Meeting for the first time

[whitedeer_84]

Hi everyone,

So I was introduced to a guy by a mutual friend. We've been talking for almost 3 months (phone calls, video chats, texting) and now we're finally going to meet. We decided to meet in the middle so that neither of us would have the burden of flying across the country. Everything was going great until I found out that he bought his ticket by asking a female friend if he could use her miles.
a) this is our first meeting. Shouldn't he have bought his ticket like I'm going to do?
b) why the heck would he ask a female friend? So he's coming to see me (a girl he supposedly likes) and he got his ticket because of free miles?!
c) this was going to be our first big action and gesture for each other and I feel like he failed by using a friend's miles.

Am I overreacting?

[kittyxuchiha11]

Honestly, I think you may be overrating a tiny bit. look at it this way, it costs money to travel and if a friend of yours told you they had miles they weren't using and you could use them to make the traveling cheaper, wouldn't you use them? I mean, money is money and everyone likes to go for the cheaper alternative if they can. if my SO used someone else's miles to see me then i'd think that was really cool that they had such a generous friend who's willing to give something like that to help you guys meet. You shouldn't make something negative out of being able to meet him, this is supposed to be a happy time for you both

[Mims27]

I do think you are overthinking this.
What's wrong with using his friends miles if they weren't being used? Maybe he wanted to save money? This does not lessen his wanting to see you in any way. It's only miles/money. Why does it matter if it's a girl or not? Would you be reacting like this if it was a guy? And I don't think he failed at all. He's doing what he can to see YOU. Why does the how he's doing matter at all? Maybe he doesn't have that much money and doing what it takes to see you. I would be flattered.

[whatruckus]

I don't see what the big deal is. Are you jealous of this friend because she's female (I noticed you made a point to let us know that fact)? Or that he got his ticket at a discounted rate, or free? At first, I would probably be a little stunned, but then I'd be thinking, "Welp, that's more money for us to spend on each other." Think of it this way: he saved money. More money = more things you guys can do together during your visit, or maybe more money saved for your next visit.

Don't even worry that it's a female friend he asked, let alone a friend at all. Fact of the matter is that he's coming to see you. Meeting you.

[whitedeer_84]

I'm not really sure why it's bothering me so much. I guess it's because I want both of us to be equally invested. He isn't really doing anything to see me if he used a friend's miles to buy his ticket and is going to stay with a relative so no housing costs either. I on the other hand have to buy a ticket and pay for a hotel. Doesn't seem fair....

[whatruckus]

I'm not really sure why it's bothering me so much. I guess it's because I want both of us to be equally invested. He isn't really doing anything to see me if he used a friend's miles to buy his ticket and is going to stay with a relative so no housing costs either. I on the other hand have to buy a ticket and pay for a hotel. Doesn't seem fair....

I'm sorry, but I don't understand your logic. How does him saving money on his ticket and housing mean that he's not as invested?

That's like saying, "Sorry babe, you bought me a McDonald's meal instead of spending $100 on our meal, I guess you don't really care about me."

I guess...I'm "sorry" that he found ways to save money...? I just don't get it.

If he wasn't invested, he wouldn't come to see you. Period. He wouldn't be making the effort, going through the trouble of asking his friend to use her miles (that she probably won't even use anyway) and making plans with his relatives to allow him to stay there. That's actually a lot more trouble that he went through to get this down, rather then if he just spent all of his own money. Did you ever stop and think that maybe he doesn't have enough money for all of this himself?

Hell, if my SO had to cut corners just to be able to see me, I'd be happy with the fact that he put all that effort in just for me.

It seems like you're making this into more of a materialistic issue, when it doesn't need to be, and you should be happy that he's even doing this for you.

[Mims27]

I don't understand either, I'm sorry. It shouldn't be about one doing more or less than the other. Instead it should be about you guys seeing each other. When my SO and I started seeing each other I was the one making all the trip down to Atlanta. I spent thousands because flying from Canada is stupid expensive. But she couldn't afford coming up yet. I even bought her passport for her. I've also done more trip to visit her than she has to see me. And I pay for most of the stuff when we are together. I don't care, its not a competition. It's easier for me than for her. (Financially) But would never tell her it's not fait. When you like/love someone, you do what you can to see each other. It doesn't matter HOW.

[whitedeer_84]

I'm extremely happy that we're meeting but it's not like he's doing me a favor by coming. We're both spending money and time to do this. I apologized to him but I just can't shake the feeling that this isn't right.

[whatruckus]

I don't understand either, I'm sorry. It shouldn't be about one doing more or less than the other. Instead it should be about you guys seeing each other. When my SO and I started seeing each other I was the one making all the trip down to Atlanta. I spent thousands because flying from Canada is stupid expensive. But she couldn't afford coming up yet. I even bought her passport for her. I've also done more trip to visit her than she has to see me. And I pay for most of the stuff when we are together. I don't care, its not a competition. It's easier for me than for her. (Financially) But would never tell her it's not fait. When you like/love someone, you do what you can to see each other. It doesn't matter HOW.

Yep. I do all of the visiting with my SO. I go to him. There's been times where I've had to pay for things for him, because he couldn't. He still tries to pay when we go out, but money is way more tight for him than it is for me. I've even paid for a new radiator for his old car because he couldn't afford it, and without his car he couldn't work (his job was a courier then). So, no car = no work = no money. You need to look at the big picture.

If you're having these thoughts now, before you've even met, your relationship is heading off to a very bad start.

Even now, my SO still owes me money for it, but I honestly don't care. His bills come first, and he makes it up in other ways.

[hmrambling]

Is there some insecurity or uncertainty of the relationship of the woman who is giving the free miles away? I'm not sure why there would be concern otherwise. I mean, let's say I was supposed to meet someone for the first time. I found a code online that resulted in 60% off of my travel plans. Should my SO be upset or disappointed that I didn't pay full price? Is she to ask if my meeting her did not mean enough that I should pay full price? Let's say I have a female friend who has some rewards on an airline and she says, "You can use my rewards." Am I to decline the rewards and pay for my flight?

If you think there is something sketchy about the relationship with the woman who is giving the miles away, address that. If not, I don't see where the issue is.

Travel is expensive. I've tried to save money along the way. I've spent extra money along the way. Do you have yourself a little resentment about paying for your flight while he does not? If so, that may be something you need to work on.

[whatruckus]

I'm extremely happy that we're meeting but it's not like he's doing me a favor by coming. We're both spending money and time to do this. I apologized to him but I just can't shake the feeling that this isn't right.

If this is the way that you're thinking, then I'm going to tell you right now that you're relationship is not going to work. You're already building up resentments and you haven't even met yet. Either you need to let this go, and change the way you're approaching this, or...like I said, it's the end before it's even began.

[whitedeer_84]

I'll be honest with you guys. I'm much better of financially and it never bothered me until he borrowed money which I have him happily and never mentioned again. Then he asked again without saying anything about the first amount and I didn't like it. Now he asked around with his friends and when he found someone who had miles, he 'bought' a ticket. I guess I need to look at why this is a prickly issue for me.

[whitedeer_84]

I don't think there's anything sketchy about their relationship. We just have a different way of thinking. I find it hard to accept help but he doesn't mind. I rather struggle and do it myself whereas he thinks getting it done by any means is more important.

[whatruckus]

I'll be honest with you guys. I'm much better of financially and it never bothered me until he borrowed money which I have him happily and never mentioned again. Then he asked again without saying anything about the first amount and I didn't like it. Now he asked around with his friends and when he found someone who had miles, he 'bought' a ticket. I guess I need to look at why this is a prickly issue for me.

I don't think there's anything sketchy about their relationship. We just have a different way of thinking. I find it hard to accept help but he doesn't mind. I rather struggle and do it myself whereas he thinks getting it done by any means is more important.

Well, then this is different. I would be mindful if he keeps asking you for money as well. I can understand now why it may bother you. It almost comes off as he's perfectly fine with mooching off others.

[Mims27]

Well now it makes more sense!! lol Hope you didn't think I was being rude, I just couldn't wrap my mind around it.
This is different. I agree with what whatruckus said.