S/O (or former, not sure) backed out of visit because of a phobia.

[Nightamin]

Things have taken a turn for the worse in the last couple of days. My S/O (or former, not sure what to call him now) had finally agreed to make a trip down here to meet me for the first time after us having talked to each other online for the past five years and dated for a total of two. It was actually supposed to happen last year, but he was never able to make good on it due to work.

Now that he has the opportunity what with a lack of work related commitments he is refusing because he has no one to make the trip down with him. He has never flown before and is technically terrified. I do get it, but what also gets me is that there isn't a shortage of people who are nervous fliers. I understand that it would have been easier on him to fly down here with company (his mum would have come down but she can't as she's going interstate), yet I can't help but feel as though our relationship is constantly being put in the hands of other people.

I only have short of two weeks off in April (I'm starting uni soon), and then another two some time in September. That said, I would fly to him if I could, but it was established long ago that doing so would more or less destroy my relationship with my parents since I still live under their roof and am not fully financially independent. They are extremely old-fashioned and are very wary of me meeting people off of the internet, so one could only imagine what repercussions I would be faced with if I were to just pack my things and leave.

We agreed on trying to go about things the right way and have him meet them first, but right now, it seems like trying to keep this going is a lost cause. I have been struggling a lot emotionally. I've been madly in love with him for two years now and not being able to spend any real time with him in person has been killing me. I don't think I can keep this up. I feel like if I were to say, 'okay, let's try for September', that it would just result in another excuse as to why he can't fly down here when he obviously has the means. It's also worth noting that I suffer from really horrible anxiety and depression. Not to say that I don't think that his phobia is serious; he deals with his fair share too.

My judgement is probably clouded by a barricade of emotions right now, so any input from you guys would be greatly appreciated. I would like to make sense of things if possible.

TIA.

[80anthea]

Has he made any steps to address his phobia? Seen a therapist or contacted the airline (many now offer courses for phobic or nervous flyers).

[R&R]

The USA to Australia can be 15+ hours, depending on where in the US he lives. That's an extremely long flight for someone making their first ever flight. I love to fly, and NH to HI even wore on my nerves.

Maybe he needs to plan a smaller trip with a friend so he can get his first flight experience and have someone with him. Southwest does inexpensive flights to local places, so maybe that's an option for him. He can start to build up confidence or find that he actually likes flying.

[Nightamin]

No, he hasn't. I wasn't aware but don't think that he'd even be willing. He thinks that all that sort of thing is 'psychobabble'..

[Nightamin]

The USA to Australia can be 15+ hours, depending on where in the US he lives. That's an extremely long flight for someone making their first ever flight. I love to fly, and NH to HI even wore on my nerves.

Maybe he needs to plan a smaller trip with a friend so he can get his first flight experience and have someone with him. Southwest does inexpensive flights to local places, so maybe that's an option for him. He can start to build up confidence or find that he actually likes flying.

Yeah, in his case it would be 20+ hours. He doesn't really have anyone at the moment who would be willing to do something like that though. I'm not saying it wouldn't be possible, but I just don't know when it would be able to happen.

[80anthea]

I think it's fine for him to have issues with travel but I do think he needs to start doing something about it. R&R makes a good suggestion about trying out shorter flights and building up to the long one. I think if it were my SO I'd be understanding of his problems but would get very frustrated if he wasn't willing to do something positive about it.

[C.C.]

Another thing to add, imo, is that both of you have kind of similar circumstances?

It's like, you are not financially independent but he could buy you a ticket and help you out but you can't because of your parents, I get that actually VERY WELL (similar situation). But he's understanding about it, right? I think you try to understand him as well, and I hope this gives you a different perspective.

BUT as other said, possible solution/doing something about it has to be in sight.

[sasad]

I am so sorry about that.. I do agree with R&R. I also think you, in your mind, need an end date. And that's fine and not selfish. You have been let down before, so its to be expected you are nervous about the future... Can you talk and give him until September? If not, are you willing to break it off? --You said possibly former, so I am not sure what the means.
I understand fear, but to not be able to try and work toward a goal would be frustrating and most likely a deal breaker for me. I under stand fears, but to say its "psychobabble" just shows me an unwillingness to work towards a solution.
YOU need to do what feels right for you. We can all offer advice and suggestions, but ultimately, its your heart.

[Nightamin]

Thanks for your responses so far guys, it means a lot. It's not that I'm not trying to be understanding, it's just that there's only so much that he's willing to do to improve the situation. Therapy has always been something that he's seen as psychobabble, he doesn't even the like the thought of me going to a psychologist for my own issues (which I do obviously, since it's my choice). So that's out of the question. He's been working/saving up very diligently for this which makes it even harder to end up in this kind of predicament. I will see if he can manage a smaller trip and do things like call up the airline as suggested. Fingers crossed.