To wed? Or not to wed?

[jiynx]

I've been having a constant battle in my head for the past several weeks.

My SO really wants to marry me because he says he knows he wants to spend the rest of our lives together and all that jazz. Another super perk is that he could just move here and we can start our lives together. It's looking like the only way he can move here with me, is if he gets accepted to a college here. But international schooling is ridiculously expensive and he's not even sure what he wants to be yet. I don't want to move down to the US, because I found a school that I'm in love with (I'd be going for 2 years). So, if we got married, we could work for a while and save up for school... together. There's a HUGE part of me that is saying go for it.

But there's this other part that says no, not yet. My family would have a fit for starters (biggest reason), I'm 19 (is this too young?), and we've only been official for 5 months now. I've been brought up believing that I should wait at least 2 if not 3 years before getting married to make sure they are the one. But I know that he is the one. For sure. I've dated my fair share of guys and nothing, relationship or not, has made me feel this way before.

What do you guys think? Would it be so crazy to go for it? Or is this taboo to even think it?

[SDPersona]

Personally, I'd not even think about getting married, if I were 19 years old. Not even if my SO is wanting to marry me and definitely not if we were only official for 5 months. I'd tell my SO to put off the marriage topic and think about it again after we've spent a year together as a couple. If we're still on the same page concerning wanting to spend the rest of our lives together and all that jazz by then, then I'd say: Yes, I do!

As for that family thing, I wouldn't know what to do in that matter. I used to think that I wouldn't even listen to my family if I'd find a man they don't approve of or whatever has them in a fit and marry him anyway, because I'm the one who has to live with the man and with the decision I made. Now I think differently. No matter what decision I make, I know that I am a family girl and life is so much tougher if you have your family going against your decision and not supporting you in that way. Marriage isn't only about two people in love that want to show the world they belong to each other, but also about joining two families. That's what I think.

Just what I'd do if I were in your shoes!

[Silviar]

If you have any doubt or hesitancy, then don't do it. Period. A 'wait' can always be changed to a 'yes', but it's extremely difficult to change a 'yes' to a 'no.' At five months, it's a wonderful, grand journey you've begun together, but it takes far more time to get to see how things will evolve in your relationship and how you will handle life together as a team.

I was married for just under three years to my ex-husband, and I loved him very much - but there were many other issues that I did not realize were issues until it was too late and I had already said "I do." Counseling, talking, and every other matter of trying to solve our problems couldn't change the fact that we hadn't had enough time together to figure each other out. And that's because despite the fact that we were both very smart people, there are some things that cannot be rushed, and there are some things that require time to unfold. No matter how much you want to hurry things along or jell it nice and solid, time in a relationship, and all the benefits it brings, simply cannot be rushed.

Spend some time researching other visas and options, and keep talking, keep planning. Keep living and loving. It will sort itself out in time. I'm from the US, my SO is Australian - in order to get to spend time properly together before tying the knot, I moved here on a working holiday visa, which gives me time to apply for a permanent resident as a defacto partner. And if it doesn't work out for some reason, I can still pack myself up and head home. It doesn't mean I expect it to fail, but taking care of one's self is just as important as taking care of a relationship. And I did it so I wouldn't have to rely on my SO to be an independent adult here.

Good luck, and give yourself as much time as you need to think about it.

---------- Post added at 04:08 AM ---------- Previous post was at 04:08 AM ----------

If you have any doubt or hesitancy, then don't do it. Period. A 'wait' can always be changed to a 'yes', but it's extremely difficult to change a 'yes' to a 'no.' At five months, it's a wonderful, grand journey you've begun together, but it takes far more time to get to see how things will evolve in your relationship and how you will handle life together as a team.

I was married for just under three years to my ex-husband, and I loved him very much - but there were many other issues that I did not realize were issues until it was too late and I had already said "I do." Counseling, talking, and every other matter of trying to solve our problems couldn't change the fact that we hadn't had enough time together to figure each other out. And that's because despite the fact that we were both very smart people, there are some things that cannot be rushed, and there are some things that require time to unfold. No matter how much you want to hurry things along or jell it nice and solid, time in a relationship, and all the benefits it brings, simply cannot be rushed.

Spend some time researching other visas and options, and keep talking, keep planning. Keep living and loving. It will sort itself out in time. I'm from the US, my SO is Australian - in order to get to spend time properly together before tying the knot, I moved here on a working holiday visa, which gives me time to apply for a permanent resident as a defacto partner. And if it doesn't work out for some reason, I can still pack myself up and head home. It doesn't mean I expect it to fail, but taking care of one's self is just as important as taking care of a relationship. And I did it so I wouldn't have to rely on my SO to be an independent adult here.

Good luck, and give yourself as much time as you need to think about it.

[Sloppy Joe]

I can't really recommend something to you, in part, because I don't know the extent of your feelings together and all that. However, I will say that everyone is different and to really make the right decision about marriage you have to take into account who the both of you are and what your upbringings were.

My SO and I are going on several years together now. We know we won't be married until the end of this year. It works for us and any sooner would have been too soon. Well, she wouldn't have minded sooner, but she understands why we should wait. We have other life issues we have to handle before we get there. Anyway, my grandparents only dated for a few months before getting engaged, however they come from a different era where morals and ethics were different.

Certain things you should look at are this (for the both of you): What are your individual morals and beliefs? Are your parents separated or divorced? If divorced, how many times? How many influences do you have in your lives that will help push you guys to stay together and work together even when times are tough?

These questions are important because the less examples of a "good marriage" you have in your life, the less ready you'll be for marriage. Statistics for divorce start to sky rocket if your parents have been divorced, whether once or several times. They also increase when you don't have any common, deep ethical and moral foundations between the two of you. And while school and money and preparedness are all important things to figure out and get a grasp on in a relationship, the things that really keep a couple together can't be quantified, because it really depends on what's inside your heart and what you've been through in your life.

I wish the best for you though no matter your decision.

[snow_girl]

I met my ex at 18 we were together for three years and I thought he was the one. Needless to say he wasn't. I know you think he is the right one for you, but it has only been 5 months, you can't possibly know who he is. I still learn new things about my SO and we've been together for 1.5 yrs. I know you are eager to be together, but if you think you are going to be together for the rest of your lives waiting a couple years is only going to look like a little speed bump in your journey.

[lucybelle]

I agree with everyone else who has posted. Of course there's exceptions of couples who met and one week later were married and are celebrating their 50th anniversary. But, that's a minority. You need to take it slow. Don't get pressured into doing a marriage "just because". Even though I'm for convenience marriages (for visa reasons), I think you need to be very mature to make that type of decision. Like Silviar, my SO and I found ways to be together without getting married. He's here on a 6 month tourist visa, then I'll be going to his home country on a tourist visa and hopefully get sponsored for a work visa. If things don't work out I really don't want to have to go through divorce paper work (plus the fiance visa paperwork that would have to be done first!)

And your family is right-- 19 is young. You don't feel young. Of course not. But you are. I'm only 24 and in 5 years I have changed to be a completely different person. I had a boyfriend at 19 that I was sure I was going to marry. Now we are so different I can't believe we were ever together. Take your time and live your life. Good luck!

[hillke]

I think it's really easy for those of us that are older (I'm only 21 so I don't count myself in that) to discount your relationship because you are young and we've all been there, which I think must be awfully discouraging. You're really the only person that can decide whether you're ready to get married. Personally, I think if you have any doubts at all, and you want our opinions, it's not time yet.

[Silviar]

I think it's really easy for those of us that are older (I'm only 21 so I don't count myself in that) to discount your relationship because you are young and we've all been there, which I think must be awfully discouraging. You're really the only person that can decide whether you're ready to get married. Personally, I think if you have any doubts at all, and you want our opinions, it's not time yet.

Perhaps I'm missing something, but I don't see anyone discounting the OP's relationship due to her age.

[blferguson1s]

Personally, I would hold off on marriage. As previously said, if you're meant to be together, you can wait and get married in a couple of years. I was always told not to get married before I have my college degree. My parents married right out of high school, and it has been difficult. Going back to school when you have a house, kids, and jobs is one of the hardest ways to do it. I would love to marry my SO today, but we both know it'll be better if we wait. I have 2 years left of college while he just graduated. We won't even get engaged for another year, and marriage is the Fall after I graduate at the earliest. We both want to be established a little better in life before we jump into marriage. Just something to consider.

[jiynx]

You guys are very wise haha.

I forgot to mention that I've known him for just over 3 years now. So it's not like I don't know a bundle about him already.

[Summer]

Just because you know a lot about him right now doesn't mean you know what he will be like in 3, 4, 10 years... the teens and twenties are a period of HUGE changes. You guys might be the absolute perfect couple right now, but as you grow older, you might realize that you want to move in different directions - family, careers, financial goals, geography, hobbies, lifestyle... there is really a lot to marriage beyond just finding love. if you're not sure right now, why not wait? As you both grow and change together, you are likely to better understand what you want from each other and from the relationship. That could very well give you the confidence you'd need to feel good about such a big decision

[jiynx]

Well, I know he was kind of pressuring me (he didn't mean to of course, and we talked it out). But we decided to go the work visa way. So at least we can live together for a while before making that big of a decision. It's hard right now, but it'll get easier. And once this is all over and we're old and grey, we can have a stable relationship based on getting through all this. Thank you so much guys.