I've been especially struggling lately with my brain thoughts - It's a bit hard to get this out of my head with it actually making sense.. i'll give it a shot.
I have this thing where I hate being judged, if I've just had a conversation where I feel I was misunderstood or judged I will analyze/play over the conversation in my head and kind of be 'stuck' on it because I really don't want someone to 'decide' something about me or misunderstand me in a bad way - it kind of gets to the point where I'm analyzing my analyzing.. and the feeling judged is still there just as strong.
I feel as if I'm always trying to prove myself/wanting people to like me and approve of who I am/how I am/whatever it is. But I know that I should just KNOW and ACCEPT that it doesn't matter what I do, even if I create the perfect impression that people will always decide negative things about me.. or judge me for whatever they like. Why does it bother me so much? And it's not just like I can 'turn it off' I really have to push it aside, it gives me a yuck feeling until I can distract myself past it, it's always a struggle to get out of my head and I can never stop caring about the "impression" I think I could have made that was somehow bad or wrong, too nice, too clingy.. the list goes on.
I think it's really surfacing because I'm about to close the distance.. my family have been mentioning how I live (currently) and how it'll change when my SO moves here, it has brought up comments of my family saying how they perceive me and me feeling defensive straight away. Even after I defended myself I still feel yuck about it and know that defending myself didn't make any difference to how they perceive me - probably just made them perceive me MORE negatively; so then comes all the analyzing..
For the record I don't feel like my SO will judge me, he is one of the only people in the world where I DON'T analyze my conversations with him, it's really freeing because it is honestly exhausting analyzing every second conversation you have in life.
I know I sound like a crazy person right now...... I guess I'm really putting myself out there to be judged/perceived as a crazy person by the LFAD community by posting this. Maybe I shouldn't be? Who knows. Maybe someone can relate. Maybe I'll just make you all feel better about your non-crazy brains
I just wonder if everyone has their own crazy things that go around in their heads? or am I some "special" one who thinks more than the average person.. It'd be nice to see what the inside of some elses head looks like.
and there we go, Jazi blogged.
I've had my fair share of self confidence issues when it comes to my looks/outward appearance but it doesn't relate to that in this case. It's more about people liking the kind of person I am, being thought of positively for my personality/how I act/think/talk etc... nothing about the "shell" of my body.
I'm outwardly confident/a strong person and generally I don't try and hide/be shy or whatever, I love to talk and be social.. I'll say what I want to say in the moment, defend myself, be strong, laugh, joke etc... it's more about when I look BACK at it that I feel unsure of myself and worry about how I came across.
Tooki - Funnily enough I find that if I have a big night and drink I'll feel even crapper the next day and analyze the hell out of how I acted the night before/the interactions with people - it's like having a nightmare that you can't shake.. Really puts me off drinking because that whole next day is kind of a write-off for me because I just feel so damn yuck and weird and in my head about it.
By the way thanks everyone for your comments - I love the sharing of your own crazyness
Yes i am a CRAZY and a over thinker :P
Always terrified to talk to people and always over thinking how they analyze my personality ( Though it might be only me over analyzing every thing)