Anxious for SO's visit

[LunaMarie29]

Hello. Just want to share but if you have opinions and advice, it would be very much appreciated. I’m from Philippines and my SO is from Guatemala. We’ve been “together” for 2 years now. He is planning to come here this year and this will be the first time that we will see each other personally. The date is still tentative, depending on when will his papers be processed. And he wants to stay here for good. We’re both excited for this coming transition. But there are things that I still worry like the language barrier. He’s originally from Spain and he can speak English but not that good. So I worry on how he will find a job here. He said he’s planning to put up a Spanish restaurant, I just wish it will turn out fine. I’m also looking for a job for foreigners as an option. I also worry if he’ll enjoy living here and not be bothered by the environment, weather, traffic and other things. Although, the people here are very hospitable. Another thing is, I'm not allowed to file a leave of absence for too long, so I'm going to leave him at home with my grandma and mom during day time. I hope they will get along fine and no awkwardness. We’re very comfortable with each other when we talk on Skype but I’m a very shy person so I’m not sure on how will I act when he’s with me already. Am I being weird?

This plan of living together is making me anxious but I’m really excited for it. I’ve been waiting for this and I really want to be with him.

[sasad]

So you have never met in person?? Is he planning on living with you??
No, you are so not being weird. My advice would be to meet up first then see how it goes. There have been times when people meet IRL and just do not have that same vibe together.

I know you were not asking for advice and you are not a young teen... but I would recommend a meet first

[LunaMarie29]

Yes, he wants us to live together. Actually, I want it too but I agree with you that people tend to change once they met in person. That's also one of my worries that I just forgot to include on my post. I have read stories like that on this website.

I don't know how to tell him, because as per our conversation, he's already decided.

[sasad]

But its YOUR choice as well... Tell him it would be better if he had a place and a job first or you met before he came. Please don't let anyone force you to do anything you are not comfortable with. If he respects you and your relationship, he will listen and work with you.

[Sparkling72]

One thing that stands out to me is that you've been "together" for 2 years now, so it seems like it is not a decision made in a hurry. If you only met a few months ago and he was ready to move, I would be really worried. Even with the 2 years, I would be worried about not meeting in person for a holiday first. But it is also very expensive to make that trip to visit you and part of me can see why he would want to just move there. Maybe the 2 of you should talk about the possibility that if it does not work out, that you cannot be responsible for having him live with you and your family and he should have a plan just in case. Also, don't let him pressure you, or make you feel like you have to let him move in with you. It IS your decision too!

[Moon]

This doesn't sound like a very good idea to me. I realize the total cost of travel can be prohibitively expensive, but you really need to think this through a little more. He says he's planning on opening a Spanish restaurant, but what is his restaurant background? Just being a waiter or cook isn't going to cut it, especially if he has no business education. Admittedly, I don't know about the Philippines, but here most restaurants fail within the first year. Is he being realistic?

Also, what if after a few short days, you don't like him? That can and does happen occasionally. You'll be stuck with some foreign stranger living in your house, and then what will you do, and will you be stuck supporting him?

I'm not trying to discourage you, and I know travel can be difficult, but I think you should have a visit first. Visit, make sure you're compatible, let him improve his English and talk about that restaurant further. Then, if everything seems OK, he can move there. You need to make sure you're comfortable with all of this, otherwise don't do it. I just don't want to see you ending up in a bad situation. Good luck.

[LunaMarie29]

I totally get all your point. I'm having goosebumps reading all of it because that's just what's running on my mind.

With the visit, we haven't talked about it because we both know it's expensive. I can't afford it and as I've said on my post, I'm not allowed to go on leave for too long. And I don't want to pressure him to visit me because I know he has many financial obligations.

His planned business, the restaurant, will only be a little one (just a start-up). Like the ones we have here where you would rent a small space for your business. Even I am not sure if people will like it. We have Spanish restaurants here but not all people appreciate it.

I appreciate his thoughtfulness when he said that he wants to be the one to move here since I'm very close to my family. But for me, I'm willing to take a risk in his country. Because I'm not sure if he can adjust here easily with the job issue and language barrier. If I am to move, I can look for a job there or I can be a housewife.

We have agreed that if things didn't work out here, we would move to Guatemala or Spain.

I really love him but I need other people's perspective, I don't want my feelings for him to cloud my decisions.

I'm being pessimistic

[Moon]

I really love him but I need other people's perspective, I don't want my feelings for him to cloud my decisions.

I'm being pessimistic

No dear, you're being smart. I commend you for looking for opinions because you know love can make a mess of sensibility. Other than to tell you that and to emphasize that he needs to improve his English, I don't have much more to add. I hope some people smarter than me here can help you further

[lovestoread]

This doesn't sound like a good idea to me,I know you are very excited to be with him and everything but I would have to say to first meet him have him come to see you and then see how it goes,it sounds like you are rushing it by living together,just take your time with your relationship and don't rush it by living together first.

[LunaMarie29]

Thank you for all your advice, I appreciate it a lot.

I tried giving him a slight insinuation that we should think carefully because I'm really worried on what will happen if his transfer here won't go well. He said that we already talked about it and he thought that I'm fine with it. He's very positive that all will be well. I hope it will be.

[snow]

From someone who moved to a country with a different culture (and language), I say he really has to visit before he makes the big move. It is so important to understand what you get yourself into before you move somewhere permanently. I visited the US 3 times before I moved here and it still took me a long time to adjust to all the differences like
- I lived in a big city with public transportation every 2 minutes and here I have ONE bus every HOUR that I have to walk 30 minutes to
- The people love small talk, whereas where I come from people keep to themselves and they rarely talk about their personal life to strangers
- Different kind of food that I at first wasn't able to stomach and would have heartburn (I still get it sometimes, but not as much!)
- Health care, where I come from I had very cheap insurance and could go to the doctor whenever I wanted to, here I don't have any insurance and going to the doctor is REALLY expensive
- and so on, and so on

I'm glad you are being so sensible to this topic, because he might not like your country and it has nothing to do with you, it might just be completely different to what he is used to and it might just not work out for him.

I really really really advise you guys to visit, even if only for a couple days, before he comes and lives in a country that he only knows about through you, who has lived there their entire life which makes you "blind" to all the things he will notice immediately when he sees them for the first time!

[sasad]

Thank you for all your advice, I appreciate it a lot.

I tried giving him a slight insinuation that we should think carefully because I'm really worried on what will happen if his transfer here won't go well. He said that we already talked about it and he thought that I'm fine with it. He's very positive that all will be well. I hope it will be.

So you tried to talk to him, and he said it was settled and stuff? Really? Sorry, a person that has never met me or actually anyone that makes my decision for me???Nope. Red flag. You tried to express feelings and fears and he blew you off.
Best of luck to you.

[C.C.]

Why does HE define what you are fine with?

[C.C.]

I am sorry but I have to...

"You are fine. It'll all be well."
Did he make a jedi hand move too at some point?

[80anthea]

A relationship should be about making major decisions together, not one person deciding and the other having to go with it in the hope that things will be okay. You don't get much more major than deciding to live together (especially after never meeting in person). You have every right to have an opinion and he should listen and respect that opinion.