I am not usually a blogger, but I have been so depressed, I thought maybe this would help.

So, I know I should be super happy. I have my husband by my side now. I am grateful, but I am also so unhappy in some ways. Not with him, he is wonderful. I just gave up so much, and he did too, for us to get here, that I feel a bit beaten down. I have no friends here, we were too broke to go out or join any clubs or anything. I spend most of my days alone while he is at work or commuting to work. I work online as much as I can from house but my USA company is dead. I clean our house and cook our food, do our laundry and try to find ways to make more money via other online work too. It was a horrid winter. No oil for 90 percent of the time. Alone, wrapped in blankets freezing till he came home from work at 10pm or so. Miserable. Only basic cheap food day after day, pasta and tuna, grilled cheese and soup. So, sick of cheap same food. I have only one suitcase of clothes to wear. Most are in storage in NL or USA which I have not had money to get for past year and a half. I quit smoking, it was bad for me and I could not afford it, so still missing that, not helping my depression.

I spent a good few hours a day helping him job hunt. I searched the sites, I applied online for him, did most of his assessments and corresponded with the recruiters right up till his interviews, he was fine with it, he was too tired to do much himself. Now, finally, we found him a new job. Here, only a half hour away. No more long commute. No more huge train monthly train pass expense. It evens pays a bit more. No more move needed again. I should be so happy, right? I am not. I am just empty.

I feel I gave all I had to give to get here and now I am here and I am just too broken to enjoy it, or anything. I spent 3 years on planes to get to this point. As I said, I know I am depressed. I miss my USA. I miss my pets I had to give up to my ex. I miss my car I had to sell. I miss my mom, my friends and my daughter (grown) madly. I miss my old stomping grounds. I miss so much of my old life. I even miss Walmart.

I was a social butterfly, I loved being around people. It is one huge part of whole I am and what makes me, me. I feel like now I am a shell of who I was. I cherish my 2 hours a day with him, and his rare days off. I adore him, I love him, and I don't regret leaving but I also ache so bad. I just keep hoping we can get on our feet and I can start leaving my house without guilt and start meeting friends. It's been over a frakin year and I think I am losing a part of me in my sadness. I used to be such a fun happy person.

It is really hard because, I had so much material stuff in my past. I had a huge house, sporty fully loaded car, tons of clothes, shoes, coach and dooney & burke purses. I took vacations when I wanted, I flew business class. I had maids clean my house and gardeners cut my grass, I could eat out or order in anytime I wanted. I threw big parties at my house and spent a grand for NYE alone. I did not lose it all to LDR, that was my USA company issues, but it just makes it sting so much more.

A part of me feels like this is a punishment. Many of friends and family feel I was wrong to leave USA and now a part of me is wondering, am I being punished? When will my sadness stop? I am a strong person, and I always say... wallow for a bit, then kick yourself in ass, and get up and fight some more, but TBH, somedays, I don't have it in me to do.