Who should be the first to visit?

[Cammy]

So my bf and I are dating for months now and we often talk about meeting. The thing is, he doesn't have a source of income yet as he's still finishing uni. I'm already working and I could try to save up enough for the expenses we need when we meet. At first he was expecting me to visit first because of both our situation. I mean it's understandable, but I couldn't fully agree with it because of what people say about gender roles... plus all my friends are being firm about how my bf should visit first and it's kinda putting a little pressure on me...

Most people believe that it is ideal for a man to visit his gf first in long distance relationships. It's basically what is expected of them - they're the first ones to make a move, but if women visited their bfs first, would it be a big deal? What do you think?

[erwin1973]

Hi Cammy,

I expect you're Pinay, right? In that case, I absolutely understand your comment on gender roles. My lady is Pinay too, and she is very outspoken (some might say oldfashioned) about gender roles. So, before anyone might call your thoughts oldfashioned, I completely understand what you're heading at.

The thing is, that I understand even if he is coming to visit you, someone else has to pay for his ticket, right? And assuming you'll need a visa to go out of the Philippines, that would only add to your expenses.

On further account: I agree that it is more ideal for the man to go to visit his lady first, but of course that is only my opinion.

A few months into the relationship is not much. I know you're probably head-over-heels, and that is normal. How long does it take for your bf to finish university? Is that next year? 3 years? May be it is an idea that you wait a while with visiting. My lady and me didn't meet yet, and we're together for over 14 months already.

I'm sorry if I have not been a real help, I'm just sharing my thoughts based on some assumptions.

BTW nice avatar.

[Cammy]

Hi Cammy,

I expect you're Pinay, right? In that case, I absolutely understand your comment on gender roles. My lady is Pinay too, and she is very outspoken (some might say oldfashioned) about gender roles. So, before anyone might call your thoughts oldfashioned, I completely understand what you're heading at.

The thing is, that I understand even if he is coming to visit you, someone else has to pay for his ticket, right? And assuming you'll need a visa to go out of the Philippines, that would only add to your expenses.

On further account: I agree that it is more ideal for the man to go to visit his lady first, but of course that is only my opinion.

A few months into the relationship is not much. I know you're probably head-over-heels, and that is normal. How long does it take for your bf to finish university? Is that next year? 3 years? May be it is an idea that you wait a while with visiting. My lady and me didn't meet yet, and we're together for over 14 months already.

I'm sorry if I have not been a real help, I'm just sharing my thoughts based on some assumptions.

BTW nice avatar.

I agree with you. Most people here in the PH (of course that includes my family) seem to have a strong view about gender roles, which is not completely a bad thing, but kind of puts a little pressure on me. I'm glad you understand it ^^ to be honest, we both have never been out of the country yet so we're not very familiar with the process and everything (we only read articles, blogs, etc, or ask friends about traveling).

The plan is to have someone (close friends, including me) help him with the expenses while he hasn't got a job yet, or wait a few years more when he already got a job so he could save up for himself and not have someone shoulder his expenses. I would probably go for the latter but that would give us more years to wait... but as we can see, that's the best option. I believe he's going to finish uni in 2-3 years time, sooooo... more, more patience. :3

Thank you, this is absolutely a big help ^^ BTW this avatar is a screencap from the game Sims. I'm addicted to this game!

[Rezie]

I'm from a different culture and I don't share the views on these gender roles. That being said in my opinion the person able to visit should do so. If you have the money, vocation time and willingness to visit then you should be the one doing it first. If he has the time and money then he should do it. It doesn't matter who visits who first. It doesn't say enything about your relationship. If I were you and working full time I would start looking into travelling and putting money aside for the tickets. I wouldn't wait for him to graduate and get a job just because he is a man and it should be his job to visit first.

[Moon]

I understand we're different culturally, but I think the first one to visit should be whoever makes the most sense, not by gender. The one who has the time, or money, or courage, which country is safer to visit, or whichever is a better traveler In my relationship, it was me. I'm bolder and enjoy travelling, though it was my first time to Europe. My guy is shy and he gets annoyed when traveling distances. So, off I went, and it was the right decision, and had I waited for him, I'd probably still be waiting! We are a bit older though, so we couldn't care less about family and friend pressure, and just do our own thing.

If you really want to meet, maybe you should reconsider following your cultural gender roles, the travel is a fun bonus, and you'll get to see some great things, too. There really can be advantages to being a bold, outgoing, but sensible woman. Do what YOU want. That said, if you'd still rather wait, that's OK, too!

[autumn1790]

I visited my guy first...it was easier for me to get a visa to India than for him to get a US visa. Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do!

[dotk]

I am also from a very different culture than you and was the first to visit my man since I had the money and time to do so. It just made more sense at the time. Only the third visit was by him to me.
Culture can be a real challenge in our relationships but it can also spark great personla development. I see that in my man (who comes from an african culture) and it is very inspiring to see how he finds his own way of living.
That being said I get that it might not be so easy for you to do that (culturally and because you have family which my hsband did not really have)...but maybe as time goes on you will find out, what matters most to you. Maybe it will be seeing him, maybe it will be waiting for him to come.
Best of luck to you two!