Need some advice big time here (visit advice)

[lilspitfire]

Okay, not sure if I am posting in the right section. My visit with my SO is in 10 days and I planned a little get together with us and some of my fellow co workers. There are some that I had to uninvite as it was getting to be too many. There's a guy and a girl that I invited..one's on the same level as me and one is a supervisor. Well apparently this other girl found out about the place we're going to and is coming along uninvited. This uninvited girl, we'll call her Bucky and the other girl, we'll call her Pinkie, do not get along. I just found out tonight that someone told Bucky about my little get together and she plans on coming even though no one invited her. I'm at the point of just cancelling the whole thing or uninviting everyone involved (the Lead, Bucky, and Pinkie). My SO thinks this will only cause more drama, but this girl is already looking to cause trouble by planning on showing up uninvited because Pinkie is going to be there. What do I do??? I don't want my first night in Maryland AND with my SO to be ruined over two girls having a fight. Especially when there will be drinking involved (we'll be there at a bar/restaurant until about 2 AM). I'm so torn. I invited these people because I consider them my friends (not Bucky, but Pinkie and the Lead) but this is tearing me up. It's my party and my night (gawd I sound almost like a Bridezilla). What would you do if this was what you were faced with?

My options from my POV:

Cancel the whole thing
Uninvite the Lead and Pinkie
Uninvite everyone save three others
Change the location and not tell the Lead

[conejita_hada]

Honestly, I would just cancel. If there is a potential for drama and it's during the visit with your SO. You'll want to spend as much time with him as possible and while it might be fun to meet friends/co-workers/etc, it'll be more fun with no drama and just getting to psychically be with your SO.

The next visit to my SO, in two weeks, is only 5 days long. While I'd love to hang out with his friends, I've already mentioned it's just him and me the first two days then spending time with his family over the weekend. It's a short trip and I'd much rather spend it with him than sharing him. Selfish, but hey, everyone else gets him for the rest of the year!

[SquigglePops]

In your position I would firstly take this bucky girl aside and calmly but clearly explain to her everything you have said here. Explain that it is a night for you and your SO to enjoy together and not a place for her to air her dirty laundry in public. Don't try and make her issue with this girl seem unimportant but do make it clear that the night is not about her.

It may turn out that the reason she plans on turning up is purely because she feels you left her out where a really simple answer would be to arrange to go out for coffee or something with just you, your SO, the lead and this girl.

If talking goes nowhere then I would cancel and re-arrange on the quiet with those who can respect your wishes!

Good luck!

B xxx

[differentcountries]

I am sorry, but you just can't invite some people from work and not all. Of course some is going to feel envious and left out. Unless you are inviting just a few (like your best workpal or 2-3 closest workers) it will only cause resentment if someone are left out. Sure, she is overreacting big time by planning to turn up ininvited, but really did you expect people to be happy about your decition? The world is a kid's birthday party - invite none or invite all. That is my basic opinion on the matter. Just write to everyone something like, sorry, it got a bit overpopulated so I have to cancel. Hope to see you all some other time. And then just be a couple of people. It might even be cozier since it is SOs first visit. If you want a big event, invite friends to a party (if you can manage without anyone being upset because they are left out ).

[Dziubka]

I am sorry, but you just can't invite some people from work and not all. Of course some is going to feel envious and left out. Unless you are inviting just a few (like your best workpal or 2-3 closest workers) it will only cause resentment if someone are left out. Sure, she is overreacting big time by planning to turn up ininvited, but really did you expect people to be happy about your decition? The world is a kid's birthday party - invite none or invite all. That is my basic opinion on the matter. Just write to everyone something like, sorry, it got a bit overpopulated so I have to cancel. Hope to see you all some other time. And then just be a couple of people. It might even be cozier since it is SOs first visit. If you want a big event, invite friends to a party (if you can manage without anyone being upset because they are left out ).

Excuse me?
If I'm having a party or a get-together I can invite whoever I please. This is not delicate little children we're talking about, but adults. If you don't get invited to something, you don't show up for it. Some people will always be closer with others and if there's a limited number of guests, they'll have to pick. Sometimes you'll get left out and other times, if it's someone you're closer with, you'll be invited. Unless everyone else was constantly doing something without you, I don't see the problem?

That said, if it was big-ish get together with people from work at a public place (like a restaurant or a pub), I'd probably assume I didn't have to be specifically invited to come. So I kind of understand that behaviour as well.


LadyDean, how old are these people you're working with? 6? 13?
Because I think adult people should be able to pull themselves together over dinner and not start a fight, even if someone they don't particularly like is present.
I would probably call of the whole think, because un-inviting specific people will still having the event seems kinda awkward to me. Just tell them that you've re-considered your plans and want to spend more time alone with your SO.

[Kristin91]

That said, if it was big-ish get together with people from work at a public place (like a restaurant or a pub), I'd probably assume I didn't have to be specifically invited to come. So I kind of understand that behaviour as well.

I was going to say this, as well. If someone thought it was more of a work get-together then I wouldn't necessarily think they'd need a specific invitation. On the other hand, it's flat-out rude to un-invite someone that you previously invited. And honestly, in my opinion I don't think it'd even be okay to un-invite anyone in this situation because you work with these people and you don't want to make it awkward in the office....

Just think about how you'd feel if you were the other girls. Seriously, you're all old enough to be polite in a public space.

[lilspitfire]

Bucky was NEVER invited. Someone told her that I was having it when I got to Maryland and she decided to come on her own without saying anything to me. Pinkie over heard it from someone else. I can't invite everyone. That's 150 plus people were talking about. I uninvited a few because we couldn't fit their work schedule in without being at the bar all day and night. The Bucky girl is always causing drama for Pinkie at work as it is. I just invited several close friends and somehow someone else got informed and she wants to come specifically because Pinkie is there. I've never even associated with Bucky. So why would she be coming for me? We all (my co-workers) communicate their a big chat (two) on Skype and so I don't know everyone. Just because you hear someone is having a party, doesn't give you the right to just invite yourself.

PS, I just want to reiterate a few things here:

Bucky wasn't invited at all, not once.

I invited only a few people that I had to uninvite two because of their schedules conflicted with everyone else and my SO and I didn't want to be at the bar from the time I got there until the bar closed to fit everyone in.

This isn't a work get together, it's a get together between me, my so, and several of our mutual friends.

I have never associated with Bucky (she lives in Maryland)

Everyone is supposedly over the age of 18 (someone asked so I'm saying)

This isn't about feeling jealous that you didn't get invited. This Bucky girl has caused issues for Pinkie before. Why would she show to my party when she doesn't know me from a hole in the wall? She learned somehow that Pinkie was going to be there and decided to take it upon herself to show. My SO didn't even know about her showing and he has talked to Bucky before. She was obviously keeping it from the two main people involved. They work on different shifts (my so and Bucky) but are essentially on the same team. If she was gonna feel anything about not being invited, she should have said "hey J, I heard you were having a get together, I thought we were cool, why can't I come?" But she didn't. She is being devious about it. She isn't coming to "have fun" but to cause drama. This spells that out clearer than any picture.

[SquigglePops]

With all of that information taken into account LadyD I would say she is being childish and looking to cause drama. It sounds like it has nothing to do with you and your SO and everything to do with her grievances with the other girls involved. Ask your SO to have a quiet word with her and if that doesn't sort it out then just cancel and arrange something else with your mutual friends

B x

[Unconditional]

Personally, the party isn't what I would do. Just purely because I want to be selfish and have my SO to myself for a few days after he's arrived. Then maybe we'd go hang out with a couple of my co workers, or maybe I'd just go to where I work and hunt down some of them and show them xD
That being said, I would probably cancel it anyways, and MAYBE reschedule it for a different day or a different place? With fewer people, because obviously someone told "Bucky" where it would be. I agree with SGUIGGLEPOPS: if you do want to keep the party scheduled, which is understandable, tell Bucky that this is a party for you and your SO not for her and her drama.
But the possibility that she'll bring drama with her(and if she does) will probably just stress you out and less to not enjoying the party as much as you could be.

[RachelAnne]

LadyDean, how old are these people you're working with? 6? 13?
Because I think adult people should be able to pull themselves together over dinner and not start a fight, even if someone they don't particularly like is present.
I would probably call of the whole think, because un-inviting specific people will still having the event seems kinda awkward to me. Just tell them that you've re-considered your plans and want to spend more time alone with your SO.

I agree with this. Aren't these all grown women..? At least 18 and over. I feel like they should be able to handle a dinner without causing any drama, good grief. But if she wasn't invited and she's choosing to invite herself anyway, she obviously isn't mature enough. I, personally, would straight up get in contact with the girl and tell her that she isn't invited and that you would prefer not to have her drama at your dinner. That's just me.

[lilspitfire]

With all of that information taken into account LadyD I would say she is being childish and looking to cause drama. It sounds like it has nothing to do with you and your SO and everything to do with her grievances with the other girls involved. Ask your SO to have a quiet word with her and if that doesn't sort it out then just cancel and arrange something else with your mutual friends

B x

That's what I'm thinking of. I'm debating between cancelling the whole thing and just being with my SO or changing the place and only letting an even smaller few know. I'm not sure. My SO wants to do whatever makes me happy (Gosh I love him) and I just want to have a good time. I never imagined it would boil down to this. I want to nip it in the bud immediately so it doesn't happen when I get there. I personally never had an issue with Bucky because as I said, we never spoke. But it seems pretty obvious that she doesn't give a shit whose good time she ruins all to spite one of my guests. So even if she is an adult biologically, she isn't one mentally/emotionally. I almost wish I could call the place and find out how much it costs to get a party room and make a guest list and she isn't invited and what their policy is on party crashers. I'm calling them right now actually. I want to see what they would do. Okay the guy was really nice. He said if she came and caused a problem and we complained, they'd ask her to leave. if she doesn't, they call the police and she gets arrested.

[digitalfever]

Just keep the event as planned. If two adults don't get along then it's their responsibility to monitor their own behaviour.

[talim]

If I understand correctly, this Bucky girl wants to come ONLY because she wants to cause drama with your Pinkie friend? Oh man, it would be stupid even if she were 14, and talking about grown adult...
Changing the place doesn't seem like a bad idea to me, when you'll tell only the two of your friends that you've invited.

[rhabdoviridae]

I would just change the gathering place and not tell the trouble-maker. That way you can still have a nice get together and not worry about this other girl showing up.

[lilspitfire]

I've made my decision. It's standing as is at the location I decided. There's a lot of people that I invited that now know of this girl's plan to attempt to bring drama to the party and they are going to make sure that doesn't happen. Also since I talked to the General Manager at the place and he assured me that they don't tolerate troublemakers. This took a huge weight off my shoulders. As I'm sure all of you understand that meeting your SO for the first time ever, you want it to be perfect (even though it might not always be) and so you try to make sure it is.