Are we? can we? be engaged?

[leonsfangirl]

I've been involved with my SO for nearly 3 years, I'm 28 and he's 39.We love each other dearly but we haven't meet yet and were just over 4000 miles apart (international ldr)
However, i asked him to marry me (actually i asked him to come and grow old with me) i didnt plan on it just happened and he said yes but added we should take it one step at a time which i understand given our situation. We have talked about our future together alot and even made jokes about racing our mobility scooters.

I guess what I'm saying is as we havent meet yet can we/should we be engaged??

I am so SOOOOOO happy about this yet i don't think anyone will understand or think we're doing the right thing.

[Karringtyn]

We KNEW we were going to be married before we met face to face. And that includes webcam. Some things just WORK. Follow that heart.

[Sunbeam]

^Agreed.

My S.O. and I haven't met yet, but we KNOW we're "the ones" for each other. Follow your heart, and I wish you the best!

[leonsfangirl]

Thank you both

I'm 100% certain that he is where my future lies and we just have wait for our chance but sometimes it just feels like a fairytale, or as he put it a love of Shakespearian proportions and we have a hard time excepting that as weve both had bad experiences.

Besides... i really want the Alumni badge

---------- Post added at 09:34 AM ---------- Previous post was at 09:34 AM ----------

Thank you both

I'm 100% certain that he is where my future lies and we just have wait for our chance but sometimes it just feels like a fairytale, or as he put it a love of Shakespearian proportions and we have a hard time excepting that as weve both had bad experiences.

Besides... i really want the Alumni badge

[Moon]

I guess I'll be the voice of dissent, sorry about that I wouldn't call myself engaged before I met in person. No matter how many zillions of hours you've spent talking, it is different once you meet. Sometimes it's even better, but sometimes the chemistry just isn't there. That's not a matter of the heart, but biology speaking to you, and chemistry is either something you have or you don't, it's very much dependent on our genes, here's a little bit of an explanation... https://people.howstuffworks.com/framed.htm?parent=love.htm&url=https://www.bbc.co.uk/science/hottopics/love/
I know that isn't exactly romantic, but if your genes are very compatible, your chemistry isn't.

I'm also in an international LDR, and before we met, as much as we liked each other, we were very careful about it until meeting. We knew each other for 4 years, and were doing whatever it was we were doing for 7 months before I flew over, and never called ourselves as officially even dating, just in case we just didn't click in person. That's not to say that's the "right" way, just our way I guess I'm just saying be cautious, as it's even more heartbreaking to lose a fiance than a boyfriend, or some guy you're dating, you know?

I'll be the first to admit that I'm not that romantic, or emotional, I fall into the logical, head-over-heart side, but I just would hate to see any plans you make get crushed before your eyes, and see you any more hurt than necessary. I can tell you from experience, being with the one you love isn't the same as talking for a limited time everyday, it can be quite different, and in my opinion anyway, it's important to know all sides of him before committing your life to him.

[FadedSunrise]

Yea, I'm going to have to agree with Moon here, even though I'm not sure how much my opinion has credibility being as this is my first relationship and first love. First of all, personally, I would not consider getting married before age 25. My parents married at 24, and I consider that super early, so I want to be at LEAST one year later. He's already 25, but he's taking a little longer to find direction, so to speak, so it may end up working out.

If I were of an age that I felt ready to get engaged, it would also have to be after dating CD for 2-3 years. Through talking regularly we have developed our emotional connection, and consider ourselves best friends who offer each other the best advice about life and can always make each other laugh. However, I feel like all of this is not the same as actually being around him regularly for the same amount of time. When I left I'd barely gotten to holding his hand once or twice, and on the day I left he stole a single kiss. I have to at least get caught up on those things, or it will feel way too awkward to think of myself as engaged to him!

Not to say that I don't like and haven't fantasized girlishly about what it would be like to be romantically intimate with my SO, but I think LD has taught me other precious things-like how to carry on my life independently, and the importance of friendships. I think I value friends more now, because its a simpler, yet equally deep connection. Or maybe I'm just logical like Moon there

[leonsfangirl]

First of all, personally, I would not consider getting married before age 25.

Lol, I'm 28

Dont apologuise! i asked for everyones opinions be they good or bad and thank you for being honest.
I've been married before and it sucks when it ends even if it wasnt working out, divorces aren't fun! And it's definitely not something i want to go through again. But it felt right at that moment to ask him so i did, i wanted to make that commitment to him,to us without even thinking about it.
My SO (the thinker in this partnership) has said we go one step at a time. We wont be rushing into any wedding planning until we meet and see if we are as compatible in person as we seem to be via the phone/laptop. I think it's going to hurt like no pain i have ever felt before should we not work out, no matter how we classify our relationship at this point as we have already invested so much emotionally.

Thanks for giving me the Thinkers point of view Moon.

[Dziubka]

I agree with everything Moon said.
I met my boyfriend offline anyway, so it's a different situation. But I don't think I could consider myself in a relationship before the in-person meeting, either. I know that you can build very deep relationships and develop feelings through the internet (or any other form of none face to face communication), but I'd be too worried that it might not work out in person after all. I've more than once met people with whom I got along great online and who theoretically would have been a perfect match, but turned out to be not right for me in person *shrug* Granted that was years ago and without webcam or even talking on the phone before, so it might not be comparable, but still.

Apart from that I guess I don't really understand what you want to be engaged for? You can have a very serious, strong and deep relationship and know that he's the one and that you want to spend your life with him, without being engaged. What would the engagement actually add to your relationship, that you don't have now?
Personally I don't see the point of getting engaged when you're not going to get married in about a year's time. To me the engagement is the point at which you start to actually plan and organize the wedding and that, depending on how complicated the wedding is going to be, is about a year before.
My boyfriend and I are planning to get married in 2014, we have the names for our children picked out, we've even decided on a few details about the wedding (invitations are going to look like train tickets - go LDR!) itself, we call our respective families "in-laws" (it actually feels weird to refer to his parents as "my boyfriend's parents" rather than "my parents in law") and we're not officially engaged (whatever that means). I don't need to put the 'engaged-label' on my relationship to make it stronger or more serious. After all, commitment depends on the people involved, not on what you label your relationship.

[Mara]

I'm not sure about this. I'm in two minds about it. The hopeless romantic side of me says that you don't necessarily need to meet someone in person to know that person is the one you want to share your life with, but the practical part of me says that you do need to meet that person in person. Really, I wouldn't even be in a relationship without meeting the person, but that's because I've seen it happen time and time again where you get along fabulously with someone online or even over the phone and then you meet and it's a whole different story.

My SO is actually an example of this. He's like a whole different person in person, luckily, a person I love and got to know for a year close distance, but we started out online then met in person and even though I loved who he was in person it was hard to reconcile that with the person he was online. I remember I kept saying his personality in person was nothing like it was online. Looking at things now, I realize even I am different online and on the phone than I am in person. I'm much more serious online or on webcam or on the phone and much less likely to display my true eccentric personality.

[Engel]

I guess I'll be the voice of dissent, sorry about that I wouldn't call myself engaged before I met in person. No matter how many zillions of hours you've spent talking, it is different once you meet. Sometimes it's even better, but sometimes the chemistry just isn't there. That's not a matter of the heart, but biology speaking to you, and chemistry is either something you have or you don't, it's very much dependent on our genes, here's a little bit of an explanation... https://people.howstuffworks.com/framed.htm?parent=love.htm&url=https://www.bbc.co.uk/science/hottopics/love/
I know that isn't exactly romantic, but if your genes are very compatible, your chemistry isn't.

I'm also in an international LDR, and before we met, as much as we liked each other, we were very careful about it until meeting. We knew each other for 4 years, and were doing whatever it was we were doing for 7 months before I flew over, and never called ourselves as officially even dating, just in case we just didn't click in person. That's not to say that's the "right" way, just our way I guess I'm just saying be cautious, as it's even more heartbreaking to lose a fiance than a boyfriend, or some guy you're dating, you know?

I'll be the first to admit that I'm not that romantic, or emotional, I fall into the logical, head-over-heart side, but I just would hate to see any plans you make get crushed before your eyes, and see you any more hurt than necessary. I can tell you from experience, being with the one you love isn't the same as talking for a limited time everyday, it can be quite different, and in my opinion anyway, it's important to know all sides of him before committing your life to him.

me and my so didnt let ourselves get attached before meeting in person because of that, sometimes the chemistry just isnt there. but in our case it was, and we fell head over hills for each other in less than a week in person, actually 3 days after he told me he loved me, hehe (but we were talking online for 2 months before meeting).
everybody works in a different way, but i wouldnt say i have a boyfriend if i never met him

---------- Post added at 05:22 AM ---------- Previous post was at 05:20 AM ----------

disclaimer: i am romantic and emotional, is just i do believe in chemistry.
and i dont think you are engaged, because techinically you didnt pop the question and neither did he, you just mentioned your intentions to grow old together, i live with my boyfriend, we all the time say how we will grow old together, and more things and i dont consider myself engaged.
not trying to sound rude, sorry if it may sound this way somehow, i sweat i dont say with any bad intentions, and sorry for being so direct

[Engel]

Apart from that I guess I don't really understand what you want to be engaged for? You can have a very serious, strong and deep relationship and know that he's the one and that you want to spend your life with him, without being engaged. What would the engagement actually add to your relationship, that you don't have now?
Personally I don't see the point of getting engaged when you're not going to get married in about a year's time. To me the engagement is the point at which you start to actually plan and organize the wedding and that, depending on how complicated the wedding is going to be, is about a year before.

i agree with this 100 per cent! i always say this to people!
my cousin asked why me and my so dont get engaged or use enagement rings..
and i was like: why for? we wont get married next year, the year after that i would consider, so starting 2012 i would be ok to be engaged, but why now without planning a wedding?
and he: it would sound more serious and bla bla bla.

i dont see a point in that, ill only get engaged when there is a wedding to plan.

[BabyKirsty]

I wouldn't say you were engaged either. You gotta meet face to face first and actually date in person because you need to really make sure this is what you want. Sadly I'm a firm believer in living together and having sex before marriage. Just because you really want to know someone before you date them. And you need to make sure they won't drive you up the wall. I was head over heels in love with my boyfriend before we met and I still am :P but I learned alot more by being together. Like I'm the hard worker and the worrier and he is the lazy laid back one. He plays video games almost obsessively sometimes and he suffers from nerd rage which drives me crazy. Plus on the sex thing. I believe sex in relationships is important and if you are incompatiable it could be a problem. I would go ahead and plan to met sometime soon because after that meeting you feel so much better actually knowing them.