Visiting my SO - thoughts from cloud 9
So, I will just try and write down my thoughts about my visit. I had posted a few weeks ago about some issues we (I) were facing and they had made me anxious about my visit. Turns out there was no need for all of this, we are having an amazing time!
Yes, I am still there - though sadly, my vacation is coming to an end. I am already dreading the farewell at the airport - yikes! I usually just turn and run as I know I get too sentimental.
Anyhow.
This was my first ever visit at this place and as you can imagine I was really excited. So many new things - second reunion, meeting the parents and some extended family, being in Montreal for the very first time, trying to figure things out between us, getting a feel for the city I am probably moving to in summer...
My boyfriend had booked us a bed and breakfast out of town for the first weekend and it was simply fantastic! I still fantasize about the amazing breakfast the owners made for us in the mornings! And basically, everything went so smooth - I was so nervous about meeting his family and at first it was a bit awkward - but I think I made a good impression and I liked them too.
Most importantly though I realized a few things about my relationship that are really giving me reason to hope - and not to be too sad when I leave. Yes, we fight. We are not a miracle couple that just has it all figured out from the get-go. But that also means that we have great learning potential. And this is what is really fundamental: we fight (nothing bad, just a raised voice and then some sulking) and then tentatively talk, apologize, talk it out and we are good. No hard feelings at all. This is new for me - my last relationship was a complete disaster when it came to anything communication related.
I also found something I really deeply appreciate about my boyfriend. He is a smoker and I have a lot of difficulties with that - I told him that from the start, but liked him too much to make it an issue. However I do get very upset when I feel he smokes too much and I am verbal person... Unfortunately I am also a pro at getting extremely negative which ends up in him shutting down and me feeling horrible for hours.
BUT the next day, he actually said me saying things like that helped him cutting down. I was so happy when I heard that and I can see how he is making an effort. I have been with smokers before (I never learn) and they have never really talked to me about it, tried to meet me halfway or found any other ways of calming me - for me it is a great anxiety, for them it was just a nuisance. Now he does take me seriously and we have had good talks about things like this. I try not freaking out as much and I see how he is rewarding me. He gets really happy when I make him compliments about his efforts in turn.
This is just one example of how we have been handling things. So we don't just fight with zero outcome. Sure, sometimes we just disagree on things, but nothing too important. But usually we meet each other in the middle.
I also learned that he can be quite the grump in the morning. I wake up and am a 100% there. He needs a bit of time, sometimes hours, to be fully awake and is somewhat of a cactus in the process. Now someone being grumpy is usually a good trigger for me to get angry which would result in a non-sensical fight. However, I find myself capable of just starting my day by myself and doing my stuff, helping me calm down, until he is awake enough to greet me - and all is well. I actually feel really proud of myself every time this happens.
So basically what I am learning here for the very first time is having a healthy balanced relationship. I have never experienced this before and it feels just so... Refreshing. Relieved. Good. No, great! Each day we spend together I feel loved, respected, deeply appreciated and valued. And I feel how I am returning this. I am the cuddly kind, he is a little less but enjoys it a lot. But I am not dying when he is not in the mood or when he is doing something else - I can be apart from him and not feel like time needs to go by faster so we can be reunited. I actually manage to have fun on my own and not NEEDING his attention all the time. I manage to trust. This is a big new thing for me. So far whenever I had a chance to be alone in a boyfriend's place I would snoop around until I'd find something that'd would hurt me. Pathetic, I know. Now here, initially, I was going to do the same thing. But now picture this - I open a drawer and feel zero need to go through things. I am completely uninterested. Moreover, I realize how even if there was anything from an ex or whatnot, it would be completely fine. I know I matter. And things are just things. Actions are more important.
In don't know if anyone on here can feel me here. I come from a background of bad relationships in which I was lied to and cheated on and once even emotionally abused for a long period of time. Being able to openly communicate, to be myself without shame, to just lean back and relax, to fight without fear of losing the other is all new ground for me. Now my last relationship was 150% passion, lacking anything else that is important in a relationship. This time, I can love but still have my own head. And it makes me optimistic that we can work things out.
Now I just hope things work out and he can come visit me in two months - all depends on work and money. But we both know that we will probably move together in summer - his first time living away from his parents and he seems just as enthusiastic about it as me. I just feel blessed
Oh, and on a side note that would totally scare him, but I have hit an age where I feel the biological clock ticking - seeing how he is with his tiny dog he rescued from abandonment and how he reacts to little kids, I am sure he'd make a good dad. He claims he wants nothing to do with that just yet - but a woman can dream 
I know he'd be great once the time arrives.
Yes, I am still there - though sadly, my vacation is coming to an end. I am already dreading the farewell at the airport - yikes! I usually just turn and run as I know I get too sentimental.
Anyhow.
This was my first ever visit at this place and as you can imagine I was really excited. So many new things - second reunion, meeting the parents and some extended family, being in Montreal for the very first time, trying to figure things out between us, getting a feel for the city I am probably moving to in summer...
My boyfriend had booked us a bed and breakfast out of town for the first weekend and it was simply fantastic! I still fantasize about the amazing breakfast the owners made for us in the mornings! And basically, everything went so smooth - I was so nervous about meeting his family and at first it was a bit awkward - but I think I made a good impression and I liked them too.
Most importantly though I realized a few things about my relationship that are really giving me reason to hope - and not to be too sad when I leave. Yes, we fight. We are not a miracle couple that just has it all figured out from the get-go. But that also means that we have great learning potential. And this is what is really fundamental: we fight (nothing bad, just a raised voice and then some sulking) and then tentatively talk, apologize, talk it out and we are good. No hard feelings at all. This is new for me - my last relationship was a complete disaster when it came to anything communication related.
I also found something I really deeply appreciate about my boyfriend. He is a smoker and I have a lot of difficulties with that - I told him that from the start, but liked him too much to make it an issue. However I do get very upset when I feel he smokes too much and I am verbal person... Unfortunately I am also a pro at getting extremely negative which ends up in him shutting down and me feeling horrible for hours.
BUT the next day, he actually said me saying things like that helped him cutting down. I was so happy when I heard that and I can see how he is making an effort. I have been with smokers before (I never learn) and they have never really talked to me about it, tried to meet me halfway or found any other ways of calming me - for me it is a great anxiety, for them it was just a nuisance. Now he does take me seriously and we have had good talks about things like this. I try not freaking out as much and I see how he is rewarding me. He gets really happy when I make him compliments about his efforts in turn.
This is just one example of how we have been handling things. So we don't just fight with zero outcome. Sure, sometimes we just disagree on things, but nothing too important. But usually we meet each other in the middle.
I also learned that he can be quite the grump in the morning. I wake up and am a 100% there. He needs a bit of time, sometimes hours, to be fully awake and is somewhat of a cactus in the process. Now someone being grumpy is usually a good trigger for me to get angry which would result in a non-sensical fight. However, I find myself capable of just starting my day by myself and doing my stuff, helping me calm down, until he is awake enough to greet me - and all is well. I actually feel really proud of myself every time this happens.
So basically what I am learning here for the very first time is having a healthy balanced relationship. I have never experienced this before and it feels just so... Refreshing. Relieved. Good. No, great! Each day we spend together I feel loved, respected, deeply appreciated and valued. And I feel how I am returning this. I am the cuddly kind, he is a little less but enjoys it a lot. But I am not dying when he is not in the mood or when he is doing something else - I can be apart from him and not feel like time needs to go by faster so we can be reunited. I actually manage to have fun on my own and not NEEDING his attention all the time. I manage to trust. This is a big new thing for me. So far whenever I had a chance to be alone in a boyfriend's place I would snoop around until I'd find something that'd would hurt me. Pathetic, I know. Now here, initially, I was going to do the same thing. But now picture this - I open a drawer and feel zero need to go through things. I am completely uninterested. Moreover, I realize how even if there was anything from an ex or whatnot, it would be completely fine. I know I matter. And things are just things. Actions are more important.
In don't know if anyone on here can feel me here. I come from a background of bad relationships in which I was lied to and cheated on and once even emotionally abused for a long period of time. Being able to openly communicate, to be myself without shame, to just lean back and relax, to fight without fear of losing the other is all new ground for me. Now my last relationship was 150% passion, lacking anything else that is important in a relationship. This time, I can love but still have my own head. And it makes me optimistic that we can work things out.
Now I just hope things work out and he can come visit me in two months - all depends on work and money. But we both know that we will probably move together in summer - his first time living away from his parents and he seems just as enthusiastic about it as me. I just feel blessed
Oh, and on a side note that would totally scare him, but I have hit an age where I feel the biological clock ticking - seeing how he is with his tiny dog he rescued from abandonment and how he reacts to little kids, I am sure he'd make a good dad. He claims he wants nothing to do with that just yet - but a woman can dream I know he'd be great once the time arrives.
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