Help... Need some input here

[LeilaniJoi]

I had this all written out and it was eaten with an internet hiccup. At least it lets me gather my thoughts again.. I'd love to hear from the guys on this as well if anyone is willing to give me some opinions.

I met my SO online in Second Life. Before we met in person we were engaged there, and we were married there after our first RL meeting. To say we have always been somewhat serious would be an understatement. We pretty much knew the night we met that there was something we needed to explore about this. We were both, at the time, in failing marriages and all was over except the breakup and legal paperwork. In any case, "us" had nothing to do with those breakups… they just paralleled each other in some strange ways.

Fast forward to when we met in person and remembering we were already engaged in SL, as we sat kissing hello and touching fingers… just exploring this person who we had grown so close to online he tipped my face up to his and said “I wish I could ask you to marry me” to which I smiled and said “Soon”. We had discussed this, but both knew we had a long ways to go before that was a decision for RL.

In any case, 2 months after we met in person I moved here to be closer to him. Though we didn’t plan it that way we wound up living together and I have absolutely no regrets. There was an adjustment sure, but we are closer now than ever before and both still feel like we are with our soulmates.

So what’s the problem you ask? We are both still working through divorces for various reasons. We recently moved from an apartment into his house and in the process of cleaning out junk left by his ex, I found a ton of wedding stuff she left behind. Now understand, I’m a romantic but I’ve never had a big frilly wedding. I’ve never even had an engagement ring. The wedding we had on Second Life was as close as I’ve ever come and it was very sweet – a combination of traditional ring vows and Wiccan handfasting where we basically pledged ourselves to each other through all of our lives rather than just to death do us part. (I will add that we also pledged to each other via webcam one night just prior to our meeting in person.. that was face to face more or less and omg intense.) I still read back through that transcript and the wedding transcript and feel all giggly and can’t stop smiling. Because we were together outside the game I guess it held a little more significance but we remain married there still, though we rarely if ever log in.

In any case, since I found all that stuff she left behind I cannot get my mind off of a wedding. I swore I’d never get married again but he took my feet right out from under me. I catch myself looking at dresses and things online and wondering how we can incorporate the same type of ceremony into a real life wedding. I daren’t say anything to him because I don’t want to freak him the hell out.. you know how guys are hehe… but still, I just catch myself day dreaming and doodling my “married” name and all sorts of besotted silly school girl stuff. He laughs about being “happy unmarried” from now on and I admit it stings a little, and maybe I’m just impatient… yes I do realize we need to finish the legalities we are both working on but still. Our lives now are just like a married couple in all but name... we share bills and we share finances, we discuss payments and truthfully, we have more together in 8 months time than my ex and I did in 8 years time. Am I rushing to want to hear him talk like that again and have some kind of promise?

Please shoot me.. I feel like I’m being really silly about this. I’m not mad, or upset with him.. I just can’t stop daydreaming about standing there with him and knowing we are finally one like we both feel we have been in lives past and present.

I posted this in the wedding forum rather than general because we have progressed way past the stage most are at there and I’m really looking for some insight. Am I being silly or self destructive?

Please … just.. shoot.. me… >.<

[Zephii]

All I can ask is: What's the damn rush when you have forever anyway?

Also, if you're Wiccan, you're supposed to live together a year before you marry anyway. Just take that time and enjoy it. Day dream all you like, it doesn't hurt anything.

[LeilaniJoi]

I never said I was Wiccan. He is, hence the handfasting. I'm a student of the belief system but far from proficient; however, that is not something I've heard before and I do understand there are different sects within Wicca, each a little different.

In any case, this has nothing to do with Wicca. Thank you for your insightful and though filled answer.

[LeilaniJoi]

Nevermind. I had hoped someone would have some input to help ease some frayed nerves but I was mistaken.

[snow_girl]

Nevermind. I had hoped someone would have some input to help ease some frayed nerves but I was mistaken. I won't bother to post again.

Thats a poor attitude. There are not always a lot of people on at a time to answer questions. If you are patient there are more then a ton of people here willing to help out and lend an ear

[LeilaniJoi]

apologies snow_girl. Was really having a rough time yesterday. A long ways from home, family and all my girlfriends who I could normally bounce this stuff off of. I sure didn't need a poppy reply and Zephii, if you're reply wasn't meant to be that way it sure sounded it. There are times that smart comments and brusque answers just aren't the right salve for a frazzled, aching heart.

[snow_girl]

I am very positive that Zephil wasn't saying that to come off sounding rude. I do agree that there is no rush in getting married. You should at least wait until one marriage is finished before planning another. I understand that this new found love has you head over heals but take your time. Seems you both know that marriages can fail so why rush in to another if you two are both happy.

[Dziubka]

Zephii has a point, though.
I understand what you say about dreaming about a wedding. Hell, I daydream about my wedding all the time. About having the perfect day with my loved ones, to celebrate my boyfriend and mine relationship. Snow, warm drinks, everyone being happy and chatting along in their best Polish/German and... just everything.
And probably in your case, finding so much wedding related stuff, made you realize that he has already lived your daydream before, except with someone else. Like it's not fair that he went through with it with someone else, but not (yet) with you.

BUT the point is... you haven't even been dating for a whole year and you still have a lifetime to go. Actually I'm personally quite happy dreaming about this stuff for a few more years, before I have to find something else to daydream about.
Are you happy with the situation as it is right now? What would getting married really change? What would it make better?
Why don't you enjoy what you have with him right now?
So what if they had the wedding, they broke up. It didn't work out. You yourself know that a wedding isn't a guarantee for the perfect happily ever after.
You're with him now, not his ex. Despite of her dress, rings and wedding, you're probably luckier than her and he's more happy with you.
Happiness is so much more important than a wedding party

And you can still always have one later and it will be even more perfect, because you'll know each other even better, possibly have more money, etc.

[LeilaniJoi]

This is true Dziubka. I think it would help me feel more security with us. It bothers me, I will freely admit that, that he's not divorced yet and though I honestly know it has more to do with the cost than anything else, it's like this aura of her that just hangs around the house. We are in the process of redoing the house - painting etc - but that just brought it all to the forefront I guess.

Yes we need to finish what we had before diving off into something else. In truth however, those are both finished and had been for some time prior to the breakups. I guess I'm just ready to get on with life, totally let go of all that junk and move ahead together and yes I'm impatient.. but in truth this is not something new, it's been going on for years... we just had to find each other I guess what I want is that definite reaffirmation of "us" and if I knew it was coming down the road that would be fine, it's the unsurety of it and not talking about it anymore that makes me wonder if all my daydreams are just that.. dreams.

Thank you for helping me put it in perspective without being snarky about it. I know it's silly... I know this... but it doesn't help to be abrupt and short with someone that is being silly about something like this. People come on this board for a variety of reasons. I can't post as much as I did for awhile due to work and home etc, but that doesn't mean that I don't have a valid question or need some honest input (without someone snapping at me about it) when I do have time to come read and post.

[lucybelle]

I guess I'm not really sure what you're looking for from us? You don't want anything "critical", so what does that leave? A pat on the back?

Just wait a while. The time you have together is short. You are very possibly still in the honeymoon/puppy love stage. It's fine to day dream and such. I'm sure we've all done it since we were little girls. If you think he'll freak out at the mention of a marriage, then it's probably not okay to bring it up right now.

[LeilaniJoi]

Someone that understands... nothing more, nothing less. This group can relate with alot of what we went through to get here even though ours moved much faster than most others. Talking to people that have never dealt with an LDR and subsequent move, they just don't understand. I don't mind critical, I want honest opinions... but I do mind short and harsh opinions.

[Zephii]

I'm sorry I managed to ruffle your tail feathers. Sometimes I don't have time for a long winded reply. So, I just get right to the meat of it and leave of the fluff. I don't pander to people, and that's why most of the time people appreciate what I say - because they know I'm not going to bullshit just to make them feel better.
I only added the tidbit about wicca because it's safe to assume that if there's a wiccan handfasting involved at least one of the couple is wiccan, and that makes it relivant. It could possibly answer your question about why he's not in the same rush you are.

Honestly, I'm not trying to hurt you, it's just to me marriage isn't something you want to rush. I mean you've done it before, you know what it is and what it isn't in the way a lot of people here do not, because they don't yet have that life experience. I genuinely don't understand what the hurry is. You have your whole lives, and regardless of what you have done together in a fantasy world reality is a lot different. I really don't believe marrying him will fix this insecurity you are feeling. When you know and are secure that bit of paper is just a little icing - but having the icing doesn't give you a whole cake, you see?

Maybe tackle this insecurity first. Talk to him. Tell him how you feel and that the energy she's left in your lives in overwhealming for you, that you value him and don't want to lose him. Maybe make a better budget, so you's have the resources to finalise his divorce a little quicker?

I do know yous need to work together on this. You're not going to scare him off by opening up to him - unless you try and make him put down a date or something Tell him you still want to dream with him the way you's used to. Talk to him about how you want the marriage to go, how you want to deal with obsitcales, how you's will keep it interesting. And tell him you don't want him to feel pressured either. It's ok to just talk and dream for a little while, right? And at least if you're talking about it, you'll know he's thinking about it.

I hope that was coherant. Need more coffee.

[LeilaniJoi]

Thank you Zephii. I promise I'm not an attention whore, I was just very VERY fragile last night. I moved here from 800 miles away and left everything. I still battle issues with being homesick, not having the friend base I had there.. really he is my life. I do work, I get out and get involved in other things but at the end of the day... he is the reason I'm here. I don't hover, I make my own life as well and stay busy but at times this just all falls down on me and is a bit overwhelming.

I do daydream and love dreaming about it. We don't talk like we used to.. see my answer in one of the closing the distance threads.. and though it's probably a short time I feel like we are moving past that hump people hit about 6 months in where everything is kind of uncertain. There really is no rush... but it's something I want. I guess I just need to know that he wants it too but am unsure how to bring it up to him at the current stage of our relationship. I probably just answered my own question and need to give it time... deal with my own insecurities and just be happy with what we have and where we are. Doesn't ever hurt to want to know what they are thinking though and if anyone ever develops a method to find out what the hell men are thinking ... it will be a goldmine.

[Tanja]

Calm down. When you post your question to an open forum you can't expect to get the answer you want, you get the honest opinion of other people and it's not always exactly the same thing you had in mind. Also, it can take days before you get a reply here cause people are online at different times AND not everyone who logs in can give advice about your situation.

I understand where you're coming from, believe it or not and I've learned that panicking about wedding inside your own head is never a good idea. Talk to him about it openly and tell him what you just told here. It feels very sudden to be wanting to get married so quickly sine you've both just gotten through divorces. There's no reason to rush it at all.

The longer you daydream the more perfect your wedding will be when the day finally comes.

I hope next time you post you won't be so aggressive towards people who are only trying to help.

[LeilaniJoi]

Not worth the discussion as to aggressive or not. I don't feel I was and have explained my stand. I needed to talk something out and felt the answer was brusque. Sometimes it's not what is said, it's how it's said. As I posted that last night I was sitting in tears over something silly and did not need a sermon, just needed some understanding.

Reading more posts now I realize that is just Zephii's manner of speaking and as far as I'm concerned Zephii is pretty ok Can we let it rest now?