I feel like an awful person.

[ClaryAsuna]

I've been with my significant other for nine months. Even though we haven't met I truly feel like we have a soulmate connection. I trust him with my life, and I love him so much. I'm saving up to see him. Of course the first meeting has been on my mind for ages. I always imagine it as me running and tackling him with my hug haha. I have PTSD after I was almost raped by a stranger on the way home from college. Tonight I was just relaxing and a thought popped into my head, of what if we meet and he hurts or kills me! I am so ashamed I have this thought(I have OCD as well) and feel like an awful person because he has never ever given me any indication that he would hurt a fly, much less me. Is this normal for a first meeting, to have these kinds of fears(albeit on a less harmful scale)? I'm crying over this...

[differentcountries]

It is not awful, it just means you are a bit scared.

I have never worried that SO would hurt me physically, but I have worried that he would not meet up to meet me at the airport, take my money and run and things like that that is not in his caracter at all.

[Unconditional]

Your fears are somewhat justifiable, you shouldn't feel like that bad of a person. We all I'm pretty.sure had worries over the first meet they may be different worries but they're worries nonetheless.

[The_gentle_Hart]

It's 100% ok to be scared or worried about a first meeting (heavens knows I certainly was). This does not mean you are an awful person...

But if safety and bodily autonomy is something that concerns you, perhaps bringing a travel buddy with you when you meet or taking safety precautions (ie. carrying pepper spray in your bag, making sure your phone is fully charged and in a place easy for you to access, meeting somewhere public, making sure others know where you are) might help mitigate some of the worries.

Also, definitely be sure to talk to your SO. Set boundaries about what sort of contact (ie. touch, physical closeness, etc.) makes you feel safe/un-safe before hand so that there's no confusion or hurt later on.

One of the first things me and my SO talked about before meeting was our triggers (she and I both have mental health issues) in order to make sure we didn't accidentally trigger one another unknowingly when doing all the "ohmygoshImsoexcitedtoseeyou" stuff. In doing so, we not only established trust and strengthened our bond together, but also vowed to put the other's safety as a top priority.

[ClaryAsuna]

Yeah I'm thinking that it's not a fault of me as a person or of him, bur rather my PTSD talking...thank you I will do that and talk to him as soon as he gets out of work...I feel terrible but I suppose it's a natural fear that my anxiety is blowing up. It is completely insane. He has never even been angry with me!

[The_gentle_Hart]

Yeah I'm thinking that it's not a fault of me as a person or of him, bur rather my PTSD talking...thank you I will do that and talk to him as soon as he gets out of work...I feel terrible but I suppose it's a natural fear that my anxiety is blowing up. It is completely insane. He has never even been angry with me!

Oh certainly not the fault of you or him! You both seem like wonderful people! PTSD is rough, and unfortunately it usually doesn't come at the most convenient of times. I think you're very strong and very brave though. It takes a great deal of courage to be so open.

[randomnerd]

I think it's natural to be worried even a little. Even though you have gotten to know him online there will be that twinge of doubt until you actually meet him. With the trauma that you experienced, I think it's not surprising. It's your mind's way of trying to protect yourself.

My SO and I were both nervous before the first meet, so we made sure each of us was aware of the other's feelings. Some of them were easier to bring up in a joking manner. I didn't have worry that my SO would hurt me when I had my first meet, it was similar to differentcountries...that he wouldn't show up or that he would look at me and change his mind. We each have our own insecurities and yours aren't unfounded. Just try to make the first meet in a way that makes you most comfortable. Meet in a public place, make your sleeping arrangements clear in advance, make sure someone knows where you will be and how to contact you.

[ClaryAsuna]

Of course I definitely will! I'm sure my best friend and my parents would love a trip to America haha. I'll talk to him about this, I'm sure he'll be supportive as always. I'm very grateful that he is so understanding with me. Thanks guys, I am shy as well so honestly I am afraid I will be tongue tied and aw thanks The_gentle_Hart!

[Honour]

I haven't met my SO either, so thoughts like this creep into my head occasionally, since I am prone to issues with anxiety, depression and have had several panic attacks in the past. It's perfectly ok to feel this way, I'd be worried if you didn't to be honest. Delving into the unknown is pretty damn daunting, so I can fully empathise with you. Don't sweat it!

[vicks5721]

I think it is because you are overcoming that you were nearly attacked in the street and that traumatic event has affected you deeply, tell your SO and he will reassure you, communication is key.

[Unicorn26]

It's vital that you communicate this to him. It's also normal to be fearful. I totally understand how you feel. Have you had counselling/therapy to overcome this? If not, please consider it because it can take over your thought processes and ruin your life. Because of what happened, you will always be cautious and that's really not a bad thing, but it's also important to have perspective. Not all men are rapists.

As always, communication is key. I'm sure he will be very understanding.

[Harlequin]

When I was 18, I visited a friend of mine who I had known for a while. He and his friend ended up taking everything I had brought with me (my phone, my clothes, my money, my medications, etc.), and for four days, I was routinely raped, beaten, starved, and otherwise "tortured". They only let me go because they realized I had friends who knew where I was, and if my simple weekend trip lasted any longer, they'd be suspicious. I have horrible PTSD from the event, and even though our situations are different, I want you to know that you're not alone, and that I understand what you're going through.

I want you to know that you're not an awful person. Intrusive thoughts happen, and it's understandable; you're afraid of something like that (or worse) happening again even if you know nothing is going to happen. It sucks, because it feels like you can't control it, and when it latches on, it just completely freaks you out. You don't need anyone to give you an inclination of anything, because sometimes your mind just does that all for you. It doesn't have to make sense.
Try to calm down. I'm not sure if you spoke to someone about this or not, but I want to share some coping techniques I learned from my therapist that I try to use when I get really freaked out:
Sit down, inhale through your nose for 7 counts, exhale through your mouth for 11. You want to keep it at a steady, even pace so you don't accidentally wind yourself.
If you feel like you're really losing control, ground yourself. Keep your eyes closed and focus on your environment (whatever you're sitting on, the weight of your feet on the floor, etc.)
If you can bear to think of it, remind yourself that you're safe and that the sick bastard who tried to do what he did is far away, and that things are going to be okay. Remind yourself that your boyfriend is there for you and cares very deeply for you.
If it helps, have something(s) you can have that make you feel safe or otherwise help to keep your thoughts busy. I personally sleep with a stuffed animal that, although directly connected to my ordeal, makes me feel more secure. I also carry a bouncy ball I got in Germany in my purse, which I can use to focus on happier thoughts (my trip to Germany) when I'm out in public.
Never reprimand yourself for having negative thoughts! Understand where they're coming from, and calmly correct yourself. You're not stupid, awful, etc. for any of it. Just never never ever beat yourself up over any of this.

Talk to your boyfriend about your PTSD if you haven't already. He's there for you, and he could be the support you never knew you wanted. Talk to him when you're having these thoughts, or when you're just having terrible PTSD-y feelings overall. There's nothing wrong with reaching out to him for help.

If you ever want to talk about it, I'm here for you.

[Hollandia]

I don't think you are awful at all. I had some worries my first time too. Perhaps he does too. I made sure we met in a public place and I had my own place in a hotel to stay at. At some point even with CD you choose to be alone with someone the first time. Just follow your gut and have a safe back up. There is nothing wrong with being cautious.

[ClaryAsuna]

Thanks all for your advice we have talked it over and everything is fine And Lord Harlequin I'm so sorry to hear that happened to you. I do have therapy which helps so much
xClaryAsunax

[Dwessie]

I was so nervous when she first got here that even though she was exactly like on Skype I ended up leaving her with my dad when she was getting her luggage so I could go to the bathroom and freak out for a good minute or two. It's terrible!