Friend tagging along

[MushuChicken]

So, I will be meeting my guy friendish guy in a few months. His friend offered to tag along, which I was like...for sure no, that's not going to happen. The first meeting should just be me and him.

I was beyond crushed that he was completely all for it. He's all like...that's a great idea. He sees it as a welcoming party, I think.

I had in my mind a more private moment, not necessarily "romantic," but a more private, intimate moment with just him first, before moving on to his friends. And, we got into a bit of a tiff, because I was upset that he was not viewing that moment in the same way I am, which I know is insane, because you can't force people to feel a certain way.

To be clear/fair, he doesn't need or necessarily want the friend there....he just doesn't mind if it happens like that. Whereas, I do mind. And, I wish he minded too.

Am I being insane? Are my feelings understandable?

I just don't want to share a moment with someone I speak to every day with someone I barely know. But, honestly, I wouldn't want to share it, even if it was my sister with me.

[snow]

Well, how about a compromise?
He brings his friends but let's say that friend waits in a diner while you meet and you catch up with him later?

I wanted my husband to be by himself when we met, but he planned for me to meet every single important person in his life within my 11 days there. Day 1: his sister, brother in law, sister's MIL and FIL.

I don't know, it just seems odd that he is making a big deal about it if he doesn't need him there, almost seems like he DOES need him there.

[MushuChicken]

I mean, I already have plans to meet/hang out with his friends. I don't have a problem with that. But, that one particular moment? I'd prefer they not be there.

He's not making a big deal about it. He's not making a deal about it at all, which I guess is my complaint. I guess I was hoping he would say, "No, that's not going to happen, our first meeting should be just me and you." Again, you can't force people to react a certain way, so I am sure it is unfair of me to hold it against him that he didn't say it, but...it still hurts. It makes me feel like maybe he does not consider our meeting all that special after all.

It's just that I've thought about this moment, a countless number of times, and in none of my scenarios is a friend a part of the vision.

And, now I'm starting to regret the banging lingerie I bought, "just in case."

[Carol]

Hello MushuChicken,

Have you actually raised that wish with your SO? You say "he doesn't need or necessarily want the friend there", which makes me believe that he would respect your decision of having the moment without his friend. Your description sounds like you didn't really tell him how you feel about it, and are being unhappy silently.

While I understand you wish your SO to feel the same, I have to say it is not always going to be the case.
I believe we all have an example of a situation when someone did not react/feel the same way as us - and it is not always fair to blame them. Who knows, for him, having a friend there might emphasise the moment - maybe he wants to have a picture/video from this moment.

I recommend to talk to your SO and explain how you feel about your first visit.

[R&R]

One of my friends is celebrating her 4-yr anniversary with her SO. His idea of doing something romantic together was to spend it camping and fishing. Her's was to rent a nice place for the night and dinner someplace fancy. Neither of them was wrong in what their scenario of romantic was - they just had different perspectives on the matter.

This is the same thing. You have one perspective on how things should go and he has another. Neither is wrong - you are individuals and based on who you are have different ideas. It's dangerous ground when you have a fantasy built in your head of what something should be and then get disappointed when it doesn't play out how you want. To him, having someone there may not be a big deal. It doesn't mean the moment isn't just as important to him but that he has a different idea about it.

If it bothers you that much, then just tell him that you think it would be nice to just be the two of you for that first meeting. You don't need to go into details about why and the special moment and these scenarios that you've run through your head.

[MushuChicken]

Well...actually....I did tell him I wanted it to be just me and him. That was one of the sources of the aforementioned tiff. He kept telling me to talk to him and explain why I want that, and so on and so forth. He kept pressing for a concrete reason, which is a little difficult to nail down, because for some things, the reason is the reason, if that makes sense.

I don't want his friend there, because I want it to be just me and him. And, I want it to be just me and him because I want it to be just me and him. I don't know how to explain it beyond that.

He respects my wishes, and will do whatever I want. I know that. But, I want HIM to want it too. And, he wants me to explain to him in a way HE gets why I want it this way. That's the crux of the argument. Like you guys said, people want different things or envision things differently, and neither are wrong.

As far as fantasies go, I really try not to get too deep into that, because like you said, it's dangerous to do so. But, really, all I've imagined is just that moment I see him and giving him a huge hug and feeling my arms around him and his around me. That's all. Which, I don't think is too unreasonable a vision. It's just I don't care for the idea of a friend looking over his shoulder, watching it.

[erwin1973]

He's not making a big deal about it. He's not making a deal about it at all, which I guess is my complaint. I guess I was hoping he would say, "No, that's not going to happen, our first meeting should be just me and you."

Do I understand right that your problem is that he agrees with you?

[autumn1790]

When I met my SO, for the first time, I was accompanied by my sister, brother-in-law, and a complete stranger to me, my brother-in-law's sister. We met out in public, in front of a busy mall in a country that pretty much frowns on PDA (and my BIL and his sister are citizens of it). Not how either I or my SO envisioned it, but it really didn't make it less romantic. I was so eager to run into his arms that i kinda forgot about everyone else.
I totally get why you don't want the friend tagging along...but if it happens, I doubt it will entirely ruin how special the moment is. And it was kinda nice that my sister was there to video, so we can look back on the footage and cringe lol. Anyway, I hope it works out the way you want, but if it doesn't, try not to think it won't be romantic anymore--barring anything else, it still will be.

[snow]

I totally get your SO then. You need to explain your point if you want him to understand and not say something is this because it is this, that's redundant and not helpful at all.

Why do you want it to be just the two of you?
Because it might be more special?
Because it is your view of a romantic day?
Because you want to see if there is a spark?
Because you want to be able to see him the way he is around you, not around his friends?

[MushuChicken]

Do I understand right that your problem is that he agrees with you?

No....we have agreed to disagree, and that is about the extent of our agreement on this subject.

When I met my SO, for the first time, I was accompanied by my sister, brother-in-law, and a complete stranger to me, my brother-in-law's sister. We met out in public, in front of a busy mall in a country that pretty much frowns on PDA (and my BIL and his sister are citizens of it). Not how either I or my SO envisioned it, but it really didn't make it less romantic. I was so eager to run into his arms that i kinda forgot about everyone else.
I totally get why you don't want the friend tagging along...but if it happens, I doubt it will entirely ruin how special the moment is. And it was kinda nice that my sister was there to video, so we can look back on the footage and cringe lol. Anyway, I hope it works out the way you want, but if it doesn't, try not to think it won't be romantic anymore--barring anything else, it still will be.

Thank you for that story....all those people? Man, that just stresses me out just thinking about it. As I said, I don't necessarily need it to be romantic. That will (or won't) come later. But...I would like it to be private. (as private as a public place could be at least)

I totally get your SO then. You need to explain your point if you want him to understand and not say something is this because it is this, that's redundant and not helpful at all.

Why do you want it to be just the two of you?
Because it might be more special?
Because it is your view of a romantic day?
Because you want to see if there is a spark?
Because you want to be able to see him the way he is around you, not around his friends?

Honestly...an hour ago, here is my response: I don't know. All of the above? None of the above? I have no explanation other than I want it to be me and him.

But...I took a drive, cleared my head, and things started to become a bit clearer. So...when we've talked about my visit, obviously hanging out with his friends was on the agenda, but we also had plans of our own, just me and him. Not concrete things but...things we've talked about. Well, over the course of time, his friends have sort of hijacked each of the plans. "Oh yes, we'll do this, you'll love it." "Oh yes, we'll take you there, it will be great." It's now to the point that the only two moments we have left that would be just me and him would be church and the moment we meet. And, that's it. I do want that moment to be a private one, but maybe the reason I am holding onto it so hard it because I have seen all of the other plans slip away into some sort of group thing. I talked to him about this, and he has assured me that we will have me and him alone time together. But, I will only be there a limited amount of time...and between all of the plans that his friends have, I'm having trouble seeing how we'll have time for doing anything together...much less just hanging out and getting to know each other...much less anything else, if ya get my drift.

So, yeah, maybe the reason I am choosing this hill to die on is just an accumulation of all of it.

[kittyxuchiha11]

Just want to weigh in here with an experience I had. When I met my ex for the first time she had a fried who desperately wanted to be there when we met. When my ex first told me that this friend wanted to be there i was a bit confused on why and with some further probing it was revealed that this friend just really wanted to be there to not only keep my ex safe but also because i was someone very very important to my ex and obviously as her friend the friend wanted to be there to witness such a happy moment of us meeting for the first time. For the actual meeting it didn't even matter the the friend was there. All she did was record the moment my Ex and I hugged and then afterwards i just said a quick hi to her. she was very very excited to see us happy and it meant a big deal for her to be able to see my ex happy. as soon as we met at the airport we dropped the friend home and went about our day so it wasn't a really big deal at all.

Basically, your SO's friend might be feeling something similar and is just really excited for you both. It's not like you'll be stuck with the friend for the whole day right? even if you go for a meal together you'll till have the rest of the day/evening together. Try not worry about it too much, it's a much bigger issue in your head than it will be in real life believe me. Good luck! :3

[MushuChicken]

Just want to weigh in here with an experience I had. When I met my ex for the first time she had a fried who desperately wanted to be there when we met. When my ex first told me that this friend wanted to be there i was a bit confused on why and with some further probing it was revealed that this friend just really wanted to be there to not only keep my ex safe but also because i was someone very very important to my ex and obviously as her friend the friend wanted to be there to witness such a happy moment of us meeting for the first time. For the actual meeting it didn't even matter the the friend was there. All she did was record the moment my Ex and I hugged and then afterwards i just said a quick hi to her. she was very very excited to see us happy and it meant a big deal for her to be able to see my ex happy. as soon as we met at the airport we dropped the friend home and went about our day so it wasn't a really big deal at all.

Basically, your SO's friend might be feeling something similar and is just really excited for you both. It's not like you'll be stuck with the friend for the whole day right? even if you go for a meal together you'll till have the rest of the day/evening together. Try not worry about it too much, it's a much bigger issue in your head than it will be in real life believe me. Good luck! :3

I'm not sure if you saw my previous post, but to make a long story short, his friends have become a part of nearly every day/plan we have together. So, no, I don't think it will be a quick, "Hi, nice to meet you too, okay bye" type of thing. Based on the way things have gone so far, I have every reason to believe that, whether intended or not, it will turn into a, "Hey let's all hang out together" kind of thing.

Now, don't get me wrong...as you said, I am sure that his friends have only the best intentions in mind. Whether it is because he is very introverted (he is) and they want to help him along, or whether they just want to be a part of the moment, or whether they will be capturing everything on video/camera, I am certain they have only his interests at heart. And, I appreciate that. I do.

But, with all of the changes or additions to my visit, I feel I have been pretty reasonable. I want his friends to like me, obviously. That's very important. But, I don't want to be hanging out with all the king's horses and all the king's men each and every day. I feel I need to draw a line somewhere, and I don't think it's inappropriate to do so.

[erwin1973]

What I find disturbing is that your bf doesn't seem to matter that you have (almost) no time together and that his friends are overruling him. If I were you, I'd have a serious talk about that...

[MushuChicken]

What I find disturbing is that your bf doesn't seem to matter that you have (almost) no time together and that his friends are overruling him. If I were you, I'd have a serious talk about that...

Welp, we did talk about it last night, my friends. And by last night, I mean till 4 o clock in the morning. Not the whole time of course, but that's what started the conversation out. It was a good and necessary conversation to have, and despite feeling exhausted by the end of the night/morning, I did feel relief as well.

He told me he is worried about us meeting...that we will argue in person and things will be awkward. Personally, I am not worried about that at all. Not even a little bit. I think a lot of our issues, this tiff for example, stems from a language barrier a bit, not being able to convey tone via chat, the stress of the distance, etc. I am much less confrontational/argumentative in person, much more even keel and happy go lucky. So, I have no doubt we'll be fine.

He brought up the meeting thing, so since he opened the door, I went with it. I had said something to him about it before, but I maybe softened it a little bit too much and it didn't quite stick. This time, I explained it to him EXACTLY the way I did to you guys, and he got it. He got it, he understood. At this point, I didn't really offer anything or suggest anything. I was just happy that we were making some progress. Well imagine my pleasant surprise when he, on his own, suggested maybe we spend time with his friend in the beginning and then he will stay with me. To me, this is easier said than done. Unless he is planning on having that conversation with his friend ahead of time, it will be kind of awkward to be like, "Uh, you gotta go now, BYE" But... at least he gets it and made a reasonable compromise. He also later in the conversation was talking about going to the bar(s)/clubs that maybe we could just stay for a little bit with his friends, and then go somewhere else after. Music to my ears folks.

In the end, he felt much better about meeting, and told me he was glad we were able to talk about it. I was too and told him so. At least we are both on the same page about his friends and everything.

[erwin1973]

Sounds all very positive! Well done.