Length of Stay When Meeting for the First Time

[jacqui.lee]

Hi Everyone!

I just signed up today and I was hoping to get some advice about the first meeting with my long distance boyfriend. I have a full time job and a part time job and the boy is getting ready to transition into a new full time job in less than 2 weeks. My nannying/full time job will be giving me a break for at least a month starting the second week of May so we have been discussing me flying out so we can meet in person. It is my preference to be doing the travel and it happened to work out with the timing of his new job for me to realistically be the one traveling. I have flown by myself before for job interviews as well as when I held a position abroad so there is no issue with that. This is my first long distance relationship and he has had a girlfriend that has lived 2 hours away but nothing as far as we currently are (about 1784 miles). We met on eHarmony and we've been talking for 4 months and 3 weeks. We are both being cautious while letting our hearts grow. I am excited to take the next step and meet him but I am not familiar with the dynamics of making LDR work so your advice is greatly appreciated.

From this thread, I am hoping to get advice about 2 things:
One, how long is a good length for the first meeting?
I was thinking 3 to 5 days and he is thinking 5 to 7 days. I have been pricing tickets for a 5 day trip where I come in on Thursday or Friday night so we can have the weekend together and then I can enjoy my time off work while exploring the city while he works the couple of days before I leave but get to see him each morning and night and maybe at lunch depending on how close his new apartment is to his work. We agreed that he shouldn't use vacation time since we are both hoping to go some place beautiful together (bookit.com has some great deals!) if things work out after the first meeting.

Two, should I rent a hotel room or take him up on the offer of staying with him?
We are both not in well paying jobs and we both have student loans so staying with him is the more realistic option since it could tack on another $500 to the cost of the trip. Whether we are sharing a bed or one of us is sleeping on a couch or an air mattress, I feel like we can make it work out depending on how things play out. If anything, I can go to a motel once I am there if we both aren't comfortable so I don't think it would be wise to make reservations online with my credit card since I could be charged a cancellation fee if things work out.

Thanks!!

[steph_bballgirl]

our first meeting was over christmas, and he stayed here for 10 days. i loved every minute of it. we immeadiately opened up and were not shy or nervous at all with eachother, so it was a blast and there were few awkward moments. the only time he got quiet is when my whole family came around, cuz hes shy, but he eventually warmed up to them too
a long weekend sounds like a reasonable amount of time for a first visit. you will probably come to find out that you wish you could stay longer. i always do.
and i think, just for me personally, i would save the money and take up his offer of staying with him. it would be cute, comfortable, cheaper (on gas and hotel rates), and if you dont wanna sleep in the same bed yet you dont have to necessarily.
but it is always nice for me to wake up and know my boyfriend in right in the other room, and i dont have to drive anywhere i can just go in and give him a goodmorning kiss (:

[Moon]

I'd say around 5 days is good, since its a number that fits in with what you're both feeling. I'd strongly suggest a hotel, at least for the first night. Think about it, you only know him through a dating site, there is the possibility he may not have been 100% truthful about himself in some way, and your biggest concern should be your safety over anything else. After the first night, you'll either feel really comfortable and really like him, in which case you can move your stuff to his place, or you'll feel like something's off. If there's anything you don't like, you won't have to have that awkward conversation, you can just go back to your hotel and make arrangements to hightail it outta there Just make a reservation for that first night, and take it from there. If he's a reasonable and decent guy, he'll understand. Good luck!

[BoogleBee]

Our first visit was 5 weeks long. (So thank goodness it turned out well!) but that is mainly because we live on opposite sides of the world and spending so much money on a ticket isn't worth it for only a short visit.

But for you 5 days does sound good it fits with what you both feel like Moon said.
As for the reservation, I'm not really sure. I would say stay with him and see how it goes, but...Moon has good reasons for the hotel one! You could book just one night and then see if you want to stay with him or at the hotel/motel.

EDIT: Just realised I'd written opposite sides of the country rather than the world xD

[jacqui.lee]

Thanks!

Thanks Steph, Moon, and Rebecca! I feel a lot better hearing about other's meeting for long periods of times for the first time. I would love to stay with him for the entire time I have off from my job but I need some sort of income and being that I'd being going to Canada as an American, I couldn't pick up a part time job there to solve that issue. I do like the idea of spending the first night in a hotel, I will have to run it by him since he will be driving me around. I will definitely stay for 5 days if I do the first night in the hotel so that I can get as many nights with him as possible if things go smoothly. The only issues we have come across in our relationships are being self conscious (him about a scar he has from major surgery and mine is my weight which is nothing new).

Does anyone have any tips on a small thing I could bring as a gift? I bought a cute card to leave at his place for when he gets back from dropping me off at the airport (I hope he doesn't find this website since I would have just ruined that surprise) but I would love to give him something to have since we've only sent pictures. He feels that if I sent him a gift, it would turn into a gifting battle and it would never end. The super romantic side of me would love to bring a picture frame and on the last day/while he's are work, get one of the pictures of us that we will hopefully take printed and leave that with the card too. I would also love to bring a toy for his dog since I will be spending some days with her while he's at work. I don't want to go overboard but we've already talked about him going to the medical I go to or one close to it and our future including kids and where we will live so my mind is making everything seem okay.

[sam]

Is it bad that I can't even remember how long mine and Elina's first visit was? I can't remember any of it, so maybe that's why!
I guess it was 3 days though, and we were around the same distance apart as you and you SO now.
I always thought that any time longer than 3 days wouldnt be so good (so after seeing booglebee's post I was like O_O haha). I had to stay with her at her apartment and imagine if we didnt get on like we did online or it didnt work out or whatever, and I was there for say, 10 days. Wouldve been pretty awkward and.. not nice, really I guess it went ok, seeing as I'm living in Finland now
I think it just depends on you and how long you feel is right. I personally would side with you for 3-5 days
As for staying with him or hotel. With him.. Go for it!

[PucasKitten]

Our first stay is going to be 3 weeks, but just like in BoogleBee's case its to expensive to stay for a short time. I believe everything will go well though <3

[jacqui.lee]

About a week ago, my SO asked me to extend my visit so we can have 2 weekends together since he will be working during the week. I happily agreed since I had secretly been wanting more time with him when I realized how much I am going to be without him during the week. My parents offered to use their airline miles to buy my ticket and for them to pay the minimal amount possible, my trip is going to be 11 days. I will get in after he finishes work on Friday and I will leave before work two Tuesdays later. Does anyone think it could be too much time (even though we will only be spending the whole day together on the two weekends)?

I have been subscribed to livingsocial.com and groupon.com in my city for several months and as a joke when we were talking about manly body hair, I sent him a link to a special on hair removal in Calgary. It got me thinking and I've been looking at it daily trying to get some cheap things to do while we're there. I got us an hour long couples massage for $80 when it is originally $170. I highly recommend looking for deals leading up to visits since they usually have half off at restaurants and the vouchers don't expire for a year. You can search other cities without having to sign up for more notifications so I only get 2 in my inbox a day (one from each site) and then I will go in and look at our cities. Since we both have students loans and we are both looking to get back into school in the next year, paying half price for everything is going to make this trip much more enjoyable. If anyone knows any other discount websites, PLEASE SHARE!!!

[tiffinnie]

my SO will be here for 28 days for our first meeting/visit and we'll be getting a hotel on and off throughout his stay...

[13000km]

Our first visit was 3 weeks long. I stayed in his room, and was told by friends and family how dangerous it was prior to my trip. Things turned out fine and I'm moving there this June, but if you're worried about how things will be like between you guys, I'd go for the one night in a hotel thing. You can book more nights and have him come share the hotel room with you. I hope you have a very enjoyable visit! (:

[BlueCat]

I know this topic is getting a little old and it seems like you would have already had your visit at this point, but I just wanted to share.

I'm in the same boat as many other people here, in that living in different countries, with the pirces of flights it wasn't worth it just to make a trip that was a week or so long. So he visited me and stayed for just over 2 months. He stayed with me and my family, my mum's partner picked us up from the airport and dropped us home and after he made sure I was ok with it, he left. I was pretty much comfortable straight away, I mean I was nervous, but I never felt unsafe with my SO on that first meeting. Both my sister and my mum's partner had offered that if it didn't work out, he could stay at their places until he went home again. So that was nice that there was an alternative there, although he said that if it really didn't work out, he likely wouldn't stay anyway. But thankfully it did

[Élan]

My situation was similar to BlueCat's. It didn't make a lot of sense for me to pay $2000+ in airfare and only stay for a few days. So my first visit lasted 3 months. I lived with him the entire time. It went well, HOWEVER I would not recommend that to anyone. I did a very unsafe thing and feel lucky that it all turned out okay. Getting a hotel for at least the first week or so would have been much smarter. The long visit was great, though.

[theyellowdart]

My first visit out to see her was for 3 1/2 days and 3 nights.. I tell you what though that was way, way too short.. I definitely recommend a minimum of 5 full on days for the first visit, though I would probably do a full 7.

[jacqui.lee]

thanks everyone. i am currently still visiting and everything is going fantastic. we decided 10 nights were good but i definitely don't want to leave in 36 hours. i hope that our next visits are as long or longer.

[BlueCat]

I'm glad to hear that it's going well for you both.