can't be mad or accuse him if he wants to study more because he is building a foundation for the future and the better degree he's got the better are the chances he'll get a good, steady job, which means you'll have a stable life. It's all in your benefit as well so you have to be supportive even though you wouldn't want to be.

You could ask him if he could do the PHd in a Uni that's closer to you. Other than that there's not much you can do unless you're willing to move closer to him.

[emforever]

I'm really okay with not being engaged, right now. I'm just worried problems are always going to come up to prevent it from happening. The PHD alone doesn't upset me, it is just that with all our other problems I am not as inclined to be as accepting of the PHD. I want him to do what he wants but I want our other problems worked out id we are going to have a LDR longer than expected :/ I really do want to be supportive.

[Sloppy Joe]

Sometimes the cause of fights is the fact that one or both of the parties involved comes off as confrontational. I know maybe you're trying to communicate your thoughts and feelings and maybe he's coming off as a jerk. But first thing I would personally recommend is taking a step back and analyzing how you're approaching him with this information. How are you verbalizing it? How is it being said? In what mood and mindset are you? In what mood is he?

Many-a-psychiatrist will tell you to always try to use the word "feel" when communicating and to reinforce that you understand the other persons position, but you "feel" this way and you can't help it.

For instance: "John (or whatever his name), I know you always try to do the best to make me happy, but sometimes I feel like you don't always listen to what I'm saying."

And be willing to take some blame too. If you cast blame without taking some, it feels like you're saying "your the problem and you better fix it until I'm happy"

For example: "I can understand that it's probably partly my fault too. Maybe I'm just not explaining myself right."

And then you should try to find a fix, but put yourself at the center of the equation first.

For example: "Is there any way we can fix this? Is there any way you feel I can better communicate my thoughts with you so that I can be clearer and make sure there's less confusion between us? I really want to be able to express what I'm thinking to you without me or you getting frustrated over it."

And then just see what he says. That's my advice. However, here's a disclaimer.... I'm not a doctor or a psychiatrist. I've never had any training in the social sciences and I'm not certified in any field of communications. I'm just someone who's experienced personal problems with the way I communicate with some people and have learned that sometimes I have to first look at how I'm coming across instead of purely focusing on how the other person is reacting.

[emforever]

I really appreciate your feedback Sloppy Joe I did end up talking to him like that. I have definitely found talking in direct works better than anything else.

[Deleted Account]

I found this link while looking for wedding invitations, if you look in google for the best wedding invitation, this one comes up repeatedly. But if you read the whole thing, you can tell, they had a long long distance relationship with lots of ups and downs.. but finally they managed to be together.

https://free.bridal-shower-themes.co...ons-ever_2.jpg

Morale of the story: It might not take you as long as it did them, but the most important thing is that you both love each other and are willing to do all the necessary sacrifices to ensure a wonderful future together. It might mean a little more time apart but you will both definitely find a moment to finally settle down and enjoy your lives together.

[Summer]

As someone with a SO in a (far away) Ph.D. program right now, before thinking about marriage, it is REALLY important that you guys get on the same page about future and career goals. Him going for a Ph.D. doesn't mean just 2 more years apart - what is he going to do with the Ph.D.? If he is going for an academic appointment, you would essentially be signing up for a future of either long-distance or moving around the country to follow him to wherever he was able to get a job. The market for academic Ph.D.s right now is REALLY tough, and it's hard to over-emphasize the strain on the relationship that the career path can cause. If he's in a field with a better job market, like is considering going into industry or tech fields, you might have an easier time. But if you're really thinking about marriage, you need to start thinking beyond the next 1-2 years. JMO of course. Have you guys talked about the future? About your careers? Where you would like to live? Children? Money? If he really wants to get his Ph.D., is it not a possibility for you to move near him?

BF and I are kind of on the brink of getting engaged. However, at the moment, we both want to be professors, we both want to have children, and we both want our children to grow up in a two-parent home. Those three goals are not easily compatible, and so we are holding off on getting married until we clarify our career/personal goals and priorities. If we are not willing to sacrifice in at least one of those areas, it wouldn't make sense for us to get married, because we would just be setting ourselves up for future disappointment. We have been dating 8 years.

[misscaitlin906]

Just make sure the relationship is stable and that you guys are able to support yourselves. You may be able to live together while he's working toward his higher education but then again you might have to make sacrifices to do so. Maybe you can both come up with a compromise?