I fucked up

I've been in a gradual downward spiral with my PTSD since January, and although I'm nowhere near as bad as I was 3 years ago, I've still gotten to the point where I realize I'm in desperate need of a therapist. Fortunately for me, my therapist from 3 years ago remembers me, and I'm going to be seeing him on Wednesday.
I'm once again having flashbacks on a nightly basis, and I'll experience random anxiety or panic attacks, and random bursts of anger. I feel like I'm constantly on edge, and one night I even ended up having a total meltdown in front of my dad while we were in the kitchen. I've stopped actively talking to people, I'm not eating as regularly as I should, I don't sleep well at all, and generally this is just having a large negative impact on my whole fainting thing.
Basically, I'm a mess.

While sleeping, I had a particularly bad flashback. When I "woke up", I apparently freaked the fuck out on my s/o and broke up with him over WhatsApp. I don't remember doing this, but I do remember feeling randomly furious. I was really kinda mean about it all, too. Like, I really let him have it. If I had actually wanted to end the relationship and he and I were on bad terms, then it would've been a beautiful shutdown. However, I don't actually want to leave my s/o.

I lashed out at him specifically, because back in January, he said something incredibly cruel about my trauma to me during the anniversary of my trauma (traumaversary?). Of all the times to be a thick-headed dumb ass, that was easily the worst. I ended up internalizing what he said, and it became a tool of deprecation. If I started to have an anxiety attack, or something would happen that would trigger me, what he said would just pop into my mind, and then my mind would run with it and make everything a million times worse.

I absolutely and rather thoroughly tore him a new one when he initially made the comment, and I knew it still really hurt and kinda fucked me up a little, but I didn't realize until my little freak out this morning just how much I apparently still harbor resentment towards him for saying it. I also went off on him for other things that, although they bothered me a little bit, I would never in my right mind go off on him for like I did. They were things like, "We don't get to talk as often as I'd like to" or "I'm scared you're going to bail on me last minute, and not come across for my birthday as planned."
Like, things that really aren't a huge issue and that I could've very easily just talked to him calmly about.

But no, I had to go crazy and blow up at him.

What makes it worse, though, is that he hasn't even gotten the messages yet AND I CAN'T STOP THEM FROM BEING SENT! WhatsApp occasionally withholds our messages for random amounts of time, uploading them to their servers but not actually delivering the messages. It's so dumb, and it's REALLY screwing me over right now. I tried so hard to find a way to delete those messages.

I decided to send him a message on skype as a heads up, because skype is considerably reliable for us and he usually always gets my messages there. I let him know that I had a flashback and ultimately freaked out on him, but I also apologized and told him that we should at least talk it out whenever he finally gets the messages. He didn't respond to my skype message, so idk if he saw it yet. I DID send it kinda late (his time). Obviously I have some issues, and while the therapist can help me with my mental ones, my s/o and I are the only two people who can solve the issues in our relationship.

So right now, I'm quite scared. I just accidentally broke up with my boyfriend after freaking out on him out of the blue, and he has absolutely no idea yet. If this ends things, then I can't say I'm surprised, but I'm hoping it doesn't. I know it's a lot to handle, and I know I'm going to ruin every relationship I have if I can't keep this under control (and tbh I probably shouldn't be in a relationship until it is under control), but I still don't want to be left in the dust--especially over an accident. He didn't deserve it. I'm desperately wishing he gets my skype message first, but in the meantime, I'm gonna be terrified until he sees the messages. There's nothing I can do now.

I've got absolutely no idea what to, anyway, outside of talk to my therapist about this on Wednesday.

But FUCK.

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5 comments

#3

80anthea commented

March 17, 2015, 04:23 AM

Editing a comment
I hope he responds soon and that you at least get to talk about it. I think all you can do is be honest with him about everything and take it from there.
#4

TheSteelAngel commented

March 17, 2015, 08:02 AM

Editing a comment
Omg I don't know what to say I hope you hear from him soon and I'm so glad that you're getting the help you need. PTSD is very serious and if not treated it could be a total relationship killer. Keep strong
#5

whatruckus commented

March 17, 2015, 08:13 AM

Editing a comment
Well, he should be understanding of it since you were having a flashback, and didn't even know what you were doing at the time. Especially, if he knows what happened to you and knows that you have PTSD. But, at the same time, I also really hope he's the type of person that cared enough to research PTSD and what triggers are. I did. It helps to understand and learn. Though, I also wouldn't blame him for being upset, he should still talk to you about it when, and if, he does get those messages. At least, you gave him a heads up about it so he knows what to expect and knows that it was a mistake.

You are a strong person to overcome what you've gone through, don't let the PTSD and anxiety take over your life. I think it's awesome that you recognize you need to go back to your therapist and are taking the steps to do so.

Announcement

I fucked up