Help With The [Disapproving] Parents??

[Evenstar]

Hi everyone! My S.O. and I have been in an international long distance relationship for 2 years now. We met in person for the first time last summer when I flew to his country and stayed with him for a month. A new year has come, and we have decided on a time and place of the next visit. This time he would like to come and stay with me for a few months, but there's just one problem: my family.

Meeting his family was all peaches and cream and things went over really well. My family, on the other hand, is entirely different. I live with my very old fashioned mother and I know it's going to be extremely difficult to convince her to let him stay here. Even more so because she doesn't know he exists. (Oops.) She does not like men, has never liked anyone I've ever dated (without reason,) despises tattoos (which he has,) has openly expressed her dislike of "online dating," and also holds the belief that men and women, regardless of relationship type, should not live or stay together unless they are married. It is for these reasons that I have thus far chosen to keep the relationship a secret from her and avoid causing problems.

I do not want to destroy my relationship with my mother by bringing him here to stay, but I absolutely need her permission and blessing to let him stay at the house. We're both independent adults with our own money so it's just a matter of breaking the news to her. He can't afford to stay in a hotel, and he would really like to meet and be on good terms with my family anyway. I plan to introduce him as a friend at first so that we may have more of a chance at success. After she actually consents to meeting him in person I do think she will be more accepting - I just need her consent to give us the chance.

Has anyone else been in this sort of situation? How did you handle it? How can you handle it delicately or make a good first impression? Any input is appreciated because we're both a bit nervous about this. I plan on talking to her about it very soon.

Thank you

[C.C.]

Most of older generations in my country are extremely against sex before marriage. On top of that there's no room for an extra person at my apartment whatsoever.
My SO plans on renting an apartment, though. And if we can't find anything, he'll go for a hotel. Can't your SO afford an apartment either nor find cheaper deals? And you could bring him over for a dinner or something. It might make things easier for her to accept.

Either way, maybe start talking about him as a friend before a meetup and tell her things about him so he's not just some stranger but she attaches personality to his name. Best of luck~

[aoitori]

I think you should tell her you're dating from the start. I thought my parents wouldn't like my boyfriend even before meeting him (my mom had problems with him after meeting, but that's another story...). Still I brought it up and they were more welcoming than I wouldve expected. I also had met him before, so I just told them I didn't know how things would work out being long distance and all and therefore didn't say anything, but since he wants to come visit I'd want my family to meet him. Of course I don't know your mom, but honesty is always the best answer I think. Good Luck!

[Evenstar]

Thank you both for your responses. I should have mentioned that English is not his first language so he wouldn't do well staying on his own somewhere, even if he could afford it. I appreciate you sharing your experience aoitori. I hadn't considered discussing the fact that it essentially may-or-may-not work out with my mother. That might make her a little more at ease processing the situation rather than if I were to seem too serious. I don't want to scare her into thinking I could elope at any moment with a mystery guy after all hahaha

After I talk to her I will try to come back around and post my experience for the next person to be in my shoes. Once again I really appreciate your responses

[Clmckenzie]

Yeah, I agree. My parents are strict and a bit of old school. However, I told them from the start and eventually they accepted.
The longer you lie about it, the worst it can potentially be. I think you should just tell the truth. It is her home and she has the right to know the truth about who is in her home.

[Clmckenzie]

You know, I relate because my own parents are strict and old fashion. I think you are in a tough spot.
However, I find the earlier you tell the truth, the better.
Your mom has the right to know who is going to be in her home.
If you guys are both independent adults with money, pool the resources together and let him stay at a hotel for a few days. Rip the band-aid off and tell your mother that you have a man.
I think it will be much fairer than bringing in a man under the pretext that he is your friend and trying to sneak away kisses when your mother's back is turned.

In my experience, just telling my parents straight up allowed them to see me more as an adult and to respect my relationship.