Never mets. Potential meet. Need some advice

[Barry]

I met a girl through a mutual friend 7 weeks ago on facebook. she lives in germany ( munich) and i live in england. we have been chatting everyday on facebook messaging each other a lot during work lol. we like each other a lot and she tells me the same. after a month of talking i mentioned how i would love to visit berlin one day as i have never been and would be nice if she could show me around the city. she said that would be nice idea.

we have talked a lot on facebook trying to get to know each other. she said she was single and i told her i liked her and want to see her. i asked for her number so we can text etc. i have been asking for the last 2 weeks to skype and she said yes we must do that. but everytime i try to plan a time in the evening she is vague . finally last mon i asked her lets skype wed and we agreed time as she would be home that evening and after work on wed i came home and waited for her and she never turned up on skype. i even tried calling her on her phone but to no avail.

the next day while we were both at work we chatted as again on facebook and i told her i was mad with her she stood me up and i waited. she apologised saying she was sorry and that she came straight home and was not feeling well and went straight to sleep.

i have subsequently tried to arrange skype with her but she says she is busy and is only home to sleep. she also says she is moving out to a one bed flat next month and is busy with that.
i mean cmon if she really likes me surely she can afford 30 mins in the week to chat properly rather than this facebook message crap?
also i only ever chat with her during worktime. as soon as she finishes work shes always doing something and weekends the same too so i never get to talk or chat to her properly then either.

she tells me how much she wants me to visit her in munich when she gets her new flat and i tell her iwant to and she keeps saying that i hope i mean it. so last week after the skype fiasco i asked her about meeting together in berlin. i sent her dates i could do and she said yes those dates work for me too. (the dates are in 4 weeks im planning). i found hotels and flights and sent them to her and made a joke about how she can pay for the expensive one for me to stay in and il pay for her to stay in the cheap one lol. so i said il book flights when i get paid next week. she said but yesterday she messaged me saying she has good news for me. she tells me she spoke to her friend and that they are now coming to london in 5 weeks time. i didnt reply and she messaged me again saying " are u nothappy about that?"
i replied saying that we made a plan and i was coming to germany in 4 weeks time. she then said that that weekend she is moving flat so cant do that weekend anymore. i told her that i dont live in london atm ( she already knew that. i have a job north of england but my family and home is in london). i asked her why dont she come to my current city but she wants to come london with her friend.

what do i do now? im confused and wasting my time? is this how yours nevermets happened?

[Mar939]

it sounds weird! looks like she has something beside her that keeps her busy. If I were you wait with that visit to germany.
Create some space between you and her. From my point of view it looks like you do all the work and she is just liking it but when it get serious she is avoiding you.

I think it will help to keep yourself a bit quiet, see if she will talk and put time in you. maybe she is busy with all things over there but yes she can say that and yes she can give 30 min. of her time to you.
It isnt good if you are the one who try to keep it up and work on it. has to be both sides.

goodluck with it

[Ranidae]

OK, let's recap.
You've never met IRL. You haven't managed to Skype. You're trying to organize a meeting, but she's moving to a new flat on the weekend you chose to fly... BUT she's offering alternatively to meet you in London in 5 weeks.

There were lots of red flags in your story (it begins as a classic catfish case, tbh):
- If Skype doesn't work or she's too shy, she can always call on Viber or Whatsapp.
- "i mean cmon if she really likes me surely she can afford 30 mins in the week to chat properly rather than this facebook message crap?" --> Yup. Exactly.

On the other hand, there are some silver linings here:
1. You haven't booked the trip to Berlin yet = zero impact on your finances.
2. Taking a train from Northern England to London is surely cheaper and easier.
3. It's your country, your turf! In case it goes south, you'll know how to get home!

What I'd suggest: don't book the trip to Berlin, and try to meet her in London instead. If she stands you up again, well... you'd only have lost 5 weeks of your time. And a round-trip train ticket. No big deal.

Good luck and keep us posted

[RedPillow]

I agree with postponing your trip to Germany for now. I wouldn’t risk going to another country for someone you have never even seen on video or voice call or really by any extent to have confirmed their identity. Honestly I would even hesitate to take a train to the city before doing these things. If she hasn’t “found the time” (an excuse imo) to call you in 7 weeks time, that is a huge red flag to me. I’m assuming you’re both adults, if she can’t be real with you I would be extremely worried she is hiding something. Either about who she is, possibly her relationship status.

How well do you know this mutual friend of yours? Did they actually introduce the two of you, or did you just add each other on FB because you shared a friend? There’s so many factors. I think the fact that you’re already questioning her intentions is a sign that something fishy is going on here.

I’d tread carefully. Maybe tell her you wouldn’t feel comfortable meeting until you video chat and see how she responds. See what happens in the next 5 weeks. If she is still making minimal effort I’d cut my losses and move on. 7 weeks is a short period of time, even if you wait it out the next 5, if things fall through with the London visit and/or she is still refusing to further communicate with you... let it go. Some people like the attention of talking to someone without ever actually intending to see them in person.

[ruya]

My first thought was that the girl is very shy about skype.. i read here on this forum that some people had real issues with this, just couldn't do it for many months, sort of like getting panic attacks when trying...

But the rest is a bit up and down, like great she is coming to London, you made it sound like she was excited ("Good news") but it's still weird..
Ranidae gave a great advice! I totally agree

[Atlantic Crossroads]

My first thought was that the girl is very shy about skype.. i read here on this forum that some people had real issues with this, just couldn't do it for many months, sort of like getting panic attacks when trying...

My first experience with audio only on Discord was all kinds of awkward. It took me a week to get the inbuilt microphone working, for a start! When we did call, I forgot to talk into the mic, and just kept habitually typing. Then when I remembered I had a microphone, I had no idea what to say!

Our first video call was interesting. The first few, actually. Very first call, I was super anxious, and had to mentally prepare myself for about 2 hours, I think. When we eventually did connect, I freaked out and hung up, so we resumed typing. For numerous calls after that, I wouldn't look at the camera. When I eventually managed eye contact, I laughed a lot. Many, many times. I just broke into fits of laughter, and I couldn't stop. I actually managed to make him crack in one call too. So, naturally I got a screenshot of that!

I also developed hot flashes! So that had me up and down like a yo-yo opening doors and windows to cool off, then getting back up to shut them again later. Also had that multiple times in a call, and also for numerous calls. Come to think of it, I had that last time too.

Yeah, the early days of our relationship were fun.

[Barry]

update : the last week we have been texting still. iv been asking questions trying to get to know about her. past relationships etc. shes been saying how i make her happy etc. her aunt was in a carcrash and i said id like to send flowers and she said i was cute and that i make her happy.

but still no skype or phone call. i even said 10mins before u go sleep il call u in bed but she always has excuses. shes booked her flights to london she told me and says shes so excited to see me and promises she will like me. but why she not excited to speak on skype or phone call? i am excited to do so.
i told her i have booked dinner in this nice amazing romantoc place and she said she is a romantic girl and that she hopes i romance her

[autumn1790]

She isn't willing to call you, but has the courage to meet you in person..? That doesn't add up. Do you have any physical proof that the flights are real, an itinerary or anything? I wouldn't just be taking her word for it anymore.

[Barry]

we have had a 5 min convo a few weeks ago on the phone but was super hard to actually get to know her as she was in a festival so very loud.
well yes surely i have to put pressure to want to meet cos thats what i want to do. i dont want to waste my time. also she is the one saying how she hopes i visit her when she moves to her one bed flat. shes the one saying how excited she wants to see me and if the weekend goes well i can fly over and stay longer with her. not sure what exactly im doing wrong? if the girl thought i was too much why is responding still in a postive manner saying all these things about wanting us to work etc?

i have seen her tickets she is def coming. its not a catfish.

i have been reading all threads on this website and people who have met for the first time they have stayed the the first nights together and not had a friend accompany them. is this the action of a girl who likes me and wants to sleep with me? am i wasting my time taking a 2 hour train from north england to london to visit her? also where would i stay? what about plans? im.not going to london and not spend the whole weekend with her. thats stupid no

[2Rocky]

Barry,

I'm not sure about your personal moral boundaries, but if I'm traveling to meet someone of the opposite sex who I find attractive, I'm going to be pretty upfront that we are going to share a room and sex is on the agenda. The time together is too limited. Now that requires a lot of trust on both people's part, but if you both are in your Mid 20's you should be able to communicate about sex.

Here is my concern. Who is the third wheel? You or her friend she is coming to see? Some body is gonna get butt hurt being left out. Establish a one on one date.

[Barry]

UPDATE

Barry,

I'm not sure about your personal moral boundaries, but if I'm traveling to meet someone of the opposite sex who I find attractive, I'm going to be pretty upfront that we are going to share a room and sex is on the agenda. The time together is too limited. Now that requires a lot of trust on both people's part, but if you both are in your Mid 20's you should be able to communicate about sex.

Here is my concern. Who is the third wheel? You or her friend she is coming to see? Some body is gonna get butt hurt being left out. Establish a one on one date.

UPDATE


yes i did like the girl and we had chatted a lot on messenger texting etc. what has happened a few things.

we were chatting on messenger and she was reassuring me about the fact that height doesnt matter to her ( she is taller than me) and age doesnt either ( she is younger than me) and was telling me how much she likes me and misses me and reassured me that "if i didnt like you i wouldnt want to come to london and see you etc"


when i asked her when shall i ask her to be my girlfriend she replied " when it is the right time (cheeky smile)".


i had booked a restuarnt, a nice romantic frnech one as she told me she likes french food and likes to be romanced and hopes i romance her. so if a girl tells you this what am i supposed to do?!


she told me that we would have time just the two of us to do some things like dinner and clubbing and that her friend can meet her other friends. she said that maybe i could stay with her and her friend in the room but to keep it spontanoeus and then asked me what i thought. i said ok.


anyways what happened after this was i added her freind who was coming to london with her on fb and sent her a message asking if the restaurant i had booked was fine and her thoughts as she knows her better than me. she replied that she thought it was too much. i replied again but never heard from her. anyways i then cancelled the restaurant and booked a more basic one.


everything is goin ok atm. still havnt skyped her as she has no time apaprently and after a few days she stops replying. i hadnt heard from her in a few days. so i sent her a text saying " i thought you said you dont play with poeples feelings and play games. i think you are better off finding someone you really into clsoer to home. thanx i enojyed chatting with you"


she replied " dont block me. i will explaoin everything in a bit. im just on my way to my grandmas"


so i unblocked her and she sent me this " the reason i havnt written you much the last few days is because i wanted to make sure my feeling for you were real and they are. i want to visit you and i really like you and see you. what do you want?"


i replied " i want the same and i want us to work. i have feelings for you too and want to visit you in your country and stay with you in your new flat. you want the same?"


she replied " yes i want the same too. i cant wait to see you kiss kiss"


so i bought tickets also to a nightclub for the three of us and booked a tour of london for the two of us too as a suprise. the last 10 days before she flew in things got weird ( if they werent weird already). she didnt talk to me as much. her replies were short and colder. i was trying to make convo as normal like how we used to talk. she told me her friends knew about me. she then started to get snappy and rude to me when i asked her how come we dont talk as much anymore and i was getting frustrated that we hadnt even skyped. i know she was moving out that weekend but still. anyways that weekend she was moving out i didnt hear from her once and then on the monday i sent a message sayign how it was and she replied. i suggested that we should skype before she flies in to talk about arrnagements and me picking her up from the airport etc and she said sure we have to do that.


well we hardly talked that week also. ( literally it went from 50 messages a day at the start 2 months ago to like 1 message every 2 days). her nice sweet messages disappeared.
well we ended up meeting and it didnt go well. she looked and acted like she wasnt interested in me in any way and when i spoke privately to her friend about what was going on and her thoughts about me, her friend said she only sees me as a friend. but she was just cold and distant towards me. dinner didnt happen and her wanting to dance with me in the club was bull****.



what a F***** waste of time. im hurt i facnied her and really liked her. i got f***** over.



when she returned home she didnt reply to any of my messages apart fomr saying she only ever thought of me as a friend and when she said she had feelings for me she meant it as a friend.




so my fault? what did i do wrong?

[Atlantic Crossroads]

I don't think you did anything wrong, personally.
She didn't make it clear what she meant when she said she had feelings for you. Why would you take time out to be sure your feelings for a friend were real? That makes no sense to me at all.
When me and my SO first started talking, we established on day two that we were both looking for something romantic, but that if that didn't happen, friendship was ok.

[Barry]

I don't think you did anything wrong, personally.
She didn't make it clear what she meant when she said she had feelings for you. Why would you take time out to be sure your feelings for a friend were real? That makes no sense to me at all.
When me and my SO first started talking, we established on day two that we were both looking for something romantic, but that if that didn't happen, friendship was ok.

what was your story? id like to hear

[Barry]

the thing i dont understand is at the beginning we were talking a lot. i didnt know she liked me until we were talking evevry day and she was saying romantic things about amazing i am and we were talking about past exes and how this would be the first time trying a long distance. she was like it can work with the right people. at the beginning she would initiate and id ask her flirty sexual stuff like " i cant wait to kiss you" etc and she would respond " you will have to wait and see in a few weeks if you want to".
she would say she wants to dance with me and no other girl to dance with me in the club when we meet etc.

something went wrong with her towards me 2 weeks before she flew in amd it cant be just cos she was busy moving to a one bed flat for herself. she got colder and when i would write her something she would just respond " i look forward seeing u ". her warmth and nice sweet texts saying she missed me all disappeared. she got ratty with me and still didnt make time to skype. i even asked her what is going on with us , i feel like its changed and you are distant with me and dont talk as much. she replied " really? im busy. no time to write. i look forward seeing u in london"
and when i responded to that saying yes we barely talk like we used to she then snapped at me saying "What DO YOU WANT from me?!!!"

when i asked her are we meant to write to each other every day or? she replied i dont know. like she didnt really care. as i was confused we were going from writing to each other every day to nothing really. i wanted to know what her expectations were and i didnt want to message her every day hassling her.
can a girl help me understamd that mindset? maybe she saw a new pic of me on facebook that was ugly...? maybe she was not serious about me ever?

even the weekend she was moving out and we had originally made plans to meet in berlin she could have invited me to her moving out weekend as she had a party.