How to deal with a first time meeting- the relationship is not so stable =(

[eames111]

Through a mutual friend, I've been talking on and off with a guy in Germany for almost 5 years. Even though we have never met, through daily conversations we became close to a point it was like being in a relationship. It all started to fall apart after the 2nd year when I got scared- having this strong feeling I've never felt before and stopped talking to him. This was the biggest mistake I've made. We started talking again, realizing I shouldn't be afraid of my feelings. But a few months after, he told me he had a new girl and stopped talking to me.

I'm not sure what his relationship status is or how he feels about me, but we would talk on and off- sometimes he'd initiate the conversation and sometimes me. However it would usually end with me wanting more, and him shutting me off, not saying how he feels.

It's been 3 months since I last talked with him, because he said he never loved me.

This summer I am going Europe to visit some friends. I contacted him, because I would still like to meet him, just to see who this guys is.

We started to talk again and everything was fine. He agreed to meet with me. But he suddenly out of no where told me he wanted to stop talking. He said he didn't want to get 'too attached'. But he still insisted on meeting once I was in Europe. I got upset, but accepted.

I don't know what to do at this point.

*A side note: we both study Computer Science, and when I have questions with my work, he immediately answers and said he will always help me with my school work. But when it comes to conversation, he completely ignores me, even when I say thanks.

It'll be three months until I see him. What to I do in the meantime? Should I just cut all communication including hw questions? How do I reach out to him when I get to Europe? Does he still have feelings for me? If we do really meet what should and shouldn't talk about? I'm not expecting anything to happen, he probably has a girlfriend...

sorry for the many questions, but I'm completely lost

[R&R]

It sounds like you have a great trip planned with friends. Just before you go, you can send him a quick message of where you will be and when and then leave it up to him. If he really wants to meet up with you, then he will make the effort. I would also suggest if you do meet, bring your friends along. This will take the pressure of what to talk about, etc. It's a group of friends getting together and meeting up.

We can't telll you if he still has feelings for you. From all you've said, it appears he has moved on and doesn't want to go back down that road. He's helping you with hw and that's fine, but he has clearly set boundries. Respect those and I wouldn't continue to think of him as a possible romantic partner in your future.

[eames111]

Hi,

Thank you for your reply and your suggestions. It's a great idea to message him before I go. And maybe I won't ask him for help, because I do want to talk to him. The only thing is I will be staying after the trip to meet him while my friends return home. I guess I'm afraid of him flaking out, and me being in a foreign city all by myself.

And so most likely it will be a one on one situation. I'm just nervous that I would be bitter towards him. I don't know how to act when he's repeatedly saying he doesn't want to get too attached, too attached, too attached... When he says this it makes me feel like I'm sort of disease he doesn't want to get. I want to be happy and funny like I'm usually am, but there's a part of me who wants to talk about the serious stuff and ask all these questions. I know that's too heavy, but feels like I need to know

[R&R]

Hi,

Thank you for your reply and your suggestions. It's a great idea to message him before I go. And maybe I won't ask him for help, because I do want to talk to him. The only thing is I will be staying after the trip to meet him while my friends return home. I guess I'm afraid of him flaking out, and me being in a foreign city all by myself.

And so most likely it will be a one on one situation. I'm just nervous that I would be bitter towards him. I don't know how to act when he's repeatedly saying he doesn't want to get too attached, too attached, too attached... When he says this it makes me feel like I'm sort of disease he doesn't want to get. I want to be happy and funny like I'm usually am, but there's a part of me who wants to talk about the serious stuff and ask all these questions. I know that's too heavy, but feels like I need to know

He's told you how he feels but you aren't listening because it's not what you want to hear. Let's recap:

*He's been in other relationships
*He's told you he never actually loved you
*He doesn't want to get attached to you as he already knows it's not a romantic relationship that he wants
*He doesn't want to have the serious conversations because he's already told you how he feels
*You haven't talked in 3 months and he hasn't tried to initiate contact with you
*He shuts you off when you try to talk about a relationship because he has already made his decision on the matter clear

What else do you really need to know? And I wouldn't suggest meeting up with him if it's after your friends left. If I was in your shoes, I may meet him for coffee so I can say we met and then be done with it. I wouldn't go out of my way for the meeting though.

[eames111]

yes you're right...

[Sparkling72]

Keep in mind that LDRs aren't for everyone. He doesn't want to get too attached probably because he doesn't want to get into a LDR. I know plenty of people who shut the idea down right away, won't touch it with a 10 ft pole. Several of my friends tried to talk me out of mine when SO and I first started getting to know each other b/c they don't believe in it. However, it sounds like he genuinely likes you and values your friendship, so if you truly value him and want to maintain a friendship, drop the feelings conversations and don't ruin your friendship. If you do go meet him, you're meeting a friend and that's it.