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Need Help - Special unusual first meeting in a critical situation very risky

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    Need Help - Special unusual first meeting in a critical situation very risky

    Hello everybody,

    This is a really special situation im planning to do and I want you guys to first understand our relationship and share your opinions with me please. It's my first ever relationship in general and i choose long distance relationship for the first one.

    I'm in a long distance relationship for 6 months already. We met through a game and I started questioning her all types of stuff, eventually i got closer to know her and we both figured we have a lot in common. I was the one who fell in love with her and i asked her if she wanted to do a long distance relationship with me. She said yes, but she thought this was just a joke and something to just try out. Which I thought the same at the beginning. After a week though I really fell in love with her and I started to try and communicate with her much more. She didn't feel anything at that time. So obviously we smart talked and all that saying "I love you" even though she didn't even mean it. When I told her that i was looking for plane tickets during the first month she realised i really meant it. Time flew by us and she started to not respond, ignore me, play with her friends and just the usual stuff when you dont love somebody at some point. Thats when I really got tired of it, I was heartbroken and always so depressed because of that, I wanted her to feel the same way and finally realise how much i love her, I wrote a really really strong and cruel message of how much i love her and how she is towards me. She colapsed, she cried for 4 days and was so put down, I tried to talk with her but she avoided me and if she talked to me she would instantly start crying. I apologised 4 days after and asked for a second chance, I pushed her to love me which was really wrong of me, she forgived me and gave me a second chance. That's when she started loving me, she created feelings for me and cared more about me than in the past.

    We shared pictures of ourselves and eventually videos. The thing is she is still somewhat shy and sceptical, she's not ready to facetime, nor send me videos of her with her face on it. She would cut out her face. I have only 2 videos of her in total, one where she tells me how much she loves me with her face cut out, and a snapchat video with her face on it. I'm already facetiming, sending videos and pictures while she is not, so i can make her feel more comfortable.

    Weeks and months past and we had a decent anmount of really happy days, we enjoyed ourselves. But i wanted to talk more with her, literally everyday. So we made a challenge to talk atleast 10 minutes everyday and the loser has to do something. So we moved on with this challenge, everyday 10 minutes and we mostly extended to 1 or 2 hours. We slept a couple times through skype too, in total about 3 or 4 times which was really beautiful and enjoyable.

    I asked her if she wanted to meet, she said she is not sure, she would wait 3 years before seeing each other which is insane. She told me she is affraid to miss me or lose me after that, she broke up with her boyfriend couple months ago too and she says she still needs to recover from that. She is just really shy and sceptical in my opinion because she really had feelings for me and we would always talk about the future what we would do and what we have to do when we meet.

    BUT, today everything went down and we learly almost broke up. I was getting depressed yesterday again and send a negative message whining about how i am making everything worse again and all that. This hit her, she said if this continues like that, pushing each other and having challenges to stay connected to each other she wouldn't like to hold onto that.

    Today we voice chatted crying and talking, she said she's trying her best but its not easy and im not understanding that she isnt able to do everything perfectly, and i found out she wanted to suicide when she broke up with her boyfriend. I literally couldn't handle that and colapsed emotionally, I said promise me to never do that again and now i cant continue through the internet because i dont want her to do that, I wanna make her happy and care for her, i want her to be my life partner.


    Right now she says she doesn't feel anything, she lost the feelings and needs time to recover from her boyfriend. She feels like this relationship has no meaning mainly because she feels like she is abusing me to feel loved and doesnt want me to suffer from all of this while she thinks this wont work. She has bad thoughts and doubts about this relationship because of me and i told her i wanna go through this, i wanna find out where i will end, i wanna meet you.

    I convinced her and she said she'll give it a try but she doesn't feel anything anymore. I told her she never met me, im not depressed at all in real life im a total normal person but this LDR is just making me like this. You wont see me change through the internet, you wont see me from all of my side in the internet, you wont be able to tell if this will work or not. You have to meet me in real life if you wanna find out.

    I asked her once before what she would do if i was gonna fly over without her knowing and she said that would be pretty uncool from you but i would still accept you.

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Now that I found out about everything she has done, especially suicide. Knowing her she doesnt know what she wants, she is always confused and unaware of stuff, she doesnt wanna think about all of this because she is lazy. Everything she went through, I wanna make this up for her. She knows that im a loyal and really good person, she said that herself today, but she doesnt think she deserves me, i should find somebody else because she is trouble for me.

    To make everything clear this was her last message "...sorry..
    I cant do anything perfect...
    and thats just hard for you to understand.
    and you know what?, if its gonna be like this.. pushing..challenges to make us both be connected, maybe I dont wanna hold onto that. I fell like this is all for nothing..we laugh, smile, and most importantly we "love" but I dont feel that way, I dont feel like we have a great connecting anymore and thats why I have a few things to discus tomorrow. but for now I hope your depressed Iittle mind gets some rest ok?. goodnight.. discliper"


    She has a negative perspective of this relationship now and thinks that we wont make this work but she'll still try. She expects us to meetup between 2-5 years. In my opinion she really needs me right now, she is really depressed she said and her boyfriend, the thoughts of him just make everything worse. She just needs someone by her side to love her and dont think about nothing for a while but focus on loving in real life.


    THE SPECIAL MEETUP: My parents wouldn't let me as i know to fly to denmark because im 17 and they're sceptical, my father wont allow it at all. I wanna meet her this August and be with her 3 weeks. She said she has 3 weeks free on august. So i wanna collect the money really quickly and fly over to denmark without her knowing.

    I dont know how she is gonna react though. We agreed i would stay at her home until i leave but what if she reacts scared towards me or sceptical? I wouldnt have nowhere to live, hotels are way too expensive.

    I just really feel like this is the only thing that is going to save us, she really just needs a lover next to her right now and forget about everything for a moment, she is really confused.
    I'd run away from home to fly to denmark this august. I wanna hear your opinions on that, is it gonna be safe ? Does she need me by her side ?

    #2
    Hi and welcome. Surprise visits are a big gamble, even for couples who have met before. I wouldn't recommend one for a first meeting.

    Comment


      #3
      I think there is a lot of things wrong with your plan. #1 is running away from home. I can't imagine how worried your parents would be. #2 is surprise visiting someone who has already said that would be "uncool" of you. Your relationship sounds like it is very forced. When two people love each other, they don't need to make staying connected a "challenge" or else "the loser has to do something." #3: You also can't surprise visit someone you've never met before and expect them to let you crash at their place for 3 weeks. #4: You think that surprising her and meeting her in person will magically make her love you and want to be with you, but it is only going to make you look crazy and scare her. It sounds like she has told you many times that she needs time to get over her ex. That she doesn't feel connected to you. She has given many signs that she does not want this relationship. In a relationship, you need to respect each other, and you're not respecting her feelings at all. Please give her the space she needs and stop forcing her into a relationship with you; it won't end well.
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        #4
        Thanks you two, especially you Michelle.

        You gave me a really good overview of what a jerk and asshole i am.

        I actually talked with her Yesterday about everything again after Posting this. I definetly made her lose all Feelings for me and thats Not the First time too. She lost her Feelings for me 2 Times now and somehow we managed to make a Comeback and she loved me again.

        I feel so Bad. She does Care Like it seems to me, but i am the one who makes things worse because im not used to any of this and those are still my First experiences that i need to adapt to.

        She gave me another chance and i told her i'll definetly give her time and wont Push her. I'm still her Boyfriend the only Thing that changed is that she doesnt Say i Love you Back, but thats understandable, other than that we still somewhat Talk the Same about Like before, the future and so on, we actually had fun and slept together in Skype until now too, it was a positive and comfortable nice new beginning.

        However, this is surely my Last Chance to make this relationship work and i really Hope for the best.

        Do you think she will have Feelings for me again by time?
        I could need some tips and advice please, our parents know about this relationship both my parents know her and her parents know me and our friends know about this too, after everything that has happened i'm sure she'd feel more uncomfortable to end this relationship and spread out the message to everyone asking that it is over.
        Last edited by Discliper; May 13, 2018, 03:20 AM. Reason: Additional sentence asking for tips and advice

        Comment


          #5
          Listen to Michelle... I understand that you are hoping to get assurances from people here, or a strategy on how to make her love you, how to make this work... but it doesn't work like this. You can't "control" someone else... and trying to do so is very bad behavior.

          You wanting to surprise visit her, is in a way forcing her hand, controlling her behavior towards you and I don't think it ever works out in the end.

          What you need to do is be patient, be yourself, and keep talking/communicating. Patience is not about waiting or time, it's about trying your best to be and stay positive and believing, without forcing, that in the end all will be well. This could be with this girl or with another...

          You could say a lot of things about what love is... about wanting your partner to be happy, about completing each other, about compromise, support, falling in love, butterflies, but what Love is not about is controlling someone else...

          I hope you find your balance and peace... and maybe it will work out, and maybe it won't but this won't depend on you alone, and it will certainly not work out if you try to control the situation or try to force it ;-) Good luck!

          Comment


            #6
            Thank you very much.

            I'd like to update you all on my Situation.

            I realised last Friday that my feelings for her were just way too strong, I had to kill my feelings towards her so I can get my emotions under control. I collected a little perspective over her, she's mostly "busy" aka going out with friends and being just social in public in general and she sometimes forgets to message me and go to sleep if she had a bad day. She doesn't really think about me, how i am doing, how i feel right now and so on because she is always distracted.

            We got to hear each other on Friday and talked about our plans and I calmly but secretely talked about that she could message me more and afterwards and made us some fun times with some unusual conversations. She said Saturday she'll be really busy because she promised some friends to do some stuff. That was okay, she would message me if she had time. So I let time pass, waiting for her, getting bored, and then she comes online. Nothing, doesn't even bother. I messaged her and she said stop texting me. I said alright let me know if you feel better, but then I got a flashback of the other times this happened and i got in a mix of sad and anger. I texted her that I cant wait, its serious and that i feel really hurt and have really bad thoughts. That made her talk with me, then we discussed everything and we said we'll "sleep" through skype on sunday. And it happened, it was the best conversation we ever had in my opinion, i never had so much fun and laughed so hard at what we talked about. This was the point where it started to get better again, and she has stronger feelings for me then before.

            Before I was always sad when she wasn't here, had nothing to do and just waited for her the whole day, WHICH WAS WRONG. I reserved my time for a person who's mostly outside, I wanted her to take more time for me and I didn't do stuff with my friends because of her. This was seriously wrong from my side, and i realised that when i talked with my cousin on monday, she told me about her relationship with her boyfriends and everything that he had done wrong.

            So before all of this, I used Saturday, the day she had a bad day, to kill my feelings towards her a little bit, so i dont depend on her so much. Yes it was necessary, I felt the need to kill my love feelings for her, but not completely. I was outside the whole weekend too which kept me distracted and i didnt bother to check on her because after that i would start getting thoughts.

            Now that I have done this, I feel more comfortable, and im sure she does too. We should of actually talked on monday in the evening for couple of hours, but she fell asleep without me knowing, she was online the whole time though she forgot to go offline. But i went offline for the whole day because i was outside, and i checked her status in the night. It didn't bother me. This morning she messaged me this:

            hello *censored name*, I'm sorry about yesterday I completely forgot about it and fell asleep once I came home ( hope you can forgive me )
            anyway I'm gonna go to work now and I hope you have a wonderful day, bye!:heart:

            And I replied:

            Good morning *censored name* my sweetheart! It's fine No worries atleast you got some Rest for yourself, im thankful that you messaged me and i Wish you a Lot of fun and a great day too. If you already know, is There a possibility we can Talk ? If Not then Just Message me when you do Darling. I Love you so much honey! I'll Miss you :smirk::kissing_heart::sparkling_heart::heartbeat:


            I'm sure there are always gonna be days where things will go really badly, but we both know that, we are totally aware of this and hopefully we'll still stay strong after that, thank you all so much

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