Engagement disagreement

[cwarbs]

My boyfriend and I are having slight engagement disagreements. We're both freshmen at colleges 3 hours away. I'm on my midterm break right now so we have been seeing each other a lot and the subject of our engagement has come up a lot. Technically, we are already engaged. He proposed to me on my 16th birthday over 2 years ago but we've both kind of agreed that that was more of just a promise ring kind of thing and that we would wait until we were older to become engaged for real. We both consider ourselves to be engaged but we never told anyone. We talk about marriage all of the time and how we both want kids and a future together. But, the whole issue is is that he wants to start telling people we're engaged and he wants to get married before we both graduate college. I feel like being away from each other has made him want some extra assurance that I won't leave him. I would really prefer to have get "publicly" engaged towards the end of college and not get married until we graduate and can start a life together. I want people to take us seriously when we tell them that we have pledged ourselves to each other and not write it off as "young love" or foolishness. I love him and want to spend the rest of my life with him but I feel we should wait. I know I'm not going anywhere and I know he isn't going anywhere so I don't see any problem in waiting. What do you guys think? Am I wrong to tell him to wait? I don't want him to see it as me pushing him away.

[CynicalQuixotic]

You're absolutely not wrong to tell him to wait. In fact, I think it's what will save your relationship.

I feel weird telling you this because I'm only three years older than you, but, you two are 18. Your adult life has barely begun. A whole lot of growing up and changing occurs during college--I'm in my last year and a complete different person than I was when I was a freshman--and I hate to seem negative, but, the first year of college is a trying time for relationships that start in high school. You're both getting used to a new environment, meeting new people, not to mention adjusting to academic culture at school. I'm not saying that your relationship is doomed--my ex-boyfriend and I dated from junior year in high school to junior year in college, a great almost 4 years while it lasted--but I guarantee you that putting the extra pressure of an "engagement" on a relationship during an already trying time will kill it in the water, especially since you have misgivings.

I think the best thing to do would be to talk to him and tell him everything you said here--reassure him that you love him as much as ever, but you would really prefer it if he'd cool it on the engagement talk. You two have the rest of your lives to be together, there's no reason to rush things.

[Mara]

If you want to wait, then I see nothing wrong with the two of you waiting. I do think it would be wrong if you rushed into something when you weren't ready or didn't want to make that commitment right then.

I think your SO will understand.

[floridaellen]

My SO and I have had this talk. We were engaged for a little bit in high school (like 2 weeks) but realized that we were being stupid and just made it a promise ring. We broke up for a month and a half and then got back together. When he visited me two weeks ago, he talked about possibly us getting engaged again. I told him basically that I want to be able to tell people when we get engaged and have them be supportive. That won't happen for a few more years. He was a little bit sad but now he totally gets it. We're planning to wait until after college (undergrad at least) to get married if we do work out so we don't need to be engaged this early anyway. You don't need to be engaged to have a high level of committment. Personally, I'd never date someone if I didn't think they were marriage material anyway. If you need any help or support, let me know! I'm on this site quite often haha.

[WakeUpSusie]

My SO wanted to get engaged while I we were still in undergrad and married shortly thereafter. I really didn't want to be engaged until I had my diploma in hand and was living back in Georgia. He wasn't too happy at first, but eventually he accepted my wishes. He ended up proposing early last month which was perfect timing.

For someone who has had a successful high school through four year college relationship, my best advice would be to wait until you graduate to be engaged again. People DO take you more seriously.

[thatgirllit]

I agree with CynicalQuixotic. I am twenty-five and definitely a different person than I was when I graduated three years ago. I am almost a different "being" than I was when I was a freshman in college. You will grow more in those four years in college than you will at any other point in your life...hopefully. College is a time for you to engage yourself and the world. Hopefully, you and your boyfriend will grow in ways that are compatible. I certainly agree with you: marriage is forever...or at least it should be. Wait until you have graduated and committed time to your own development and growth before you make a lifelong commitment to each other.

[folclor]

I can't say much more than has already been said. you have a lot of growing to do, you will always have a lot of growing to do, but moreso right now. If you two are meant to be he will stick with you and y'all will make it through college and beyond. I've seen two of my best friends go through something similar, though. They both dated their boyfriends starting in their first year of high school, their boyfriends both proposed to them the first year of college and neither of them are together anymore, largely because of the pressure engagement put on them.

take it slow, enjoy your relationship. It'll come when it's time.

[squirrelz15]

I agree with everyone above. Take your time. Explain to him, as you explained to us, why you want to wait. He probably won't like it at first, but if it's what you want, you're not going to be happy being forced into something you don't feel ready for, and if he's the one for you, then he needs to be willing to wait for you to be ready. Most people change a lot in college. I'm not even close to the same person I was when I started college. Take your time, grow together. Good luck.

[squirrelz15]

I agree with everyone above. Take your time. Explain to him, as you explained to us, why you want to wait. He probably won't like it at first, but if it's what you want, you're not going to be happy being forced into something you don't feel ready for, and if he's the one for you, then he needs to be willing to wait for you to be ready. Most people change a lot in college. I'm not even close to the same person I was when I started college. Take your time, grow together. Good luck.