In Need of Advice - Visiting S/O

[musingfreedom]

This post is going to be somewhat long, I'm so sorry!

My S/O and I have been dating long distance for 2 years now, and have visited each other four times in that time period.
He still lives with his parents (we're both college students), I have my own apartment (but my family is close by).

Now, I've stayed with him (and by extension his parents) and its...not the best environment. Not one bit.
He lives with his father, step-mother, and step brother, and his step-family is absolutely awful and incredibly abusive towards him. They live in a small home and don't clean up their own messes, which makes their home smell like garbage. (They also have pets which they don't take proper care of, further contributing to the smell) They smoke so heavily which gives me headaches (but I don't have a problem with smoking), and his step mother is a raging alcoholic. My boyfriend's Stepmother and her actual son son are incredibly racist towards me, and she has physically assaulted my boyfriend in my presence.
His family is not very hospitable at all. I don't like staying there and I don't think its a safe environment for him or for me.

Because of this, when it comes to who visits whom I usually try to convince him to visit me rather than me visiting him, as my family is far more accommodating, cleanly by far, and definitely not abusive. I've expressed my concerns to him before, as we usually take turns with our visits, but lately I worry for my own safety and my trips to see him are usually ruined by his incredibly rude family.
How can I tell him that I don't feel safe visiting him anymore and that I would prefer if he visited me instead?

tl;dr: My boyfriend's family is abusive and unclean, its not a safe environment for either of us to be in and I don't feel safe visiting him anymore because of it.
Not sure how to bring it up to him without offending him.

Thank you for reading!

[hmrambling]

Welcome to LFAD!

I would definitely encourage you to explain how safety is a priority and how it needs to be taken into account. Unfortunately, since he is in the household that may be all he knows. That's probably his normal. If he doesn't see it for himself, then it would probably benefit both of you if you explain your concerns.

[sasad]

Well, if it is abad as you say, and your SO knows that as well, just telling him about it should work... Or if you are uncomfortable, then look for an airbnb or some other vacation type area..."vacation" type.

Now physical assault is against the law. If he is being hurt, then he needs to find way out or call the police.. No one ever deserves to be hit. It is a little concerning if he thinks this type of behavior is normal though.

[Sparkling72]

first of all welcome... second... oh my gosh!!!!! yes, have him come to you. The advice given above is excellent. Physical abuse is against the law, if they hurt you, you can have them arrested. that might be a point to mention to him also as a reason for him to come to you. You can certainly refuse to stay with his family, period! My Lord, I would refuse after the first time I was there if it is that bad. I love saying this, and I'll say it again, it's OK to put yourself first sometimes... and this is one of those times!!

[musingfreedom]

Thank you all for your quick responses!

Fortunately for me, he doesn't see his step-mother's behavior as normal, but he is a gentle spirit and doesn't have the heart to defend himself. We're currently saving money so that he can live with me in Washington. My family is far more supporting, caring, and they completely adore him. They want to get him out of his environment.

I guess my issue is, I have no idea how to bring this up without offending him... Despite everything he still cares for his family (at least, his real father) and I know that he wants to show me around his area more, but its just so unsafe...
Perhaps I'll bring up the AirBnB idea, thank you so much Sasad! I've always wanted to try one!

[Sparkling72]

I'm sure it's not an easy subject to discuss with him, but at some point, you'll have to address it. If he insists you come to him, there's nothing wrong with telling him you're uncomfortable. If you tell him kindly and honestly, he should understand. If it were me, and my SO never told me he was uncomfortable every time he came,time after time, I would be more hurt then than if he would have been upfront to begin with.

You can also tell him you want to stay somewhere so you have more alone time together, or pick a spot that is a little ways away from where he lives so you can explore new things in that area together.

[lovestoread]

sit down with him and tell him how you feel,tell him that you and him staying at his family's house isen't safe for you and him.