After two years of trying to get pregnant again, my husband has suddenly decided no. This turned into a massive fight, and I'm not too sure I'm entirely over it yet.

I have anovulatory PCOS, so I cannot get pregnant naturally anymore. For the past two years, I've been seeing different doctors, trying out different medications, getting all sorts of different exams, more bloodwork than I would ever want to get again (at one point, having 16 test tubes worth drawn), and fighting with my hormones. I've been seeing a therapist, struggling with nightmares about my infertility and miscarriage, and largely feeling very alone in this struggle, no matter how many times I talk to my therapist or my husband.

So two and a half weeks ago, we had a consultation with the fertility specialist. He wanted me to start letrozole and clomid at the same time, and then get a trigger shot to force ovulation, and then I'd get pregnant. We were down with it until he mentioned the trigger shot, because we had to figure out some expenses around the house real quick (we were dealt a heavy financial blow due to animal medical expenses), so I asked if we could push it back, and double-checked with my husband that he wanted to push it back as well. Husband said okay, and then the doctor suggested August. I said that sounded perfect, so we went ahead with planning everything out, and I was feeling very excited that the fertility struggle was hopefully coming to an end.

We get out to the car, and my husband tells me "no". He just totally shuts down the idea, without compromise. I asked him why he didn't speak up in the doctor's office, and he told me it was because he knew I was going to start a fight. Except I wasn't. I would have been upset, sure, but I know better than to start a fucking fight in front of other people. When I tried to tell him that wasn't the case, he doubled down and insisted I was going to start a fight, and he could tell because of the tone of my voice. I still don't understand. Either way, I told him I wasn't going to have this discussion with him in the parking lot, so we should go home. It's an hour's drive, so that was the longest and quietest drive of our marriage.

When we got home, I asked him if he no longer wanted to have kids with me. He said he does, so I asked if he was sure, and then why he suddenly decided that now, after two years, he would suddenly want to stop. He started ranting about our finances, and how he wanted to save up. That's fine. He couldn't give me a number for how much he wanted to save, and he couldn't give me a timeline for how long he wanted to save up. I told him that I am NOT waiting around indefinitely for this mysterious amount of money, because that is completely unfair and really cruel. How dare he have me go through all of that, and then when things are finally looking good, he tries to shut it down? Furthermore, my uterus is, genetically, a ticking time bomb. Once I turn 30, my chances of having a very high risk pregnancy, and my risk of dying, goes up. It happened to my grandmother and her sister, it happened to my mother, and it happened to my sister. I'm gonna go ahead and say that it's gonna happen to me too. I feel like that's a pretty safe bet. My mom had to be resuscitated while trying to give birth to my sister, and ended up needing an emergency c-section because my sister was somehow lodged up under her ribcage, which had to be broken open in order to get my sister out. My sister had a fibroid tumor pressing on the uterus where the placenta was, and she had to go into early, induced labor due to preeclampsia and the tumor expanding.

I told all this to my husband, and he told me that I was making a self-fulfilling prophecy by talking about it. I told him that's now how genetics fucking work. I also told him that I understood he was afraid because of finances, and I said I worried too, but we'd have 9 months to save up, and I've been applying for jobs--one of which seems like it will work out for me. There are FINALLY jobs available that I can do. But apparently, that wasn't good enough. He got angry.

"You know, that's something that really pisses me off. It's awful convenient that, now that you really want kids, suddenly there are all these jobs available that you can do. You weren't even searching in earnest for these past three years. The jobs were there; you just didn't want to work."

That was a horrible, horrible fucking blow. Not only is it not true, but he continued to scream over me when I tried to explain that 1, I have no control over what jobs are available, and 2, the jobs available in the past were either scams, things I was not qualified/certified for, or things I simply couldn't do because my seizures make me a liability. Furthermore, he's told me, repeatedly, for the past three years, that he was okay with me not working. He knew I was looking for jobs and doing my best to find work. He knew that I was working on commissions to try to bring in some extra cash. He knew all this, and he reassured me it was all fine since he also knew one of my biggest insecurities was how I haven't been able to contribute financially.

He yelled at me about how he couldn't have possibly known that I was still looking and applying, because I never told him. I reminded him that I would tell him, it's just that I wouldn't tell him every single time I was looking at jobs, because there's no sense in bringing them up if there's nothing I can apply to. I also don't tell him how often I've looked at the kids currently up for adoption, how much it would cost, and if it would be worthwhile for us right now. He went on to yell at me that even though he told me he was fine with me not having a job, it was still shitty for me to wait so long to actually apply for jobs. Again, I've been looking and applying for 3 years.

I was really fucking upset over that, so I told him I needed to be by myself for a bit and walked away. I went into the bedroom, and he fucking followed me to continue the fight. I kept yelling at him to leave me alone, because what he said was really, really mean and I didn't want to talk to him. He refused, and eventually started being like "You're right. I'm a piece of shit. Everything I do is wrong, and I can't do anything right. I'm sorry for being so awful." That, of course, made everything worse and I was basically screaming at him to leave me alone.

He came back two more times, far calmer than the first time. He apologized, but I really wasn't having any of it and told him to leave me alone. He asked if there was anything he could do, and I told him he had done more than enough. The third time he came in, he told me he made food and he wanted me to eat. I told him to, once again, leave me alone and I'd come out when I was ready. I came out about a half hour later, and he was really quiet. I told him that what he did was completely unacceptable, and either he started seeing his therapist again, or I was going to his 1st sgt and telling him what happened, which would mean he'd get in trouble AND have to see his therapist. I also demanded proof of each appointment, and told him that if this ever happens again, I'm gone. I spent 27 years being my mom's emotional punching bag, and I'm not about to spend the rest of my life being his. He agreed to this, and to my pleasant surprise, has made two appointments with his therapist so far.

He has since repeatedly apologized, saying he doesn't know WHY he got so angry or spoke to me like that, that he doesn't actually feel that way, and that he's afraid of losing me. I told him that I no longer trust him as much as I used to, because that was an awful, cruel trap that I had no chance of escaping. I told him it's going to take time to rebuild that, but I still loved him and I still wanted to have a family with him.

I repeated that I'm not waiting around forever, and I demanded a number. I told him that, whether he wants to have sex or not, I'm going through with the pills and the shot, because I have every right to know if this is even going to work for me. He got mad again and was like "Oh, so what I think doesn't matter??" and I told him he doesn't get to tell me what to do with my body, so he was like "But you can tell me what to do with mine?!" I yelled at him about how I wasn't going to fucking rape him, and that I had very clearly said that we do not have to have sex. He said he never thought I would rape him, but also couldn't tell me how else I would be able to control his body in this situation. I guess he temporarily forgot that you have to have sex to get pregnant.

So where we are now is that he wants to save $10,000 before we try to get pregnant. We had $7500 in savings, but he paid off his credit card, so now we have $6500. He won't put any money from his paychecks into savings, so idk where he thinks we're going to get the money, because my possible job doesn't start until July 30th. I had to pull teeth to get him to transfer $100 into savings, because he's decided we need to have at least $3000 in checking at all times. If I get the job, then I won't be able to try to get pregnant until September, anyway, because I'm contractually obligated to cancel all my appointments to make sure I have a clear schedule for training and certification. So we have until August or September to get $10,000 in savings. I can't help but feel like he's setting me up for another trap. He says he's not, but I just can't shake the feeling. He keeps saying that he wants to have kids with me, but I'm really not getting that feeling.

I feel like if we fail to reach the goal, it's going to turn into another HUGE fight. I just don't think I'll be able to convince myself he didn't set us up to fail. Oh, it's also worth mentioning that one of his reasons he didn't want to try right now is that it's expensive to have a baby. Thing is, the military pays for you to have a baby. Right now is literally the CHEAPEST time for us to have a baby. If finances are so worrisome (they're not), then surely that alone would be a good enough reason to try now?

Idk. I got the phone call today about the fertility meds, and I should have them by Wednesday. I'm still going through with this, even if he doesn't want to actually have sex. I have a right to know if all the tests, stress, and heartache were worth it.