I had a miscarriage back in May, 2018, and I've been trying to get pregnant every month since then. I couldn't have sex every single month, because husband got deployed, but I still worked on trying to regain my fertility. It's been my biggest project and I've been taking it very seriously. I'm a pro at peeing on those stupid little sticks.

I have not ovulated since February 2018. No matter what I've done, nothing is working. I'm terrified we'll have to resort to IUI or IVF, because those are extremely expensive(not covered by insurance!) and we can't afford it. It's hard to wrap our heads around spending thousands of dollars on IUI or IVF, and not even knowing that it'll 100% work.

Meanwhile, my friends, classmates, coworkers, etc. are getting pregnant. I'm so happy for them, but every new announcement is like another blow to my confidence. I miss my baby. I want my baby. It fucks me up that it's just not happening, and it's really taking a toll on me. I feel hopeless. I feel like I failed at something so simple. I feel like I'm responsible for it all, even though I know that's not true. It's just hard to continue to believe that no, it's just my hormones. Surely I'm doing something wrong by this point?

I admit, sometimes I get really mad when I see some of my friends complaining about pregnancy problems or new baby problems. I try to avoid pregnancy conversations to the best of my ability. No, I don't want to see your ultrasound photos. It's nothing personal. I can't even get a lot of support from most of my friends, because they don't get it. They've never experienced a miscarriage or dealt with infertility. I actually had one friend who brushed me off and told me that "it's best for me to just adopt", and she went on to tell me that fertile people don't have to adopt since they can just give birth to their own kids, but it's selfish for infertile people to want to have the same experience.
She did apologize later, after I chewed her ass out. Still, I don't talk to her about my struggles anymore.

I hate my postpartum body. I gained 20-25 pounds, and I have a little pouch even though my stomach never got that big. No matter what I do, I can't get rid of the weight or the stupid pouch. I grow facial hair now as well. I've also developed sensitivities to foods that I didn't have before, which was really weird. I just feel like a stranger in my own body. I don't have a period naturally, and need to force it with progesterone supplements. I don't ovulate, even though I've tried letrozole and am still on clomid. I'm also on metformin even though I'm not insulin-resistant. Some women report that it helped bolster weightloss and boost fertility. Can't say I've had the same results.

Long story short, I hate myself and I hate what my body has become.